Bad Boys

I love bad boys, just ask my ex Steve.

A wicked smart, leather wearing , motorcycle riding, cocky criminal defense attorney from Modesto, he embodied to me everything that I found exciting:

  • Confidence
  • Adventurous
  • Challenging
  • Mysterious

He made me feel like a powerful woman and he knew how to talk to me.

Plus he was a rock star in the bedroom and looked great in a kilt.

Why is it that the best chemistry seems to exist between myself and a “bad boy”?

Bad boys are challenging. They’re forbidden. We know it’s not going to end well, but we want that ride. The thrill of it all is worth the price we’ll pay.

And perhaps we think we’re woman enough to change him just a little bit. Tame him.

It’s a delusion, of course.

Because what makes a bad boy a bad boy is that they’re untameable. They’re wild. And that’s half the reason why we like them so much.

So why don’t women go for good guys? Why is calling someone a “nice guy” a backhanded insult?

Maybe it has something to do with nice guys not possessing that faux sense of masculinity that women seem to gravitate towards. Perhaps they radiate a doormat mentality that women don’t find sexy. They’re too predictable? They have low self-esteem? All sorts of reasons come into play here. But the real reason may be genetics. Women are designed to procreate with the strongest possible genes. Bad boys send an unconscious message that they have great genes whereas nice guys send a message that they’re not as confident in their genes.

Regardless of the causes, I will say this… though sex with a bad boy was off the chart, the best relationship and sex of my life was with a really nice guy.

Although he was a cage fighter….

Hall Pass

Hall passes.

These aren’t the traditional hallway passes we know from middle school.

No, these are the hall passes that give you a night, a weekend, or a week off from your relationship to play with whomever you want.

And in the world of open relationships/swingers, it means a pass to play by yourself, without your partner there to participate.

In the 2011 movie, Hall Pass, by the Farrelly brothers, Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis are unhappy with their lives, so their frustrated wives give them a guilt-free week to party like single men. They’re authorized to bang anyone if they can pull it off. Sound like entrapment? They might as well answer their wives when they’re asked if they look fat. But that’s how the movie goes and, like any predictable comedy, they learn the error of their ways and learn to appreciate their marriages. Of course, in the real world, a story like that can only end in UFC-style beatings, dismemberment, and the splitting of assets.

Psychology Today calls hall passes “bad sex advice.” As Jeremy Clayman, Psy.D. puts it, “It’s like kryptonite for couples. Don’t do it. There isn’t a single situation or dynamic for whom I could imagine this working successfully.”

Personally, the idea of a hall pass doesn’t bother me, so long as it’s done in a healthy relationship and not one that’s suffering from lack of intimacy or sex. It’s not a band aid for what’s ailing you, it’s a vitamin to keep you healthy- not necessary but can be have a great placebo effect. I know quite a few couples who believe in hall passes and use them regularly. None of them have split or broken up from separate play.

I knew a couple who always agreed to connect with each other after they played with other people. No matter what, they would get together that night and share stories, reconnect with each other.

I knew another couple for whom hall passes were the norm. They played separate and they didn’t always reconnect afterwards. And they did just fine as well.

But I can also see how a hall pass could be a tricky, dangerous addition to a relationship. One partner might not be really prepared for the other to play around with others. Maybe they both overestimated their comfort with the idea of a hall pass.

Either way, it could blow up in your face and hurt a lot of people.

So as my friend Jack puts it (Mr. Swinger), his best advice to people considering hall passes is “Ensure BOTH partners are in the loop. Communication. Communication. Communication.”

That and a Hail Mary!

Orgasm problems for women

When you say “Don’t stop” but he still changes what he’s doing. I said, “Don’t stop,” which literally means do exactly what you’re doing!

When you have to casually shift your body so he’s in the right spot. “Oh, I’m just moving, just getting to a place that feels good to me.”

When you lose it. “I was so close! And no, I don’t know what happened!”

When you picture someone you hate. Look, for whatever reason, that’s going to get me there faster. Do not speak of this again.

When you start picturing one of his friends. It’s so wrong! And you’re not even into the friend. Not really…

When you say the “It’s fine, it’s totally fine” monologue. “Oh, no, it was so good for a while there. You were really … doing a lot. It’s just me …”

When he thinks he’s killing it but he’s in the wrong spot. Yeah, that part of my thigh doesn’t need to be humped, thanks.

When you have a leg cramp but don’t want to move because it might ruin the moment. So you just hope your leg numbs entirely because who cares really?

When you’re done and he wants to cuddle and you want to sleep. This happens all the time – I have an orgasm and immediately want a cuddle-free nap.

When his dirty talk does the opposite of turn you on. “I guess we should have talked about this before, but calling me ‘mommy’ just made me dry up.”

When he’s really into a weird position and you are not. Who liked this position???

When you finally orgasm but it’s, like, blah. Blue balls can suck it. This feeling is the actual worse.

When he thinks just because he came sex is over. Nice try. Keep going.

When part of you wants him to leave so you can masturbate. That is a sad but awesome feeling.

When he’s jackhammering away and you’re trying to slow him down and it’s not working. And you have to gently remind him he doesn’t really even need a rhythm to get off but you definitely do.

When you actually break down and fake it. Men seem to think that women fake it to deceive them. No. Faking it is our way of making you stop doing whatever you were doing. Similarly: Never fake it. Tell him what you need and if he doesn’t do it, he’s probably not right for you. You’re worth the effort for a damn good orgasm!

Hot, hot, hot!

The thing about glass blowing is that it’s REALLY hot.  Of course, all of us know this going into it but when you’re actually there, experiencing the heat, it’s like nothing you’ve felt before…. kinda like how you imagine walking on the sun would feel.

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The next think you need to know about glass blowing is that it’s very sweaty.  Rivers of sweat were running down my face and back.  I was a hot mess.  LITERALLY.

So I arrived at my glass glowing class to discover Ryan, my huge, hairy, hunky teacher there.  Boy did I have fun learning from him.  He demonstrated the process one time and then took each of the students one by one and helped us make a bowl.

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 The process is a little like this:
  • Blow a glass bubble through a wand.
  • Add color.
  • Blow a bigger glass bubble.
  • Add even more color.
  • Blow an even bigger glass bubble.
  • Pinch the neck of the bubble.
  • Add a base to the bubble.
  • Flatten the base.
  • Transfer the bubble/base to another wand.
  • Heat the bubble.
  • Open up the bubble to make a bowl.
  • Heat the bowl.
  • Swing it around to make swirly edges.
  • Knock the wand off it, heat the base and stamp it.
  • Let it cool.
That was basically the process which took about 15 minutes to complete.
And here are the photos from my glass blowing experience.  Hope you enjoy!
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The Porno*

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She and her girlfriend left their toys in the trunk of my car the night before.

Feeling guilty of depriving them of their lovely new vibrators and paddles, I decided to drop them off on my way home.

I came inside for just a few minutes, or so I thought.

Her boyfriend showed up and before I know it, a porno was unfolding before my eyes and I WAS IN IT.

Seriously, I could not make this shit up.

Pretty fucking amazing.

 

*I may or may not be lying about half of what I just said. Then again, I could be telling the truth.

Threesomes… yay or nay?

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Have you taken the plunge and had a threesome? Carrie Bradshaw called it the “blowjob of the 90s.” Has it become so common now that an average person will have experienced it at least once? It is after all, the most common sexual fantasy among men and women.

Threesomes are hot because there are 3 mouths, 6 hands, and 3 sets of genitals. Depending on the combination of genitals, there are specific combinations which can be achieved.  Hot, sexy combinations, needless to say.

Threesomes also bring together more of a good thing. It can increase your feelings of desirability to be with two lovers at once.

And it could be an opportunity for you to have a same sex experience, if you are so inclined.

So how do you arrange for your threesome? Do you take out an ad? Do you ask a friend/acquaintance? Do you join a swingers club?

Well, the swingers club is probably the safest way. The ad is probably the fastest way, and asking a friend is probably the popular way.

Whether you’re the guest star or the main cast, you want to be sure your expectations are laid out ahead of time.  Will you be friends, will you have a repeat performance, will you never see each other again? Get this all ironed out ahead of time.

Establish boundaries to feel safe and protected both emotionally and physically. Use safe sex practices and go for it. Give yourself permission to enjoy the experience and communicate clearly afterwards to figure out what worked and what could have been better.

Sure, there’s potential to step into a steaming pile of shit for both parties.  But when done right, you can get a whole lot of pleasure out of it and fulfill a fantasy.

It’s up to you whether you keep fulfilling that fantasy over and over and over again.

What I’ve learned from OMing, thus far

It’s been an adventurous three weeks, learning about OMing and starting up a practice.

Here’s what I’ve learned, thus far.

  1. OMing brings up your issues, makes you face them, and deal with them.  Be prepared.
  2. OMing is for everyone.   Sign up.
  3. Sometimes during an OM, the stroker’s thumb can go way too far (aka the Dirty OM).  Feel free to kick him in the head and insist he remove it.
  4. Sometimes at the beginning of an OM, the stroker’s thumb can go a bit too far.  Assert yourself.  You are not a bowling ball.
  5. It really is a goalless practice.  If you set a goal for yourself you will miss the whole point of OMing.
  6. The point to OMing is to feel sensation in your body.
  7. It’s very easy to make friends when you OM.  OMing creates connection and vulnerability.
  8. OMing is not like dating.  There is no phone call after.
  9. The lube stroke feels really good.  Do not neglect it.
  10. Sometimes you don’t realize how disconnected you are from your genitals until you do something deliberate to reconnect with them.
  11. Get out of your head!
  12. The more you OM, the more you realize there’s a lot more to it.
  13. You may want to make fun of it, call it diddling your life away, but the truth is OMing is not sex.  Try it if you want to see.
  14. Downstrokes sometimes feel better than upstrokes.
  15. Orgasm is not climax.  Cultivating orgasm is cultivating your body’s ability to receive and respond to pleasure.
  16. You may think dropping trou in a room full of people is odd, but once you do it a few times it feels natural.
  17. Not every OM brings enlightenment.  Not yet, anyway.
  18. Not all OMs are the same.
  19. Just like in sex, there is a desire to try out someone new every time.
  20. Just like in sex, there is a desire to stick with the same rock star partner who OMed you soooooo good.
  21. A good OM is much better than a Hitachi Magic Wand, the other 15 minute orgasm.
  22. There are strokers and there are very observant strokers.  Very observant strokers are God’s gift to women (and their clitorises).
  23. Having one person’s attention focused all on you is a very pleasurable experience.
  24. When you’re new to the practice, it can feel like a porno adaptation of your gynecologist’s appointment.
  25. Orgasmic bliss doesn’t always come with your first OM (but a delicious buzzy sensation may).
  26. You may feel a strange buzzing in you that can last for days after an OM.
  27. Make sure your nest is comfortable.  If it’s not you will be distracted by it for your entire OM.
  28. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.  Some of the best strokers I know don’t look like Ryan Gosling or Chris Hemsworth and yet they’re totally sexy in their own right.
  29. OMing in a group can be distracting.  Some women yell, some scream, some cry.  You just have to focus on yourself.
  30. OMing opens up channels of intuition and intimacy, cementing our connections with each other in a deeply disconnected world.  And I find that beautiful.