When Thomas first asked me out, I said no.
“Why?” he asked.
I was a little surprised but I responded, “I’m kind of into someone else.”
“Is it exclusive?” Thomas asked.
“No,” I replied.
Then go out with me.
“Okay,” I agreed.
Thomas invited me to go to the Music and the Cosmos concert at the Lick Observatory. On the surface this sounded like a perfect romantic date – a picnic atop Mt. Hamilton, watching the sun set. Then a music concert in the Observatory followed by a tour including checking out the cosmos through the telescope.
Since Thomas was Lebanese, like me, he brought Middle Easter food. My favorite. We picnicked on Mt. Hamilton and watched the sun set in hues of purples, reds, and golds.
It was during the concert that I realized something was amiss. Someone was farting. Badly. Silent but deadly. Who was it? Our neighbors were even squirming in their seats. The concert was ruined. It was a constant bombardment of the olfactory senses. I can’t even tell you what kind of music was played I was so distracted.
When it came time for our tour, Thomas grabbed my hand and pulled me through the dark.
I didn’t want to hold hands with him. I wasn’t feeling it. But I steeled myself and went with the flow.
The farting followed us where ever we went and it was then I realized that Thomas was the Farting Bandit.
I was on a date with Mr. Stinky Pants.
I started out with lukewarm feelings for Thomas and they definitely had cooled off as the night progressed.
He drove me home down the mountain. He rolled down the window to attempt to hide his stench.
I wanted to say, “Good god! I know it’s you. You’re not fooling anyone.” But instead I opted to just sit in silence.
He told me a story, “A visitor went into a town and into the cemetery. On the headstones were the person’s name followed by a notation “1089 days” or “596 days.” He stopped a towns person and asked what this notation meant. The towns person told him, “That’s the number of days the person truly lived.” “
Then Thomas looked me straight in the eye and said, “Michelle, you’re my plus one.”
So sweet and yet totally not returned. Here I was looking forward to the date ending and he was logging it in his memory books as a “plus one.”
Just goes to show how two people can have similar experiences and yet totally different interpretations and outcomes.
I bid Thomas goodbye and never saw him again.
I also never had to smell him again :-)