A hoop for Michelle

Breaker, who got his playa name not because he breaks things but because he FIXES things, came over my house the other night armed with hula hoops and lots of gaffers tape in MANY different colors.

We played around with hoops and he decided to give me a hoop with some sparkly holographic tape already on it.

Although he said it was a mediocre wrap job and we should remove it and redo it, I opted to use it anyway. After all, I’m nothing if not expedient.

So in order to add weight to your hoop, you wrap tape around it, first around the inside to “grip” you as you hoop and then in angled stripes around the hoop for weight and for appearance.

Well this is where I got screwed. Because if your original tape isn’t on properly (and mine wasn’t) it becomes that much harder to wrap the other tape around the hoop.

Here I am working on taping my hoop.  Picture courtesy of Breaker.

hoopI managed but the end result wasn’t as clean as I would have liked.

Nevertheless, I’m totally excited that I now have a hoop that I can use to practice hooping with, at home and at jams in the bay area.

I’m infinitely indebted to Breaker for sharing his hoop with me.

I also have a hoop to take to Burning Man with me for fun! )'(

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Truth is Beauty

The City of San Leandro is up in arms. Is it because of water rationing? No. Is it because of cuts to the police force? No.  Is it because of political corruption? No.

It’s because a 55 foot tall statue of a naked dancing woman titled “Truth is Beauty” is being installed in a public venue downtown.

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Truth is Beauty graced the Black Rock City desert and the Burning Man community since 2013. It is the 2nd of three similarly sized sculptures known as the Bliss Project.  The most well know of the trilogy is Bliss Dance, currently in view on Treasure Island.bliss dance

R’Evolution, the third statue of the trilogy, is to appear for the first time at Burning Man, Black Rock City, this August.

Just one look at these two statues and I fell in love.

But heaven forbid we put the naked female form on display in a public venue where it can be seen by the masses.

No, we have to control women’s sexuality and shame the naked female body by calling it “tacky” and “pornographic.”

Well I for one would like to do my part to support female nudity in art but also in life.  Since I can’t post a naked picture of me here, I’m posting one of my favorite nude photographs:

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And as far as Truth and Beauty goes, did I mention the best part about her?  She will be lit up with 2,500 LED lights.

How’s that for celebrating the female form?

This not that

MichelleThrough 10 years of off and on online dating, I’ve learned a thing or two about the profiles that appeal to me (can you say “hero complex?”)  Here’s my short list of what works and what doesn’t work when I’m checking out a new profile.

Things I see in online profiles that work for me

  • Men with military experience
  • Men with pictures of their dog/s
  • Firemen / EMTs
  • Volunteer work
  • Pictures taken outdoors
  • Genuine smiles
  • Mention family / kids
  • Pics with their children
  • Eagle Scouts
  • Scuba diving pictures

 

Things I see in online profiles that don’t work for me:

  • Men taking pictures of themselves at the gym
  • Pictures with other women
  • Men who list what they DON’T want
  • Group photos
  • Bad spelling or grammar
  • Pics with sunglasses or hats
  • No good head shots
  • Bathroom selfies
  • Professional photos
  • Drinking photos

New costume: Disco Fever

In preparation for a disco party I am going to in September, I have pulled together a disco costume made up of a catsuit, a very shimmery pink belt, and my own hair feathered out beyond your imagination.

I commissioned a halter catsuit from a vendor online and I specified a black slashed net fabric.

catsuitI bought a very cheap, terrible-looking but oh-so-appropriate shimmery pink belt to wear.

beltAnd I got a pair of platform sandals to wear too.

shoesI’d say in this get up I’m ready to be swept off my feet by John Travolta in a shimmery white pantsuit and black shirt.

The overall look should be like this….

discoStayin’ alive, baby. Just stayin’ alive.

Furring Spike (my bike)

My bike Spike “spoke” to me and told me he has an inner Muppet just waiting to be released and would I be so kind as to fur him so that he can frolic with all the other furred bikes at Burning Man.

Now who am I to refuse such a request?

So I bought a butt load of neon green fuzzy fur and I watched one, yes just one video on how to fur your bike.

It was a video by that guy who always wears pink – Halycon.

So bright one Sunday morning I showed up at Manea’s house with my bike, strips of green fur, and a hot glue gun – ready to get to work.

I managed to fluff the entire area with neon fur bits.

Talk about MOOP!

I also managed to burn 4 fingers on my right and left hands. I burned them so bad that I got blisters.

Yuck!

In the end, I managed to fur about 2/3 of Spike, with the help of Twisty and Tejas who gave me tips as I worked.

IMG_7089Then yesterday I worked on finishing Spike at my house.

I was smart this time and put on gloves to prevent burning and blisters.

FullSizeRender(12)And this is the end result of all my labors.

A neon green, furry Muppet bike named Spike who is almost (I’m working on vacuuming him so he’s fuzz-free) MOOP and Burning Man approved transportation on the playa.

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Just add lights.

Grossed out and bloated: Playa food

Going to SoulFire made me completely rethink my approach to food on the playa.

Mind you, SoulFire was held in the mountains, not a dry alkaline lake bed. And I had an RV sink with running water to use to wash dishes.

I just couldn’t picture myself washing dishing, generating a tons of grey water, just to make my meals.

So I started looking at freeze dried meals and I bought a few when I was at Cabelas.

I carefully rehydrated the powder that would miraculously resemble a meal after sitting for 10 minutes.

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After 10 minutes, I tried the beef stroganoff and discovered it wasn’t horrible. However, all the substantial parts of the meal, the beef and the noodles, were nearly microscopic. It made for a decent taste but lousy mouthfeel.

imageBut what’s mouthfeel on the playa compared to not having to do dishes, I ask you?

In any case, about 30 minutes after I tried the stroganoff, I got very thirsty and so I checked the sodium content for what I just ate:image

800 mg of sodium? Is this to replenish lost electrolytes while hiking/sweating? I mean I like some sodium but is 800 mg in one meal really healthy?

So I’m asking my friends, what do you like to eat on the playa that is remarkably simple but very tasty?

What floats your boat in BRC?

Latex Panties: The Reality

latexMy latex panties (this exact pair) arrived in the mail and looked like the biggest pair of knickers I’d ever seen.

Be prepared. If you order latex panties online they’re going to look like something your grandma might wear. Minus the whole latex thing, of course because your grandma’s not a freak like that.

I tried to slip into them. It sounded like an orgy of latex balloons rubbing up against each other.

It was absolutely hilarious!

It took me about five minutes to work the panties up my legs and I was cringing the whole time because I sunburned my ass on vacation and the latex dragged against my legs.

Finally, I got them up.

And my butt is either bigger than I remember or I put the panties on the wrong way. My ass hung out for miles.

How did it look?

Not too shabby. I definitely like the look of latex.

The story doesn’t end here though, oh no! You see the other part about wearing latex panties is having to take them off.

I made a tiny little tourniquet with them as I rolled them down my legs. Inch by inch, with the wonderful latex-on-hot-skin sound playing the entire way down.

In the end, I had a tidy little figure eight of latex handcuffing my ankles together.

No one told me this would happen.

And that’s when it occurred to me.

If I was fooling around with someone and he went to remove my panties, he’d have to yank them down my body to a chorus of rubber farts.

Definitely NOT sexy.

But perhaps it doesn’t matter. I mean after all, you’re wearing latex undies and that’s pretty damn sexy.

Pierced!

While on vacation I decided to do something brash. Foolish, some might even say.

I got my nose pierced.

The first question out of everyone’s mouth is the same:

“Did it hurt?”

The answer to that is YES, OF COURSE IT HURT. A 14 GAUGE NEEDLE WENT THROUGH MY NOSE.

I actually flinched when I got pierced.

My boys and my sister were there and they saw it. Gavin photographed the piercing and he took some good photos of me freaking out:

 

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Although it was momentarily painful, I am so pleased with the results.

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Even my boys who were quite confident that I’m too old to have my nose pierced, were happy with the result, although somewhat reluctantly.

I hear this a lot from my boys, “You’re too old for that.”

Apparently I’m not just too old for nose piercings but also monokinis and Burning Man. If they associate it with their generation, then I’m just too old for it, according to them.

What I hope they learn from me doing all the crazy and wild stuff I do is that age is merely a number and that lifelong learning is the key not just to happiness but also to youthfulness.

I can’t imagine how boring I’d be if I wasn’t doing all the things I do and I’m dumbfounded that my boys would wish for that kind of a mother.

Can’t they see I come alive when I’m trying out something new?

UPDATE:

My Aunt Stacey and cousin Jennifer got their noses pierced the same week!  Look how beautiful they are:

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What is it with me and married men?

openWhat is it with me and married men?

I seem to run into them right and left.  And I’m not talking the monogamous kind.  No, I’m talking men in open relationships who are interested in me.

Take Father Figure, for instance.  Now Father Figure is tall, handsome, and a respectable 32 years old.

He was walking around the festival with a lovely accessory – his baby.

Where there is a baby, there is bound to be a momma bear.  So I carefully steered clear of him.  But he seemed to be flirting with me.  He even came over to my camp and stared at me.  Intently.  Like he was enamored.

Now first of all, I appreciate male attention.  It feels good.  It excites me.

But I’m just saying would it KILL THE UNIVERSE TO SEND ME A SINGLE GUY?

SERIOUSLY!?

32 years old and married with a baby?!  Where can that go?  Nowhere.

I’m so funny

Well… sometimes I’m funny.

Okay, maybe I’m not all that funny.

But I can do the splits. Now THAT’S entertaining!

I’ve decided to take an improvisational comedy class through the American Improv Theater in August.

It should be a laugh riot, no?

My boss does improvisational comedy in San Francisco so I asked her for some tips and her advice was:

  • Try not to be embarrassed about things like singing or saying made up words.
  • Say yes to suggestions your scene partner makes.

Now I’m a big fan of comedians like Robin Williams, George Carlin, Amy Schumer, Jim Gaffigan, and Bob Saget.

I think what they all have in common is that they think quickly on their feet.

And they have enormous funny bones.

My favorite quote from Amy Schumer about comedy is, “I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I’m not trying to make headlines. I’m just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.”

Maybe that’s the trick to comedy – just saying what’s funny and not forcing it or overthinking it.

And when in doubt…

… make fun of yourself.

That shit’s always funny.