Sexting gone very VERY right….

His name is Paul.

The instant I saw him on POF I was smitten…

…tall, dark and gorgeous with stunning blue eyes and a smile to stop my heart.

And then he got better.

Turns out he’s visiting from Ireland and will only be here a few months while he works on an engineering project.

Sexy and short-term? Sounds like a candidate for sexting!

[I know, I’m so bad.]

So I flirted shamelessly with him and got him to send me some pretty hot pics I can’t post here. It was so much fun!

And then he asked me out.

I tried to explain that I don’t go out with the men I sext.

“U should have told me that before we sexted!!! I never got a choice in the matter!!” he wrote.

“I’m not a sure thing. Just because we sexted doesn’t mean I’m going to have sex with you. Do you accept that?” I asked.

“Just cos I sext you doesn’t mean I’m gonna have sex wit u….” he snarkily replied.

So we are in negotiations right now. Me… to take him on a tour of the Bay Area. And him… to keep his hands off me.

Unless I ask.

Pretty please?

Quite possibly the MOST ROMANTIC THING EVER

Jeep came over my house Tuesday night to work on my truck.

[As a bit of foreshadowing, when I went to pay him for my parts, a condom fell out of my wallet and on to the floor by his feet.  Oh dear!]

As previously discussed, I feel conflicted about letting him repair my truck for free.

But he insists he’d do it for any friend, so okay…

After he fixed my visor, we discovered my tail lights were out.

So he went to the store and fixed those.

AND THEN we discovered my 3rd brake light was out.

So he fixed that.  And it involved a second trip to O’Reilly’s Auto Parts store while I stayed home and ate dinner.

Because he knew I was hungry and missed dinner.

Deep breath.

I finally worked up the courage to ask him, “What do you think of us being FWB?”

“Michelle, I think you’re gorgeous.  And funny.  And sexy.  And smart.  And I would be honored to be your FWB but not if it jeopardizes our friendship,” he replied.

My jaw dropped.

“When I first met you, I knew you were special and I’d rather have you in my life for a long time as a friend than for a short time as a FWB,” he continued.

This was, quite possibly, the MOST ROMANTIC thing anyone has said to me in a good long while.

But I do find it ironic that even when I try to misbehave, the universe has a way of reigning me in.

CLEAVAGE!

“Sue me for saying this but I would really like to motorboat you. That pic of you in the pool…wow!”

That’s what the message from luv2eataco said. No, I’m not kidding about his username. What do you think this buffoon is fishing for?

This, of course, brings up an important question. Given all the ridiculous and sometimes downright rude comments I get from potential suitors, is the online male dating pool skewed?

Now, I’m not saying people who online date are stupid. What I’m saying is given the fact that it’s easier for me to hook up with a guy with a neck tattoo than a guy with a PhD, is the online male dating pool a bit on the uneducated side?

For me, it’s a little bit frustrating. After all, I value my education and the education of others. I’d like to meet someone with similar values.

But all I seem to attract are neck tattoos.

Perhaps I need to take down the pic of me in a bathing suit. The one that makes men say “wow.” Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m sending the wrong message with my gratuitous cleavage shot.

Maybe it’s because I’m a girl, but I don’t really notice the cleavage in this picture.

MyEyesOnlyPhoto_2013-12-01-19-20-15-345

At least not like the notice the CLEAVAGE IN THIS PICTURE.

MyEyesOnlyPhoto_2013-12-01-19-20-12-221

Personally, I think cleavage universally appeals to all men, regardless of values. But perhaps what it says about me is the important take home point. Maybe subtlety reigns supreme online and less really is more. Which doesn’t bode well for an exhibitionist nudist with a penchant for sexting. But hey, maybe I can learn….

The one where she gets screwed :-(

photo(3)Okay, so my heart didn’t get broken this week, but my hopes did get dashed.

This week I sent a text to Edward and when I didn’t hear back for three days, I figured he was sending me a message.  So I sent a polite “Hope you’re okay.  Wish we could say goodbye properly.  Good luck, you’re a good man” message to him.  I woke up the next morning to a scathing text from Edward saying there was “too much drama” with me and “Goodbye.”  Apparently he’d left his phone in a friends’ car and had to drive to Discovery Bay to retrieve it.

Too much drama?  Too much drama would have been me calling him names or bitching at him for not texting.  I did none of those things.  I sent a polite and friendly goodbye.

It may come as a surprise, but I was sad that this is how my friendship with Edward ended.  But in a way it was a relief, since our friendship made me feel like a second class citizen.  Unwanted.  Tolerated.  Definitely not valued.  So this was a blessing.

Then THIS happened.

I titled this month’s banner “unblunder:  so screwed I should be covered in ky” and I realized at the time that I was tempting fate to really eff me over this month, but I optimistically hoped for a more literal translation – that I would meet someone and literally be screwed.  But as fate would have it that was not meant to be.  Because Austin, who I have been hungering for, suddenly stopped texting me.  And that never bodes well.  In truth, I knew something was going on when I went two days without hearing a peep from him.

And today he finally got in touch with me to tell me that he’s in a monogamous relationship with another woman.  A woman who has been his friend for a while and finally worked up the courage to ask him to date he when he discussed the possibility of going out with me.

What can I say?  I am so happy that they have found each other but I am so disappointed that I did not get the chance to even kiss Austin.  And with a mind like his, I would have been stimulated in and out of the bedroom.  But as they say “the universe is unfolding exactly as it should…” Whether or not you realize it.

I found myself feeling strangely saddened and getting teary.  First Edward, now Austin.  Is everyone finding love but me?

And why am I always so over-the-top with my sexuality?  Why is it so easy for me to expose my skin but so difficult to expose my heart?

I reached out to my ex Steve.  Told him I was having a bad day and would he text with me.  And he did for a little while.  But I realized that more than anything I wanted to have someone who I could talk to when I’m feeling low.  Who I could share my feelings with,  not just small talk.

And I haven’t met that person yet.

For Austin:

Tell me this isn’t wrong

I told Jeep I wasn’t feeling the particular flavor of chemistry I was looking for and I wished him good luck with his search.

He pulled the F-word on me…

FRIENDS

And…

He offered to work on my truck for free. If I pay for parts.

Um… yeah! Sounds good to me.

So last week, Jeep came over and fixed my broken headlamp. In about 5 minutes. For $15. Sweet.

As a thank you, I sat him down in my kitchen and got him drunk.

Thanks to Patron.

Then Makers Mark.

There was no fondling or smooching. He held up his end of the deal and was nothing but friendly toward me. No going in for a surprise kiss. No touching my arm, my back, my hair, etc.

He was a gentleman.

And so I invited him to go to Stanford’s Holi Festival with me. It’s a nice way to say “Thank you for fixing my headlight and oh-by-the-way can you fix my visor too?”

The one where she buys SUPER SLUTTY SHOES

I took my second Lap Dance class this Thursday with my imaginary boyfriend.

Once again, it was me in a room with several scantily clad ladies.  The instructor wore a g-string.  Sometimes I just sit in class and let myself be amazed by the beauty of the women around me.

We practiced our routine.  By now we had the beginning part down.

  • Lay your “boyfriend” on the bed.  Prop up his head so he can watch you.
  • Start out by doing a little routine against the wall.  Don’t forget to open your legs. ;-)
  • Go to the bed and play with your “boyfriend.”
  • Don’t forget to SMEAR your body against his.  SMEAR. SMEAR. SMEAR. I love that word.
  • Rotate your body to give him a side view.
  • More smearing. Do it slowly.
  • Rotate your body to give him the back view.  Nice.

And that’s where we stopped.  And somewhere in this whole routine, I realized that my shoes were not nearly as sexy as everyone else’s.  I realized that in order to be an effective lap dancer (or at least to look the part), I needed to get a new pair of shoes.  So I went online and bought these puppies.

And I can’t really describe how happy these ridiculous shoes make me feel.  But I do know that there’s something about their absolute frivolity that appeals to me and resonates with my inner diva.

The 47 year old virgin

I met this really sweet guy who is going through a divorce right now.

And NORMALLY I adhere to my rule that a man needs to be divorced for 2 years to be suitable for dating.

That is until…

…until he told me he hadn’t has sex since the Bush administration.

God only knows what hes wife’s issues are.  And sure, this guy is one holy mess right now.  But I have a lot of sympathy for him and his situation.

He’s also lost 110 pounds in the last year, making him a HERO in my book.

So even though I have this rule, I might break it a teeny tiny bit.

At least long enough to play with a born-again-virgin.

The one where she confesses her fantasies to a man

So… based on feedback from this website, I worked up the courage to ask my sister if I could go out with Austin, her ex-lover from high school.

And she said sure… but be careful.  He’s a serial monogamist.

Hmmmm…. and what exactly am I, I wondered?

But no matter, I now have permission to do what I’ve been doing for the last week – which is SEXT WITH AUSTIN.

Now, I’ve been sexting long enough with Austin to know that there’s a problem.

Austin KEEPS GETTING SEXIER.

And the problem with this is that I’m worried the fantasy of him in my mind might eclipse his reality.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to find out.

I think Austin’s sex appeal springs from a very real love of women.  Very few men truly love women, and Austin is one of them.  He seems to understand how our brains work on a fundamental level.

Austin is sexy because he knows how to get inside your head and turn you on from the brain down.  And I think that’s the best bedroom skill to have.  And the most enduring.

This one phrase I think totally sums up Austin’s sex appeal (apart from his absolutely sunning physique and handsome face).  Austin is a man who posses the physical skill to turn on your body and the intellectual capacity to set you on fire.

Some of the sexy things Austin has said to me (that can be shared):

“You realize you really can’t come near me unless I can have you now.”

“But… I don’t have to only give pleasure… or at least conventional forms of pleasure…”

“BTW – after yesterday’s sexting, I’m rocking some lovely fantasies about topping you.”

And he’s not the only one with fantasies.  I confessed a bunch of my own fantasies to him.  It was liberating to share them with another human being and have him say, “I can do that,” or “I like that,” or “that’s not too kinky.”

So what can I say about Austin?

Yes, PLEASE!

Online “pickup” lines (NOT!)

215286_10150171683603788_1030834_nHere are some of the lines men use when sending me emails online.

  • Hey how’s it going? (Does this line ever work? It’s probably the laziest opening line ever)
  • What are you up to beautiful? (Better. You can never hear you’re beautiful too much)
  • Hey hey (Just don’t)
  • Jesus you look amazing! (Why thank you!)
  • Eres Bellisima!!!!!!!!!!!! (Awwwww!)
  • Cute smile. (This guy I actually responded to)
  • You look so amazing.. admiring here (Sweet!)
  • Good morning how you doing (Really?)
  • :) (Could you put less effort into this?)
  • You have the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen on a woman (Really? That’s a stretch. I’ve seen Heidi Klum)
  • Hi (Forget it!)
  • Wow you are absolutely gorgeous. (I love you)
  • We should do lunch sometime! (Huh?)
  • Hey hottie (This guy was way hot, I had to flirt a little)
  • Hello nice pics (Uh, thanks….)
  • ;) (Not another one!)
  • I will like to dream with you (at least he didn’t say ‘sleep’)
  • Just have to say milf (from the younger man)
  • Hi luv (Ugh)
  • You look good (Um…. Thanks)
  • You’re a star (yes, yes I am)
  • I’m cute like a puppy lol (I’m hungry like a tiger. Come closer puppy)
  • You are one incredibly attractive looking woman. Of course, you are already aware of that (What does that mean?)
  • Hi (From someone calling himself Greek God. Not.)
  • Morning. I’m Jacob, hru (Really, you write one sentence and you can’t even spell out “how are you”?)
  • Sunshine you are so cute (Pet names are kind of hit and miss with me. This one… not feeling it)