Creepy First Date

I’ve been on some weird first dates. The guy with the 2 standard poodles and the 6 year old takes the cake. Also the aptly nicknamed Fartman.

I thought nothing could shock me.

Until I got this request:

nude beachWould I like to go on a first date to a nude beach?

Ummmm…. I’m thinking the answer to that is WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER! Or when pigs fly out of my ass. Whichever happens first.

Needless to say, Michael has been cut from the list of potential suitors. And in a fit of honesty, I told him I thought his suggestion was creepy.

C-R-E-E-P-Y

This is whats out there ladies.  This is what’s out there.

Love Bites

Hickeys are nothing new to me. In high school I asked Kyle, my high school crush from another school, to take me to my Junior Ball.

I met Kyle in Catholic Children’s School which you would think would mean he was chaste and proper BUT YOU’D BE WRONG!

We spent most of our time in the back of his car, with him sucking on my neck and trying to get into my pants.

The next day I was horrified to discover a neck full of bruises on me.

It earned me the nickname “Hickey Girl” and it earned him the nickname “Kyle, the Neck Monster.”

To this day, my sister still teases me about all the hickeys I had.

Fast forward to May 2015 in my family room where The Pirate and I are “relaxing” on the couch. And by “relaxing” I mean “devouring each other.”

The Pirate mentions that he likes love bites and I try to give him one but wind up sucking sloppily on his collarbone.

Fail!

So The Pirate shows me how it’s done. First he kisses. Then he sucks. Then he finishes it off with a bite. A little nibble.

Instantly, there was a mark on me, right by my collarbone.

hickeyIt was pretty amazing and I enjoyed the whole experience, just like I enjoyed “Kyle the Neck Monster’s” attentions two decades ago.

And the little bruise that The Pirate left behind, well it was situated just right so that my seat belt rubbed against it – for the entire 7 hour drive up to Reno and 5 hour drive back.

A nice little reminder of him.

All. The. Way.

ARCHERY!

I’ve signed up for a new adventure.

ARCHERY.

That’s right. As in using a bow and arrow for target practice.

I think it’s awfully brave of me to be trying my hand at archery given how my last attempt turned out.

I was 17 years old and my boyfriend Frank just got a new compound bow he wanted to use for target practice.

We went to the local range and he proceeded to hit all his targets quite nicely.

Then he turned his attention to me.

He was going to teach me to use the compound bow.

I got in position and grabbed the bow string and started pulling it back.

He stopped me.

He slipped a “trigger” on to the string to give me more control over it.

What he didn’t tell me was that the trigger was on the side of the device so as I started pulling back the bow string, I naturally slid my finger to the side of the trigger to get a better grip and…

WHAM!

I pulled the trigger while in the processes of pulling the bow string taut.

The kevlar string snapped loose.

Can I tell you how badly both our hands were lacerated?!

It could’ve been worse, I realized later. We could have lacerated our faces.

In any case, that’s my one and only experience with archery so this will be something new and exciting for me.

I’m totally looking forward to it!

Spankings-R-Us

When I was a kid, I got spanked.

Not with a belt.  Not with a paddle, but with a bare hand.

It sucked.

I had a boyfriend, we’ll call him Dave since that is his name, who left bruises, welts, and broken skin when he spanked me.  Ouch!

Spankings have always sucked for me UNTIL THE PIRATE CAME ALONG.

The camp I’m staying at with The Pirate at Burning Man is Otis Spankmore.

They hand out cookies and a spanking.

The two go hand in hand. First you get a spanking, then you get your cookie.

Both are free and cost you nothing.

As a camp members, I’ll have my choice of several jobs:

  • Giving out spankings
  • Giving out cookies
  • Barking on the streets for more “customers”
  • Baking cookies

The safest choice here would be for me to bake cookies.

The most challenging choice would be for me to dole out spankings.

My friend Tejas is good with the spankings.

He said they offer trainings to teach you how to spank and I’m game to attend a training to see if I can gain some skills.

If not, I’ll bake or pass out cookies.

Personally, I’d like to have another spanking from The Pirate. Now there’s a man I want to watch spank some people at Burning Man.

Too. Much. Fun.

The Measure of a Man

Martin Luther King, Jr. said that “the ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

If that’s the case, then my man Tejas measures up in spades.

He has been a good and true friend through the last few months with me. I just have to say how much I appreciate his support and guidance for Burning Man and life in general.

Instead of turning his back on me when I told him we were only friends, he embraced our friendship and has become one of my dearest, closest friends.

Even as he goes through tough times, he’s always there to lend me an ear and help me with my troubles. I only hope I do the same for him.

So here goes…. 20 Reasons Why I Love Tejas:

  1. He’s a lumberjack
  2. He knows his Burning Man shit
  3. He can put away whiskey
  4. Whiskey makes him emotional and vulnerable
  5. He drives a cute car (a Mini)
  6. He’s super funny
  7. He’s artistic (with EL wire)
  8. He’s got a pirate costume
  9. He’s a great kisser
  10. He’s good at spankings (don’t ask how I know)
  11. He’s always thinking of ways to improve things
  12. He lives in Aptos but is not hippy dippy-ish
  13. He lets me watch movies in his house
  14. He’s good at snuggling
  15. He’ll give you the good news with the bad news
  16. He thinks steak is a healthy protein
  17. He comes to visit me at my place
  18. The man loves his tequila
  19. He’s sexy riding his motorcycle
  20. He’s a free spirit

So this post is for my friend Tejas, who has been such a good and true friend to me he deserved his own post.

Bottle of whiskey forthcoming…. ;-)

In the Name of Love

I went to the U2 concert in San Jose with my BFF Michelle.

Yes, we are Michelle and Michelle. I get it. It’s funny.

The concert was magnificent. U2 played some new songs and a whole bunch of their old hits like:

  • Vertigo
  • Sunday Bloody Sunday
  • Real Thing
  • Mysterious Ways
  • Angel of Harlem
  • Bullet the Blue Sky
  • In the Name of Love
  • Beautiful Day
  • With or Without You
  • Where the Streets Have No Name
  • I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

As far as concerts go, it was outstanding.

The only downside was that it took people so long to get up out of their chairs and start dancing.

Michelle remarked that it was very Silicon Valley-ish to sit through the action advocacy anthems like Sunday Bloody Sunday and Bullet the Blue Sky.

And the woman behind Michelle was complaining when people stood up.

It’s a concert, lady. Take a chill pill, smoke a blunt, and get with the times.

All in all, we had a fabulous time and I enjoyed myself immensely.

Next up:

Elton John at Harvey’s Lake Tahoe – August 8

The Foo Fighters at Shoreline Amphitheater – September 16

Bone Bash at Shoreline Amphitheater – September 19

Got a lot on tap right now, especially with Burning Man coming up August 30 – September 7.

Yay!

It’s raining men

It’s raining men…

Hallelujah?

Looks like this fisherwoman went fishing and has three on the line.

What did I use for bait, you ask? Just a few sexy pictures and witty emails.

Meet Paul, Michael, and Atomic Jim.

All of them look insanely good in a t-shirt which is a prerequisite for going out with me.

Michael already asked me out for next week.

Paul and I are talking disgusting food (I’ve eaten silkworm grub and posted a pic to my profile).

And Atomic Jim is… well… charismatic.

Oh, I almost forgot Rich who would be my Mecca were he to grow a beard and sing me “Michelle” by the Beatles.

I feel like a gambler sitting at the table with a full house in her hand.

It’s an intoxicating feeling.

Yes, it’s only a matter of a week or so before the “decks are cleared” so to speak, but for now I’m going to enjoy myself.

This being single is not too shabby.

Not shabby at all.

Hi ho hi ho, it’s off to spa I go

The Watercourse Way Spa to be exact.

I’m going with my paramour – The Pirate – to refresh and relax in the multi jetted spa, steam, and cold plunge.

I happen to love cold plunges.

There’s nothing like plunging into a tub of cold water and getting all the wind knocked out of you because the cold is so freaking COLD!

There’s nothing like plunging back into the hot tub after soaking in the cold plunge to get that pins and needles feeling as you defrost.

I love to alternate between the hot tub and the cold plunge. I’ve been told by my Korean friends that this is good for your body. I imagine it plays havoc with your vasodilation. Hopefully that’s good for you.

I’m looking forward to soaking with The Pirate. If it’s anything like the last time, we’ll have a phenomenal afternoon together.

This time I’m bringing toys and accouterments.

Nothing like a blindfolded hot oil massage to make you relax and put you at ease.

And The Pirate deserves a little ease with all the turmoil that’s been going on for him.

I think The Pirate and I should have a standing appointment every two weeks to visit Watercourse Way and blow off a little steam in their spa rooms.

Blow being the operative word here…

Will anyone love me like that?

Today, Facebook popped up a story about a woman’s double mastectomy and I felt compelled to read.

She wrote:

“My husband and my boys (literally, my own little band of brothers) pretty much carried me through the battlefield. I mention that, because you deserve something great in your life, so I want you to set the bar high. A man who looks upon your scars and sees strength and courage . . . grace . . . and beauty. Not broken. Not impossible to love. Worthy of love. Believe.”

My immediate reaction was sadness.   Not for her but for me.

I’m not sure anyone will ever love me that way and boy would it feel good to be loved like that.

It’s been 10 years since my divorce. Enough time to have some relationships. Enough time for those relationships to fail. And even though I know nothing is wrong with me, I can’t help but wonder why it hasn’t happened for me yet.

Is there no great love affair destined for me in my future?

Should I resign myself to being a “temporary lover?”

Always a bridesmaid, never the bride, so to speak?

I can practically hear my friend Michelle echoing the sentiment to “set the bar high.” She’d likely say that when a man doesn’t measure up, I mold myself into something that fits. Something that isn’t me. And that’s non-sustainable.

She may be right.

At least I’m still out there. At least I’m still looking.

I may not be getting it 100% right, but failure is illuminating what’s not right for me.

All I have to do it get it right once.

How hard can that be?