Pasties and Age Limits

I’ve been shopping for Burning Man.

Again.

It’s seriously a never-ending saga with me.

And it’s all because I love make believe.

Costuming.

Putting together outfits for a special event.

The thing about Burning Man is that it can get hot.

Real hot.

Especially during the day.

So I’ve been looking into buying lingerie to wear as clothing.

Give me a teddy and some cut off jean shorts and color me happy.

The problem is (or maybe it’s not a problem at all given my exhibitionist proclivities) my nipples show through the thin lace fabric.

Hmmm.

What’s a gal to do when she has nipples showing through her teddy at Burning Man.

Nothing (technically)!

It’s all a-ok.

But for someone who doesn’t want to have her nipples stared at the obvious solution is pasties.

Pasties are basically a sticker that you put over your nipples to cover them up but still reveal your beautiful breasts.

In my lifetime I have bought half a dozen pairs of pasties and I’ve worn them exactly ZERO times.

It’s because as much as I want to look sexy, I’m not quite confident enough to pull them off.

I remind myself I’ve nursed 3 babies.

And I’m 45 years old.

Pasties are for 20-something year olds who have yet to ravage their bodies through bearing children.

Don’t pasties come with an age limit?

Sort of like those rides at the amusement park. . .

Your breasts must be THIS PERKY to wear these pasties.

Or some such nonsense.

It’s only because walking around topless in the heat at Burning Man sounds so liberating that I’m even CONSIDERING buying them again.

Maybe I’ll buy pasties, maybe I won’t.

Ultimately, I have to wear what I’m comfortable in and it seems I’m not quite ready to go there yet.

But hey, if I do?

You’ll see it here on unblunder first!

Obsession

Anyone who knows me, knows I have an OBSESSION with makeup.

Whenever I needed to cheer myself up when I was younger, I’d go to the drugstore or department store and I’d buy HUNDREDS of dollars of makeup.

I estimate that I have approximately a BUTTLOAD of makeup.

I have so much that I periodically purge my collection and pass on makeup to my awesome niece Bella (and her mom and grandma).

My boys actually BLOCK me football-style, when we’re in the mall passing Sephora, Ulta, Morphe or MAC.

He he he!

For the Santa Con in Campbell, I whipped up this look:

Truthfully, it wasn’t too challenging.

The learning curve for contouring your face is STEEP.

I looked like a mad woman for a while, with dark stripes under my cheekbones and around my forehead.

But I just kept blending and it all worked out.

Now, for the upcoming Dragon Party, I’ve decided I’m going to try to make myself into a dragon.

BRING ON THE FACE PAINT!

This is the look I’m going for, only in GREEN:

As near as I can tell, I’ll need to draw the horns and teeth first then add the rest of the face paint.

I’ve already purchased face paint from Amazon:

So here’s hoping my face paint skills are up to par and I can pull off this dragon look.

And just to make sure people know I’M A DRAGON, I got these really cool horns off of etsy.

To complete the look.

I’m nothing if not thorough.

Boom!

I heard from The Swede!

Yes, it’s been weeks since we communicated and I was getting used to the silence when all of a sudden, WHAM!

He messaged me.

As it turns out, since Sweden is 9 hours ahead of California time-wise, it was Valentine’s Day in Sweden and so The Swede wished me a Happy Valentine’s Day.

Bold move, considering I posted for almost a week about how much I “hate” this holiday.

Truth is I don’t HATE this holiday, I HATE being single for this holiday.

It’s just another reminder that I am alone and unloved by a partner.

Great.  Just great.

I need a reminder of this like I need another hole in my head.

But they say, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

So I’m making the best of my situation and hanging with my family.

Honestly, time spent with loved ones is what this holiday should be all about – just like Thanksgiving and Christmas.

So I’m setting my supreme bitterness aside.

Despite the fact that smug coupled up people are posting right and left on Facebook to declare their undying love for their partners.

Really?

Must you?

You know what I want to post to Facebook?

Wanna know what I’m doing for Valentine’s Day?

Whatever I want.  I’m single!

Boom!

Doing what I love

I refuse to bitch about not getting any because. . .

. . . I’m so frigging busy, there’s no time to think about sex let alone participate.

I spent 10 days at work hosting 10 events, all related to cryptocurrency.

Cryptocurrency is not my most favorite topic.

Give me $100 and a computer and ask me to build a dragon costume and I’M ALL OVER IT!

I could occupy myself for HOURS!

So you can imagine, I was relieved when the events were successfully laid to rest.

I expected things to lighten up, but they didn’t.

I’m creating an entire website for work.

And I’m volunteering for a Regional Burn.

And I’m leading a camp at unSCruz.

And I’m on a board for a local burner group.

And I’m organizing the Bare Burn.

As well as a Costume Workshop and Clothing Exchange, and a Meet & Greet.

Where has all my free time gone?

Between the events, the meetings, and the volunteer work, I’m maxed out (almost)!

Of course, I’m forgetting one very important past time I need to keep up with:

BLOGGING!

Don’t feel bad for me though.

Because I’m doing things that I LOVE!

And there’s nothing better than spending time on things I enjoy.

Even if it doesn’t include S E X.

Dragons

Another day, another themed party for the burner community.

Have I said recently how much I LOVE my burner community?

Because I REALLY do!

This time, the theme is DRAGONS.

Think green scaly things, maidens in distress, and knights in shining armor.

I will be sure to flirt with all the knights in shining armor.

What am I going as?

Why a dragon, to be sure.

A nice, comfortable, green dragon.

I bought this onesie off of Amazon for $25.

It’s the right costume at the right price, if you ask me.

I personally love the idea of a medieval party.

I was tempted to buy these beautiful “bat” wings off of etsy:

However, I remember what a PAIN IN THE ASS it is to wear wings (always bumping in to people and can’t move without knocking something over) and I scrapped that idea.

So its just me and my onesie.

And MAKEUP!

Check out this awesome tutorial for dragon makeup using (I think) fake gold nails for dragon scales. . .

I’m not sure I’m up to doing a whole face of dragon makeup, but I could probably muster something interesting to look at.

Wish me luck!

Flirt

He told me I sucked at flirting, and boy was he right.

I’m terrible at flirting.

Honestly, I’m one of those people who (unless it’s totally obvious my love interest is also interested in me) basically tries to ignore my potential mate.

Feeling attracted to someone brings a flush of emotions – turn on being the most notable among them.

And it feels SO GOOD!

But there’s also notably FEAR.

Yes, I get scared.

Is he going to flirt with me?  Does he like me?  Should I flirt with him first?

So let’s get back to the guy who told me I sucked at flirting.

Two years ago, in a bar at Burning Man – a place basically CREATED with hookups in mind – and I’m trying desperately to get the attention of a charismatic older man.

Sure enough my attempts to flirt are bombing.

It probably would have been better if I hadn’t sent my friend in to find out more details about him – a textbook 6th grade flirting technique.

So then I became BOLD.

I stared at his lips.

I smiled at him and played with my hair.

And sure enough, he let me kiss him.

So it’s not like I TOTALLY BOMBED at flirting.

But I’d say that a 6th grade approach to flirting is a LITTLE outdated and should be abandoned for a more appropriate and mature approach.

So I mustered up all my courage and. . .

I invited him to my RV.

Yup. I sure did.

It’s a steep learning curve, but I eventually will get it.

Pregnancy Test

So there I am, sitting at the kitchen table, when I get a text:

You have new lab results.

Okay.

I took some blood tests earlier that day and the results were rolling in.

Curious, I clicked on the link.

My mom and dad were there (they’re retired doctors) and they asked me to read the results out loud.

I cleared my throat and read the first line:

“Pregnancy Test”

As soon as I read those words, I stopped in my tracks.

Wha?!

My parents eyes widened.

NEGATIVE.

Of course.

Because I haven’t done what you need to do to get pregnant.

What are they doing testing a 45 year old woman for pregnancy, anyway?

But there you go, an awkward family moment brought to you by Kaiser Permanente.

 

ASMR

So there’s this thing out there.

It’s called ASMR:

Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response

It’s a feeling of well-being combined with a tingling sensation in the scalp and down the back of the neck that some people experience in response to gentle stimulus – like a soft sound.

I’m going to be straight with you.

I just recently discovered mukbang (when an online host eats large amounts of food while interacting with the audience).

And slime squishing (no explanation necessary).

And what these things have in common is ASMR.

Ignoring the fact that I’m about 10 years late to this party, I must say “I LOVE ASMR.”

I don’t get tingly, but what I do get is a feeling of satisfaction while I watch mukbang, ASMR, and slime videos.

Are you cutting kinetic sand with a knife?

I want to watch.

Eating a bucket of spicy glass noodles?

I’m there.

Squishing slime peppered with glitter?

Yes, please!

I’m not sure why I’m drawn to ASMR, but I love it.

So I’m going to leave you with one of the funniest, yet satisfying videos to watch:

P.S.  ASMR has hit the main stream.  Check out this Superbowl commercial for Michelob Ultra featuring ASMR:

Steel Knickers

This could be TMI but I’m gonna go there.

I’ve had no below-the-belt action since 2018.

Now, in a way this is a good thing.

I don’t have to shave my legs.

I don’t have to wax.

I don’t even blow dry my hair anymore.

Personal maintenance is at an all-time low (although the makeup routine is strong and steady).

There’s such little action that I am considering steel knickers.

Cement panties?

I mean, what’s the point of fancy lingerie when no one sees it?

The other day, a bouquet of flowers was delivered to my desk.

I have to admit, I got a little excited when I saw them.

Maybe a man sent them to me?

But no, it was no man.

Just a colleague.

My initial reaction reminded me of the fact that I do want to have a relationship.

Despite being pretty comfortable with my single status.

Isn’t life better with someone to love?

Of course it is.

The little (and I mean TINY) romantic in me is just waiting to love someone up.

The truculent bitch in me is saying, “So what?  Who needs a man?”

Well, duh.

Me.

Survival

I survived 10 events in 10 days, but it wasn’t pretty.

I was so stressed out, I called my doctor and got a prescription for anxiety medication.

Yes, I’m one of those people.

The kind of person who checks and triple checks her orders before an event only to stress out because I’m sure something is going to fall through.

Like the linens.

I forgot to order linens because I thought that the tables I rented were finished.

Not so!

So the day before my event I was desperately calling party rental places trying to find 75 black linens.

Do you want to know how much it costs to rent 75 black linens for 3 days?

$1,400.

Yup.

That’s how big my event was.

We had 962 attendees.

It was IN-SANE!

Now that it’s over, my stress is slowly diminishing, although I’m certainly far from feeling normal.

I feel proud of myself for reaching out to my doctor and my family and friends when my mental health started to deteriorate.

It’s not easy to admit when you need help.

Anxiety can cripple a person, and when you’re dealing with 962 people, each of whom has a million questions and requests of you, it’s easy to get overwhelmed.

But I made it.

And this morning, I got this:

They love me.

They really love me.

 

P.S.  I was hoping they were from a man, but alas they’re just from colleagues.