Boobalicious

I often say insane things and one of my more famous quotes is, “The world would be a much happier place if we could only see more tits.”

Oversimplified? Yes, but still true.

A glimpse of the globes or a partial nip slip, and grins start to appear on our faces. It’s an interesting phenomenon, but it explains our fascination with Pamela Anderson.

It also explains my preoccupation with my cousin Jennifer’s exhibitionist ways. Tits make me happy and as a sexually frustrated, card-carrying heterosexual, I’m not embarrassed to admit it.

I don’t always check out the women at the gym, but sometimes I do. Not because I’m comparing (although I can’t say that those thoughts don’t cross my mind), but because I know that millions of men would pay to be standing where I’m standing and seeing what I’m seeing so I’m just going to soak up the view and gloat internally.

Oddly enough, I’ve only ever had one boyfriend who was in to tits, and just ‘cuz it’ll bug Jennifer I’m going to admit it was Steve. I find this a little odd and very ironic since one of my best features besides my Zezza butt is my boobs. This is just further evidence that I always manage to date THE WRONG MAN!

Manufacturers are cashing in on the boob craze with interesting products designed to lift your spirits and make you smile. Isn’t it nice to see products like this on the market, which allow anyone to enjoy not just the sight of a nice pair of tits, but also the feel?

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I feel compelled to point out the importance of not installing this in your guest bathroom (unless you have THOSE kinds of guests). Brings new meaning to “lather, rinse, and repeat!”

How I ALMOST lost my virginity

It was the summer between sophomore and junior years.  I was 15 years old.  I was feeling frustrated because my sister, who I was so competitive with, had lost her virginity and I still had mine.

Oh, the stupidity of our youth.

So I did the only thing I could think of…. I invited the school flirt* over to my house when my parents were out.

When he arrived, I was skinny dipping in the pool out back.

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One thing led to another and before I knew it, we were on the bed fooling around.  He reached down, touched it, freaked out, and left.

It was my Molly Ringwald /Sixteen Candles moment.

I eventually got over the embarrassment and thinking that something was wrong with me. Especially when I found out that he had been a virgin too and that everything that happened that day had been a series of firsts for him.  First time seeing boobs.  First time playing with boobs.  First time seeing a naked woman in the flesh…. you get the picture.

I eventually succeeded in losing my virginity to a total tool.  He was such a tool that people call him “Kanye.”  To this day I wish I lost my virginity to the school flirt*.

*No guessing who the school flirt might be!

Interrupted service

Lake DonnerI’m going on vacation this week.

The boys and I are flying to Reno to visit their Aunt Lisa and have some fun.

We will be:

  • Ziplining
  • Taking the Alpine roller coaster
  • Having fun at Lake Donner
  • Going on Heavenly’s gondola
  • Taking in the seafood/steak buffet at Toucan Charlie’s
  • White water rafting
  • Visiting ijji’s for dinner
  • Bowling at the Grand Sierra
  • Getting locked in a puzzle room at Break Through Reno
  • Maybe taking in a Reno Aces ballgame
  • Going on hikes (to hopefully catch Pokemon)

Because of this, postings may be sporadic, instead of daily.  And you may see a RECYCLED post or two.

No fear, my friends.  I will be back to posting in real time as soon as vacay is over!

michelle beach

Meow!

So my friend Mark was messaging me the other day when the topic of HIGH SCHOOL REUNIONS came up.

As I rule, I have shunned reunions.

I think they exist so that graduates can go through unnecessary efforts to show off how GREAT they are doing while simultaneously gossiping about other graduates.

It all seems a little forced and contrived.

I keep in touch with all the people I want to from high school.

And now that there’s Facebook, I can keep in touch with all the people I didn’t want to keep in touch with from high school.

I joke.

I LOVE all my Facebook friends.

In any case, I half jokingly said that if I were to go to a reunion, I’d wear my Cheshire cat costume from Burning Man.

cheshire catAnd that’s when it hit me. . .

I really WOULD wear a costume to a reunion.

Just to show how seriously I take all the pomp and circumstance surrounding a reunion.

Meow!

Tahoe Trip: The Black Hole

One thing my sister and I do a lot of when I go to visit her is GET TATTOOS.

Another thing we do is GET PIERCINGS.

I can’t tell you how much fun I have in the dark, cramped rooms of seedy tattoo parlors and piercing studios.

My boys joke that every time I go to Reno, I return with a new piercing or tattoo.

And that’s not far from the truth.

This visit, my sister and I went to Black Hole Body Piercing in Reno.

I needed to get my nose piercing tightened.  Exciting stuff.

My sister, however, got her left daith pierced.

piercingsI held my sister’s hand as the technician got ready to poke another hole in her body.

Lisa flinched when the needle went in. . .  and she didn’t stop flinching.

I didn’t envy her the piercing, though I’ve been thinking about getting another pair of piercings in my lobes.

And the end result?

Nothing short of beautiful:

daith peircing

Tahoe Trip: Rock, Paper, Scissors

If I told you that the concert that I went to at Harvey’s Lake Tahoe with Sting and Peter Gabriel, two brilliant Englishmen, was AWESOME I would be understating the experience.

It was MORE THAN AWESOME.

It was epic.

A once-in-a-lifetime experience.

History in the making.

Sting shaved off his beard and was looking particularly devilishly handsome.

Especially when he rocked his hips during “Sledgehammer.”

I’ve never been fond of sledgehammers, but at the moment I was convinced that he could “sledgehammer” me and I’d be quite happy with the outcome.

My sister and I drank nothing but water at the concert so we were sobering up as the concert progressed which might be why I remember more of the end of the concert than the beginning.

Of course it could also be that they pulled out all the stops as the concert climaxed.

My heels, which I’d been wearing ALL DAY since 5 am, failed me and so I had to sit for most of the concert and watch the show on the Jumbotron.

Here are some of my favorite pics from the concert:

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Tahoe Trip: The Bar Chronicles

I took a little mini break to Reno/Tahoe this past weekend to see Sting and Peter Gabriel in concert in Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Getting there was a HUGE hassle.

My Thursday evening flight was cancelled.

And I did all my nervous flyer prep – 2 Ativan, 1 Makers on the rocks, 2 beers, and a downloaded movie (Avatar) to distract myself.

So when the young lady at the counter suggested I use a credit from Alaska Air to DRIVE to Reno, I was in no condition to drive.

Fast forward to Friday morning.

I’m finally on a plane heading to Reno/Tahoe airport.

There was a whirlwind of activity when I arrived:

  • Breakfast with my sister
  • Packing for the overnight in Tahoe
  • Buying food in case we get the munchies after the concert
  • The short drive to Tahoe, which I scored the music for
  • And finally, checking in to our hotel – Harvey’s

And so it was, at 1 pm, that we commenced with the drinking.

I think I had, over the course of 6 hours, 5 gin and tonics (they were small), one mojito, and one VERY POORLY MADE SAZERAC.

sazeracNEVER ORDER A COCKTAIL IF THE BARTENDER ASKS YOU HOW TO MAKE IT!

I got rye whiskey on the rocks with a splash of simple syrup and a dash of Angostura bitters.

Garnished with a lemon wedge.

No absinthe wash, no Peychaud’s bitters, and IT WAS SERVED ON ICE.

Ok, enough with the rant.

My sister and I drank so much that we opted to just drink water at the concert.

This, I think, saved us both from hangovers the next day.

And, unlike our Elton John debacle, we actually remember the WHOLE CONCERT!

Week 1 of NO INTERNET DATING

It’s been 1 week since I deleted all my internet dating apps off my phone – bye bye Tinder, OKC, and POF.

IMG_9917I feel pretty good about my decision so far even though I have a lot of free evenings.

I did get drunk and flirt with my sister’s ex boyfriend from high school, however.

I believe our conversation had something to do with me, a magic wand, and a rambling man.

He was less than outstanding in the sexting department but WAY OFF THE CHARTS when it comes to INTELLECTUAL STIMULATION!

You can’t expect me to TOTALLY give up on men.

A little flirt is good.

Well, actually I’m not giving up on men at all.

I’m just giving up on the ENDLESS REVOLVING DOOR STYLE OF DATING which lacks connection.

I feel a little bit like a furloughed criminal, getting a chance to experience life on the outside.

It’s been so long since I went without using internet dating apps, I have no idea what to expect now that I’ve eliminated it from my life.

Here is my survival plan:

  1. Hang out with friends and family
  2. Network
  3. Agree to go out on blind dates
  4. Hit the gym
  5. Use my magic wand
  6. Go out on dates
  7. Be open minded
  8. Continue to have adventures
  9. Don’t be afraid to go solo
  10. If all else fails, sext

And there you have it, my single gals approach to shunning internet dating to live in the real world.

How long do you think I’ll survive?

Hot, hot, hot!

The thing about glass blowing is that it’s REALLY hot.  Of course, all of us know this going into it but when you’re actually there, experiencing the heat, it’s like nothing you’ve felt before…. kinda like how you imagine walking on the sun would feel.

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The next think you need to know about glass blowing is that it’s very sweaty.  Rivers of sweat were running down my face and back.  I was a hot mess.  LITERALLY.

So I arrived at my glass glowing class to discover Ryan, my huge, hairy, hunky teacher there.  Boy did I have fun learning from him.  He demonstrated the process one time and then took each of the students one by one and helped us make a bowl.

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 The process is a little like this:
  • Blow a glass bubble through a wand
  • Add color
  • Blow a bigger glass bubble
  • Add even more color
  • Blow an even bigger glass bubble
  • Pinch the neck of the bubble
  • Add a base to the bubble
  • Flatten the base
  • Transfer the bubble/base to another wand
  • Heat the bubble
  • Open up the bubble to make a bowl
  • Heat the bowl
  • Swing it around to make swirly edges
  • Knock the wand off it, heat the base and stamp it
  • Let it cool
That was basically the process which took about 15 minutes to complete.
And here are the photos from my glass blowing experience.  Hope you enjoy!
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