I went on a date

michelleI went on a date.

It was my first date of 2017.

That’s how long it’s been since I’ve had a date.

I went out with him because he was a clever boy.

He sent me a message.  I went to his profile and looked at his pictures.  Hmmmm.  No.  Not my type, I decided.

But then. . .

He sent me a message:

“My profile:
You came.
You saw.
You left?
Now marketing is all over me about first impressions. . . ”

And so on.

Well, you get the picture.  He was clever.

And in my book, clever is valuable and should be rewarded.

So I agreed to go on a date.

And how did it go?

Well, apart from him bringing up swingers clubs in the first 20 minutes of our date, I’d say NOT BAD.

He even gave me a kiss goodnight which was NOT BAD.

There was a bit of a TONGUE DUMP at the end there, but overall he was a nice kisser.

First impressions?

Clever counts.

 

Locked and loaded

gunguy1I just want to bring up what I find a disturbing trend in online dating – POSTING PICTURES WITH GUNS.

Yipes!

Seriously?

Do I really need to see that you love posting pictures your rifle or shotgun more than you enjoy posting pictures of your car and your friends?

I think not.

I posted a picture of my truck because I like it and it has a HEMI which I find very sexy.

It represents my on-the-go lifestyle.

But a gun?

I’m not gonna post pictures of me with a gun because that doesn’t reflect who I am.

I find it intimidating as well as trashy to see men with guns in their online dating profile.

Mind you, I have friends with guns who post pictures to Facebook and that’s a TOTALLY DIFFERENT CREATURE.

Facebook friends know you.  They see pictures of you with your kids.  There’s a whole person represented online.

So I’m a little confused as to why a guy would EMPHASIZE what has to be a small part of his life on his online dating profile.

Those pictures always look menacing.

But WHATEVER!

gunhuy2

Love Spells and 20 Questions

jennifer2So my cousin Jennifer tagged me in a Facebook post “If you want to fall in love with anyone, apparently all you have to do is ask them these questions.

Hmmmmm.

Intriguing.

I bought a Love Spell for $1 from the Renaissance Faire and I’m still single.

But okay, what gives?

I clicked the link.

I found that the questions were grouped into three categories – each with increasing intimacy.

Set 1 had questions like:

  • Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  • When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  • If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2 had questions like:

  • What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  • If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
  • How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

And Set 3 had questions like:

  • Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  • Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
  • Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

Whew!

Those questions really pull from the gut and I’m afraid I’d be emotionally exhausted after sharing them.

But I get what they are intending to do: create intimacy.

Remove the veils of pretense and get to the heart of who each of us is.

Because deep down, under all the layers we carry to protect ourselves, all we really want is to be seen and to be loved for who we really are.

Full stop.

I’m not saying this approach will work but it’ll certainly weed out the men who aren’t looking for a relationship.

The author caps off this Q and A session with eye gazing for 2 to 4 minutes.

Have you ever eye gazed?

It’s not easy to do. In the beginning it’s awkward. You may laugh a bit. Roll your eyes. But then you start to FEEL something. A connection. You start to SEE someone as a vulnerable human being. You soften. They react.

It’s actually quite beautiful.

So maybe these questions will be as effective as my Love Spell, but I’m willing to give anything a try. . .

Strike THREE!

My experiences online dating have been frustrating, as of late.

To begin with, there are a lot of guys who live VERY FAR AWAY who are messaging me.

No, I DON’T want to travel to fricking MODESTO for a date.

I think not.

Not that the men aren’t tempting.

I get all excited because I see a lumberjack is emailing me only to find out that he lives in Manteca.

Apparently there are a plethora of lumberjacks living in the Central Valley.

Then there’s this guy who lives in the East Bay and I think, “Ok. Maybe. . .”

screen-shot-2017-02-16-at-10-21-07-amHandsome.  Love the beard.  Hoping he has tattoos.

So I go check out his profile and I notice he’s spelled coffee “coffey.”

Strike one.

So I read his profile and notice that he also spelled “too” wrong.

As in “Not TO much to ask for.”

Strike two.

And finally, as I’m reviewing his profile, I note that he’s “separated” as in “MARRIED” and we all know how I feel about dating “separated” men.

Strike three.

YOU’RE OUT!

RADICAL RITUAL

MichelleThe theme for Burning Man 2017 is RADICAL RITUAL.

I’m at a loss for how to express this.

My idea of conducting a ritual is to smudge my room, my tent, and the Motor Beast. Occasionally, it means having “fancy tea.”

And on RARE occasions, I light a candle, drink a bottle of wine, and weep as I talk to my beloved departed friends: Andrew and Austin.

I’m not quite sure how I’m going to incorporate this theme into my burn this year.

For sure there will be a smudging of the Motor Beast.

And I imagine I’ll get together with Tejas’ lady love Yvonne to ask her if she wants to build some rituals around our trip:

  • Ritual massages (Heebee Jeebees),
  • Ritual bathing (Dr. Brommer’s Foam Bath),
  • Ritual dancing to music (anywhere on playa),
  • and ritual tarot cards (Yvonne and Tejas are learning).

I’m sure I’m just not thinking creatively enough.

After all, you can build rituals into just about any activity you want.

So maybe I’ll come up with a “Land me a man” ritual.

It would be incredible to fall in love with someone at Burning Man.

It would involve building an altar with things I find important about a significant other: generosity, kindness, love of the outdoors, and a big heart.

We’ll just add that if he looks like a lumberjack, the happier I’ll be.

Tattoos too.

Ok, I digress.

So I’m gonna spend some time developing some rituals surrounding my next burn.

Here’s hoping it’s even better than 2016!

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Good on paper, bad IRL

I’m constantly torn when I’m internet dating.

If I went out with every guy who showed interest in me, I’d be going out on two dates a night.

Instead, I go out with just the guys I’m attracted to.

That’s a MUCH smaller pool.

I’m just going to go ahead and admit that I almost exclusively use photos to select my dates.

I look for genuine smiles and broad shoulders.

Lately however, I’ve spent more time READING profiles.

And I’m torn.

Is it better to go out with someone you find unattractive whose profile speaks to you? Or is it better to go out with someone you’re simply attracted to, regardless of their profile?

So far, I haven’t had any luck going out with men I’m not attracted to and HOPING that an attraction develops.

Although I can talk myself into kissing just about anyone ONCE, it never pans out for me.

I always wind up caught up in an awkward embrace, trying to keep my lips from being hoovered off while he grabs at my ass like a baboon scratching its butt.

Occasionally I’m pleasantly surprised.

Like with Tony from Sweden who basically kissed me and made my toes curl.

We’re friends on Facebook.

[SMILE]

So I’m just curious, is it worth going out with men who look good on paper but maybe there’s less attraction IRL or should I keep plugging away at the men I find attractive?

Thoughts?

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Inside, I was a total bitch

michelleYou would all be so proud.

I met a man.

And just like before, we started to text. Heavily.

Turns out our sons go to the same high school. And they’re in the same grade. And they know each other.

Then, right in the middle of the “conversation” he stopped texting me.

Okay.

He got busy, I’m sure. But still. . .

He messaged me the next day with a request to talk that night.

I said yes however he NEVER CALLED.

Okay.

Then, two days later, another text saying “I can talk now. Are you available?”

Now.

I was tempted to reply to him and say, “You seem like a very busy man with not a lot of free time to invest in looking for a relationship. It’s been nice texting but I think I’m looking for someone with more free time.”

Did I send that text?

No.

Why?

Because I’m chicken shit and I HATE stirring up shit.

And I didn’t want to sound bitchy.

But inside. . .

I WAS A TOTAL BITCH.

So score one for me for not going after another UNAVAILABLE man, no matter how big the size of his mortgage brokerage company.

Unavailable is unavailable.

Mermaid Hair, don’t care

I’ve been looking into hair extensions for Burning Man.

Reason #1:  I like really colorful things – just look at all the rainbows in my Burning Man closet!

Reason #2:  I like brightly colored hair.  It just looks awesome and edgy AF.

Reason #3:  I work in a place which would look down on me dyeing my hair pink or blue.  I mean they put up with my nose piercing but I’m not sure they’d survive my orange hair!

Since I know so little about hair extensions, I’m going to play around with some cheap ones until I figure out what I like and what works.

But just to inspire you, here are some INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL women with mermaid hair:

mermaid-hair1 mermaid-hair2
mermaid-hair3 mermaid-hair4

So I bought two kinds of hair extensions – a pretty lavender hair extension:

extensions-lavender

And a few brightly colored pieces:

extensions-colored

As far as the multicolored stands go, I’d like to combine the peach, lavender and salmon for a rosy look and the fuchsia, dark blue, and purple for a more “galactic look” (can anyone see me in my Galactic Pussy hat with this hair?):

galaxy-hair1

Yeah, galaxy hair is AWESOME!

Now, I just need to work on LIGHTING UP MY HAIR and then you can color me satisfied!

FYI, here is my Galactic Pussy hat:

galactic-pussy-hat

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What NOT to do when SPEED Dating

So Barbara went speed dating.

Women were invited to attend free.

Perhaps it’s easier to get men to sign up than it is to get women to sign up for these things.

I was wondering why she didn’t invite me to join in the, ahem, fun when I remembered that I’m an ENTIRE DECADE OLDER than Barbara.

So I COULDN’T ATTEND.

Why throw in a non-breeder with all those breeders.

It’s not like I’m going to have kids with a 30 year old.

Been there and DONE THAT.

PAYING FOR COLLEGE FOR IT, actually.

Yesterday at a Galentine’s Tea, the ladies asked Barbara about it.

Her experience much mirrored my own experience speed dating:

  • Five minutes can be a REALLY LONG TIME if there’s no connection.
  • In the end, all you need is ONE. But it feels like a FUCKING NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK!

So just to remind you all of my speed dating disaster, here is what I wrote back in September 2014 when I lost my mind and decided speed dating was a good idea:

 

What shouldn’t you do when speed dating? Speed date. Full stop.

Just. Don’t. Do. It.

Let me save you the trouble and paint a picture of my speed dating debacle.

The evening started off nice enough with me getting stopped on the streets of downtown San Jose by a random man who wanted to tell me I looked beautiful. Awwww.

photo 2(3) photo 1(3)

 I arrived at the restaurant feeling confident. I was 30 minutes early so I decided to order one of their signature cocktails.

Bartender can’t make it. No grapefruit.

So I order a Sazerac – only the OLDEST cocktail in history.

Bartender can’t make that either.

Fine! I had an old fashioned.

I sipped on my cocktail, sulking a bit. Unimpressed with the bartender.

People started arriving for the event. I was eating a nice bloody rare steak I’d been craving when I was interrupted by the event hosts. Time to go!

Shit! No time to pee or brush my teeth after eating all that garlic and jalapenos at dinner. Oh well. Faux pas.

And did it matter?

Not one bit.

What happened next is what I like to call the “Parade of Trolls.” My dates were all fat, short, and even rude on several occasions.

They’d been rode hard and put away wet.

Oh, and did I mention that because I didn’t get a chance to pee I accidentally peeped my pants? Just a skosh.

Yeah, I was a real winner too.

Let me just say right now if I’m going to wear a too tight bra, I’d better be rewarded at the end of it. There was no reward here.

My only reward was my freedom. The joy of running out the restaurant door straight to my car to head home and purge the last two hours from my memory.

This whole experience has soured me to the entire dating world. There’s nothing I want less right now than another fucking first date.

Gah! Fucking speed dating!

I’m going to sit at home, eat cheese, and drink martinis while watching episodes of “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

Speed date? I’d rather chew on tinfoil while shaving my head with a cheese grater!

The post where I wear a lobster in my hair

This past weekend I went to the Salvador Dali Anti Valentine’s Day Arti Parti with Barbara.

fullsizerender1I showed up wearing black leggings and a Toxic Love sweatshirt.

I also had a lobster on my head because, you know, who doesn’t wear a lobster on their head for a Dali Arti Parti?

fullsizerenderTejas and his lady love Yvonne showed up to the party all dressed up as well and Tejas took this lovely photo of me:

img_0971Could I look any worse?

Honestly, it’s SO BAD it’s good.

All that’s missing is a beer in my hand.

So I spent the night sitting in the corner chair dancing my heart out while drinking coronas.

It was a blast!

But I must say, I was a little disappointed.

I thought I’d be the only one wearing a lobster on my head and it turns out a BUNCH of other people showed up with lobsters – notably a woman wearing a bra with two lobsters attached and a pair of underwear with a lobster attached.

Link to the picture is HERE.

Who knew I’d b upstaged by a LOBSTER BIKINI!!!

And I never thought I’d write those two words together.

Go figure.

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