Mommy

I’ve been waiting for the right moment to tell this story.

It’s the story of me and someone I dated who had an infantilism fetish.

Now the first thing you should know is that I don’t knock anyone’s fetish.

And because of that, I thought well hey, maybe I can do this.

After all, I’ve got the muffins for it.

But as it turns out, no.

I do not have the composition necessary to engage in these activities.

For one, the milk has long since dried up and I’m not anxious to get it back.

I felt like a big lactating cow when I was nursing my kids.

Not sexy.

And another thing – when someone calls me “mommy” I think of my babies which is great when you’re raising kids but awful when you’re trying to get your groove on.

I politely asked him to me called “Mimi” instead of “mommy” but that didn’t cut it with this guy.

My foray into infantilism lasted all of one date.

When it’s not for you, it’s clear that IT’S NOT FOR YOU.

And that’s when I realized I was looking for something different.

Perhaps a man who doesn’t sign all his text messages with the milk bottle and water droplet emoji.

Now, you may think of this as a setback but every time I clarify one more thing I’m not looking for, and I’m confident it’s not for me, well that just puts me one step closer to knowing what I DO want.

So I can confidently say I know one more thing about myself.

I’ll get to where I need to be by process of elimination.

Taste the rainbow

Valentine’s Day has got me all hot and bothered.

But not for a date.

No.

I’m binging on lingerie AGAIN, because I haven’t bought any in such a long time so in typical fashion I am TOTALLY throwing myself into it.

Today I shopped the rainbow of lingerie:

 

Oh, shopping for lingerie is SO DANGEROUS!

I’m sorely tempted to buy a shit ton of lingerie to wear to Burning Man.

Because my fellow burners really need to see me rocking boyshorts and a matching bralette.

Right?

Which ones should I collect?

Thievery

I steal a lot.

And I steal from my friends and family.

Personally, I think you’re a dope if you don’t steal a little bit of the people you love and take it with you wherever you go.

It’s one of the great pleasures of life, to be able to learn new things from other people and have those skills, memories and passions continue on.

Jay taught me appreciation for craft beer and craft cocktails.

My heart skips a beat when I see a great cocktail menu.

And, I simply can’t listen to any Christmas music without thinking of him.

I’m glad a part of him stuck with me even after we split.

Steve taught me Highland Games sports.

My ability to throw a caber I owe completely to him.

And, of course, he was with me when I bought my truck so every time I see my truck I think of him and his massive chest and muscular legs fitting inside that truck when we took it for a test drive.

I stole from Charlie The Aussie as well.

I took his Australian sense of adventure and incorporated that into my blog – doing everything from going to Burning Man to running with the bulls.

I’m pretty sure he’s the entire reason why I ran a half marathon in Big Sur in 2010 and raised $5,000 for the Ronald McDonald House at Packard Children’s Hospital.

I could go on and on about The Swede.

Because of him I can say “I love you” in Swedish.

And I simply can’t eat spicy food without remembering the time he fed me a spicy chocolate truffle which had me hanging my tongue under the faucet.

He also taught me passion for hockey, and though I seldom attend games I enjoy watching the Sharks play on TV and I remember watching The Swede’s talented daughter playing goalie when I was visiting in Sweden.

But by and large, the man who challenged me the most when it comes to learning about another person’s passions is The Professor.

He taught me that accepting the status quo is tantamount to stagnation.

He encouraged me to test my edges and learn new things about myself, not just him.

And without giving too much away, I simply can’t look at Machu Picchu without thinking about him and all his adventurous world travels.

In the end, these are the pieces that are left behind with me when relationships end and I move on.

I think it’s great to hold on to the positive and forget the negative.

We are shaped by the relationships that we forge and I for one am really happy with how things have turned out, even if I’ve been turned into an adventurous, traveling cocktail snob with non-mainstream relationship goals.

Weird Science

I came up with a new idea for Multiverse:  Burning Man 2020.

Lisa from Weird Science.

She was conjured out of the ether of men’s fantasies by two nerds, what is more Multiverse than that?

It’s been amusing putting together this costume.

To begin with, she’s not wearing a bodysuit, she’s wearing some kind of scoop neck royal blue suspender swimsuit singlet.

Sort of.

Try googling that in a plus size and see what you get. . .

It’s a hodge-podge of baby onesies, swimsuits, and some REALLY OUTSTANDING harnesses for men.

I kid you not.

Just when I thought I’d found the right scoop neck royal blue suspender swimsuit singlet, I looked at the back view and noticed it was a thong.

Uh, no.

Not even with heather gray stockings on.

So I finally found this suspender swimsuit and the designer is willing to make it in royal blue for me:

I could buy a Shermer Phys. Ed. t-shirt already created for $50 but why spend $50 on a tube top when I can custom make my own for $25?

So there you have it, my Lisa from Weird Science outfit.

Just add heather gray tights, men’s striped athletic socks and white sneakers and call it a day:

DATES!

Just in case we’re keeping track, I’ve had exactly two dates since I absolutely swore off blogging my dates.

Yes, not ONE but TWO dates!

I’ve been productive.

Both dates were in restaurants I’d never been to with men I’d never been out with before.

There’s something a little scary about meeting a strange man in a new place.

You never know who you’re REALLY going out with.

Although for the record, I’ve had basically neutral interactions with everyone I’ve gone out with.

Yeah, perhaps my dates and I lacked chemistry, but overall the men I’ve gone out with have been an adequate lot.

If on the horny side.

I know, I know. . . you’re thinking, “But it’s YOU, Michelle!  You attract your own energy.”

Perhaps I am a little to blame.

Can I help it that when given the slightest flirt, men usually amplify the signal 10 fold?

Suddenly cheeky banter turns into an all-out sext fest.

Not that that is what happened on my dates.

No.

Or, maybe. . .

I really can’t say.

Single AF

Let’s face it, not very many people like Valentine’s Day. So if it’s got you down, here’s a girl’s guide to surviving THE WORST holiday ever created.

 

Remember to celebrate your friends with an appropriately worded card:

Don’t forget you can always “opt out” of the holiday entirely:

But if you want to still be a part of the holiday, don’t fret.  Everyone knows LOVE SUCKS:

Plenty of other people have black hearts on Valentine’s Day:

So you might as well ADORN yourself with the sentiment:

Don’t be afraid to express how you feel:

Really put it out there:

So that everyone can see:

And remember to celebrate what makes you happy:

Because you are a BAD ASS BITCH:

There’s no such thing as PERFECT so learn to COMPROMISE:

Don’t be afraid to celebrate life’s little adequacies:

Ultimately, you are EVERYTHING you need:

And remember, I’m not yours. You’re not mine. Be my Anti-Valentine:

Anti Valentine’s Day 2019

Ok, so every year around Valentine’s Day I post links to etsy Anti-Valentine’s Day gift ideas and this year will be no different.

Fuck Valentine’s Day banner – I blog my hatred of Valentine’s Day, you can hang a banner.

Ah ha ha ha – perfect card for me to send to my sister.

Anti-Valentine’s Day cookies – for my snarky 18 year old to pass out to their friends.

Love is in the Air tank top – better stop breathing!

An Anti-Valentines’ Day mug – about as romantic as I could get for this fucking disaster of a holiday.

Oh yes, the CLASSIC “Cupid rhymes with stupid” tee – so you can broadcast what you really feel.

Fuck off necklace – don’t you just love the profanity of it? You can’t say it doesn’t send a message.

Ah, well I love tasteless cards, and this is one of them.

Another card I’d like to send to my ex.

Pins for Single Awareness Day – don’t be afraid to show the world what you think.

The best part of Valentine’s Day? An excuse to drink excessively and drown your frustrations.

And last, a bandana which I would put on my dog if I had one but oh yeah, she died and now not even my dog is there to love me. Tears!

A little more love in the world

I’ve been single for 15 years, with a few notable relationships:

I can’t forget Steve, literally the smartest man I’ve ever dated.

Or Drew, who was the TALLEST at 6’11” tall.

Jay was the sweetest and the closest I came to pure happiness.

But he was followed by The Professor who altered my life forever by teaching me to test my edges.

The Swede captured my heart despite the unsurmountable distance between us.

And continuing with the international theme, I was totally enamored with Charlie The Aussie, who was the most adventurous man I ever met.

Finally, there’s Luke who I don’t really care to remember that often on account of his poor post-miscarriage behavior.

There has been a smattering of other men thrown in, but those are the highlights.

I’m starting to think, because I’ve been single for so long, that I make a pretty good single person.

I keep busy with friends and family.

I have a sex life.

Occasionally, it’s even robust.

It may be unusual and atypical for a single female living in the Bay Area but it keeps me happy.

Pretty much the only thing I miss from being coupled up is having someone to remind me when it’s time to rotate my tires.

The only reason why I’m looking AT ALL is because I don’t want to be single in my sunset years.

I want to travel and explore the world with someone when I retire.

Share history with someone.

Can’t blame me for working toward a goal.

Especially when the goal is to create a little more love in this world.

Lingerie for Valentine’s Day

Despite my obvious hostility towards Valentine’s Day, I would never let the opportunity pass me to buy a little bit of lingerie.

Under my onesie for the Valentine’s Day Pub Crawl, should I wear:

1.  This hot little red number?

2.  This sexy black teddy?

3.  This SUPER sexy chemise?

4.  This blood red babydoll?

5.  Dunno what this is, but it’s hawt!

6.  This sultry number?

7.  An oxblood-colored nightdress (who needs sleep)?

8.  Red AND black, the best of both worlds?

9.  A strappy little black teddy with garters?

10.  Classic red and black bra, panties and matching garter belt?

11.  Nippies, and nothing else?

12. A heavenly little bohemian number?

What do you think I should wear (just in case I get lucky)?