Valentine’s Day Links

michelleI do this every year.  I get a wee bit sentimental and I start imagining that a whole day dedicated to love is a great and wonderful idea that doesn’t make single people feel unwanted and unloved.

So I post these links:

15 Free Valentine’s Day Printables [LINK]

25 Nerdy Valentine’s Day Cards [LINK]

Personalized lingerie [LINK]

A cute puppy in a bow tie (awwww) [LINK]

Because I couldn’t do any better if I did it myself:  Epic lingerie 2016 ed. [LINK]

Chocolate cocktails – because let’s face it, all those red, berry sweet Valentine’s cocktails are just too gross for words [LINK]

100 Ways to be Kinder [LINK]

Valentine’s Day pins, via Pinterest [LINK] and [LINK]

27 Cute Things to write your Valentine [LINK]

Top Chick Flicks to watch for Valentine’s Day, by decade [LINK]

12 Aphrodisiac Foods to eat for Hotter Sex [LINK]

Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas for Her [LINK] for HIM [LINK] for your dog or cat [LINK]

DIY Heart Piñata [LINK]

Rewards that aren’t Food or Shopping [LINK]

 

 

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

50 Anti Valentine’s Day Songs

av13Wanna know what I’m going to be listening to this Valentine’s Day?  A whole bunch of angry feminist pop music.

“Someone Like You” will slake my frustration over the one that got away.

“Irreplaceable” is perfect for that guy who left me for another woman WHILE I WAS HAVING A MISCARRIAGE.

“Survivor” is the perfect anthem for making me feel strong and empowered.

And of course there’s a little Judas Priest in there so I can really vent my anger over the DISASTER THAT IS INTERNET DATING.

  1. God, I Get It – K. Michelle
  2. Since U Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson
  3. You Oughta Know – Alanis Morissette
  4. Irreplaceable – Beyoncé
  5. Bulletproof – La Roux
  6. Never Getting Back Together – Taylor Swift
  7. The Heart Wants What it Wants – Selena Gomez
  8. Doing it Wrong – Drake
  9. Someone Like You – Adele
  10. Survivor – Destiny’s Child
  11. Need You Now – Lady Antebellum
  12. Big Girls Don’t Cry – Fergie
  13. “IDFWU” – Big Sean
  14. Love Hurts – Gram Parsons
  15. It Must Have Been Love – Roxette
  16. So Sick – Ne-Yo
  17. You Bowed Down – Elvis Costello & The Attractions
  18. Gives You Hell – The All-American Rejects
  19. Blow Me (One Last Kiss) – P!nk
  20. You Got Lucky – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
  21. These Boots Are Made For Walking – Nancy Sinatra
  22. You Had Me – Joss Stone
  23. I Will Survive – Cake
  24. Hit the Road Jack – Ray Charles
  25. F*ck You – Ce Lo Green
  26. Somebody that I Used to Know – Gotye
  27. I Kicked a Boy – The Sundays
  28. Love Stinks – J. Geils Band
  29. One is the Magic Number – Jill Scott
  30. Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac
  31. Ridin’ Solo – Jason Derulo
  32. No Scrubs – TLC
  33. Stronger – Britney Spears
  34. What the Hell – Avril Lavigne
  35. Dance Floor Anthem – Good Charlotte
  36. Single – Natasha Bedingfield
  37. Single Ladies – Beyoncé
  38. What Comes Around Goes Around – Justin Timberlake
  39. Cry Me a River – Justin Timberlake
  40. Survivor – Destiny’s Child
  41. Love the Way You Lie – Rhianna
  42. All of Me – John Legend
  43. Wrecking Ball – Miley Cyrus
  44. I’m Good, I’m Gone – Lykke Li
  45. Heartbeats – The Knife
  46. Love Bites – Judas Priest
  47. Fighter – Christina Aguilera
  48. Song for the Dumped – Ben Folds Five
  49. Here I go Again – Whitesnake
  50. Stronger – Kelly Clarkson

How I do Valentine’s Day

boysI have two teenage sons – ages 15 and 17.

They are at an age now where they are keenly aware of what is cool and what isn’t.

Dodge Chargers? Cool.

Bieber hair? Not cool.

College football? Cool.

Valentine’s Day? Not cool.

They happen to be the two most important men in my life and since I have no one to celebrate a ROMANTIC Valentine’s Day with, I opt to celebrate a FAMILIAL Valentine’s Day with them.

I’m sure they’d rather I not, but I am a Type-A overachiever and I can’t let a holiday go by without celebrating the SHIT out of it.

Therefore, MILK AND HONEY CAKERY.

av11They make Anti-Valentine’s Day cookies and deliver them before Valentine’s Day.

I just ordered a dozen as a gift from me to my spawn.

I just love the sentiments on the cookies:

  • U STINK
  • NEXT
  • GAG
  • NOPE

They’re absolutely perfect for giving to my way-too-cool-for-you teenage sons who actually groan at the idea of me giving them a Valentine’s Day gift (that isn’t cash).

Last year though, they stuffed their pockets with the cookies and gave them to their friends.

Because apparently it’s cool to insult your buddies.

And just for clarification, I did not receive any discount for writing this blog and will not receive a kickback if you buy any cookies.

I just happen to think MILK AND HONEY CAKERY is awesome and I have to share.

More Anti-Valentine’s Day ideas

I can’t tell you how HAPPY it makes me to embrace my bitterness and frustration and write these posts.

It’s cathartic!

I want to send all my single friends nasty little “VD sux” cards.

I want to wear a TOXIC LOVE sweatshirt to work with bitter little earrings and just wallow in anger and self-pity.

For once, I don’t want to be optimistic and positive and try to see my situation as temporary and enjoyable.

I just want to be mad.

Because on Valentine’s Day, being single SUCKS.

No one loves me.

Boo hoo!

av1The Boyfriend Pillow

 

av2Black Lollipops
av3Single AF Tank

 

av4Wine is my Valentine Glasses
av5Anti-VD Necklace

 

av6Anti-VD Earrings
av7Love is in the Air T-shirt

 

av8Happy Singles Awareness Day Card
av9Twat heart av10Cupcake Toppers

 

Save

Shitballs and crusty nuts!

I just realized that the next big holiday coming round the corner ready to brain me with hearts, red/pink flowers, chocolate, and saccharine sentiment is VALENTINE’S DAY.

Oh how I HATE Valentine’s Day!

A whole frigging day devoted to love and reminding me that I am single.

As if I need a reminder.

My whole existence is ONE BIG REMINDER that no one wants me.

Okay, that’s a lie.

Lots of people want me and love me, but no one who regularly climbs into bed with me and does the nasty with me.

When it comes to romantic love, I’m fresh out.

And that’s why I don’t need an entire day to remind me of that.

I have ALL THIS LOVE TO GIVE and NO PLACE TO PUT IT.

Sigh.

So, as typical for me, I intend to post my Anti-Valentine’s Day gifts – courtesy of etsy.com – so that you too can be bitter and angry like me.

Yet entertained.

So here it goes, Round #1 of Anti-Valentine’s Day sentiments:

av1Anti-Valentine’s Day Mug

 

av2Anti-Valentine’s Day Card
av3Broken Robot Heart Plushie

 

av4Vodka is my Valentine Tank
av5Black Hearted Soap

 

av6Anti-Valentine’s Day Necklace
av7Toxic Love Sweatshirt

 

av8Suck it Cupid Banner
av9Lighter Cases av10Anti-Valentine’s Day Fascinator

 

Save

I call BS

MichelleIs it a scam?

So I got a new message online.

A rather handsome, tallish gentleman by the name of Loverman sent me a message thanking me for my wink and suggesting we communicate via his Ts2.

Apparently he’s in uniform and currently stationed in Iraq.

Ok, ok.

I know I said no more UNAVAILBLE men, but I kinda like the idea of having a penpal.

Of course uniformed men do kinda freak me out a little.

I was married to a cop after all and that went sour pretty fast and ended with him packing his guns out of the house while I hid at my parent’s house.

Loverman stated that he is on “SM in Iraq” which I think means “Special Mission” in Iraq and not “sado machochism.”

And I can’t help but feel like this is all a GIGANTIC lie meant to lure in unsuspecting women who have a thing for men in uniform who like to disappear and not have to answer for their “disappearances.”

He probably has two wives, 6 kids, and a handful of “penpal” girlfriends.

He calls himself Loverman, after all.

I could be jaded.

But then again, I could be absolutely brilliant.

Looks like a scam. Smells like a scam.

Probably IS a scam.

Pass!

Save

Save

Big news!

michelle and tejasBig news!

One of my single friends is now “coupled up.”

I used the term “coupled up” loosely because they are just starting out and no official labels have been used (like girlfriend or boyfriend).

In fact, they call their relationship a “non-relationship.”

Well, I call BULLSHIT but whatever makes them happy I can agree with.

In any case, I met the significant other last night and I have to say SHE IS MAGICAL.

In my mind I had an idea of what was perfect for my friend and she’s all that and a bag of chips.

Magical, I tell you.

Part of me is disappointed to be left behind.

My friend was my “non-date date” for the longest time at parties and get-togethers.

He was my companion when I was lonely and sitting at home with no dates on the horizon.

But seeing how happy he is, it is IMPOSSIBLE to not be THRILLED for him, even if that THRILL is a little bittersweet.

Congrats you two lovebirds.

So happy you are enjoying each other!

Three strikes, you’re out!

michelleI was really into this one guy when I was younger.

He was a drummer.

Just one of several drummers I dated.

I guess I have a thing for lumberjacks AND drummers.

The thing about him was that he was just absolutely THE DEFINITION OF SEXY.

Dark hair, dark eyes, nice biceps honed from years of going apeshit on his tubs.

He was also EVER SO SLIGHTLY younger than me.

I was so excited when he asked me out.

I remember he got lost on the way to my house to pick me up.

He drove an old truck.

Bonus!

Be still my heart.

In any case, he picked me up and we went out and for the life I me I don’t recall where we went or what we did.

All I know is that when it came time to say goodnight, he was dropping my off at my house and I leaned in the car window to give him a kiss and when the kiss was over, he said (I KID YOU NOT), “Good night Lisa. I mean Melissa. I mean Michelle.”

Now, at the time I was CRUSHED by this turn of events.

But as time has passed, I have realized that it wasn’t all that bad.

I’m such a good kisser I clearly kissed all the sense from his head and he couldn’t remember my name.

Yeah, that’s what happened!

Save

Stinkers!

michelle1Top 10 Worst Dates EVER

  1. The racist guy who told me that the Mexicans were ruining California.
  2. The guy who moved his glass out of the way so he could “see my tits better.”
  3. The guy who spoke so quietly I thought I was losing my hearing.
  4. The guy who asked me my bra size then tried to guess when I wouldn’t talk.
  5. The guy who took me up winding Highway 9 in a sports car and made me puke.
  6. The guy who talked bad about his ex wife the whole time.
  7. The guy who never asked me one question about myself, just talked endlessly about himself.
  8. The guy who sweat so profusely he soaked his napkin with all his sweat.
  9. The guy who burped incessantly.
  10. The guy with the REALLY BAD GAS who trapped me in his car with his farts driving down from Mount Hamilton.

Honestly, all a date has to do to be bad right now is for there to be no connection, or the date feels like a mediocre job interview. But these 10 men took the prize as far as bad dates go and they really won the prize for being real STINKERS.

Literally.

Perfect 10

fisherI had a little too much to drink and “accidentally” signed up for a 3-month Zoosk membership.

I couldn’t help myself.

The men online looked SO DELICIOUS.

Needless to say, my foray into Zoosk has not turned out that great.

First, they double charged me.

Then the app wouldn’t work.

And when I finally managed to get everything working, I got pinged by two guys asking for MORE PHOTOS.

Sigh.

I bet men would ask for a bikini photo if they thought they could get away with it.

It’s so disheartening to be reduced to your appearance.

I say this because lately, I feel like my 43 year old appearance is sliding from slightly seasoned to old.

And so much of who I am is wrapped up in what I look like.

It’s hard to age as a woman.

I feel like I have to develop a new identity – one that isn’t focused on what I look like.

That also means that my self-esteem has got to find a new anchor – my intelligence, my humor, my kindness, my adventurousness?

The irony is, everyone’s beauty fades – except for George Clooney and Michelle Pfeiffer.

So these guys who are out hunting for the Perfect 10 will one day be disappointed in their choice.

To quote the late, great Carrie Fisher (may she rest in peace):

“Youth and beauty are not accomplishments. They are the temporary, happy byproducts of time and/or DNA. Don’t hold your breath for either.”

Save

Save