Tahoe Trip: The Bar Chronicles

I took a little mini break to Reno/Tahoe this past weekend to see Sting and Peter Gabriel in concert in Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Getting there was a HUGE hassle.

My Thursday evening flight was cancelled.

And I did all my nervous flyer prep – 2 Ativan, 1 Makers on the rocks, 2 beers, and a downloaded movie (Avatar) to distract myself.

So when the young lady at the counter suggested I use a credit from Alaska Air to DRIVE to Reno, I was in no condition to drive.

Fast forward to Friday morning.

I’m finally on a plane heading to Reno/Tahoe airport.

There was a whirlwind of activity when I arrived:

  • Breakfast with my sister
  • Packing for the overnight in Tahoe
  • Buying food in case we get the munchies after the concert
  • The short drive to Tahoe, which I scored the music for
  • And finally, checking in to our hotel – Harvey’s

And so it was, at 1 pm, that we commenced with the drinking.

I think I had, over the course of 6 hours, 5 gin and tonics (they were small), one mojito, and one VERY POORLY MADE SAZERAC.

sazeracNEVER ORDER A COCKTAIL IF THE BARTENDER ASKS YOU HOW TO MAKE IT!

I got rye whiskey on the rocks with a splash of simple syrup and a dash of Angostura bitters.

Garnished with a lemon wedge.

No absinthe wash, no Peychaud’s bitters, and IT WAS SERVED ON ICE.

Ok, enough with the rant.

My sister and I drank so much that we opted to just drink water at the concert.

This, I think, saved us both from hangovers the next day.

And, unlike our Elton John debacle, we actually remember the WHOLE CONCERT!

Vomit in a can

When you’re partying with your friend Kimberly, you may just decide to pick up two jumbo cans of booze at the 7-Eleven and decide to take them back to your hotel room for a little “post-party” involving booze and kettle corn.

And you might crack open those cans of booze (which might just happen to be Mike’s Harder Cranberry Lemonade) and TAKE A HUGE SWIG. . .

. . .and declare it to taste like a can of vomit.

Yes indeed, Mike’s Harder Cranberry Lemonade COULD taste a lot like ice cold vomit in a can.

You could be quite certain that if you drank that sour, puckering swill you would ACTUALLY VOMIT FROM IT.

But just to be sure, you might take a sip of it, just to see if it’s really as bad as you think.

And yes.

No doubt about it, time to delay the “post party” plans and pour the stuff down the sink.

At least you still have popcorn!

Drama! Oy!

I went to Summer Country music festival in the Sonoma County Fairgrounds this past weekend. And I must say, for not being a country music fan, I had a GREAT TIME.

My friend Kimberly WON the tickets on the radio ALONG WITH TWO NIGHTS STAY IN THE KITSCHY FLAMINGO HOTEL.

We had a blast.

You know how when you go to concerts there’s always some crazy guy or girl dancing like a maniac?

Well, I’m usually the person sitting RIGHT BEHIND that person.

So my entire view of the concert is distracted by the WILD GYRATIONS of the crazy dancer.

Not kidding.

This concert, I had a different experience.

I sat behind the couple breaking up.

And oh how I longed for the crazy dancer.

He was stoic. She was crying. They were arguing with each other in very loud voices so they could be heard over the music.

It was SO PAINFUL to watch.

Apparently, his ex girlfriend has been spending the night and he’s been cheating on her.

But he wants to marry her not the ex girlfriend.

It was all very dramatic.

I could’ve totally done WITHOUT IT!

It spoiled the music to have them yelling at each other right in front of me.

I thought of Burning Man, where nothing dramatic ever happens (cough) and I wanted to say to this couple, “My camp at Burning Man is a NO DRAMA camp and YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO CAMP WITH US!”

But that would of course go against the spirit of radical inclusion, so I said nothing.

Finally, they got up and left – with him trying to hold her hand and her yanking her hand out of his reach.

Drama!

Oy!

Save

Booty-Hanging-Out Shorts

This past weekend, my friend Kimberly and I went to the Sonoma County Fairgrounds to experience the weekend-long music festival Country Summer.

It was FUCKING hot.

I nearly melted into a puddle of sweat and self-tanner, it was that fucking hot.

John Michael Montgomery, who wears all black – black jeans, black longsleeve shirt, black cowboy hat, had to leave the stage and douse himself with water HE WAS THAT FUCKING HOT.

Needless to say, most of us festival goers dressed more appropriately, but I would like to bring up the titillating trend that I noticed at the festival – the tendency of women to wear cutoff jeans shorts with THEIR BOOTIES HANGING OUT!

You think I jest, here’s proof. . .

Yes indeed, a snapped a surreptitious photo of one of the more dramatic women I saw there.

I couldn’t help myself.

It was just there, like a mound of jello, waiting to jiggle.

And I kid you not, she was not the only one.

There were numerous women I encountered during the day whose booties were hanging out for all to see.

It’s takes a brave woman to let the whole world be your gynecologist!

Nevertheless, I’m a firm believer in “Flaunt it if you’ve got it.” So I heartily support this fashion trend.

It could be a lot worse after all.

They could be wearing these. . .

Things that SEEM sexy but aren’t IRL

  1. Wings – inspired by Drew Barrymore’s character in Ever After, I wore wings and a ballgown to a wedding imagining I’d look like a beautiful angel. Reality set in when I was unable to move for fear of wacking people with those “beautiful” wings. Not my most brilliant idea.
  2. Latex knickers – I tried these out once. Getting them on and off is a chore. Worse yet, you get dressed and undressed to a chorus of latex farts. Imagine rubbing two balloons together. Definitely NOT sexy.
  3. Glitter – oh glitter, how I love to hate you. You definitely make me think I look beautiful when I wear you but you hang around for fucking forever! No wonder you’re called PLAYA HERPES!
  4. Pasties – looks sexy, huh? Not so much when you have to take them off and the top three layers of your skin is removed with them. So. Not. Sexy.
  5. Man buns – all well and good until you realize your man has a more EXTENSIVE hair care regime than you. Hard pass!
  6. No undies – there’s a reason we’re supposed to wear underwear. There’s moisture that accumulates that needs to be ABSORBED. Without underwear it’s like a hot sauna in Thailand between your legs and smells similar.
  7. Shower sex – trust me, I just tried this and my memories of it were nicer than the reality. Not gonna lie here, it was AWKWARD AF!
  8. Lip gloss – oh you make my lips look so sexy but the moment I kiss someone and it transfers to them I realize what a sticky mess lip gloss truly is.
  9. Sex on the beach – not the drink, actual SEX on the BEACH. One word for you. Sand. Enough said.
  10. Chocolate body paint – pretty much anything edible you put on your body to entice your lover to dine there is gonna make a sticky mess. I did this once to my ex-husband and REGRETTED IT INSTANTLY WHEN HE WAS LATE SHOWING UP FROM WORK AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE DRIPPED INTO MY ARMPITS. It’s the things you never think about. . .

Stupid things I’ve done

Me in 2007 in Scotland (yes, with a blow up sheep). Natural tan.

God, I could write A BOOK SERIES about all the stupid things I’ve done.

Marrying a man for his looks instead of his brains was not the BRIGHTEST thing I’ve ever done (but I can’t regret the relationship that gave me my boys).

Also, my ENTIRE relationship with The Professor I could SKIP ENTIRELY. What a disaster!

And there was that time I lit the floor on fire in eighth grade. . .

But I digress. . .

One of THE STUPIDEST things I’ve ever done is lay in tanning beds to get tan for my trip to Scotland in 2007.

Oh vey!

I LITERALLY laid in tanning beds EVERY DAY for close to 4 months in order to appear bronzed and tan – just like a California girl.

Why I did this, I will never know.

I was going to Scotland, not the Bahamas, and no part of my body was really going to get exposed for the viewing pleasure of ANYONE under all the long sleeve shirts, jumpers, and jackets I needed to wear to stay warm in the frigid Scottish climate.

But I did it anyway.

And I had a lovely, dewy bronze tan for about 6 months.

Would I do it again?

Absolutely not!

It aged me. Damaged my skin, especially on my face.

And now I have to monitor my moles for potential skin cancer.

Remember, I USED to tan by laying out in the sun slathered in baby oil?

This was FAR MORE DAMAGING.

So take it from me and STAY AWAY FROM TANNING BEDS.

Do your skin a favor. . .

Self-tan!

 

Save

SoulFire 2016: The Shirtcocking Chronicles

Do you know what shirtcocking is?

It’s when a man walks around naked wearing nothing but a shirt (often an unbuttoned short sleeve shirt) with his peen hanging out underneath.

Shirt + cock = shirtcocking

Shirtcocking is tolerated with amusement at Burning Man and regionals.

It is thought that shirtcocking originates when a man wants to walk around naked (a perfectly acceptable past time at a naturist retreat) but he’s worried about burning his chest, back, and shoulders, so he puts on a shirt.

There was A LOT of shirtcocking at Lupin this past weekend.

Maybe because of the 95 degree heat.

The only thing to do was get naked and jump in the pool to cool off.

I went to the pool and saw a lot of peen this past weekend.

It seems like there’s always at least twice as many men as women at the pool.

But hanging out at the pool was great.

I love seeing body diversity – tall, round, short, squat, slim, and everything in between.

Of course as my friend The Blonde Goddess put it, “There’s nothing like being at a nude resort to make you feel fat.”

I had my issues, but I fought them and in the end had a wonderful time.

I’ve drunk my fill of naked men and women.

And those shirtcockers?

Well, I just let them shirtcock.

And giggled on the inside.

Here’s my picture of all the cocks that were shirtcocking:

bratwurst

SoulFire 2016: The Heatstroke Chronicles

white witch michelleMaybe it was just me.

Maybe everyone else did just fine.

But I managed to get myself good and overheated as well as dehydrated at SoulFire TWO DAYS IN A ROW!

Tejas and I arrived on Friday at 10 am and set up camp in the heat. Once camp was set up we drank rum and cokes until I started to worry that I wasn’t getting enough liquid so I drank 3 diet cokes.

Just a word of advice: Diet Coke DOES NOT PREVENT DEHYDRATION.

No it does not.

Because at about 9 pm after battling a dehydration headache for about two hours, I gave up and went to bed with 3 Tylenol RIGHT WHEN THINGS WERE GETTING GOOD!

I laid there, freezing cold, wanting a bed partner to snuggle with while I recovered.

But no, there were no bed partners to be found.

I laid in bed until about 1 am, then got up to party only to find that the party was winding down.

So back to bed.

Try again another day.

Cue Saturday.

I’m drinking TONS of coconut water to keep me hydrated and yet with the 95 degree heat I still manage to overheat.

Dante took me to the Restaurant to sit in air conditioning and cool down.

I was dizzy walking up the hill to the Restaurant (even though I was wearing nothing but pink ruffled panties and a crochet bikini fringe top).

There was an art exhibit going on in the Restaurant and I found that if I positioned myself just right I could stare at a picture of a dolphin while the vent blew cold air up my butt.

It was amazing!

So, lessons learned:

Diet Coke is not the same as water

Coconut juice will not prevent overheating

Do what you need to take care of yourself

However, if you fuck up (like me) then friends are so helpful when you’re not feeling well.

Love to Tejas for giving me Tylenol and love to Dante for cooling me down.

michelle and tejas

Do me proud

It seems like only yesterday my oldest son was sleeping peacefully in his crib, wearing footie pajamas.

But clearly more time has passed because last week, THIS happened. . .

That’s right, my oldest son Duncan graduated high school as part of the Class of 2017.

It was a real eye opener for me.

The time has clearly flown by. I thought I had forever to raise this little baby into a man and now I blink and he’s turned into someone I’m proud to call my son.

Hard to believe.

It makes me want to go up to parents of young children and tell them, “Cherish this time. It goes by SO FAST.”

Unlike some parents, I do not feel the slightest bit of reluctance to see my baby fly the nest.

Instead, I feel like flinging my arms open wide and urging him to “Go! Spread your wings!”

In other words, “PAY YOUR BILLS!”

Yes folks, I kinda feel happy to pass all those bills from me to him – the telephone, the car insurance, the lunch money, etc.

Maybe I’d feel differently if I had a daughter.

Maybe I’d feel more protective.

I literally handed my son $500 and two boxes of condoms and said, “Adios love bug! Do me proud.”

Princess

I picked up Wendy’s ashes from the vet and she now lives in my room, on a bookshelf.

It was a sad and sobering moment placing her on the shelf, wishing she was still alive and thriving.

I miss her terribly.

I’m down to one pet now – a cat named Princess.

She’s a GORGEOUS Burmese cat with light blue eyes and the SWEETEST demeanor.

I found her in a barn behind the spa I worked at over a decade ago. She was raiding the nearby dumpster for food and had 5 little kittens with her.

I found homes for the kittens but kept her on account of WHAT A BEAUTIFUL CAT SHE IS.

I didn’t care that she was virtually feral.

I loved her from the moment I saw her.

And she has turned into a very UNFERAL lap kitty.

So you can imagine my dismay when I took her to the vet and found out she had fleas, a gum infection AND pancreatitis.

Between my sons and I, she is getting her medications round the clock to take care of all her illnesses.

In an effort to fatten her up, I went nuts on amazon and bought her eight different flavors of cat treats and a little stuffed turtle filled with catnip.

Because I ALWAYS go overboard.

Luckily, Princess seems to like ALL HER TREATS so I’m hoping she fattens up soon and puts a little weight on her sleight frame.

Lord knows, I’m in no shape to lose another pet.