Celebrities who should fall in love with me

My cousin, aunt, and niece went to Walker Stalker and got to meet several of the characters from The Walking Dead.

Now, the first thing you need to know is that I stopped watching The Walking Dead after the second season so I HAVE NO IDEA WHO ANY OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS ARE.

But I know that there’s one character I love – Negan, played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

I LOVE Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

He’s right up there on my list of celebrities who should fall in love with me.

Right after Mike Rowe.

And right before Charlie Hunnam and Travis Flimmel, who I incidentally think are twins separated at birth, they look so much alike.

I know JDM from his role in P.S. I Love You, where he played Irish musician and rescuer William. I also know him as John Winchester in Supernatural.

I recommend seeing him in P.S. I Love You because he shows off his naked rear end in it and OH MY! Is it a sight to see – all long legs and slender ass!

He can wander my halls in nothing but a towel ANYTIME.

So back to my cousin, aunt and niece.

I’m INSANELY happy that they got to meet JDM and hope they managed to give him a kiss from me.

They did snap this photo which, I must tell you, made me grin from ear to ear the moment I saw it.

It just makes me insanely happy!

It’s hard to date a blogger

It’s hard to date a blogger.

ESPECIALLY one as transparent as I am.

EVERYTHING goes on the internet:

You will usually find me blogging about whatever is on my mind from the men who capture my fancy, like The Swede; to past lovers who I remember fondly, like Jay and Charlie The Aussie; to men I fantasize about but can never have, like Alexander Skarsgård and Joe Manganiello.

IMG_9379I’d like to think I’m more of a lover than a hater. Unfortunately, the hate tends to be funnier than the love, like when The Hunk had an epic skill/equipment failure in bed with me.

IMG_9378I’ve been advised that the reason I’m single is because of this blog.

That might be true but I can’t help but feel like deep down, my blog will actually draw in the right man for me.

Imagine how nice it’d be to have all your experiences and secrets in one place where a person can read about them.

My thoughts. My hopes. My frustrations.

If a man can get through my blog posts AND STILL be interested in me, then he passed the test.

And the thing is, PLENTY of men like this blog and read it.

So there’s hope.

There’s a reason this blog is called unblunder…

Because everything seems wrong at first until it suddenly turns beautifully, epically RIGHT!

Creep

creepOkay, the first thing I’m going to admit is that I can’t hear the word ‘creep’ without having Radiohead’s lyrics to “Creep” ring through my head:

“But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

What the hell am I doing here?

I don’t belong here.”

The truth is I know a lot of creeps.

And I’m okay with that.

I used to get the willies from creeps but that was only until I met creepier creeps.

SUCH AS:

A 50+ year old man who admitted to me that he finds teen girls sexy.

Super creepy!

I can’t even LOOK at 20 something year old young men without thinking about my own sons. So. Not. Sexy.

OR:

Another man who told me he steals ladies panties from the laundromat.

Uber creepy!

So I’m not talking about super creeps and uber creeps – the ones you want to take out restraining orders against.

I’m talking about your garden variety, run-of-the-mill creep.

  • The guy who gives off that funny vibe that makes you feel like you’re standing naked in front of him.
  • The guy who has “horny” written all over his face and you can just tell he’s imagining doing naughty things with you.
  • The guy who you know would get down with you in a millisecond, regardless of where you are and who you are with.

Dare I say it?

I find those guys kinda charming.

Some of my closest friends would probably classify themselves as creeps, in one way or another.

I find something transparent in creeps – as if their deepest desires are barely veiled from the world, ready to be let loose at a moment’s notice.

And it occurs to me that perhaps my fondness for creeps is because I TOO AM A CREEP.

  • Awkward.
  • Giving off a weird vibe.
  • Sexual frustration just brewing beneath the surface.

Yes friends, I’m a creep.

I’m a weirdo.

But don’t you find me the teensiest tiniest bit charming?

You do now, don’t you?

The one where she buys SUPER SLUTTY SHOES

I took my second Lap Dance class this Thursday with my imaginary boyfriend.

Once again, it was me in a room with several scantily clad ladies.  The instructor wore a g-string.  Sometimes I just sit in class and let myself be amazed by the beauty of the women around me.

We practiced our routine.  By now we had the beginning part down.

  • Lay your “boyfriend” on the bed.  Prop up his head so he can watch you.
  • Start out by doing a little routine against the wall.  Don’t forget to open your legs. 😉
  • Go to the bed and play with your “boyfriend.”
  • Don’t forget to SMEAR your body against his.  SMEAR. SMEAR. SMEAR. I love that word.
  • Rotate your body to give him a side view.
  • More smearing. Do it slowly.
  • Rotate your body to give him the back view.  Nice.

And that’s where we stopped.  And somewhere in this whole routine, I realized that my shoes were not nearly as sexy as everyone else’s.  I realized that in order to be an effective lap dancer (or at least to look the part), I needed to get a new pair of shoes.  So I went online and bought these puppies.

And I can’t really describe how happy these ridiculous shoes make me feel.  But I do know that there’s something about their absolute frivolity that appeals to me and resonates with my inner diva.

Dating Pet Peeves

1

Bad tipping.  Maybe it’s because I worked in foodservice in high school and as a barista in college, but bad tippers are my pet peeve.  I once went on a date to a fancy cocktail lounge where the bartender takes 3 – 4 minutes to mix and muddle the perfect $14 cocktail.  On a $30 bill, my date left a measly $2 tip.  I hastily dropped a few more bills on the tab when my date wasn’t looking.

2

Being late.  I waited in a wine bar for my date to show up for almost an hour once.  I ordered my first glass of wine and the waitstaff felt so bad for me they gave me a HUGE pour.  When my date arrived, he received a SMALL pour.  Ha ha.  Divine justice, if you ask me.  There was no second date.

3

Bad kissers.  You’d think by the time we reach 20 we’d know how to kiss but no, there are people out there that still suck face like amateurs.  I have little patience for someone who is a bad kisser.  If you can’t figure out it’s a game of mutuality instead of tonsil hockey, I’m done with you.

4

Bad breath.  Oh god, you know what I mean.  I once went on a date where I could smell his breath from across the table.  I always carry a discreet packet of mints with me and I wanted to discreetly suggest that he eat them all.

5

Being negative.  You know who I’m talking about.  That person who will list of 10 things that are wrong before they list one thing that’s right.  Mr. or Mrs. Downer.  It’s exhausting and draining to be around them.  Next!

7

Being self-absorbed.  I went on one date with a fireman.  He was so into himself his head fairly floated above his body.  If at the end of the date he could’ve told me anything about me (like my name), I would’ve been shocked.

8

The alcoholic.  This is the person who sits down across from you and then drinks nonstop throughout the meal, barely pausing to eat and breathe.  Or they talk incessantly about all the parties they throw/go to and how obliterated they’ve gotten.  Yawn.  We’re not 21 anymore.

9

Being rude.  There’s nothing worse than going to a restaurant with a date and watching them be rude to the waitstaff.  This drives me completely batty.  Again, I worked in foodservice so I know how hard it can be.  I do not trust a man who is nice to me and rude to other people.

10

The cell phone addict.  I once went on a date with an attorney that was so horrifically bad – involving two standard poodles and a 6 year old.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, he kept answering his phone.  We barely said 10 words to eachother.  I’m still traumatized from that date.

The Swede, kissing and UnSCruz

OMG, she’s not going to blog about The Swede again, is she?

Yes.

She.

Is.

Because he’s handsome, funny, and shy and that all adds up to make him pretty fricking irresistible to me.

He’s CHARMING.

Lord knows I don’t meet enough charming men.

Ones who want to cum in my ass and on my face (two things which do NOTHING for me), but the charming ones are few and far between.

The Swede also kisses like a board certified expert.

Trust me.

I’ve kissed a lot of men.

The Swede is EASILY in the Top 5 best kissers of ALL TIME.

The best kisses suck you into them so all you can think about is their mouth on your mouth.

They curl your toes and maybe, JUST MAYBE, get you a little juicy.

That’s what it’s like to kiss The Swede.

I swear I want to just melt into his body and feel every inch of him against me.

I may get my chance at UnSCruz seeing as how we are sharing a tent together.

I warned him the other day, “There will be ropes. We’re staying in a BDSM camp.”

He replied, “I’ve never done that but it could be fun.”

This is exactly the attitude you need to have going into a Burning Man event: open minded, ready to have fun, curious.

“There may be nudity,” I warned him.

Yours or mine?

I think The Swede will have a great time.

I told him my wish for him, “I hope you have a mind blowing good time.”

And I do.

I really do.

So I met Joe

Joe is handsome and funny.

Not exactly the tallest guy I’ve ever met, but still can hold his own in a showdown with me in 4” heels.

Joe is a diver and it excites him that I am a Rescue Diver.

Of course, he doesn’t know I haven’t dove in years because of that panic attack I had underwater caused by blood pressure changes in a too tight wetsuit hood.

Joe called me up and we chatted for a little while.

He is keen to go out and I was kind of excited too.

He’s got daughters after all and Lord knows I want to wind up with a man with daughters.

All on account of I have none of my own.

In so many ways, Joe seemed PERFECT for me.

Daughters. Adventurous spirit. World traveler. Funny.

So I showed his profile to Barbara, just to see if he could get the BARBARA STAMP OF APPROVAL.

Barbara is probably the toughest of all my friends to approve the men I date.

She’s not called The Hammer for nothing.

LOL

And that’s when it happened.

I glanced at his profile and saw “Separated” as his marital status.

As in STILL FUCKING MARRIED!

Jesus F. Christ!

Nevermind.

The Swede

The Swede has been texting me and it’s been more fun than a tornado in a trailer park.

He went out drinking with a friend and I got fantastic text messages from him as he drank beer.

He asked me if I was interested in visiting Sweden.

Technically, 60% of my DNA is from Scandinavia, and it would love to visit the homeland.

There’s the Vasa Museum, all the canals to navigate, and the ABBA Museum.

You know I can’t miss the ABBA Museum!

Sadly, I have no plans to visit Sweden in the near future, but it’s definitely on my list of places to go.

And it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump to Finland where I can sleep in a glass igloo under the aurora borealis.

Sigh.

It’s hard to not imagine snuggling under the glass dome with The Swede.

And, of course, there’s the saunas in Finland.

Nothing like a nice hot naked sweat followed by a giant leap into the freezing outdoors.

Hey, it’s GOOD for you!

Perhaps I will talk my sister into a trip to Sweden next year.

Our last big trip was Scotland in 2008.

I have to admit, it would be nice to see The Swede in his territory.

Nice to see The Swede fullstop.

Reliving the good and the bad

Just the other day I was chatting with Yvonne over dinner and the topic of Lupin Lodge came up in comparison to Harbin Hot Springs.  In my experience, Harbin is a bit more comfortable a space to walk around naked in than Lupin Lodge on account of the guys chasing tail at Lupin.

I had to go back and read Yvonne some of my posts from my first trip to SoulFire (which are now private on account of them mentioning He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Mentioned.

So I’m posting some of what I wrote below:

 

What could I possibly write to capture the bright lights, holographic, mystical fun that was SoulFire?

It was, in all honesty, the best party I’ve ever been to with 350 of my closest and dearest friends.  You instantly felt at home.

It was also an ego fest for me.

Two younger men, Father Figure and Mr. Security, were chasing my tail. Father Figure did it much better than Mr. Security, who felt compelled to adjust my top without my permission whenever he felt like it.

I was camping with Tejas in his RV.

motorbeastIt was hard, hot work setting up camp, which is great when you’re having sex but sucks when you’re organizing an RV.

We set up on Friday afternoon and got down to the business of having fun with other guests.

I wore my Orgasm Donor t-shirt.

orgasm donorWe went to our local pub – the Dusty Bumm. The Dusty Bumm has a ceiling canopy made entirely of women’s thongs. I have a black vinyl one I want to donate to the cause.

At the Dusty Bumm, they’d make you whatever drink they could for you and then you’d stand around and enjoy it with new friends.

Everyone was friendly at SoulFire. Everyone hugged hello and goodbye.

Everyone kissed.

It was heaven.

Tejas and I ventured to the pool and hot tub and had some fun soaking while he talked to people about OMing.

I left (naked) with Mr. Security, who showed me his hut in the mountains and shared a “cigarette” with me.

The rest of the evening is mostly a blur of walking around naked, finding my clothes, going back to my RV. Trying to find Tejas. Mr. Security cooking dinner for me because I was too drunk to do it myself.

After eating dinner, Mr. Security and I decided to wander around. We made our way to the Dusty Bumm. I was wearing nothing but a tank top and red underwear at this point. Someone came up to me and told me I needed to help Tejas, that he was really drunk.

I found Tejas sitting on a bench across from the Dusty Bumm, happy as a clam and ready to go to bed.

With the help of a Ranger, we managed to walk him to the RV where I got him ready for bed, before he crashed.

It’s wasn’t a super late night, but it wasn’t an early one either.

So to recap:

  • Michelle was so drunk a guy had to cook her dinner
  • Tejas got so drunk he had to go to bed early
  • Michelle lost her clothes, then found them hours later
  • Michelle walked around naked for a while
  • Tejas had a great time having women sit on his lap at the Dusty Bumm

A GREAT time was had by all and my only regret is that I can’t remember more of the evening. But hopefully that’ll return to me in time. Until then, party on, right!

 

UPDATE:  I NEVER recovered any more memories of that night.  WHAT was in that cigarette?

Accessorize, accessorize, accessorize

My Labyrinth themed ballgown (aka quinceañera dress) is coming along nicely.

At least I hope it is since I ordered it online.

Meanwhile, I’ve been throwing around ideas on how to properly accessorize the dress (and wings).

This is the outfit:

I’ve been thinking that one of the following necklace, choker, or collar might look good with the dress:

Here’s a lovely necklace with matching earrings which goes well with the silver wings:

Then there’s this edgy purple collar, complete with D-ring.  Perfect for making a Labyrinth fairytale dress into something more edgy for Burning Man:

And finally, a lovely little glitter choker which matches the dress:

Of course, I also have these lovely earrings to go with the collar and choker which match the beading on the dress:

So my question to you is WHICH ONE SHOULD I WEAR?

Here’s a little inspiration for your visual pleasure which gives you an idea of the look I’m going for:

The good news is that I’ll have lots of friends to ask at UnSCruz which necklace to wear – from my BFF Tejas, to my friend Bad Boy, to my partner in crime Marina!  One way or another, I’ll figure it out.

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