Have no fear, the Swede is here

Genius that I am, I bought The Swede a bucket full of hot sauces, none of which are probably edible on a human level.

It was a respectable gift for a friend to give another friend.

EXCEPT that the shipping (FedEx) cost an outrageous $215.

Next time I should just write him a check for $300 and be done with it.

I totally would have skipped out on sending the present except that I PROMISED I was sending something so I HAD TO.

Tejas laughed at me and said I picked the most expensive service for transportation.

Huh.

Who knew (obviously not me), though I did point out that I went to USPS and UPS first.

Tejas told me I need to learn to use Amazon Sweden.

It’s not Amazon Sweden, it’s Global Amazon.

I actually DID look it up.

The problem is that lovely bucket of inedible hot sauce wasn’t available for shipping to Sweden.

Hence, my problem.

So I’ve been playing around with Global Amazon (any tips you have are appreciated) and I found THIS:

When I nicknamed The Swede “The Swede’ I wasn’t being particularly clever or bright.

It was just the most obvious choice.

However, I LOVE the idea of The Swede wearing this shirt in California.

Especially since he’s my excuse to GET OFF THIS FUCKING ABSTINENCE KICK EARLY!

Have no fear, the Swede is HERE!

Star Wars Movie Whores

Who doesn’t LOVE Star Wars?!

The minute those first few notes of the Rebel theme play, I’m giddy with excitement and get whisked away to another galaxy.

I’m not sure there’s any other movie that does that for me.

So I’m incredibly happy to be going with a group of friends to watch Star Wars The Last Jedi.

Costumes are a MUST and so instead of wearing my usual – the white Princess Leia costume I have with the brown cinnamon bun hairstyle, I’m going as Chewbacca!

Yes, everyone’s favorite furry sidekick.

As it turns out, you can buy a Chewbacca onesie and I’m thinking it’s a pretty simple solution to what could be a complicated and expensive costume.

Initially, I wanted to go as Rey.

As cool as Rey is, there are a lot of layers to her costume. And I’m not sure I could pull it off properly.

Hence, Chewbacca.

Also?

The theater we are seeing the movie in has luxury reclining seats.

Something rather like a nice, soft, bed.

I figure showing up in my PJs will be PERFECT for the occasion.

They’ll never get me to leave!

You don’t mess with my shoes

I didn’t mind gaining a little weight.

My boobs got bigger. . .

My stomach got a little softer. . .

My curves for a little more curvier. . .

What’s not to love about a little weight gain?

Well, diabetes for one.

High cholesterol for another.

And thirdly there’s join pain.

None of those things are fun and all of them can lead to long term health implications.

Things I don’t want to deal with for sure.

Sure, I am still fun in the sack (at least I used to be before I started this damn sex diet), but I have to say I’m not thrilled with the side effects of weight gain.

Of course, I wasn’t thrilled with being labeled pre-diabetic.

And I wasn’t happy to have elevated cholesterol.

And finding out that I had high blood pressure wasn’t fun either.

But I wasn’t convinced I needed to go on a fucking diet until my shoes stopped fitting me.

Yes.

You can fuck with my cholesterol. You can fuck with my dress size. But the minute you fuck with my shoe collection YOU ARE OUT!

Costume SEASON!

I do declare that costume season has begun!

And look how excited I am about it. . .

First, I get to dress up in my Thanksgiving Pilgrim costume and crawl through the streets of Mountain View imbibing questionable amounts of alcoholic beverages.

Then I get to wear my Santa Con Santa outfit for the South Bay Santa Con!

Ditto with the street crawling and questionable amounts of alcoholic beverages.

Finally, there’s STAR WARS!

Yes folks, I’m going to see Star Wars IN COSTUME.

Princess Leia, to be exact.

Last time I wore the outfit I got stopped and people asked to take pictures with me.

It was quite fun!

And of course, Bay Boy’s birthday party is coming up and that’s always a good opportunity to get creative and wear something outrageous.

Can’t wait for the festivities to begin!

Bummed out

Some sad news here.

First of all, I’ve been diagnosed as pre-diabetic.

Also, my blood pressure is intermittently high.

So there’s that.

Of course, instead of changing the medication I’m on which causes weight gain and all it’s lovely side effects, my doctors have opted to put me on a DIET.

I hate that word.

They’ve enrolled me in the most successful program they have – an 82 week MEAL REPLACEMENT plan.

Oh, don’t worry!

It’s not like I have to survive on shakes for 82 weeks.

No.

It’s only 4 FUCKING MONTHS OF MEAL REPLACEMENTS.

Then I get to start eating real food again.

Oy vey!

How am I going to do this?

Well, I’ll tell you one thing – I’m not going to try to do it over the holidays.

No.

That’s like setting myself up for failure.

I start on January 8th – the day my abstinence comes to a close.

Wouldn’t you know it?

Go off one diet, start another!

The other sad news I have is that I’ve been passed over for a promotion in my department.

I’m rather bummed because I felt that the position was PERFECT for me and would provide me with new challenges and opportunities to excel in my work.

Sadly, that is not the case.

So needless to say with all this bad news, I’m a little sad.

Bummed out, so to speak.

If you’re inclined, send a kind thought my way.

I could sure use them!

Raclette!

My parents gave me a nice little check for my birthday.

I proceeded to buy a very fancy raclette grill from Amazon:

Tejas’ ex-girlfriend Yvonne once served me a raclette dinner and I WAS HOOKED!

So I got all the groceries I needed from Whole Foods, including about $40 of raclette cheese.

I bought about 10 different kinds of cured meats including pancetta, sopressata, and calabrese.

Yum!

I also bought a bunch of picked foods – everything from tasty little cornichons to spicy pickled green beans.

I even bought Bubbies sauerkraut, which was an unusual choice for raclette, but one which I thought my family would appreciate.

Since my dad is a vegetarian, there was no cooking raw meat on the grill.

We used it only to melt the cheese into a pile of gooey goodness.

We poured it over toasted bread, new potatoes, pickled food, grilled veggies, and cured meats.

We added sauces like lemon basil, honey mustard, and teriyaki.

And boy was it all yummy!

I even bought two bottles of Sauvignon Blanc for everyone to sip on.

The only disappointing part of the meal was that my youngest son missed it because he was at a friend’s house.

My eight year old nephew declared that it was THE BEST MEAL HE EVER HAD!

And, quite honestly, I had to agree with him.

But I literally fell asleep on my bed, in my street clothes, with the lights on thirty minutes after dinner.

Nothing like a full belly to rock oneself to sleep, eh?

Here’s a pic post-meal (I totally forgot to take one before we gorged ourselves).

A BIG THANK YOU TO YVONNE, who taught me everything I need to know about raclette and introduced me to it so I could introduce my family to it!

Mwah!

 

UPDATE:

We LOVED raclette so much, we had it a second night and I managed to snap a pic before we devoured it.  YUM!

Panty dropping

So there I am, minding my own business on Tinder. .

Yes, on Tinder.

I’m not having sex but I’m still dating.

In any case, I get a message from a guy called Larry.

Larry sends me a GIF.

It’s a GIF of a woman from the waist down.

She’s standing in high heels and wearing a short skirt.

All of a sudden, her panties drop to the floor and she steps out of them.

THIS IS HIS FIRST COMMUNICATION WITH ME.

O. M. G.

Why do I always get the sex perverts and fuckwits?

So I do the only thing I can think of.

I insult him.

I write back “Thanks for dropping your panties for me. While I don’t usually go for men who wear ladies underwear, I’m willing to give it a shot. Would you like to wear my red panties or my black panties?”

It was the most obnoxious thing I could think of saying in response to such a stupid opening “line.”

His response?

Classic.

He closed the connection.

Yes!

I’m finally doing something right!

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Halfway Mark

Just so you know, declaring a hiatus from sexual activity on your blog suddenly opens yourself up to all sorts of feedback on the subject.

A bunch of people laughed at the idea.

Until I told them I’d done it before. . .and succeeded.

Others jumped to my defense and claimed that there was nothing wrong with my level of sexual interest.

Others knew better and came out in support of a healthier lifestyle.

Regardless, it’s now become a topic of conversation between me, my friends, and my blog readers.

Can she do it?

Is someone going to come along to inspire her to break her vow?

What about The Swede?

What I have noticed is that there is a pool of males, mostly single, for whom I seem to exist solely to stroke their egos by sexting with them.

They are the ones who seem to be the most interested in seeing me break my vow.

They keep pulling me back into conversations I’m trying to resist having.

When you’re trying to walk the straight and narrow, it is counter productive to enter into a conversation about masturbation.

Or pornography.

But try as I might, sometimes I slip and carry on a full on conversation about topics I have no business talking about.

Then I suffer.

So yeah, it’s been 6 weeks. I’m halfway there.

And no, it’s not easy but I’m making it.

Don’t Hate

I know it’s crazy to say this so early in the season.

It’s not even Thanksgiving yet.

But I’ve managed to complete all my Christmas shopping ALREADY.

Can I tell you how satisfied it makes me feel to have all my shopping done?

REALLY SATISFIED.

Like in ways that make me happy ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MY BONES.

I’m insane like this.

The instant my birthday passes, I’m buying up gifts and presents for my loved ones.

I LOVE GIFTING!

It’s my favorite part of the whole holiday (besides the Christmas music).

There is nothing better than seeing the look on my sons’ faces when they open a gift and get all excited.

I know it’s obnoxious of me to be this thrilled with the holidays, but I can’t help myself.

It’s like I’m high and won’t come down until after New Year’s.

Did I mention I also get two weeks off at work for the holidays?

Yup.

Two whole weeks of freedom, sleeping in, and socializing!

If I’ve annoyed you with this post, don’t worry. I do have a confession to make:

Although I’ve bought my Christmas and Hanukkah cards, I don’t have them ready to mail yet.

Gasp!

I know. But nothing says “I’m insane” like sending out your holiday cards BEFORE Thanksgiving, right?

If I could get away with it, you can be sure I would do it.

So have a lovely holiday season.

I hope you’re enjoying it at least half as much as I am!

Lumberjack Christmas Tree

So here is my “Lumberjack Christmas Tree” complete with woodland animals, buffalo plaid, and axes!


Are axes even appropriate to put on a Christmas tree?
Who knows?
But they’re there.

 

This tree was inspired by THIS LITTLE LUMBERJACK who I HEART!

I know what you’re all thinking and I’m thinking it too. . .

. . .IF I BUILD IT, WILL HE COME????

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