Shrooms

Shrooms. Funghi.  Toadstools.

Lately, they’ve been on my brain.

Like how can I make a Burning Man outfit out of shrooms?

And no, I’m not creating an outfit because I do shrooms.

I have enough trouble navigating reality, I don’t need a little alteration to confuse me more.

I’m creating an outfit because I like mushrooms.

They’re cute, forest-dwelling, fairy-inspired, little vegetables which I like to eat in a risotto sprinkled with a little lemon zest.

I looked long and hard for mushroom graphic leggings and finally found two pairs I liked on Amazon and eBay.

I know I shouldn’t be feeding the monsters which are Amazon and eBay, but I really couldn’t find mushroom leggings I liked on any independent websites.

Then it was just a matter of accessorizing the outfit.

Mushroom earrings from Wish.

Mushroom necklace from etsy.

And voilá!

My mushroom ensemble for Burning Man:

Vomit

Ok.

So I have a YouTube account I BARELY use.

But 10 years ago, when I was IN LOVE, I uploaded videos of me and my boyfriend INSANELY HAPPY and FILLED WITH JOY.

Needless to say, insanely happy and filled with joy did not last, and me and my beau split.

In my sorrow, I created AND UPLOADED a video.

A slideshow of images of us together.

We weren’t just happy.

Oh no!

We were offensively happy.

Seriously, even I hate us when I watch that video.

I believe there’s even a few “post-coital” images of us in there.

Including our first time (which was on a couch).

And to make matters worse, the soundtrack I used was “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt.

Could it GET any more ironic?

Here it is, a DECADE later and I’m stuck with that video on YouTube.

I’ve tried to take it down, but NO LUCK!

So.

If you have any idea how to delete a video on YouTube, PLEASE. . .

. . .send me instructions!

And for anyone interested in seeing the first 10 seconds of this video (because that’s as long as you’ll last given the vomit-inducing displays of love), email me at michelle@unblunder.com and I’ll send you the link so you can puke before it’s gone.

As my friend Nick would say, “You went full boiler bunny on this one.”

 

UPDATE:  Thanks to my friend Rich, I was able to take it down.  RIP, little video!

American boobs

I bought a white dress for White Wednesday on the playa, envisioning this kind of outfit:

I got it to replace my last white dress which had seen better days.

The new dress came in the mail and, well, it came in a bag marked “Made in China” on it.

Oh no!

That means the dress is made for Chinese boobs.

Not my massive G-size American boobs.

But I decided to try it on anyway.

And wouldn’t you know, it fit.

Sort of.

I’m trying to decide if there’s too much side boob or too much underboob to wear on the playa.

Now, I know that Burning Man is clothing optional.

Clearly I could (and occasionally do) go topless.

And between you and me, sometimes bottomless too.

But I want a white dress to wear for this occasion.

So tell me, what do you think of this top?

Not all who wander are lost

I “accidentally” stayed up all night last night texting an ex-boyfriend.

Ok, I’m not gonna lie, we were FLIRTING.

Hard core.

Well, maybe not HARD CORE because no genital photos were swapped but we definitely revisited our greatest hits.

That time I went on a naked retreat and returned home to him to much fanfare and (ahem) mattress dancing.

Yes, I went on a naked retreat (not knowing it was a NAKED retreat) and I survived.

It was amusing, to say the least, flirting with someone who knows me so well and can charm his way through my defenses.

Once upon a time, I was so IN LOVE with this man.

And boy was he a challenge to date.

  • The other women.
  • The family issues.
  • The adventure seeker waiting to take off solo.

I navigated some pretty tricky territory with this man.

But then he reminded me why we split.

I had a young family and he was done raising his and didn’t want to be part of mine.

I got sad.

A little teary.

Then I remembered:

  1. I’m single
  2. I’m awesome
  3. I don’t want this man
  4. There are other fish in the sea

And just like that, the sadness passed.

I may seem to be moving directionless through my dating life, but in reality I am being very precise.

Not all who wander are lost.

Date yourself

Once upon a time I was a young(ish) woman working at a local university in a little part time administrative position.

The man I worked for was one of the top 10 social psychologists of the 20th century.

One day, I came in to work and told my boss that I needed to get a full time job because I was getting divorced.

And it was then that I got the best advice I’ve ever received in my life.

The professor looked at me for a moment then said, “You need some hobbies.  Get out in nature.  Find adventures.  Volunteer for those less fortunate.  Take the focus off yourself and put it where it needs to be – on your family and on other people who need your help.”

I took those words to heart.

After all, if the NFL hires this professor to give a $15,000 keynote address, who am I to scoff in the face of his advice.

I joined several non-profits.

I volunteered.

And I started adventuring out.

I stopped focusing on the shit-show that was my divorce (don’t worry, we’re fine now) and I paid attention to all the beautiful and wonderful activities that the Bay Area provides.

In the 15 years since my divorce, I’ve only dated three men which means I’ve spent a lot of time single.

Instead of waiting for some man to show up to start living my life, I opted to start dating myself.

I took myself out with friends to all the restaurants I wanted to go to.

I brought my boys with me to movies.

I convinced family and friends to go on adventures with me.

I have not suffered for lack of a steady man in my life.

Dating yourself has its perks:

  1. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want.
  2. No one complains that it’s taking too long to get to your destination.
  3. No need to share the bed, you can roll for miles.
  4. No competitive facebooking your adventures with someone else.

In the end, I feel awfully proud of myself for living my life thoroughly without a man there to support me.

I even went to one of the most inhospitable environments known to man – the Black Rock Desert – and I lived my life there for a week.

Four times.

Everyone should date themselves.

It’s a blast!

Cyber stalking

Once upon a time I was very much in love with a man.

For nearly two years, we enjoyed each other’s company until one sad day when we parted ways.

At first it wasn’t amiable.

I was pissed that he brought a date to our mutual friend’s pirate-themed party a mere week and a half after our split.

But eventually we made peace and it’s a good thing too because I can now remember him fondly, without a trace of anger.

But the sadness?

Oh, there’s sadness.

The other day I was texting a friend who mentioned he saw Mother’s Day pics of his ex-girlfriend posted to a mutual friend’s Facebook page.

And he was pleased to see her looking happy and well.

I finished our conversation then got online and looked up my ex.

Still the same lovely man, of course.

But there was ONE PHOTO.

Just a photo of him, nothing special.

And oh, how my eyes DRANK UP THE SIGHT OF HIM.

And then I got a funny feeling in my chest.

I’m not even sure what it was.

Sadness?

Longing?

Maybe even a little wistfulness?

In any case, I immediately closed my app and swore up and down that I would never do that again.

And I won’t.

Until the next time.

 

Inner voice

I’ve been blogging on unblunder for about 15 years.

First on my own without a platform, then on this WordPress site.

When the blog began, I was in Law School and the blog existed to write about all the things I was going to do to walk the straight and narrow.

Then I dropped out of Law School.

And instead of recording all the PERFECT things I was doing to turn my life into EXACTLY what was expected of me, I started to record all the crazy, fun, and imperfect moments of my life.

The adventures – like racing stock cars, running with the bulls, and going to Burning Man.

If you’ve met me in person, you know I’m fairly quiet.

I tend to be reserved until I am comfortable with the people I am with.

It takes time for me to adjust and I’m not ashamed to say I can be a little shy.

I observe, like any good writer, and I catalog all the things I find amusing or sad.

Anything worthy of sharing gets typed into my phone for later use on the blog.

Once, I was asked by someone I BARELY knew to not write about her in my blog.

My inner voice said, “Just don’t do anything interesting.”

I obeyed, unless you count the fact that I’ve now blogged our conversation at least three times.

My point is, most everyone is a censor.

Of course, they don’t think of it that way, but it’s censorship plain and simple.

And yet I still manage to write about my life, my adventures, and my stories.

The other day, my girlfriend and I were sitting around having coffee on her back porch in the morning sun and she mentioned that I’m typically very quiet but she knows me better than that.

My inner voice is a comedienne.

Spoonflower

I sew a lot.

I just finished a quilt for Barbara and I’m taking a break before making my next quilt:

It’s called the “Spruced Goose.”

Even though I know how to sew clothes, I seldom do on account of I usually get bored with my project and never finish making it.

But lately, I’ve been thinking it might be nice to work on some clothes for myself.

Specifically, leggings.

I found a website called SPOONFLOWER which sells AMAZING unique designs which they custom print onto your desired fabric – spandex, cotton, cotton jersey, etc.

Lately my inspiration has been coming from things I see online.

  • Mushrooms
  • Narwhals
  • Cocktails
  • Mermaids
  • Sloths
  • Butterflies
  • Candy
  • Pineapples
  • Geek

To be honest, it all started when I tried to find mushroom leggings.

I didn’t like anything I found so I figured, why not make it?

And thus, I started shopping Spoonflower.

What do you think?