The one where she gets screwed :-(

photo(3)Okay, so my heart didn’t get broken this week, but my hopes did get dashed.

This week I sent a text to Edward and when I didn’t hear back for three days, I figured he was sending me a message.  So I sent a polite “Hope you’re okay.  Wish we could say goodbye properly.  Good luck, you’re a good man” message to him.  I woke up the next morning to a scathing text from Edward saying there was “too much drama” with me and “Goodbye.”  Apparently he’d left his phone in a friends’ car and had to drive to Discovery Bay to retrieve it.

Too much drama?  Too much drama would have been me calling him names or bitching at him for not texting.  I did none of those things.  I sent a polite and friendly goodbye.

It may come as a surprise, but I was sad that this is how my friendship with Edward ended.  But in a way it was a relief, since our friendship made me feel like a second class citizen.  Unwanted.  Tolerated.  Definitely not valued.  So this was a blessing.

Then THIS happened.

I titled this month’s banner “unblunder:  so screwed I should be covered in ky” and I realized at the time that I was tempting fate to really eff me over this month, but I optimistically hoped for a more literal translation – that I would meet someone and literally be screwed.  But as fate would have it that was not meant to be.  Because Austin, who I have been hungering for, suddenly stopped texting me.  And that never bodes well.  In truth, I knew something was going on when I went two days without hearing a peep from him.

And today he finally got in touch with me to tell me that he’s in a monogamous relationship with another woman.  A woman who has been his friend for a while and finally worked up the courage to ask him to date he when he discussed the possibility of going out with me.

What can I say?  I am so happy that they have found each other but I am so disappointed that I did not get the chance to even kiss Austin.  And with a mind like his, I would have been stimulated in and out of the bedroom.  But as they say “the universe is unfolding exactly as it should…” Whether or not you realize it.

I found myself feeling strangely saddened and getting teary.  First Edward, now Austin.  Is everyone finding love but me?

And why am I always so over-the-top with my sexuality?  Why is it so easy for me to expose my skin but so difficult to expose my heart?

I reached out to my ex Steve.  Told him I was having a bad day and would he text with me.  And he did for a little while.  But I realized that more than anything I wanted to have someone who I could talk to when I’m feeling low.  Who I could share my feelings with,  not just small talk.

And I haven’t met that person yet.

For Austin:

4 thoughts on “The one where she gets screwed :-(

    • II like these lyrics – “What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way. What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.”

      All in good humor, of course.

      But yeah, I’m tied in knots with no relief in sight.

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