I love to kiss.
It’s one of my favorite things, to lock lips with someone and press my lips into theirs, perhaps even open my mouth and let my tongue stroke inside.
The other day, I was on a date. We were overdue for our first kiss and so I maneuvered him into a secluded location where I was sure he’d make his move.
And he did!
And oh DEAR GOD did I regret it.
How a man can reach almost half a century of life without truly learning how to kiss I WILL NEVER KNOW.
But it was awful. Truly, completely, regrettably awful.
He swirled the tip of his tongue around the tip of my tongue ENDLESSLY.
I was like, “ENOUGH OF THIS APPETIZER! GET TO THE FUCKING MAIN COURSE!”
But of course there was no main course. Just more swirling and swirling.
When he finally did stick his tongue in my mouth, he shoved it UNDER MY TONGUE and grossed me out.
It was like yoga for the tongues which DID NOT FEEL GOOD IN ANY WAY.
I literally couldn’t bear to kiss him anymore.
My friend Marina suggested that I teach him how to kiss but I just know my approach would be off putting: Hey Walt, we’re not gonna kiss your way anymore. We’re gonna kiss my way. Got it?
There really should be kissing competency tests in school so that things like this don’t happen.