Last night was the first meeting of the board for one of the volunteer organization I work with. I showed up a few minutes early and parked in front of one of the biggest, luxurious houses in the neighborhood. I’m not kidding when I tell you it was 5,000 square feet or more.
I handed the hostess a plate of little iced cakes and a nice bottle of wine I brought for the dinner. She looked confused but took them into the kitchen. I glanced around at the other guests – all dripping in diamonds and pearls with perfectly blown out hair.
Suddenly the cheeky little hat I was wearing – which I swear saves me from every bad hair day I have ever had – was not looking quite so stylish. I was the only one in jeans. The grungiest girl in the room. Bah!
Feeling awfully nervous and intimidated, I drank my glass of wine and chatted with other guests.
Me: I have a ballgown collection.
Guest: I have one ballgown but I’m afraid to wear it to parties. I don’t want to be the dressiest one in the room.
Me: [Thinking: “Better to be the dressiest one in the room than the least dressiest” but then I remember my casual attire and say nothing.]
The evening went better after that, I thought, once all of us were a little lubed up with liquor. But the reason why the hostess looked confused when I handed her wine and desserts? It’s because she had WAITSTAFF and a CATERED DINNER for our meeting. F..U..C…K! How did I miss that detail? Here I was showing up “a la potluck” and she had STAFF!
The evening went smoothly, once we were all lubed up with wine. And at the end, our gracious hostess gave us gifts of silver and chocolate. And as I was leaving, I slipped an envelope in her hand – a little “Thank you for hosting” card I picked up at etsy.com. Feeling smug, I thought, “Okay, sure. I was the hillbilly element in this party, but at least I remembered my manners!”
I arrived home very late and went to brush my teeth and that’s when I noticed
I HAD A FRIGGING HUGE PIECE OF BLACK PLUM SKIN FROM MY LATE AFTERNOON SNACK STUCK IN MY TWO FRONT TEETH ALL NIGHT LONG!!!!!