Wings – inspired by Drew Barrymore’s character in Ever After, I wore wings and a ballgown to a wedding imagining I’d look like a beautiful angel. Reality set in when I was unable to move for fear of wacking people with those “beautiful” wings. Not my most brilliant idea.
Latex knickers – I tried these out once. Getting them on and off is a chore. Worse yet, you get dressed and undressed to a chorus of latex farts. Imagine rubbing two balloons together. Definitely NOT sexy.
Glitter – oh glitter, how I love to hate you. You definitely make me think I look beautiful when I wear you but you hang around for fucking forever! No wonder you’re called PLAYA HERPES!
Pasties – looks sexy, huh? Not so much when you have to take them off and the top three layers of your skin is removed with them. So. Not. Sexy.
Man buns – all well and good until you realize your man has a more EXTENSIVE hair care regime than you. Hard pass!
No undies – there’s a reason we’re supposed to wear underwear. There’s moisture that accumulates that needs to be ABSORBED. Without underwear it’s like a hot sauna in Thailand between your legs and smells similar.
Shower sex – trust me, I just tried this and my memories of it were nicer than the reality. Not gonna lie here, it was AWKWARD AF!
Lip gloss – oh you make my lips look so sexy but the moment I kiss someone and it transfers to them I realize what a sticky mess lip gloss truly is.
Sex on the beach – not the drink, actual SEX on the BEACH. One word for you. Sand. Enough said.
Chocolate body paint – pretty much anything edible you put on your body to entice your lover to dine there is gonna make a sticky mess. I did this once to my ex-husband and REGRETTED IT INSTANTLY WHEN HE WAS LATE SHOWING UP FROM WORK AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE DRIPPED INTO MY ARMPITS. It’s the things you never think about. . .