I came back from Burning Man with a few problems.
1 – I had really, really fried hair
2 – My liver was in desperate need of a detox
3 – My cuticles looked like something out of The Walking Dead.
Like something you’d expect to see on a zombie.
So I went to my nail salon and got a manicure.
The woman took one look at my hands, clucked at me, and proceeded to work on healing my hands.
She gave me a paraffin wax treatment.
And since it had been so long since my last paraffin wax treatment, I forgot that they make me ITCH.
Fast forward a few hours later and my beautiful looking hands are starting to itch
Believe you me, you have no idea how irritating itchy hands are until it HAPPENS TO YOU.
So I did what any person in their right mind would do.
I SCRATCHED them.
Well, it’s now been three weeks since Burning Man and my itchy palms have subsided and turned into FLAKING palms.
The skin is now FLAKING off my palms and fingers.
I can peel it off in big sheets.
It’s irrelevant that peeling my skin is about as satisfying as picking a scab off.
My hands look HORRID.
And they feel worse.
And ironically, since I’m a pervert, it does occur to me that I should put myself on a hand job TIME OUT.
No handjobs. No way.
Sandpaper is smoother than my hands right now.
And no one wants a sandpaper handjob.