Burning Man 2017 Lessons

Lessons I learned at Burning Man 2017:

  1. Wear COMFORTABLE shoes.
  2. Bring a BACKUP pair of COMFORTABLE shoes.
  3. Bring TWO toothbrushes. You never know when you might LOSE one.
  4. “Wanna see the inside of my RV” is code for “Let’s go makeout.”
  5. Too much cocaine causes impotence.
  6. Edibles are stronger than you think.
  7. When in doubt, nap. See #6, above.
  8. There is such a thing as it being too hot to drink any booze.
  9. Though you may be tempted, NEVER slip off the condom.
  10. A SURE thing is never A SURE THING.
  11. Skullfucking is a real thing.*
  12. If you find yourself in situation #11, try not to puke ALL OVER YOUR PARTNER’S LAP!
  13. If you have a THING about other people using your pillow, BE SURE to state your preferences AHEAD OF TIME or risk sleeping in other people’s drool.
  14. Vodka, grape soda, and red bull is a real drink. Who knew?
  15. When opening a grape soda bottle, aim it away from your WHITE TOGA, or risk turning yourself PURPLE.
  16. Download your music BEFORE coming to Burning Man. You never know when a bar will need to borrow your playlist.
  17. If you desire to flirt with someone, do it DIRECTLY, don’t enlist the help of FRIENDS.
  18. It’s possible to sweat so heavily through the bottoms of your feet they slip out of your flip flops when you walk. Bad!
  19. Maintain the fire perimeter. Do not go beyond what is safe.
  20. Your camp becomes your extended family. Love each and every member you are sharing your burn with.
  21. The best times are the ones shared with others. Embrace your community.
  22. Village life centers around the daily ice run. Help out where you can.
  23. There’s nothing better than an ice cold beer on a FUCKING HOT DAY!
  24. Even if he looks young and virile, his dick still might not work. See #5, above.
  25. For some people, Burning Man is a bucket list item. For others, it’s a calling.
  26. Just when you think you’ve blown your nose as clean as it can get, another cluster of brown playa boogers will fly out into your tissue. KEEP BLOWING!
  27. AF guys are hot AF!
  28. It is possible to kiss someone and have every other person around you COMPLETELY DISAPPEAR from your world.
  29. If you’re going to get some action while your friend is in gate line bringing in your gear, be sure to get your clothes back on and get out to greet him when he arrives.
  30. Also, be sure the FIRST WORDS out of your mouth aren’t, “I just got some.”

*P.S.  You can get semen up your nose.