Alternative Birth Control

I’ve got 10 events in 10 days at work so I’m reposting some old content I find funny.  New content will resume on February 6th.

Reposted from 2015:

 

I tend to be a spontaneous kind of person.

Which is wonderful if you’re my friend and you want to have fun but bad for meeting men.

That is to say, it’s GREAT for the men to have me spontaneously LEAP into bed with them but it’s bad for creating actual relationships.

Because of this, I’ve evolved some alternative techniques to help me keep my lustful urges under control.

They may seem odd, but believe me, they work.

Case in point – my date with The Israeli this weekend.

We are making out on his couch and he is ABSOLUTELY CONFOUNDED BY MY JACKET.

I’m wearing a wool jacket and it’s buttoned up AND the belt is knotted around my waist.

jacketI’m telling you, it took him a good 10 minutes to get me out of that jacket. With much laughter and giggling on our parts.

Enter birth control level 2 – I’m wearing a scuba dress (think high neckline, sleeveless, high density lycra).

dressBasically, there is virtually no area of my body that he can get to without GREAT effort.

It was fun to watch him struggle with it.

But eventually, it came off.

No laughing or giggling this time. Just a lot of heavy breathing.

Enter the final level of alternative birth control.

The granny panty.

pantiesYes indeed. The kind of underwear that is super comfortable but ultimately very ugly. It’s birth control effect is only felt by the wearer (in this case, me) in order to dissuade me from being caught dead in such ugly undies.

I took them off my own self and slipped into my backup sexy panties which I brought with me for just such an occasion.

panties2I’m not saying it’s a perfect system of birth control.

Just that if he can get through 3 levels of alternative birth control measures, he deserves some candy.

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