I have this friend.

We’ll call him Bob.

Bob is fiendishly obsessed with pornography.

I know this because he admitted to me that he masturbates close to ten times a day.

I didn’t know that was even POSSIBLE.

Seems like someone who can do that shouldn’t be a Senior Construction Engineer, but a porn star.

Clearly, the man has a talent.

Or an imbalance.

You be the judge.

Bob and I used to sext.

He gave good sext, I like to say.

He was graphic without being disgusting.

He used punctuation properly.

Nothing worse than a poorly typed sext message.

Yes, I am a grammar snob.

Bob liked to send dick pics, and lots of them.

And there was something remarkable about these pictures.

Bob’s UNIT virtually GLOWED IN THE DARK.

It was so well-polished from years of [ahem] use.

You may be wondering why I’m telling you all this and the answer is simple.

Yesterday, Bob called to tell me that he’s getting married.

That’s right.

Married.

Now, if a guy who masturbates 10 times a day (honestly, who has the time?) can meet a woman, fall in love, and get engaged, then there’s HOPE FOR ME!

And don’t you feel a little bit sorry for his bride-to-be?

I’ll bet he’s on her like white on rice!