Butt cracks and snot rockets

michelleI went to the Korean Spa with my girlfriend this past weekend.

Once again, I was reminded of how fabulous their body treatments are:

A scrub and a rub (1 hour 15 minutes) for $90.

The technicians are older Korean women who are wearing black bras and underwear. I guess that’s the uniform when you work in a wet spa all day long.

They wear raw silk mitts over their hands and they scrub you down like a rotisserie chicken on a wet vinyl bed.

And I’m not kidding when I tell you that NOODLES OF DEAD SKIN COME OFF YOUR BODY!

This time around there was no belly fat on my forehead.

But I did get taught (firsthand) how to properly wash my butt.

You don’t know sh*t until you’ve been schooled by an old Korean woman wearing nothing but a bra and underwear on how to properly wash your butt crack.

After I was scrubbed raw and pink, my technician massaged me vigorously.

She massaged my face too and it was then that I realized that my forehead was sore.

I didn’t even know a forehead could be sore!

My resting bitch face is exhausting.

So there we were, naked and exposed, laying on a wet vinyl bed, getting scrubbed and rubbed by our technicians – a very basic but essential body treatment – when it happened. . .

My technician put a finger against her nose, and BLEW A SNOT ROCKET TO THE GROUND AT HER FEET.

Yes, this is the woman who clucked at me for not washing my butt thoroughly enough.

Like I’m going to take etiquette lessons from her.