LongDong ShagsWell

michelleToday I got a wink from a guy with the username LongDong ShagsWell.

I’m not kidding.

He sent me an email but I didn’t read it before the censors got to him and deleted his account.

Most men who date online have sweet usernames:

  • Looking 4 You
  • Kisses n Nibbles
  • The One 4 U

Occasionally, you get a guy who uses his real name as a username. Like Jack Bentley.

These are all very acceptable usernames.

I must admit, however, that I clicked on LongDong Shagswell’s link faster than the speed of light. I was thinking, “Any man who calls himself LongDong Shagswell has got to be a hoot. And probably TERRIBLE in bed.”

Sadly, we’ll never get to know.

I always find it funny when men go fishing on mainstream (aka VANILLA) sites as opposed to LIFESTYLE sites with headlines like LongDong Shagswell or Luvs To Eat Tacos.

What? Is he going to take me to a taqueria and have me feed him tacos until I have to roll him out the door to get him home?

Don’t these men know they’re barking (mostly) up the wrong tree.

There are sites for that, you know.

Sh*t Brown

Remember my GENIUS idea of wearing a pink latex dress to the Valentine’s Pub Crawl?

Yeah, one of my LESS THAN BRILLIANT ideas, as it turns out.

The dress actually DID arrive in the mail and lo and behold, it was this shitty brown color.

Now.

I might have known better, had I actually scoped out the website a little more.

They uploaded a picture of a hot looking older broad in the dress and it is CLEARLY not pink.

It’s this yucky porto potty soupy brown.

Yeah, you know what I’m talking about!

So here I am, stuck with a dress I CLEARLY will never wear.

I’m wondering if my local Goodwill will raise their eyebrows if I bring in a shit brown latex dress?

You know, it’s moments like these I realize what stores are for and why internet shopping sometimes SUCKS!

That is all.

Fucking Steve!

Steve told me to start out this blog post saying, “Fucking Steve!  He took me on his goddamn boat and got us stranded in the middle of the bay.”

There, I just gave away the punch line.

Yes indeed, I went to visit my ex-BF Steve at the Antioch Marina to take his boat out for a spin.

What kind of a boat it is, you ask?  It’s a white one with triangle sails.  I’m so savvy when it comes to boats.

Anyway, the engine wouldn’t start, the battery was drained, so Steve got a backup generator from his car and we proceeded to charge the battery.  Unknown to us at the time is that instead of charging the battery, we had left it in idle.  So he took me out to get some food and while the battery should have been charging, it was idling.  Oh, and we left the lights on in the boat …. can you say battery drain?

Meanwhile, we loaded up on heart attacks at Hazel’s in Antioch where they serve this HUGE burger.  Steve and I shared.

IMG_4652You can see the size of each HALF BURGER compared to Steve’s hand in this picture.

We got back to the Marina after dinner, discovered our snafu and fixed the problem.  We went for a walk and chatted about everything from our family and friends, to Steve’s (sometimes) crazy ex-girlfriends.  Me, not included.  I think I get a special category of crazy – the lovable kind 🙂

Finally the battery was charged and the boat left the dock.  Since neither Steve or I knew how to sail, we just motored around a bit as Steve got the hang of his boat.

About 45 minutes into our “sail” the engine came to a stop.  We had run out of gas.  We were drifting with the current.  We laughed but a little part of me was worried.  Do we call someone?  Flag someone down?

Here we are in a SAILBOAT and we don’t know how to SAIL!!  How embarrassing.

At this point, Steve remembered the generator we had brought on board to jumpstart the engine.  THAT GENERATOR RAN OFF OF GAS.  We could use the gasoline from the generator to power the boat’s engine.  He used a sump pump to transfer the gasoline.  Brilliant!

Before we knew it, we were on our way again.  Motoring back to the marina.

To Steve’s credit, this boat is new to him and he didn’t realize that the gas gauge (which was showing full) was faulty.  For a moment there, I did wonder if he was pulling the old “broke down car” maneuver to get me alone.  Such was not the case…. but that’s a story I will leave for another blog post titled “I just can’t get any.”

So in the end, we had a lot of fun taking the boat out and about in the water.  It’s probably the first time that boat has gone out in years.  And it was fun to hang with Steve and hear his incredible life stories.

Running out of gas (when we had sails) made it a bit of an adventure, but nothing this sailor gal can’t deal with.

Mostly, this trip just convinced me that I really do need to refresh my sailing skills and learn how to actually use the sails on a sailboat.

Could’ve come in handy today!

Age like Christie Brinkley

I went to a party this week and talked to a bunch of people.

As is typical for me, I tended to hang out with my friends instead of meeting new people, which is the WHOLE POINT of a party.

[No wonder I’m single.]

While I was there, an older woman approached me and gave me a lovely compliment.

She told me I had great skin.

I thanked her and told her my secret: SUNBLOCK and YOUTH.

I grew up in California.

I remember being a teenager and slathering myself with baby oil while laying out in the backyard.

But ever since I worked in a spa in my 20s, I’ve religiously applied sunblock every day.

I don’t avoid the sun though.

I go to Burning Man, after all.

It’s nothing but sun and dust.

When it comes to my youthful appearance, I like to quote Carrie Fisher:

It’s just a matter of time until I look older.

I miss my 19-year old EVERYTHING!

And although I’m quite pleased with what my DNA has made me into, it’s impossible to ignore that I’m not going to age like Christie Brinkley.

Two cents

No, I’ve never been to Burning Man, his profile said.

“But as an ad exec, I’ve been all over the world, held photoshoots with supermodels. . .”

Screech!

What?

Supermodels?

Oh HELL no!

Swipe LEFT!

Just one of the profiles I came across on Tinder.

Oh Tinder, how you ENTERTAIN me.

FYI, women don’t like to hear that a potential date has been with supermodels.

The only thing we like WORSE are plastic surgeons and gynecologists.

Here’s a few tips for the men out there:

  1. DON’T post profiles pics with ex-girlfriends, sisters, cropped out women, women in general ,and MODELS MOST SPECIFICALLY!
  2. DON’T create a username like “luvs2eatacos” or “bigboi4u.”
  3. DON’T trash talk her sports team. You’re not her buddy. You’re not her pal.  Be nice.  Bring YOUR A-game.
  4. DON’T say you attended the “School of Hard Knocks.” Everyone has. It’s a given.  No one skates through life unscathed.  This makes you sound like a whiner.
  5. DON’T say you’re fresh out of a LTR. Everyone knows there’s a wild oats sowing period of time following a breakup.
  6. DO let your freak flag fly. I want to know what makes you YOU!
  7. DO post pics of your dog. I love that shit.  I’m on the fence about cat pictures, however.
  8. DO post pics of your travels, but BE IN THE PHOTO. I know what Notre Dame looks like.
  9. DO use good grammar and punctuation. It’s the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
  10. DO upload new photos from time to time to see what women respond to. I love it when my old matches upload new photos.

Just my $0.02.

Mommy

I’ve been waiting for the right moment to tell this story.

It’s the story of me and someone I dated who had an infantilism fetish.

Now the first thing you should know is that I don’t knock anyone’s fetish.

And because of that, I thought well hey, maybe I can do this.

After all, I’ve got the muffins for it.

But as it turns out, no.

I do not have the composition necessary to engage in these activities.

For one, the milk has long since dried up and I’m not anxious to get it back.

I felt like a big lactating cow when I was nursing my kids.

Not sexy.

And another thing – when someone calls me “mommy” I think of my babies which is great when you’re raising kids but awful when you’re trying to get your groove on.

I politely asked him to me called “Mimi” instead of “mommy” but that didn’t cut it with this guy.

My foray into infantilism lasted all of one date.

When it’s not for you, it’s clear that IT’S NOT FOR YOU.

And that’s when I realized I was looking for something different.

Perhaps a man who doesn’t sign all his text messages with the milk bottle and water droplet emoji.

Now, you may think of this as a setback but every time I clarify one more thing I’m not looking for, and I’m confident it’s not for me, well that just puts me one step closer to knowing what I DO want.

So I can confidently say I know one more thing about myself.

I’ll get to where I need to be by process of elimination.

Taste the rainbow

Valentine’s Day has got me all hot and bothered.

But not for a date.

No.

I’m binging on lingerie AGAIN, because I haven’t bought any in such a long time so in typical fashion I am TOTALLY throwing myself into it.

Today I shopped the rainbow of lingerie:

 

Oh, shopping for lingerie is SO DANGEROUS!

I’m sorely tempted to buy a shit ton of lingerie to wear to Burning Man.

Because my fellow burners really need to see me rocking boyshorts and a matching bralette.

Right?

Which ones should I collect?

Thievery

I steal a lot.

And I steal from my friends and family.

Personally, I think you’re a dope if you don’t steal a little bit of the people you love and take it with you wherever you go.

It’s one of the great pleasures of life, to be able to learn new things from other people and have those skills, memories and passions continue on.

Jay taught me appreciation for craft beer and craft cocktails.

My heart skips a beat when I see a great cocktail menu.

And, I simply can’t listen to any Christmas music without thinking of him.

I’m glad a part of him stuck with me even after we split.

Steve taught me Highland Games sports.

My ability to throw a caber I owe completely to him.

And, of course, he was with me when I bought my truck so every time I see my truck I think of him and his massive chest and muscular legs fitting inside that truck when we took it for a test drive.

I stole from Charlie The Aussie as well.

I took his Australian sense of adventure and incorporated that into my blog – doing everything from going to Burning Man to running with the bulls.

I’m pretty sure he’s the entire reason why I ran a half marathon in Big Sur in 2010 and raised $5,000 for the Ronald McDonald House at Packard Children’s Hospital.

I could go on and on about The Swede.

Because of him I can say “I love you” in Swedish.

And I simply can’t eat spicy food without remembering the time he fed me a spicy chocolate truffle which had me hanging my tongue under the faucet.

He also taught me passion for hockey, and though I seldom attend games I enjoy watching the Sharks play on TV and I remember watching The Swede’s talented daughter playing goalie when I was visiting in Sweden.

But by and large, the man who challenged me the most when it comes to learning about another person’s passions is The Professor.

He taught me that accepting the status quo is tantamount to stagnation.

He encouraged me to test my edges and learn new things about myself, not just him.

And without giving too much away, I simply can’t look at Machu Picchu without thinking about him and all his adventurous world travels.

In the end, these are the pieces that are left behind with me when relationships end and I move on.

I think it’s great to hold on to the positive and forget the negative.

We are shaped by the relationships that we forge and I for one am really happy with how things have turned out, even if I’ve been turned into an adventurous, traveling cocktail snob with non-mainstream relationship goals.

Weird Science

I came up with a new idea for Multiverse:  Burning Man 2020.

Lisa from Weird Science.

She was conjured out of the ether of men’s fantasies by two nerds, what is more Multiverse than that?

It’s been amusing putting together this costume.

To begin with, she’s not wearing a bodysuit, she’s wearing some kind of scoop neck royal blue suspender swimsuit singlet.

Sort of.

Try googling that in a plus size and see what you get. . .

It’s a hodge-podge of baby onesies, swimsuits, and some REALLY OUTSTANDING harnesses for men.

I kid you not.

Just when I thought I’d found the right scoop neck royal blue suspender swimsuit singlet, I looked at the back view and noticed it was a thong.

Uh, no.

Not even with heather gray stockings on.

So I finally found this suspender swimsuit and the designer is willing to make it in royal blue for me:

I could buy a Shermer Phys. Ed. t-shirt already created for $50 but why spend $50 on a tube top when I can custom make my own for $25?

So there you have it, my Lisa from Weird Science outfit.

Just add heather gray tights, men’s striped athletic socks and white sneakers and call it a day: