Coconut EVERYTHING

Retail therapy is honest-to-goodness therapy, is it not?

It always makes me feel better.

Take for instance my latest foray into online shopping.

I hit up Ulta for all things coconut scented.

Coconut deodorant.

Coconut body spray.

Coconut perfume.

Coconut dry shampoo.

Even a little coconut sponge.

I’m in a coconut mood.

If orange blossom is my winter fragrance, then coconut is definitely my summer fragrance.

I feel all beachy and boho wearing it.

My hair should be splayed around around me in luxurious textured blond waves.

Sure, I have a misbehaving cervix, but who cares?

I smell like a tropical vacation.

On a scale of zero to cancer. . .

On a scale of zero to cancer, I’m at a one.

At least that’s what the doctor told me.

Nevertheless, I am quite nervous about my most recent biopsy.

I should have the results back in under a week, so that’s a blessing.

At least I’ll know where I stand.

This is the second time my doctor has had to go in and biopsy tissue.

It’s not my favorite thing in the world, resting on a bed, high up in the air, with a camera and a huge light pointed at my nether regions.

And don’t get me started on the stirrups!

The pinching and cramping was no fun.

I spent the rest of the day clutching a heating pad to my abdomen, in an effort to tame the pain.

Ironically given my family history, I’m inclined to just have them take my equipment.

Because it doesn’t comfort me to hear I’m a one on the cancer scale.

I want to be a zero.

So if you can spare a moment, think good thoughts for me.

I could use some positive thoughts right now.

Bitch Slap

It was a relaxing weekend.

I did next to nothing ALL WEEKEND LONG.

That’s sort of par for the course, when sheltering in place.

I watched Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

And E.T.

I guess I’m in an 80s mood.

I also went to Rene home which he now shares with his new girlfriend.

I brought along a friend so I woudn’t have to drive all the way to Seaside by myself.

The food was delicious, but the company was extraordinary.

It’s always good to see old friends.

Especially ones you can tease mercilessly.

What most people don’t know is that once upon a time, when Rene was married, his wife bitch slapped me for twirling my hair.

Apparently, it was a pet peeve of hers.

So she cracked me one right across the face.

This story gets told time and again to all of Rene’s girlfriends.

Each time, they are shocked.

Rene’s new girlfriend was suitably appalled on my behalf.

And you know what?

I twirled my hair in front of her and guess what?

No bitch slap!

That’s a win in my book.

I’ve swum in that pool

The other day, an ex-boyfriend of mine posted birthday photos of his kids to facebook.

They were taken in his parent’s beautiful manicured backyard and I couldn’t help but notice the pool in the pictures which took me back 25 years to when we were wild teenagers fooling around in that pool.

Good to know it’s still seeing good times and young hearts.

Man, did I have a blast in that pool.

Swimming with the boys.

Goofing off with girlfriends.

I remember supervising his high school sister in his parent’s house over the weekend when her parents were away my junior year in college.

She threw a HUGE party in the backyard.

The kind of party where some drunk kid throws up on the front lawn and they break into the parent’s exceptional wine cellar and steal vintage wines.

I eventually kicked out almost all but the innermost circle of friends.

The cops were eventually called by the neighbors, but I was so agro about the whole party I cleaned up all the recycling and garbage so the COPS FOUND NOTHING!

Lucky me, no?

Not a cigarette butt, not a bottle cap, not a cork nor bottle.

Just me, floating in that beautiful pool.

And his sister, surrounded by friends at the fire pit.

Never underestimate the power of appearance

The other day I admitted to Tejas that the man I was going out with was unemployed and living with his parents.

Naturally, Tejas asked me why was I wasting my time.

The answer I gave him:

Don’t underestimate the power of appearance.

He’s tall, like a tree tall.

And I can’t help but imagining myself climbing him like Jack climbed the beanstalk.

Only to slide down that huge tree trunk.

OMG.

Did I really say that?

I did.

Don’t think I don’t question my own sanity.

Why spend time with someone so clearly in need of a rebuild?

Well, the answer is simple.

Lust.

No, I’m kidding.

Really, it’s that everyone is deserving of love.

I might not latch my wagon to him, but I’ll certainly go toe-to-toe in a race with him.

Never underestimate the power of appearance.

I should be so fucking lucky

Hi!

I’m back.

Literally NOTHING is going on, though.

Work continues.

Sheltering in place continues.

I’ve managed to sneak out of my house for a date or two, but THAT’S ABOUT IT!

This weekend, a dear old friend Rene is hosting a small barbecue with his girlfriend.

I’ve opted to invite a friend to come with me so I don’t have to drive alone to the party which is in Seaside.

It should be a lot of fun.

Rene is very good at food in general and barbecue in particular, judging from his last get together.

Also, he has spare bedrooms so we can stay the night without worrying about driving that treacherous Highway 17 late at night after 2 beers.

Anyhow, all this is to say that I’m going to be meeting Rene’s new girlfriend for the VERY FIRST TIME and I’m excited.

It’s not every day that I get to meet Rene’s new girlfriend.

If luck would have it, they met right before lockdown and moved in together soon after so I’m very intrigued to see who has won over his heart so quickly.

He literally invited me over “their house.”

Isn’t that sweet?

Yeah, I thought so too.

I should be so fucking lucky.

Update on weight loss

As of today, I’ve dropped 20.2 pounds.

Nothing to sneeze at, for sure.

I feel better.

I move easier.

I look slimmer.

All thanks to Optavia and my Coach Cat.

It was a rough few weeks when my son was deployed to protect the state capital.

I struggled to not drink.

I wasn’t always successful but I noticed something interesting.

When I drank, I didn’t sleep as well as when I refrained from drinking.

And I had cotton mouth all night long.

Yuck!

Who wants a rough night’s sleep with cotton mouth?!

Not I.

So I’ve found it easier to turn down alcohol now, even when I’m stressed.

I’ve learned my lesson.

I still miss beer.

And the occasional carb.

But overall, I’m quite pleased with the direction the scale is moving in.

Here’s to the next 20 pounds!

Throwback Thursday

One of my favorite beauty bloggers, Milabu, gave birth to a baby boy in June.

She’s been chronicling her pregnancy in addition to the beauty products she tests out and I was anxious to hear how everything went.

Thankfully, besides an unplanned c-section, all is great.

I haven’t really been captured by pregnancy stories until Milabu came along.

Mostly because that chapter of my life is done and over with.

I will not be having any more children, contrary to some family predictions.

It’s just me, my 21-year old son and my 19-year old daughter.

But watching Milabu recount her birth story took me back.

Oh, did it take me back to when I was a young mother.

There’s such a steep learning curve.

Changing diapers.

Figuring out what cry means what.

Doctors visits.

Nursing (enough said).

So much goes into becoming a new mom and every thing you learn you’re learning while being severely sleep deprived.

You can imagine some internet trolls have come out of the woodwork, to criticize Milabu’s mothering.

I say to hell with all the haters.

Raising another human being is the toughest job out there and every mom out there deserves credit for taking on the huge task of bringing another life into the world.

Way to go, Milabu!

Tall-ish

I once went out with a man who was seven feet tall.

He used to get asked all the time “Do you play baseketball?” to which he’d reply “Why?  Do you play miniature golf?”

Ha ha ha!

I clearly remember standing on a bench kissing him and STILL being shorter than him.

And I’m not a petite woman by any stretch of the imagination.

So when I found out my latest date was 6’7” my first thought was “Okay, no big deal.”

It’s not like he’s seven feet tall.

However, having spent the afternoon with him I can now report back and say that yes, even 6’7” is tall.

I opted to wear heels because I figured I could get away with it.

Big Joe walked toward me to hug me and I was standing on a curb, in my heels.

I hugged him and was dwarfed by him even so.

Obviously I find his height very appealing.

I’m not gonna lie.

Look up “lumberjack” in the dictionary and it’ll have a picture of him with the caption “Big Joe.”

Which brings me to the other joke that my seven foot boyfriend used to say.

People would stare and say, “So is it true what they say about the size of a man’s shoes and his ___.”

To which he’d respond, “God no!  I’d be ten feet tall!”

LOL

Clever boy!

Cut Throat   

You wouldn’t know it to look at me but I am a cut throat when it comes to unfriending people who post disinformation to their Facebook pages.

I don’t need someone to put up political garbage which is false and misleading without doing even the tiniest bit of research themself.

I spotted what was clearly an inflammatory picture of a bruised woman and a statement claiming that she was beaten, kidnapped, robbed, and had her unborn child threatened by George Floyd.

I instantly suspected it was disinformation and a simple google search did in fact confirm it as such.

I removed this person from my friends list.

I just don’t have time to waste reading that kind of garbage in my Facebook stream.

I don’t want to cultivate friendships with people who harbor racism in their hearts.

I don’t need to maintain relationships with anyone who can’t complete a simple google search before passing on disinformation.

Nope.

Not gonna do it.

What happened to George Floyd was a tragedy and false attempts to malign him or try to justify what happened will not be tolerated.

I’m happy to report that I didn’t even need to post a response to this person’s Facebook post.

People were posting all over with links proving that his post was disinformation and completely incorrect on many levels.

The world is learning.

Perhaps slower than we’d like, but we’re learning.