Anti Valentine’s Day 2019

Ok, so every year around Valentine’s Day I post links to etsy Anti-Valentine’s Day gift ideas and this year will be no different.

Fuck Valentine’s Day banner – I blog my hatred of Valentine’s Day, you can hang a banner.

Ah ha ha ha – perfect card for me to send to my sister.

Anti-Valentine’s Day cookies – for my snarky 18 year old to pass out to their friends.

Love is in the Air tank top – better stop breathing!

An Anti-Valentines’ Day mug – about as romantic as I could get for this fucking disaster of a holiday.

Oh yes, the CLASSIC “Cupid rhymes with stupid” tee – so you can broadcast what you really feel.

Fuck off necklace – don’t you just love the profanity of it? You can’t say it doesn’t send a message.

Ah, well I love tasteless cards, and this is one of them.

Another card I’d like to send to my ex.

Pins for Single Awareness Day – don’t be afraid to show the world what you think.

The best part of Valentine’s Day? An excuse to drink excessively and drown your frustrations.

And last, a bandana which I would put on my dog if I had one but oh yeah, she died and now not even my dog is there to love me. Tears!

A little more love in the world

I’ve been single for 15 years, with a few notable relationships:

I can’t forget Steve, literally the smartest man I’ve ever dated.

Or Drew, who was the TALLEST at 6’11” tall.

Jay was the sweetest and the closest I came to pure happiness.

But he was followed by The Professor who altered my life forever by teaching me to test my edges.

The Swede captured my heart despite the unsurmountable distance between us.

And continuing with the international theme, I was totally enamored with Charlie The Aussie, who was the most adventurous man I ever met.

Finally, there’s Luke who I don’t really care to remember that often on account of his poor post-miscarriage behavior.

There has been a smattering of other men thrown in, but those are the highlights.

I’m starting to think, because I’ve been single for so long, that I make a pretty good single person.

I keep busy with friends and family.

I have a sex life.

Occasionally, it’s even robust.

It may be unusual and atypical for a single female living in the Bay Area but it keeps me happy.

Pretty much the only thing I miss from being coupled up is having someone to remind me when it’s time to rotate my tires.

The only reason why I’m looking AT ALL is because I don’t want to be single in my sunset years.

I want to travel and explore the world with someone when I retire.

Share history with someone.

Can’t blame me for working toward a goal.

Especially when the goal is to create a little more love in this world.

Lingerie for Valentine’s Day

Despite my obvious hostility towards Valentine’s Day, I would never let the opportunity pass me to buy a little bit of lingerie.

Under my onesie for the Valentine’s Day Pub Crawl, should I wear:

1.  This hot little red number?

2.  This sexy black teddy?

3.  This SUPER sexy chemise?

4.  This blood red babydoll?

5.  Dunno what this is, but it’s hawt!

6.  This sultry number?

7.  An oxblood-colored nightdress (who needs sleep)?

8.  Red AND black, the best of both worlds?

9.  A strappy little black teddy with garters?

10.  Classic red and black bra, panties and matching garter belt?

11.  Nippies, and nothing else?

12. A heavenly little bohemian number?

What do you think I should wear (just in case I get lucky)?

Time to Party

Valentine’s Day is coming up and I’m going on a pub crawl with friends.

It’s a Table for Onesie Pub Crawl, so we will all be dressed up in unisex onesies.

I have seemingly a hundred onesies in my collection and I need to select one to wear that night.

I’m leaning towards my purple star onesie, basically because I love the idea of wearing my lavender wig.

But also, a rainbow unicorn would be nice.

I’m planning on taking an uber to and from the pub crawl so I can drink without worrying about getting a DUI.

Nothing like hoping into an uber in a big purple star onesie and a lavender wig to say “it’s time to PARRRRRTY!”

Pub Crawl

Valentine’s Day is coming.

And already I know what I’m doing.

I’m getting dressed up in a onesie, heading out to downtown for an un-valentiney Valentine’s Day pub crawl.

Now, we all know I’m game for anything that starts with beer and ends with more beer.

But this is more than just a progressive.

This is a powerful statement about the pressures put on people to see life in terms duality instead of complexity – from genders to relationships.

Yup, that’s a nod to my trans and poly friends.

Good things come in more than just two.

I’m going to get dressed in my onesie and join my fellow single and coupled up friends in celebrating a day for love, be it romantic or based on friendship, in a very non-traditional way.

Nadine will be joining me, so I have that to look forward to.

Sometimes I feel like the measure of my happiness is NOT the health of my romantic relationship/s but instead in the strength of my female friendships.

I’ll be celebrating that for Valentine’s Day, instead of feeling bad for myself or lonely.

 

 

Three strikes, you’re out!

michelleI was really into this one guy when I was younger.

He was a drummer.

Just one of several drummers I dated.

I guess I have a thing for lumberjacks AND drummers.

The thing about him was that he was just absolutely THE DEFINITION OF SEXY.

Dark hair, dark eyes, nice biceps honed from years of going apeshit on his tubs.

He was also EVER SO SLIGHTLY younger than me.

I was so excited when he asked me out.

I remember he got lost on the way to my house to pick me up.

He drove an old truck.

Bonus!

Be still my heart.

In any case, he picked me up and we went out and for the life I me I don’t recall where we went or what we did.

All I know is that when it came time to say goodnight, he was dropping my off at my house and I leaned in the car window to give him a kiss and when the kiss was over, he said (I KID YOU NOT), “Good night Lisa. I mean Melissa. I mean Michelle.”

Now, at the time I was CRUSHED by this turn of events.

But as time has passed, I have realized that it wasn’t all that bad.

I’m such a good kisser I clearly kissed all the sense from his head and he couldn’t remember my name.

Yeah, that’s what happened!

Save

Nobody loves me

Valentine’s Day is creeping up on me like a bad toe fungus and I find myself in the uncomfortable position once again of being single for a holiday that celebrates couplehood.

I can practically feel the bile rising in my throat when I think of all the sugary sweet sentiments that will be posted onto Facebook for couples celebrating being a couple.

It’s downright nauseating.

Of all the holidays, this is my LEAST favorite.

I can dress up for Halloween.

I can buy gifts for Christmas.

I can cook a ham for Easter.

Eat Mexican food on Cinco de Mayo.

All of these holidays are easy to participate in.

But not so much Valentine’s Day.

And there’s nothing I dislike more than feeling LEFT OUT.

But left out is what I am.

I am reminded of a song a gentleman sang for me in college:

“Nobody love me.

Nobody cares.

Nobody feeds me peaches and pears.”

So, you have been forewarned to expect quite a bit of sass out of me as this holiday approaches.

Because I’m sure as hell not pleased that (yet again) I must survive another fucking Valentine’s Day ALONE.

Thanks for the goddamn reminder!

Confession

I have a confession to make.

I engaged in ex-sex over the holiday break.

Yes, I did.

My ex was in town at the same party as me and I figured, “Why not?”

And so I grabbed it with my hungry little hands and ate deeply.

Do I regret it?

Not. One. Bit.

Not only did I completely enjoy myself, I took a trip down memory lane and partook of my ex’s BIG DADDY energy as thoroughly as I could.

After all, it’s not all that often I get topped in the bedroom, so the change of pace was nice.

I’d like to say that I thought about this decision LONG and HARD.

But the truth is I barely gave it a thought.

That could lead to fallout I know, but so far there’s been none.

I haven’t been heartsick with longing.

Or wishing I could go back in time and make things turn out differently.

I haven’t even THOUGHT about what we did, other than to put a big smirking grin on my face from time to time.

I’d like to credit my hormones for helping me act SPONTANEOUSLY, because I was SERIOUSLY RIPE FOR THE PICKING.

And to quote my favorite flute-playing, leotard-wearing, bad-ass-bitch Lizzo, “I’m feeling GOOD AS HELL!”

 

 

 

New Year’s Eve

Barbara told me on New Year’s Eve that my favorite Korean Spa in Santa Clara was closed.

I was crushed!

But I managed to find a new, smaller Korean health center via Yelp and before you knew it, I was laying naked on a vinyl bed while buckets of warm water were thrown on me and my skin was scrubbed with raw silk mitts by women wearing black bras and underwear.

So in other words, more of what I was used to.

Noodles of dead skin came off me and as usual, I found myself trying to explain to my technician that I really do shower every day and wash myself.

She seemed unconvinced.

After the scrub, I got a massage with baby oil and left the Korean Spa feeling fresh as a daisy and soft as a baby’s bottom.

I went to the salon and got my hair done.

It was New Year’s Eve after all, and I was determined to get all dolled up.

I put on my mermaid ombré sequin gown which fades from gold on top to turquoise on the bottom, I slipped on a pair of sparkly shoes, and I hopped in the car with friends to get the party started.

We had a nice dinner in Santa Cruz before heading to a private NYE party in Aptos, which was OFF THE HOOK FUN!

There was a champagne toast and a balloon drop and I managed to hug and kiss many MANY people to ring in the good year.

I’ve decided that my overarching goal for 2020 will be to keep the momentum from NYE alive as I make my way through the year.

Be generous with my hugs and kisses.

Be thankful for my family and friends.

And look for ways to bring more pleasure and happiness into this world.

Magic is what you make of it

Disney loveMagic always comes with a prince

At least that’s what Disney and Hollywood lead you to believe.

Of course lately, there’s been less focus on the prince and more focus on the heroine, but you get the picture – love, above all, makes the story.

And how are we single ladies supposed to feel about this in real life?

Well, I’ll tell you, being single has never hurt my social life. In fact, I think I get out more and do more things simply because I don’t have a partner to hang out at home with eating pizza and drinking beer with on a Saturday night.

Being single didn’t hurt me when I was racing cars at the Stockton 99.

image

Being single especially didn’t hurt me when I was leaping from an airplane with a hot man and a parachute strapped to my back.

And it certainly didn’t hurt me when I went to the Alameda County Fairgrounds and ran with the bulls.

photo 4No, being single hasn’t hurt one bit.

Even my more carnal urges somehow manage to get taken care of.

So what then is my life missing without a man to “complete” me?

The answer is nothing.

I have friends and family who give me love and camaraderie and lovers who give me intimacy.

Everything else is icing on the cake.

Sure, it’s magical when life and love come with a prince.

But it sure as hell isn’t required.

Magic, is what you make of it.