Pagan Bunny Burn

There’s an event that takes place near Elk Grove, California called The Pagan Bunny Burn.

I attended last year and had a great time, despite the fact that it was pretty damn cold in my tent and it rained (just a little) during the weekend.

This year I wasn’t on the ball and I missed my opportunity to get tickets.

I have a few bunny outfits:

There’s my White Rabbit costume, my Playboy Bunny costume, my Pink bunny costume, and my Black Burner Bunny costume.

So I’m pretty bummed that I’m going to miss it this year.

But since my outfits are mostly designed for the hot weather on the playa at Burning Man, and not the chilly spring weather of Elk Grove, I’ll live with it.

Of course, tickets do come available as we approach the event date so it’s possible I may get to go.

I’m focusing on minimizing my footprint at burner campouts this year.

I have a small 8 x 7 foot tent:

It’s sufficient shelter in a rainstorm, but it’s not wildly insulated and I find I get chilled at night.

You know what I’m talking about – when you have to BURY yourself in the blankets and should anything peek out from underneath, it is met with frigid air and you beat a hasty retreat from the cold.

Yeah, it’s THAT cold.

So you MIGHT see me at the Pagan Bunny Burn.

I’ll be the one sitting on a bar stool at the Endorphin Orphan Bar, drinking a beer and dressed in my burner bunny finest!

 

Heaven

A small detail you may not know about me:

I live with my blind father.

He lost his eyesight maybe 10 years ago and requires a lot of help and assistance – for meals, activities, house chores, etc.

Needless to say, my mom bears the brunt of most of the work, but I help out where I can.

But it’s A LOT of work.

So last weekend, my sister and I flew my mom to Reno (where my sister lives) for a weekend away.

We were also celebrating my mom’s 75th birthday!

We slept in.  Helped with setting up some furniture for my son (who will be attending UNR in the fall and living with my sister), had an awesome meal at a lovely restaurant, and just generally relaxed.

It was heaven!

One thing we did, which we LOVE to do, was paint pottery.

I still have pottery I made in grade school during Mr. Fairman’s art class – a mug with a big bulbous nose which holds pens for me.

Here are the pieces we painted:

Honestly, I had a wonderful time.

And considering that I left Reno to host 10 events in 10 days at work, I needed the R&R.

I had a great time with my mom and my sister.

I think too often I take their presence in my life for granted and it was nice to slow down a bit and focus on them for a weekend.

Latex Farts be Damned

I’ve been thinking about the ABC Party a lot lately and wondering WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO WEAR?

I don’t really have the time to learn how to craft something out of paper, plastic, or cardboard.

What’s a girl to do?

Why, LATEX of course!

You know, that stuff that the Kardashians wear on a regular basis which is TECHNICALLY used by doctor’s performing surgery. . .

You have to POWDER your body to slip into it.

I once bought a few pairs of latex panties and the pain of putting them on was only eclipsed by the utter and complete DISASTER of trying to get them off (to a chorus of latex “balloon” farts).

It’s NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE to peel them off your body when it’s moist, is what I’m saying.

So I know what I’m getting into when I say I’m thinking of buying an all latex outfit for this shindig.

The thing that I really like about this outfit is that it reminds me of Trinity in The Matrix.

Could there be any cooler chick in the universe?

So the bottom line is I am SERIOUSLY considering wearing an ALL LATEX outfit to the ABC Party.

Latex farts be damned!

Magic is what you make of it

Disney loveMagic always comes with a prince

At least that’s what Disney and Hollywood lead you to believe.

Of course lately, there’s been less focus on the prince and more focus on the heroine, but you get the picture – love, above all, makes the story.

And how are we single ladies supposed to feel about this in real life?

Well, I’ll tell you, being single has never hurt my social life. In fact, I think I get out more and do more things simply because I don’t have a partner to hang out at home with eating pizza and drinking beer with on a Saturday night.

Being single didn’t hurt me when I was racing cars at the Stockton 99.

image

Being single especially didn’t hurt me when I was leaping from an airplane with a hot man and a parachute strapped to my back.

And it certainly didn’t hurt me when I went to the Alameda County Fairgrounds and ran with the bulls.

photo 4No, being single hasn’t hurt one bit.

Even my more carnal urges somehow manage to get taken care of.

So what then is my life missing without a man to “complete” me?

The answer is nothing.

I have friends and family who give me love and camaraderie and lovers who give me intimacy.

Everything else is icing on the cake.

Sure, it’s magical when life and love come with a prince.

But it sure as hell isn’t required.

Magic, is what you make of it.

Pottery!

On Saturday, I drove my tired ass all the way from Los Gatos to Emeryville to take a pottery making class.

The first thing you need to know about throwing clay is that it’s not as easy as it looks.

The second thing you need to know about throwing clay is that having fingernails makes it very hard to work with the clay. One wrong move and your project is ruined.

That said, I embarked on my adventure with enthusiasm and visions of “Ghost” in my head.

There are stages to making any object out of clay and one stage is to make a cone. My cones always looked more like a phallus and I kept stroking it to try to get it to become more of a cone, but no luck. Still, it was fun.

My favorite part of the whole process was simply getting dirty and messy, kinda like I was a kid in kindergarten all over again.

In the end, I found the clay harder to manipulate than I had anticipated but still very fun to work with.

I definitely recommend taking a class or two and learning to make your own pottery.

It’s raining fish!

A few friends and I took to the seas and went fishing this past weekend.

We were fishing for crab and rock cod.

Despite the fact that I kept getting called “sweetheart” by the deck manager, I had a GREAT time.

Getting up at 3:45 am is not ideal, but it allows you to catch sights like the sunrise over the city.

And the Golden Gate Bridge as seen from the water

It took us 3 hours to motor out past the Farallons to our fishing “hole.”

I literally dropped my line in the water and came out with a fish.

It was RAINING FISH.

In the end, after about 4 hours of fishing, I caught 10 fish – mostly medium size rock cod.

Some were olive colored, some were red, and others were bright yellow.

It was rather amazing to see the diversity.

One guy on our boat caught a behemoth!

The thing was over 2 feet long and must’ve weight a good 20 – 30 pounds.

On our way back home from fishing, we stopped and checked our crab pots and we’d caught enough crab for everyone on the boat to get two crabs each.

A deckhand was kind enough to give me two extra so I had 6 crabs, including Tejas’ crabs.

I took the crabs to the bait shack when we got back and left them to be cooked and cleaned.

And that’s when it happened.

Someone STOLE MY CRAB.

Just walked off with the bag of my cooked and cleaned crabs, leaving me with my worthless claim ticket.

But the guys cooking the crab took mercy on me and managed to get me 6 other crabs to take home.

So all is well that ends well.

Still.

Someone stole my catch!

Bad form!

Tires and Boyfriends

tireI do not have a boyfriend.

And the only reason this really matters is that there’s no one there to tell me to rotate my tires, or remind me that my tires need to be replaced.

These are the things I simply don’t think about.

It’s not that I’m an oblivious female – I can change a tire as well as change my own motor oil.

There are just some things I DON’T think about unless they’re staring me in the face.

Tires being one of them.

One of the reasons boyfriends EXIST is to tell their girlfriends these things.

I’ll never forget when my boyfriend Luke asked me when was the last time I packed the ball bearings on my trailer.

The answer wasn’t NEVER, it was “the last time I got the trailer serviced a few years ago.”

He proceeded to scold me and then he packed and greased my ball bearings.

No, that’s not a euphemism for sex.

It means he worked on my trailer for me.

I’ve decided that I need a boyfriend for all these GUY THINGS I don’t think about – packing ball bearings, putting air in my tires, replacing my tires BEFORE they go thread bare, etc.

So I’m interviewing.

Any applicants?

Must know cars (trucks preferred).

 

P.S.  I must give a shout out to my cousin Travis who took a look at my tires a few weeks ago and told me they needed to be replaced.  Badly.

Deck the f*cking halls

Barbara has great bosses.

Last year they got her tickets to a SF 49ers game and SHE TOOK ME!

This year they bought her tickets to Cirque Musica – circus acts set to a full orchestra playing holiday music – and SHE TOOK ME!

I’m not quite sure what the best part of the evening was – watching Barbara laugh silently when two men, gilded in gold body paint and wearing nothing but golden speedos took the stage and performed poses with blatant homoerotic overtones.

I swear I thought she was going to fall out of her chair she was laughing so hard she was shaking.

Or –

Watching a circus performer balance shit on his face.

We’re not talking little things like chairs and balls.

NO!

He balanced an entire Christmas tree, a full size ladder, and a table on his chin.

It was truly a WTF moment.

ladderThis is the face I was making the ENTIRE time he was performing:

michelleAs it turns out, having an orchestra SHARE THE STAGE with circus performers is very stressful.

I kept worrying that the circus performers were GOING TO CRASH into the orchestra.

Barbara was worried they were going to crash into us!

In the end, we all survived and I learned a valuable lesson: balancing shit on your chin is a viable career choice.

Deck the fucking halls and fa la la!

My Very First Santa Con

The most notable part about my weekend this past weekend is that I got smashed.

Trashed.

Blottoed.

Is that even a word?

I didn’t intend to and I blame the fact that I switched from drinking beer to drinking gin about halfway through the night.

But let’s start at the beginning.

I decided to attend my first Santa Con – a party where a group of people get dressed like Santa in festive holiday attire and go en mass from one pub to the next bringing holiday spirit and cheer while consuming alcoholic beverages.  I put together an appropriate outfit – black boots, fishnet tights, white tutu, red velvet corset with white maribou feather trim, and of course a Santa hat.

IMG_8478Our path was all laid out – first we went to Aloft Bar, then Whole Foods (who were INCREDIBLY HOSPITABLE), followed by The Monte Vista Inn, and finally landing at The Blue Pheasant.

Everyone was dressed up in various Santa garb. My favorite was a duo – a flattened grandma and the reindeer who ran her over. Perfect! Love everyone’s creativity!

I got run over by the reindeer myself… note the hoof print on my chest!

IMG_8484At Paul & Eddie’s, I switched from drinking beer to drinking 4 olive gin martinis.

And that’s what did me in.

By the time we got to The Blue Pheasant, I was incapable of using my phone to arrange for a Lyft so I had to get a ride home from a nice gentleman who was kind enough to offer me a ride.

And then I was too drunk to give him directions.

He had to use an app to get me home.

Sigh.

I’m really embarrassed to say that I actually remember farting in his car on the ride home.

HUMILIATION!!!

Jesus, was I DRUNK!

So lesson learned: Santa Con is a marathon, not a sprint.

Drink accordingly!