The pickle pouch

5681db484a9d8b0c63101aa9877d1722I have a love-hate relationship with condoms.

On the one hand I love what they do – prevent unintended pregnancy and the transmission of nasty old STDs.

On the other hand I hate for they feel – like I’m trying to pick up a dime with rubber gloves on.  There’s not much sensation.

But recently, I read MyLifeOnMatchAndMore’s enthusiastic blog post on “For the Love of Lube” and I couldn’t help but follow her link to Lucky Bloke, who sells variety packs of condoms and lube.

(Incidentally lube (Gun Oil) is something I have ALWAYS loved)

It started me thinking.  Maybe the next generation of condoms are superior to the ones I’m used to.  Maybe, just maybe I can learn to love condoms again.

Lucky Bloke has several awesome variety packs available:

  1. Non latex – For the sensitive among us.
  2. Smaller fit – For those challenged in the cock department (just remember size doesn’t matter?).
  3. Standard – For the average man.
  4. Mixed sizes – When you don’t know what size you are.
  5. Japanese Ultra thin – The very best in ultra thin.
  6. Flavored – Really?  Why?  Nevermind.
  7. Ultra thin – Ultra thin.  ‘Nuff said.
  8. Pleasure shaped – Condoms aren’t just ribbed anymore.
  9. Textured – like wearing an argyle sweater on your cock.

Maybe I can learn to love condoms a little more and hate them a little less.

 

The pickle pouch

5681db484a9d8b0c63101aa9877d1722I have a love-hate relationship with condoms.

On the one hand I love what they do – prevent unintended pregnancy and the transmission of nasty old STDs.

On the other hand I hate for they feel – like I’m trying to pick up a dime with rubber gloves on.  There’s not much sensation.

But recently, I read MyLifeOnMatchAndMore’s enthusiastic blog post on “For the Love of Lube” and I couldn’t help but follow her link to Lucky Bloke, who sells variety packs of condoms and lube.

(Incidentally lube (Gun Oil) is something I have ALWAYS loved)

It started me thinking.  Maybe the next generation of condoms are superior to the ones I’m used to.  Maybe, just maybe I can learn to love condoms again.

Lucky Bloke has several awesome variety packs available:

  1. Non latex – For the sensitive among us.
  2. Smaller fit – For those challenged in the cock department (just remember size doesn’t matter?).
  3. Standard – For the average man.
  4. Mixed sizes – When you don’t know what size you are.
  5. Japanese Ultra thin – The very best in ultra thin.
  6. Flavored – Really?  Why?  Nevermind.
  7. Ultra thin – Ultra thin.  ‘Nuff said.
  8. Pleasure shaped – Condoms aren’t just ribbed anymore.
  9. Textured – like wearing an argyle sweater on your cock.

Maybe I can learn to love condoms a little more and hate them a little less.

 

Pap

So I’m at my gynecologist’s office getting my annual pap smear and I’m dreading it.

Imagine putting your feet in stirrups, having someone sit between your legs, insert a cold speculum, then brush your poor sensitive cervix with a bristle brush. . . all the while you are being told to relax.

Yeah, right.

So there I am, assuming the position when my doctor starts asking me questions.

Her:  When was the last time you had your period?

Me:  I don’t know. Maybe four months ago.

Her:  Could you be pregnant?

Me:  Only if you believe in immaculate conceptions.

Her:  Okay.  When was the last time you put in your nuvo ring?

Me:  Maybe six months ago.

Her:  I’m asking because I see you have a nuvo ring in right now.

Me:  [silence]

Me:  [blush with embarrassment]

Me:  I had no idea.  I forgot. . .

Just so you know, the remedy for leaving your birth control ring in for 6 months (it only lasts one month) is taking two pregnancy tests, making sure they’re negative (they were) and then putting in a new nuvo ring.

There is no remedy for the embarrassment.

Alternative Birth Control

I tend to be a spontaneous kind of person.

Which is wonderful if you’re my friend and you want to have fun but bad for meeting men.

That is to say, it’s GREAT for the men to have me spontaneously LEAP into bed with them but it’s bad for creating actual relationships.

Because of this, I’ve evolved some alternative techniques to help me keep my lustful urges under control.

They may seem odd, but believe me, they work.

Case in point – my date with The Israeli this weekend.

We are making out on his couch and he is ABSOLUTELY CONFOUNDED BY MY JACKET.

I’m wearing a wool jacket and it’s buttoned up AND the belt is knotted around my waist.

jacketI’m telling you, it took him a good 10 minutes to get me out of that jacket. With much laughter and giggling on our parts.

Enter birth control level 2 – I’m wearing a scuba dress (think high neckline, sleeveless, high density lycra).

dressBasically, there is virtually no area of my body that he can get to without GREAT effort.

It was fun to watch him struggle with it.

But eventually, it came off.

No laughing or giggling this time. Just a lot of heavy breathing.

Enter the final level of alternative birth control.

The granny panty.

pantiesYes indeed. The kind of underwear that is super comfortable but ultimately very ugly. It’s birth control effect is only felt by the wearer (in this case, me) in order to dissuade me from being caught dead in such ugly undies.

I took them off my own self and slipped into my backup sexy panties which I brought with me for just such an occasion.

panties2I’m not saying it’s a perfect system of birth control.

Just that if he can get through 3 levels of alternative birth control measures, he deserves some candy.

God bless vasectomies

vasRecently, I’ve run into a bunch of men with vasectomies.

Some of them are older and some of them are younger.

But they’ve all undergone the snip snip.

For this I am infinitely thankful.

I love my hormones. Honestly, is there anything better than going through a cycle where you’re practically gagging for it 2+ weeks a month (which is exactly what happens when I ovulate)?

Sure, occasionally I wish I was looking down the barrel of a loaded gun.

I sometimes miss the danger of it.

But having a whoops baby isn’t sexy or cool. And it’s a hell of a lot of work and money.

So no thank you, I’ll take my sausage plain, without the works…

…because vasectomies are THE BOMB!

More, please!

Getting it backwards

Monumental changes in the land of unblunder. I picked up the phone and ordered myself up some birth control. And not just any kind of birth control. That’s right, I got myself the gasket variety.

gasket1

Not a diaphram, which is a glorified trampoline…..

gasket3

Not the pill, which I forget to take so often I get my period TWICE a month…

gasket4

Not a condom, which in my experience makes any man over the age of 30 unable to maintain liftoff….

gasket5

Not an IUD, which is wonderfully effective but hurts like a mother for the first 36 hours while it “settles” into your uterus….

gasket6

A gasket – as in The Ring – which is quite small and lives in a sealed pouch in my fridge for right now. It may seem odd that I am getting birthcontrol, given my lack of SEX, but I am always hopeful that I’ll be doing some real quality mattress dancing pretty darn soon. And isn’t it the Boy Scout’s motto to “ALWAYS BE PREPARED.”

gasket2

Also, after spending last Saturday with my nose glued to my nephew Kris’ head sniffing his magical baby smell like a addict jonesing for her next hit/whiff of heaven, this is my way of telling my wicked body “DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.”

So there.

That’ll teach my hormones to think they can rule my brain!