LongDong ShagsWell

michelleToday I got a wink from a guy with the username LongDong ShagsWell.

I’m not kidding.

He sent me an email but I didn’t read it before the censors got to him and deleted his account.

Most men who date online have sweet usernames:

  • Looking 4 You
  • Kisses n Nibbles
  • The One 4 U

Occasionally, you get a guy who uses his real name as a username. Like Jack Bentley.

These are all very acceptable usernames.

I must admit, however, that I clicked on LongDong Shagswell’s link faster than the speed of light. I was thinking, “Any man who calls himself LongDong Shagswell has got to be a hoot. And probably TERRIBLE in bed.”

Sadly, we’ll never get to know.

I always find it funny when men go fishing on mainstream (aka VANILLA) sites as opposed to LIFESTYLE sites with headlines like LongDong Shagswell or Luvs To Eat Tacos.

What? Is he going to take me to a taqueria and have me feed him tacos until I have to roll him out the door to get him home?

Don’t these men know they’re barking (mostly) up the wrong tree.

There are sites for that, you know.

Age like Christie Brinkley

I went to a party this week and talked to a bunch of people.

As is typical for me, I tended to hang out with my friends instead of meeting new people, which is the WHOLE POINT of a party.

[No wonder I’m single.]

While I was there, an older woman approached me and gave me a lovely compliment.

She told me I had great skin.

I thanked her and told her my secret: SUNBLOCK and YOUTH.

I grew up in California.

I remember being a teenager and slathering myself with baby oil while laying out in the backyard.

But ever since I worked in a spa in my 20s, I’ve religiously applied sunblock every day.

I don’t avoid the sun though.

I go to Burning Man, after all.

It’s nothing but sun and dust.

When it comes to my youthful appearance, I like to quote Carrie Fisher:

It’s just a matter of time until I look older.

I miss my 19-year old EVERYTHING!

And although I’m quite pleased with what my DNA has made me into, it’s impossible to ignore that I’m not going to age like Christie Brinkley.

Mommy

I’ve been waiting for the right moment to tell this story.

It’s the story of me and someone I dated who had an infantilism fetish.

Now the first thing you should know is that I don’t knock anyone’s fetish.

And because of that, I thought well hey, maybe I can do this.

After all, I’ve got the muffins for it.

But as it turns out, no.

I do not have the composition necessary to engage in these activities.

For one, the milk has long since dried up and I’m not anxious to get it back.

I felt like a big lactating cow when I was nursing my kids.

Not sexy.

And another thing – when someone calls me “mommy” I think of my babies which is great when you’re raising kids but awful when you’re trying to get your groove on.

I politely asked him to me called “Mimi” instead of “mommy” but that didn’t cut it with this guy.

My foray into infantilism lasted all of one date.

When it’s not for you, it’s clear that IT’S NOT FOR YOU.

And that’s when I realized I was looking for something different.

Perhaps a man who doesn’t sign all his text messages with the milk bottle and water droplet emoji.

Now, you may think of this as a setback but every time I clarify one more thing I’m not looking for, and I’m confident it’s not for me, well that just puts me one step closer to knowing what I DO want.

So I can confidently say I know one more thing about myself.

I’ll get to where I need to be by process of elimination.

Thievery

I steal a lot.

And I steal from my friends and family.

Personally, I think you’re a dope if you don’t steal a little bit of the people you love and take it with you wherever you go.

It’s one of the great pleasures of life, to be able to learn new things from other people and have those skills, memories and passions continue on.

Jay taught me appreciation for craft beer and craft cocktails.

My heart skips a beat when I see a great cocktail menu.

And, I simply can’t listen to any Christmas music without thinking of him.

I’m glad a part of him stuck with me even after we split.

Steve taught me Highland Games sports.

My ability to throw a caber I owe completely to him.

And, of course, he was with me when I bought my truck so every time I see my truck I think of him and his massive chest and muscular legs fitting inside that truck when we took it for a test drive.

I stole from Charlie The Aussie as well.

I took his Australian sense of adventure and incorporated that into my blog – doing everything from going to Burning Man to running with the bulls.

I’m pretty sure he’s the entire reason why I ran a half marathon in Big Sur in 2010 and raised $5,000 for the Ronald McDonald House at Packard Children’s Hospital.

I could go on and on about The Swede.

Because of him I can say “I love you” in Swedish.

And I simply can’t eat spicy food without remembering the time he fed me a spicy chocolate truffle which had me hanging my tongue under the faucet.

He also taught me passion for hockey, and though I seldom attend games I enjoy watching the Sharks play on TV and I remember watching The Swede’s talented daughter playing goalie when I was visiting in Sweden.

But by and large, the man who challenged me the most when it comes to learning about another person’s passions is The Professor.

He taught me that accepting the status quo is tantamount to stagnation.

He encouraged me to test my edges and learn new things about myself, not just him.

And without giving too much away, I simply can’t look at Machu Picchu without thinking about him and all his adventurous world travels.

In the end, these are the pieces that are left behind with me when relationships end and I move on.

I think it’s great to hold on to the positive and forget the negative.

We are shaped by the relationships that we forge and I for one am really happy with how things have turned out, even if I’ve been turned into an adventurous, traveling cocktail snob with non-mainstream relationship goals.

DATES!

Just in case we’re keeping track, I’ve had exactly two dates since I absolutely swore off blogging my dates.

Yes, not ONE but TWO dates!

I’ve been productive.

Both dates were in restaurants I’d never been to with men I’d never been out with before.

There’s something a little scary about meeting a strange man in a new place.

You never know who you’re REALLY going out with.

Although for the record, I’ve had basically neutral interactions with everyone I’ve gone out with.

Yeah, perhaps my dates and I lacked chemistry, but overall the men I’ve gone out with have been an adequate lot.

If on the horny side.

I know, I know. . . you’re thinking, “But it’s YOU, Michelle!  You attract your own energy.”

Perhaps I am a little to blame.

Can I help it that when given the slightest flirt, men usually amplify the signal 10 fold?

Suddenly cheeky banter turns into an all-out sext fest.

Not that that is what happened on my dates.

No.

Or, maybe. . .

I really can’t say.

New Year’s Eve

Barbara told me on New Year’s Eve that my favorite Korean Spa in Santa Clara was closed.

I was crushed!

But I managed to find a new, smaller Korean health center via Yelp and before you knew it, I was laying naked on a vinyl bed while buckets of warm water were thrown on me and my skin was scrubbed with raw silk mitts by women wearing black bras and underwear.

So in other words, more of what I was used to.

Noodles of dead skin came off me and as usual, I found myself trying to explain to my technician that I really do shower every day and wash myself.

She seemed unconvinced.

After the scrub, I got a massage with baby oil and left the Korean Spa feeling fresh as a daisy and soft as a baby’s bottom.

I went to the salon and got my hair done.

It was New Year’s Eve after all, and I was determined to get all dolled up.

I put on my mermaid ombré sequin gown which fades from gold on top to turquoise on the bottom, I slipped on a pair of sparkly shoes, and I hopped in the car with friends to get the party started.

We had a nice dinner in Santa Cruz before heading to a private NYE party in Aptos, which was OFF THE HOOK FUN!

There was a champagne toast and a balloon drop and I managed to hug and kiss many MANY people to ring in the good year.

I’ve decided that my overarching goal for 2020 will be to keep the momentum from NYE alive as I make my way through the year.

Be generous with my hugs and kisses.

Be thankful for my family and friends.

And look for ways to bring more pleasure and happiness into this world.

2020 Resolutions

In 2018, I made a series of resolutions I kept:

  1.  Drink more beer.
  2. Spend more time with family and friends.
  3. Watch more Supernatural.
  4. Write more.
  5. Be unapologetic about my life experiences.
  6. Go to unSCruz.
  7. Be open to dating men who fall outside my usual parameters.
  8. Say yes to new experiences more often.
  9. Take care of the people closest to me.
  10. Love more.  Love easily.  This world will not suffer for a little more love in it.

I didn’t make any resolutions in 2019, but I’m back for 2020 and ready to make a few more resolutions:

  1. Dance as if your life depends on it.  It’s good for you.
  2. Make love more. Don’t be stingy with affection.
  3. Don’t worry about what other people are thinking.  Live your life YOUR way.
  4. Recognize that the universe may be pointing you in a different direction than the direction you think you’re headed in and trust in that path.
  5. Be flexible.  Maybe the image of what you think your life should be like is what’s making everything seem so complicated and difficult.
  6. Join some clubs, especially ones which support and develop the skills of women.
  7. Find new passions.  There’s so much out there to enjoy, keep looking for new and exciting ways to live your life.
  8. Take a creative writing class.  Learn how to write a book.
  9. Travel more.  Hit Ireland with your sister.  Get out and explore more, not just locally but internationally.
  10. Be thankful for everything you have.

So there you have it, my 2020 New Year’s resolutions in a nutshell.  I did pretty good in previous years so here’s hoping my 2020 is just as successful as years past.

 

Happy 2020!

It’s 2020 and so far the year has started off with a bang.

Or four bangs in four days.

So much is going on!

I had a lovely New Year’s Eve.

I primped before the event with a scrub and an oily massage at the Korean Spa.

Then I got my hair done.

I got all dolled up and went to a party in Aptos where there was a champagne toast, livestreaming of the ball drop AND a balloon drop.

So much fun was had!

I even ran into a gentleman I met in the summer of 2018 who I lost track of but never forgot.

He was my first kiss of 2020!

I let the blog go by the wayside while I’ve enjoyed my time off but it’s time to return to the regularly scheduled broadcasting.

I hope you too are enjoying your 2020!

Happy New Year!