Foot in Mouth

So there I am, sipping a beer with a nice gentleman, chatting casually about Burning Man when he asked me a question.

I HEARD him ask, “So what’s was your favorite part of Burning Man?

My response?

The sex.

You just can’t save me from myself, can you?

He leaned in closer to me and asked, “Like sex on the beach?”

Wait!

What did you just ask me?

APPARENTLY, he asked me what was my favorite DRINK at Burning Man.

Oops!

So.

Now he knows that I’m a horn dog.

Also?

He knows I’m honest to a fault.

That must count for something!

Abstinence

Lately, my life has been a story of misfires.

I scheduled TWO dates with one guy and they BOTH got cancelled the day of.

And then there was another date where the guy told me he was too sick to show up 2 hours before we were supposed to meet.

Now he’s trying to reschedule, and I’m not feeling that generous.

The other guy?

The one who cancelled twice?

Well, he sent me a string a very sexy text messages which makes me think that if I DO reschedule with him, it better be after my abstinence stint is OVER.

I do not think I can trust him to not make a move.

Furthermore, I believe that if he does make a move, I will be helpless to resist.

Remember that I am voraciously hungry right now.

They say that the universe doesn’t give you want you WANT, it gives you what you NEED and right now, I guess I need to be alone.

No dates.

No temptation.

Just me and my solo act.

Ahem.

With the way the universe is working itself out for me, I wouldn’t be surprised if The Swede doesn’t make it to California in December.

Because he’s my loop hole.

My get out of jail card.

My hall pass lover.

I’m not attached to any outcome however.

I’m too old and I’ve learned too much to hold on tightly to what I want to have happen.

If it happens, nice.

If it doesn’t, too bad.

I believe in the wisdom of the universe and what it’s handing out to me right now is EXACTLY what I need.

Abstinence.

Bummed out

Some sad news here.

First of all, I’ve been diagnosed as pre-diabetic.

Also, my blood pressure is intermittently high.

So there’s that.

Of course, instead of changing the medication I’m on which causes weight gain and all it’s lovely side effects, my doctors have opted to put me on a DIET.

I hate that word.

They’ve enrolled me in the most successful program they have – an 82 week MEAL REPLACEMENT plan.

Oh, don’t worry!

It’s not like I have to survive on shakes for 82 weeks.

No.

It’s only 4 FUCKING MONTHS OF MEAL REPLACEMENTS.

Then I get to start eating real food again.

Oy vey!

How am I going to do this?

Well, I’ll tell you one thing – I’m not going to try to do it over the holidays.

No.

That’s like setting myself up for failure.

I start on January 8th – the day my abstinence comes to a close.

Wouldn’t you know it?

Go off one diet, start another!

The other sad news I have is that I’ve been passed over for a promotion in my department.

I’m rather bummed because I felt that the position was PERFECT for me and would provide me with new challenges and opportunities to excel in my work.

Sadly, that is not the case.

So needless to say with all this bad news, I’m a little sad.

Bummed out, so to speak.

If you’re inclined, send a kind thought my way.

I could sure use them!

3rd and 9

The trick about taking a vow of celibacy is that I’m finding ways to skirt around the issue.

So I’m not supposed to have sex.

Fine.

I can do that for 90 days,

But all the energy I normally pour into my assignations now has nowhere to go and so it’s leaking out in semi destructive ways:

  1. More sexting that ever before, this time with good friends (potentially damaging the friendships).
  2. A strong desire to hook up with single male friends for “snuggling and hair pulling” (I mean what I say and yet who am I kidding, THIS IS TOTALLY SEXUAL FOR ME).
  3. Outrageous porn consumption (‘nuf said).

I mean, yes, I’m making it through but no, it’s not pretty.

Hopefully my single guy friends can handle seeing me naked when I sext them and will still be friends with me later.

It’s sort of a Catch-22: I want to be good and limit my sexual activities but the energy is redirected into me exploiting activities on the fringes of my sex life – hair pulling, snuggling, back scratching, kissing, etc.

In a way, I like it.

It’s like one LONG foreplay sesh that lasts 90 days.

On the other hand, it’s TORTURE.

So wish me luck.

I am only 3.5 weeks into my vow.

9 more to go!

Blogging

write2-copyIt’s funny.

At least *I* think it’s funny.

You see, I’m a blogger so everything I experience is an opportunity to write something about it:

  • Kissing ex boyfriends in RVs at SoulFire.
  • Taking a dip in the hot tubs with men of questionable repute.
  • Peeing my pants in a onesie costume because I couldn’t get it off in time.

It’s all fodder for the blog. Even the stuff that makes me look like a nut case.

Sometimes I wonder how my friends and family REALLY feel about this blog.

Oh, of course to my face they like it and encourage me to write.

But really, deep down, how do they feel about being WRITTEN ABOUT and READING THE INTIMATE DETAILS OF MY LIFE.

There’s a saying among us writers:

If a writer falls in love with you, you never die.

write1There’s another saying though and it goes something like this:

Don’t piss off a writer. We’ll DESCRIBE you.

IMG_9378

I just want to publicly thank all my friends and family who put up with me and this tacky blog – whether I’ve given you a nickname or not.

Every time I write about my friends and family, I do it with love and respect and of course a HUGE dose of courage that they’ll be okay with what I write.

Thanks to them for putting up with me.

It takes a good sense of humor.

Transformation

Initially, unblunder was supposed to be an adventure blog chronicling all the crazy activities I participate in – running with the bulls, going to Burning Man, racing cars, taking beer making classes, learning to lap dance, making glass bowls, throwing tomatoes in a big group free-for-all, etc.

It has slowly drifted off topic, as I focused more and more on my dating life.

All the strange and unusual experiences I had with strange and unusual men became fodder for the blog.

Perhaps inappropriately so, as some have suggested.

The thing about a blog is it’s a BIG challenge to write every day and still manage to say something useful.

Some days I succeed.

Some days I failed.

Hopefully more of the former and less of the latter.

Regardless, this blog has taken on topics I’m not comfortable sharing anymore.

So I’m going to ratchet back the posts and try to stick to valuable content and let my personal life recover from overexposure.

Wish me luck!

Me and the Universe

Not many of you know this but I started this blog when I was in Law School in 2005.

I fully intended to walk the straight and narrow and document how I WAS FINALLY GETTING THINGS RIGHT IN MY LIFE.

Of course, it turned into something else.

It just goes to show, you can’t pretend to be something you’re not and keep up the pretense for any length of time.

Eventually the real you shines through.

I thought I could make myself into someone classy, poised, and perfect. Instead I discovered I’m earthy, funny, and full of flaws.

I think the time has come for this blog to evolve AGAIN.

Into something with a little more soul and a little less frivolity.

I’ve been commiserating with a friend about our mutual single statuses.

We both have discovered recently that we have certain “problems.”

He is addicted to being in relationships.

I am addicted to the rush of a new sexual relationship.

It makes for very interesting conversations between us – the romantic and the cynic.

One of us fantasizes about snuggling and smelling his lover’s hair.

The other one of us fantasizes about getting down and dirty.

It’s a very interesting conundrum.

He could use a little dose of my cynicism and I could use a little dose of his romanticism.

If you merged us into one human being, we’d make the perfect partner.

The irony is, this friend hasn’t been a close part of my life for at least a decade.

But now we find ourselves thrown together by chance and circumstance.

And I think perhaps his perspective is the one I need the most right now.

Which reminds me that the universe is unfolding EXACTLY as it should.

And I am EXACTLY where I need to be.

With EXACTLY who I need to be with.

Save

Butterfly

So.

I posted “I’m my own f*cking problem” mere hours ago and already I’ve been deluged with responses from people basically saying YES.

Now.

Just so you know, even though I am right, it still hurts to hear it from family and friends.

I’m feeling a little raw.

Not a soul told me what a lovely person I am and that they’re thrilled I’m not going to exploit my sex life anymore.

No one told me to go easy on myself.

Not that I expected anyone to, but it would’ve been nice to hear a positive message.

I reached out to my friend Rob to tell him I how I was feeling.

Sad.

Sheepish.

And as it turned out, the universe gave me EXACTLY what I needed.

“Stop. That was Michelle 2.0. You are evolving into Michelle 3.0. You learn from it and become better. A butterfly cannot spread its wings and fly if it still believes itself to be a caterpillar.”

Oh man!

I’ll admit, I almost cried.

Rough times, my friends.

I’m having some ROUGH TIMES.

Save

Save

Giving up sex

So here’s The Deal.

I’m giving up sex for 3 months.

That means three months of no sex, not even a teeny little bit.

Not even the kind that doesn’t “count.”

This means I have to be celibate until January 7, 2018.

Now, there is one exception to this rule:

The Swede.

IF The Swede comes to visit, then my vow of abstinence goes on hiatus.

I rationalize it like this – The Swede happens to be the one HEALTHY friendship I have and therefore shouldn’t be included in my vow of abstinence, which is supposed to weed out the dirty boys and rebels.

I told Tejas about my vow and he just laughed and laughed.

Then he thought about how much bitching he will have to listen to and he STOPPED LAUGHING.

Personally, I think the biggest challenge for me isn’t going to be giving up sex.

No.

It’s going to be giving up the sexting and flirting that goes with it.

Because for me, flirting leads to sexting leads to sex IRL.

So we’re gonna have none of that.

Do you think I will survive?

I’m my own f*cking problem

All this time I’ve been thinking that I can’t find a good man because a good man hasn’t crossed my path yet.

But that’s a lie.

I think I’ve come across a few.

You see, I take an odd approach to meeting men.

I bombard them with my sexuality and dare them to see ANYTHING AT ALL beyond it.

Of course, the good ones run away, and the bad boys stay.

So I have a bouquet of rebels and dirty boys to choose from.

They’re the ones who value sex as much as I do.

And I’m not in love with a single one of them.

And none of them are in love with me.

Maybe, and this is a BIG MAYBE, I need to relinquish my vice grip on sex being the most valuable part of a relationship and consider that there are other things infinitely more valuable.

Conversation, for one.

Thoughtfulness, for another.

A great sense of humor.

God, I can’t believe I’m going to say this but maybe I’ve been valuing the wrong things all along.

Maybe, if I want to find someone, I need to just stop with the sexting, and the nude pics, and the dinner dates at his place and just SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!

I think I’ve forgotten that I’m a woman, not just a vagina begging for earth-shattering orgasms.

Is this what my friends* have been trying to tell me all along?

If I really want to wind up with a decent man, then I need to embrace the woman I am, not the sex that I want.

Am I my own fucking problem?

 

*Barbara, Lisa, Rob, Michelle. . .