Armchair travels

It’s been a CRAZY roller coaster month, has it not?

With everyone settling into social distancing and shelter-at-home, it’s become SO FRIGGING EASY TO SEXT IT’S LAUGHABLE.

Not that it wasn’t easy to begin with but I’m noticing that all of a sudden EVERYONE is doing it barely a scant three minutes into texting.

It’s as if we’re all cooped up and our frustrations are building to a fever pitch.

And maybe that’s what’s happening.

Too long going without.

Apparently, there are porn subscriptions being given out for free due to the extraordinary times we are living in.

Personally, I choose to do something more productive with my time and so I’ve started watching YouTube videos on speaking Swedish.

Because I’ve started learning it, so I might as well keep going.

But between you and I, I’m loving this new passport feature of Tinder where you can meet people all over the world.

Breakfast in Paris, lunch in Sydney and dinner in New York City.

Not a bad way to spend a day.

 

I could live like that

If you must know, I’m thriving with these work at home conditions.

I see my kids and interact with them SO MUCH MORE THAN I USED TO.

That alone makes me happy.

But also, I’m not struggling with staying at home because I have a lot of people in the house to occupy myself with.

I’m not nearly alone, like some people are.

And I’m scared of contracting COVID-19 so that makes staying at home A LOT EASIER.

Years ago, I would have sworn that I was an extrovert and that sheltering in place would have been hard on me.

But given the ease with which I’ve taken to it (perhaps in part by gaining 10 hours a week not commuting), I’m wondering if my older self is not just a tad more introverted than my 20 year old self.

Maybe it’s just middle age setting in.

Oh, don’t get me wrong.

I miss my friends and CAN’T WAIT to see them.

But driving my big truck, paying for gas, fighting for a (big enough) parking spot – I could easily give it all up.

It makes me think of Amsterdam in the Netherlands, where people get around by bike.

I could live like that.

Easily.

What I’ve been scoping on the internet

I can relate:

This. . .

Yaaaasssss:

And have I mentioned how much I love Scott Eastwood (a fellow burner)?

I am like this dog:

Leaving you with a peaceful feeling:

Fruit basket

I don’t think I’ve ever told my most favorite story about my father.

I had just given birth to my eldest son Duncan, after suffering through the stillbirth of my son Douglas.

My ex-husband and I were at home with our newborn and I was so intense following Duncan’s birth that I barely slept for a week.

I think I had maybe 8 hours total sleep in 7 days.

It’s was awful and exhausting.

I thought I had to be perfect and soothe the baby every time he cried.

My parents came over to visit and I BURST INTO TEARS.

Everything was wrong.

Nothing was working out right.

I was a terrible mother because I couldn’t manage my little family.

That’s how I felt.

The feelings I was having manifested themselves in a wailing cry.

My dad asked what was wrong.

I simply told him I was upset because all the beautiful fruit I bought before going in to the hospital had spoiled and wasted.

And it was true, I was VERY upset about that fruit.

My dad took it upon himself to go to the store (and I don’t think my dad has grocery shopped EVER since my mom always does it) and he picked out the JUCIEST, RIPEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL FRUIT you can imagine.

He bought two of everything they had in the store, I think, from bananas to pineapples, apples to plums.

He brought a MASSIVE basket of fruit over our house and presented me with it.

Which started me crying ALL OVER AGAIN because it was just the SWEETEST gesture.

I’ll never forget the kindness he showed me that day.

If you know my father, you know he’s not prone to demonstrate love through traditional channels.

This is how he chose to tell me he loved me and that everything was going to be okay.

And it was.

I Dream of Farms

I’ve learned a few lessons already from the corona virus, like always keep a supply of tampons in the house.

You never know when your peri-menopausal uterus will start functioning again and surprise you.

Of course, I’ll take a surprise period over a SURPRISE BABY any day.

I learned something else.

I want to own chickens.

Yes, I live on an acre and there’s plenty of space for chickens.

I have a thing about eggs.

I’m worried about running out of eggs and something about running out of eggs makes me panic (just a little).

I also discovered that I want to hoard toilet paper and propane.

Ironic, huh?

But part of my paranoia about getting my period while sheltering at home is that I’m scared I’ll go through toilet paper too quickly.

So back to the chickens. . .

I want some.

And despite the fact that right now I worry that I’m DESTINED to wind up alone and single, I will say this:

The key to my heart?

My own chicken coop.

In addition to being the perfect man.

More than anything, I want to roll up my sleeves, breakout some 2’ x 4’s and wire cutters and BUILD a chicken coop.

I dream about waking up in the morning and picking out fresh eggs from my backyard chickens.

It’s funny what we fantasize about.

I dream of farms.

Online dating in a shelter-at-home state

My experiment with profile photos taught me some valuable lessons.

Do you remember when I put THIS as my profile pic?

Well, needless to say I have learned not to expect to sip safely from the firehose when it’s turned on full force.

It was a deluge.

Here are my new profile photos:

I must admit, there may be fewer matches, but my matches have been better suited to me than when I posted my boudoir photo.

But the nature of online dating is changing.

Everyone seems more willing to text first for a while – even the men who COMPLAIN about having to text are getting into the swing of things.

I’ve hosted a few FaceTime dates myself.

It’s only slightly more awkward than meeting in person.

As a writer, this thrills me.

I express myself with words and I respond to text better than most.

I’m intrigued to see how the age of corona virus will affect online dating.

I for one have slowed down my swiping, but find myself texting longer with men than I have in the past.

It’s not like we can just meet up for a drink anymore.

Hoarding

Today I got up at 5:45 in the morning to accompany my mother to the grocery store to stock up on food.

Nevermind that we already have stores of food and beverages.

I had a hard time getting her out of Safeway.

I feel like donning my burner wear when I go out in the world right now for essential trips for food and medication – leather skirt, bondage corset, and black platform boots.

Why?

Because we’re living in dystopia.

And dystopian times call for a dystopian wardrobe, don’t you think?

I long for THE GOOD OLD DAYS before corona virus, don’t you?

I mean, having to wear a mask on my face for safety is NOTHING NEW FOR ME.

I do it every time I go to the Burn.

People are creating chat rooms and virtual parties to stay in touch and stay entertained.

I myself belong to a few chat rooms which have saved my sanity during these challenging times.

Blogging has taken a back seat.

It’s hard to write about building costumes when the very event I build those outfits for is at risk of being cancelled.

Suddenly, outfits seem wildly frivolous, even if the entertainment it provides helps me to cope with this new world order.

For once, I’m thankful that I’ve been hoarding fabric, so I can work on quilts, while I monitor my chat rooms for humor to help relive some of the worry I’m experiencing.

Stay safe at home my friends.

Keep in touch with your family and friends.

Stock the fridge and freezer and Netflix and chill, as best you can.

I think we’re in this for the long run.

 

Just for fun, my friend posted a link to a calculator which will tell you how long your TP supply will last given how often you use the restroom.  Enjoy!

Thankful

Well, sending love letters to my loved ones is still a project underway.

Given these unsettling times, I told everyone over a Chipotle dinner that I loved them.

That my children are the best things to happen to me.

And honest to God, they are.

Followed closely by the blessing of my parents.

Being adopted by them was a streak of good luck.

Of course, everyone snickered, and my eldest asked if I was feeling okay.

No, I’m not OKAY.

I’m worried.

Nervous about the future.

Suddenly I am thankful for the most mundane of things: a deep breath of air, a slice of chocolate cake, a sunrise. . .

My birthfamily too.

So if you were to ask me how “shelter-in-place” is going, I’d have to tell you I’m in THE BEST company.

If they’re not here with me, they’re close to me, carried in my heart.

And it feels good to remember how special they are to me.

Mad Props

Mad props to Andrew Lloyd Webber, Lin Manuel Miranda, Pink and God knows all the other entertainers broadcasting their art over the internet during the current challenging times.

My friend Christy posted the first video, one of Andrew Lloyd Weber singing “All I Ask of You” while in isolation.

And I listened to that song all the way through.

When will I ever watch a master musician play a well-loved song again, I ask you?

Somehow (and I’m not sure how, Lin Manuel Miranda is also spreading cheer via Instagram.  He posted his own video as well: Everything’s All Right from Webber’s Jesus Christ Superstar:

Followed by the great one singing You’ll Be Back from Hamilton:

Heaven help me, my dorky theater-junkie musical-loving teenager is beside herself with happiness.

It’s the simple things, no?

And then of course, the incomparable Pink took to the internet with her own soulful rendition of Bob Dylan’s eternal favorite “Make You Feel My Love.”

View this post on Instagram

To make you feel my love 😍 rehearsals

A post shared by P!NK (@pink) on

NOTE:  In the process of making this post, I discovered that Andrew Lloyd Webber and Lin Manuel Miranda are raising money for out of work artists via Broadway Cares.

Together

Man, Netflix and chill takes on a whole new meaning when you’re sheltering in place.

Me, and all my friends, are swapping movie titles and tv shows encouraging everyone to stay safe and sane during these tough times.

I have to admit, with all the food in the house, I am eating better than ever.

We’re talking home cooked meals and free-flowing booze.

As you have already guessed, I’m spending much of my time planning quilts.

I’ve decided that this is also an excellent time to start an exercise and diet regimen, since I am not eating out.

The good news is that I’ve lost 3 pounds in my first week.

The bad news is that I fight the urge to drink ALL DAY LONG.

But progress is progress.

Today I hope to get outside and go for a little walk.

Stretch my legs.

Get some fresh air.

I am thankful for the people living in my house with me.

They might represent potential sources of contagion, but they also keep me from getting too lonely or scared.

We’re all in this together.