Curves on the playa

I MAYBE went on a little spending spree to get some outfits put together for Burning Man.

One thing I’ve noticed. . . my outfits are getting MUCH smaller.

Where I used to put together layers of clothing, I’ve now adopted a simpler methodology.

Short shorts and crop tops.

LOL

Seriously!

Bathing suits and micro skirts.

I have ONE long faux fur jacket I wear for warmth.

But otherwise, on the playa, I’ve got to stay cool and the best way to do that is to go naked. . .

Which I’m not going to do.

The second best way to accomplish that is to actually wear as little clothing as possible.

That I can handle.

Everyone will get to see my thick thighs and my bodacious boobs in these outfits.

Oh well.

It can trigger weird reactions in people.

Not everyone likes curvy women.

But some people do.

And I swear, if one person walks up to me to tell me how “BRAVE” I am to wear tiny outfits, I’m going to make them chew tinfoil while shaving their head with a cheese grater.

You see, it’s like this:

I see curvy women wearing minimal clothing ALL THE TIME and they look great, even with all those curves.

So I figure, the only thing stopping me from also looking great in tiny clothes is me.

I love my body.

It’s given birth three times.

I’ve nursed two babies and yet I still have great tits.

It’s survived 45 years of wear and tear.

It’s got plenty more mileage left to go.

So, without further adieu, here are the outfits for Burning Man 2019:  Metamorphoses:

Spank me

I do not have a daddy complex.

I’ve never yelled “Daddy!” while in the throes of passion.

It always seemed counterproductive to bring my fathers into the mix.

I know of at least one boyfriend who wouldn’t have minded.

But enough about ex-boyfriends, more on sexual inclinations.

So, I don’t have a daddy complex but I have something close.

I have a schoolgirl complex.

That’s right.

Maybe it’s from NINE years of wearing schoolgirl uniforms at private school growing up.

Maybe I can blame it on Britney Spears.

Whatever caused it, I can honestly say that I’m about to delve DEEP INTO IT for Burning Man 2019.

Because yours truly has just gone and bought not one but TWO pleated plaid schoolgirl mini skirts.

One in purple.

One in red.

I’m thrilled that I found this new source of inspiration and I’m totally excited about wearing these skirts on the playa.

I hope someone offers to spank me!

Ooohhh. . . speaking of which I’ll need some nice panties to match, just in case.

Shrooms

Shrooms. Funghi.  Toadstools.

Lately, they’ve been on my brain.

Like how can I make a Burning Man outfit out of shrooms?

And no, I’m not creating an outfit because I do shrooms.

I have enough trouble navigating reality, I don’t need a little alteration to confuse me more.

I’m creating an outfit because I like mushrooms.

They’re cute, forest-dwelling, fairy-inspired, little vegetables which I like to eat in a risotto sprinkled with a little lemon zest.

I looked long and hard for mushroom graphic leggings and finally found two pairs I liked on Amazon and eBay.

I know I shouldn’t be feeding the monsters which are Amazon and eBay, but I really couldn’t find mushroom leggings I liked on any independent websites.

Then it was just a matter of accessorizing the outfit.

Mushroom earrings from Wish.

Mushroom necklace from etsy.

And voilá!

My mushroom ensemble for Burning Man:

Costume building

I’m looking for inspiration for my next set of Burning Man outfits.

Lately, I’ve been inspired by tie-dye, bright colors, butterflies, stars, pineapples, the color white and costumes.

We’ve established my peacock and butterfly outfits already:

Although, I am skeptical that I will wear the matching wigs on account of the playa being too dry and hot for me to actually get my hair up in a wig cap without dying of heatstroke first.

I also have a St. Pauli Girl costume which I will wear because my friend and I are hosting Oktoberfest at the No Drama Bar again this year.

Imagine ice cold brew on the playa. . .

Ah, so refreshing!

I’ve been looking at white simply because of “White Wednesdays” and also because there’s a “white” party on the playa that I’d like to attend.

My previous white dress has seen better days and needs replacing:

Although I can’t bear to get rid of it because that dress has been a good luck charm for me.

Wink, wink!

It’s so hot during the days at Burning Man that I’m really working on MINIMAL outfits to wear – short shorts, camis, sleeveless bodysuits, short cotton dresses and rompers.

Yes, I may ACTUALLY slip into a romper.

I also need to do something about a tutu.

Burning Man pretty much destroys everything you bring there and my tutus have seen better days.

So once again, I’m going into costume building mode where I look for inspiration online then build a costume around what inspires me.

Lucky me!

That time I landed a lumberjack

Once upon time, I had a HUGE crush.

He was a lumberjack.

With a beard.

And a voice like he gargled with glass.

When he’d say my name (Bombshell), he’d say it with gravitas.

He flirted with me and (of course) I did my best to flirt back.

We all know that although I enjoy flirting, I’m not always the best at it.

Sometimes I’m awkward.

Other times I’m way too subtle.

But in this case, I managed to convey my interest by simply staring at his mouth and fantasizing about kissing him.

He literally stopped right in the middle of the conversation he was having to kiss me.

Success!

And boy, what a kiss it was.

Pretty soon we were all over each other, making out and groping one another.

It’s not every day that a fantasy comes true for me, but this time around it did.

I got my lumberjack.

And yes, it was everything I expected and a little bit of the unexpected.

I got to knock an item off my sexual bucket list that night.

Guess what it was?

Busted pussy

If you read yesterday’s post, then you know that unSCruz was HOT during the day and COLD AS FUCK at night.

I literally brought one warm weather dress for the entire event.

I pretty much lived in a bright yellow sundress during the day.

At night I would envelop myself in a nice warm onesie.

Thank God for those onesies.

It would have been sheer torture without them.

The first night I was there I climbed into a FRIGID bed and literally curled up in the tiniest ball I could muster, pulled the bedspread over me, and prayed that the bed would heat up fast.

The second night I was there I shared my bed with a friend and I appreciated the warmth of another body, but it was still pretty chilly.

It reminded me of the time I took The Swede to unSCruz two years ago and I brought nothing but a black lace romper to wear to bed and it was FUCKING FREEZING at night so I wore my lingerie with a full-length faux fur jacket over it.

And socks.

I’m nothing if not sexy.

The remaining nights were not as cold as the first two, but they certainly weren’t all that comfortable either.

Especially when you’re sleeping alone.

But sleeping alone was fine by me seeing as how (sorry I’ve been holding out on you) I have a cervical biopsy this week and I’m literally NOT ALLOWED to have sex, according to my doctor.

So there you have it.

UnSCruz was cold at night and I may have cancer.

Fucking busted pussy!

unSCruz

UnSCruz came and went and honestly, I’m still recovering from ALL THAT FUN!

I arrived on Wednesday morning and got my camp set up in an hour.

After that, it was nothing but the occasional work shift and a lot of day (and night) drinking.

I think I started off Friday morning with not one, not two, but THREE BLOODY MARYS.

And one was a double!

Six ounces of vodka in a six-hour period means I was feeling no pain.

Which was great, because as it turned out I gave myself a SUNBURN on Thursday.

A bad sunburn.

But one I was thankful for because IT WAS SO COLD AT NIGHT that my sunburn helped to keep me warm (a bit).

More on the temperature later.

In any case, here are some photos I can share from the event.

Hope you like!

The upside down

Obviously, I’ve taken boudoir photos.

It was my “big adventure” of 2014.

I even posted them online on this site, just to be totally honest about the process and results.

Apparently, according to my new online friend Clinton, there is a photo missing from my photo set – the upside down cleavage shot.

Now, I’m not one to allow a specific angle to go missing from my collection, PARTICULARLY when it involves my cleavage.

Which brings me to my next point:  There will be a “naughty” photographer at unSCruz.

This photographer is well known for taking beautiful, tasteful nude images.

Perhaps he’ll even take one of me and my cleavage, upside down.

The irony in all this, is that the “upside down cleavage shot” is a pet peeve of Clinton’s, on account of it being challenging to get the picture right side up so it can be viewed clearly on a handheld device.

So obviously I’m not doing this to “please a man.”

But I am doing it to please me.

So whether I’m in a black lace bra, a hand bra, or no bra, just be advised that photos are forthcoming.

Bizarre Bazaar

I’ve SOMEWHAT recovered from the flu.

I still have a lingering cough that won’t seem to go away.

I must be healthy for unSCruz.

Can’t miss The Big Event.

I’ve gotten a TON of advice on how to get healthy:

  • Echinacea
  • Vitamin C (enough to choke a sailor)
  • Drink plenty of fluids
  • Eat spicy foods
  • Airborne

I tried to eat spicy foods, because I love spice, and discovered it only gave me coughing fits.

And coughing is suffering right now.

It feels like I’ve done a million sit ups.

I tried Vitamin C also, only to discover that other than making my pee a bright yellow, it seemed to have little effect on my coughing.

Airborne had a similar result.

So I’m hanging in there.

Not getting worse, but could certainly use a little improvement in the health department.

Especially considering that my friend Dante will be staying in my tent at unSCruz and I KNOW he won’t appreciate listening to me cough all night.

So there’s ANOTHER reason to get myself healthy.

I missed out on my Florida vacation, but I’m sure as hell not going to miss unSCruz.

Can’t wait to post my unSCruz 2019 blog posts and show you all the fun I had.

Let’s hope this year I don’t trip and fall and bang my nose on a bucket!

Yeast on the playa

white witchSo I’m chatting with my friend Heather about all things Burning Man. She is a working nurse at Burning Man so she’s seen it all and can advise me on what to bring and what to leave at home.

And her favorite things are:

  1. Vodka
  2. Tubs to wash my hair in (so it can be a community effort)
  3. Chapstick
  4. Cans of fruit
  5. Peanut butter
  6. Chips (salt tastes SO good there!),
  7. Books
  8. Bike fix kit (that I always get someone else to do for me)
  9. Paper to leave notes
  10. A cover sheet for my bed
  11. Lots of funky sun glasses
  12. At least one scarf for every day
  13. Full length mirror
  14. Gifts for friends new and old (usually necklaces),
  15. Baby wipes,
  16. Chairs
  17. A rug to put the chairs on
  18. Beautiful flowery hats
  19. Tons of vintage slips to wear during the day
  20. A foot bath set up with vinegar and rose water
  21. Delicious lotions
  22. Condoms
  23. Lube,
  24. Flashlights

And then she said something I wasn’t expecting:

“The playa is super alkali and we are pretty acidic, so it’s a recipe for a yeast infection. I always take a miconozole along just in case.”

What?! This is crucial information. I cannot have a pussy breakdown on the playa! This should be mandatory reading in The Guide to Surviving Burning Man.

MUST BRING YEAST INFECTION MEDICATION!

So I called up my doctor and asked for a prescription which she was only too happy to give me along with the advice, “It’s actually substandard hygiene practices that lead to a yeast infection.”

Mental note: Need to shower every other day, if possible.