A Sheer Disaster

So there I am, browsing through my Instagram when THIS picture pops up:

A beautiful curvy lady in ONE REALLY FUCKED UP DRESS.

WTF is going on here?

I had to take a better look.

She is wearing a see through dress embroidered with red roses. Underneath she’s wearing a matching nude bra and panty set with contrast black striping.

Is this a thing now?

First there were dresses with sheer panels.

Then sheer skirts and jumpsuits you have to wear your best knickers for.

AND NOW. . .

Now the whole frigging dress is sheer and requires you to be comfortable letting the world see you in your unmentionables.

This is why I like Burning Man events.

I can wear sheer clothes and no one blinks an eye.

I went to an Angels and Demons party dressed as a demon and the top of my dress was TOTALLY SHEER!

As much as I was tempted to go topless under it, I finally admitted to myself that my balls of steel were less steely and more squishy when it came to this.

I wore a black bandage bustier underneath it and was quite comfortable letting people peep my lingerie.

I even attended a “lingerie” party in. . . you guessed it. . . my LINGERIE!

But if you ask me if I would go on a date or out with my girlfriends wearing this dress, the answer is HELLO FUCKING NO!

Not unless I get to wear a full length wool coat buttoned up over my outfit.

And here I get confused. There’s a #MeToo movement on Facebook which asks women to post #MeToo in their status if they’ve ever been sexually assaulted.

Shouldn’t women be able to walk around in sheer clothes and underwear and feel safe from sexual predation?

Does wearing sheer clothing encourage the over-sexualization of women?

I don’t know the answer.

I suspect a PhD in Gender Studies could address the topic far better than I.

What I do know is this. . . I wear sheer clothes at Burning Man events BECAUSE it’s a safer environment where CONSENT IS KEY.

Out there in the Default World, I wouldn’t be caught dead in anything so sheer.

Black Burner Bunny

I like the idea of wearing bathing suits, onesies, and jumpsuits at Burning Man.

Spandex packs down so compact!

I got inspired when I spotted THIS picture on Instagram:

Sort of a den of little black bunnies, only not EXACTLY playa ready.

Remove the OTK black boots, add some shit stompers covered in playa dust and a pair of black fishnet tights.

Ditch the pleather mini dresses and add one plunging black bathing suit and you’ve got something more like what I’d imagine a black bunny would look like on the playa.

Then I came across THIS photo and I thought, “YAS! This is exactly what I need to add to the outfit. My harness!”

I brought it with me to Burning Man last year but never wore it.

And maybe, just maybe, I will wear my freaky spiked black leather collar.

I love it but when I wear it I can’t hug people because it pokes them.

Sad face!

I heart SPANDEX!

I have a sophisticated and highly scientific approach to packing for Burning Man next year:

Bring as much spandex as possible.

Spandex, it turns out, takes up VERY LITTLE SPACE in your supplies and therefore is very compact.

It also helps that spandex fabric is used to make bodysuits, jumpsuits, and bathing suits.

Things that are PERFECT for Burning Man, in other words.

Now.

The thing about investing in a heavily spandexified wardrobe for Burning Man is that I will be FORCED to wear what I bring.

Which means people will see me running around in those bodysuits, jumpsuits and bathing suits.

But for a woman who at least CLAIMS to be comfortable with her body, this should be NO BIG BEAL.

Or is it?

Remember last year?

I got all excited about high waisted bikini bottoms?

I bought three pairs, invested in coordinating tops and accessories then DIDN’T WEAR THEM AT ALL?

Yeah, THAT!

And I can’t use the excuse that it was TOO DAMN HOT, because bikinis and tank tops are pretty much the accepted uniform for hot days on the playa.

So here are three new pieces I’m using to create my new COMPACT Burning Man wardrobe:

Can I tell you just how much I LOVE them?!

Lets hope I actually WEAR them!

Downsizing

I took three and a half bins of clothes to Burning Man.

I like to have a lot of options when it comes to my outfits.

On any given day there were AT LEAST two wardrobe changes.

Occasionally three.

I have decided that this is WAY TOO MANY CLOTHES to bring to the playa.

And so I’m downsizing to two bins.

My full-length green faux fur jacket and my black shit kicker boots together take up one bin and they are a MUST to bring to Burning Man.

That leaves me ONE BIN FOR OUTFITS.

Which means that my clothes need to be COMPACT!

Tutus, while lovely, take up A LOT of room.

So gone are the tutus, hair falls, and faux fur.

Bring on the bodysuits, bathing suits, and catsuits.

I’ve been eyeballing a few items on etsy, which I think will be PERFECT for Burning Man.

I also happen to have a LOVELY crocheted black monokini.

Plus red and purple teddies from Yandy which only need a pair of jeans shorts to complete the outfit.

Now.

This may all seem quite CRAZY to you, but take it from a consummate consumer, it’s actually quite a big move on my part and will certainly be a HUGE CHALLENGE for me.

But in keeping with the non-consumerism vibe of Burning Man, I think I need to do it.

I like the idea of wearing nothing but bodysuits, bathing suits, and teddies to Burning Man.

Nothing like showing off a little T&A, eh?

St. Pauli Girl

I have CLOSETS FULL of costumes.

Halloween happens to be my MOST FAVORITE HOLIDAY out of all the holidays.

My birthday is just two days later so I often had costume parties growing up.

One popular costume is my St. Pauli Girl costume.

Red skirt. Black corset. Blue apron. White blouse.

You get the picture.

I’ve gotten a lot of use out of the costume because I volunteer to pour beer for nonprofits.

I donate all my tips to the nonprofit.

It’s a good way to donate my time and a little bit of money to causes I support.

So imagine my elation to be invited to an “Octoburnfest” – a sort of burneresque birthday party for a friend.

A chance to wear my St. Pauli Girl costume.

Again.

Unfortunately, the costume has seen better days.

I think I may need to retire it after this party.

So I preemptively went and bought another beer wench costume.

I say beer wench because it’s brown and green, not blue and red like the real St. Pauli Girl.

I simply couldn’t find the St. Pauli Girl costume in my size.

Hopefully, the beer wench costume will still make me popular when pouring beer for charities.

RIP St. Pauli Girl costume.

You were loved!

Beards

Honestly, I’m not sure where my love of beards comes from.

As a kid, I HATED it when my dad grew a beard.

I preferred him clean shaven.

Now, as an adult woman, I LOVE beards.

In fact, I seem to SEEK OUT men with beards.

The only exception to this rule is The Swede.

He is clean shaven and I like him that way.

Although I did enjoy seeing him get SCRUFFY at UnSCruz.

But for the most part, I’m into beards and lumberjacks.

I know this because every time I see a picture of a man with a beard or a goatee, MY OVARIES SHUDDER.

My friend Dean recently went to Burning Man.

And he grew a beard for it. And boy did I ENJOY his beard!

He looked like a bearded Sean Connery.

Totally hot!

In fact, I’d say that 6 of my last 9 lovers have had beards or some sort of facial hair.

Not that I’m counting. . .

While at Burning Man, I myself managed to hook up with a bearded fellow from a neighboring camp.

He complimented me on knowing how to kiss a man with a beard.

Little did he know how much practice I’ve had!

Of course you know what they say:

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT!

So I’d better practice A LOT MORE.

Burner Girls

I love my burner sisters.

They are by and large a group of resilient, beautiful, strong, and intelligent women.

Once again, however, I must object to the portrayal of burner women in the media.

Photographers seem to gravitate to skinny models and ignore non-mainstream burner women.

The diversity I see on the playa is not reflected in the photos I see.

And I can’t help but be disappointed.

Where are the curvy girls?

Where are my elders?

Where are my casually dressed burner sisters?

Where are the beautiful women of ethnicity?

Not everyone is a size two, young Caucasian model in full festival wear.

I follow an instagram feed called burnergirls.

And for the most part, it’s a lot of young, thin women in booty sticking out shorts wearing full festival gear.

Most of the pictures are authentic in that the burner girls are covered in dust.

I always look at their boots.

If the boots are dusty, then they’re real burners. If the boots are black, then the woman/women in the picture are models.

Real burner:

Model:

Lately, however, burnergirls has started to embrace the diversity we see on playa.

With older women:

With curvy women:

And with ethnic women:

I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see these women appear in my instagram feed.

It reminds me of HOME and where I like to be – right in the middle of a group of gorgeous burner women celebrating being at Burning Man and living our dreams.

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I’m gonna come

“But she made the most exquisite noises during lovemaking. . . “ a friend was telling me as he described the things he loved about his ex girlfriend.

First I giggled.

Then I groaned.

I am not a noisemaker.

No.

I am actually relatively quiet.

A sigh here. A little moan there. But nothing too ostentatious.

My lovers can testify to this.

The marked exception is when I feel the BIG O coming on.

Then I’m full of comments and directions.

I am also well noted for liking to say my lover’s name out loud, over and over again.

But I do usually pause before saying any name and question myself, “Is this the right name? Yes? Then proceed.”

So far, I have managed to always say the right name.

At Burning Man, this can be a problem, however.

I know people by their playa names and somehow screaming out “Synergy” or “Panther” during sex seems very comical.

The other day, I was fooling around with someone.

We’ll call him Wiseguy.

And the last thing I could do was scream THAT out.

So I stopped ALL THE ACTION.

And I said, “Wait! I don’t even know your name!”

Sort of ironic, here we are engaging in casual sex and I can’t proceed without a name.

“It’s Ethan,” he told me.

“Oh, ok,” I replied.

“Ethan?”

“Yes?”

“I’m gonna come.”

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Kankles

I ran into a new problem on the playa.

One I hadn’t experienced in previous years.

What with drinking all that water to stay hydrated, and eating all that salt to keep my electrolytes in balance, I would up retaining a SHIT TON of water.

Yes, it’s true.

By the end of the burn, my feet were so swollen I was wildly uncomfortable sitting and standing.

I’d go to my bed and lay down and elevate my legs.

My sister, a nurse, checked me out after the burn and said that I had “pitting” lasting longer than a minute.

It was AWFUL!

Now, I’m not thrilled that I had this problem and I certainly don’t want to have this problem NEXT year.

And the only way to ensure that is to LOSE WEIGHT.

So far down 7 pounds in one week.

All water, I’m sure.

But I can FINALLY see my ankles again, not KANKLES.

In case you doubt the veracity of what I’m saying, here’s a picture by Tripod (aka Kevin Price) which shows how swollen I got:

There you go.  It’s a bit of a shock, even to me, but progress has already been made and will continue to be made.

I need to go places and do things, not rest in bed with elevated legs!

Playa Romance

During my 2015 burn, I got dumped.

During my 2016 burn, I was a nun.

During my 2017 burn, I played the field.

What to do for my 2018 burn?

Why, I’m hoping for a playa romance.

Perhaps I’ll hook up with some lucky burner guy and have a wee little playa romance.

I think I’d like that.

Someone to explore the playa with during the day, experience the nightlife with at night, and romp in bed with at all hours of the day and night.

Perfect!

In short, BRING ON THE SWEDE, my sexy scorpio lover!

How much would I LOVE to introduce the Swede to Burning Man?

A whole lot, let me tell you.

I’d drag him all over the playa to experience the art, the people, and the interactivity of Burning Man.

And of course, I heart the Swede so we could have a nice passionate romance on the playa.

He was my boyfriend for a WEEKEND at UnSCruz.

Now he could be my boyfriend for a WEEK at Burning Man.

I think I’ve been playing the field for too long and I need to wean myself off of the steady stream of men entering and exiting my life.

Wouldn’t a playa romance be PERFECT in the regard?

A short term fling to remind me how nice it is to be coupled up?

Yes indeed, I’m in need of a playa romance.

Just putting it out there in the universe. . .