Happy VD!

I had a WONDERFUL Valentine’s Day!

First of all I drove my mom to the airport so I had an early start to my Friday which meant when my office closed early for the holiday weekend, I got to start my weekend EVEN EARLIER!

Woot!

Many people sent me text messages wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day.

I mean, how can you be SOUR when your friends and family pepper you with love?!

Then I took an uber to Campbell and I had a lovely dinner with Nadine before we commenced drinking and socializing with our friends for the Onesie Pub Crawl.

We hopped around from bar to bar and at each location, I drank a gin and tonic or two.

Round about 11 pm everyone headed to my least favorite spot In downtown Campbell so I called it a night and proceeded to head home.

Where I spent the next fee hours swiping right and left on Tinder.

Ah ha ha!

All in all, it truly was a lovely day and an even better evening.

I really had a blast watching people’s faces LIGHT UP when they spotted us in our crowd of onesies.

But the BEST part of the evening had to be when a firetruck filled with handsome firemen drove by me on the street and I caught the fireman on the rig smiling reflexively when they saw us.

Happy Valentine’s Day indeed!

Mermaid Hair, don’t care

I’ve been looking into hair extensions for Burning Man.

Reason #1:  I like really colorful things – just look at all the rainbows in my Burning Man closet!

Reason #2:  I like brightly colored hair.  It just looks awesome and edgy AF.

Reason #3:  I work in a place which would look down on me dyeing my hair pink or blue.  I mean they put up with my nose piercing but I’m not sure they’d survive my orange hair!

Since I know so little about hair extensions, I’m going to play around with some cheap ones until I figure out what I like and what works.

But just to inspire you, here are some INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL women with mermaid hair:

mermaid-hair1 mermaid-hair2
mermaid-hair3 mermaid-hair4

So I bought two kinds of hair extensions – a pretty lavender hair extension:

extensions-lavender

And a few brightly colored pieces:

extensions-colored

As far as the multicolored stands go, I’d like to combine the peach, lavender and salmon for a rosy look and the fuchsia, dark blue, and purple for a more “galactic look” (can anyone see me in my Galactic Pussy hat with this hair?):

galaxy-hair1

Yeah, galaxy hair is AWESOME!

Now, I just need to work on LIGHTING UP MY HAIR and then you can color me satisfied!

FYI, here is my Galactic Pussy hat:

galactic-pussy-hat

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Whoops!

I was feeling smug today.

I managed to find a pair of solid red sneakers:

And I found the “perfect” sleeveless orange turtleneck:

THEREBY COMPLETING MY LATEX VELMA LOOK!

And then, I put it all together at home:  the wig, the glasses, the shoes, the turtleneck, and the socks only to discover something was wrong:

Do you see it?  Can you tell?

The sleeveless orange turtleneck is pumpkin orange, not the fire orange it should be.

And before you go knocking the costume for being latex on bottom and cotton on top, I say you try wearing a non-breathable latex sausage casing around your toroso in 105 degree heat and then come talk to me about choosing a more natural fabric (the skirt is ventilated, so it doesn’t count).

F*ck you 6XL!

I bought a pair of black denim shorts off a website called OpenSky.com.

Ha!

Turns out it’s just a fancy cover for yet another Chinese goods website.

How do I know this?

Well, I sort of suspected when I was offered the opportunity to select a XXXXXXL (6XL).

Hmmmmm.

So yesterday my 6XL jean shorts arrived in the mail.

I pulled them out of the bag and promptly threw them in the corner.

If a 6XL in China is a size 10 in the US, then I want to know the dimensions of a woman (girl/infant) who can wear a size XS?

Seriously!

There was like 12 inches of fabric missing and FOR SURE my ass would have hung out the back, and the sides, and. . . well, let’s not go there.

It kind of reminds me of the time I was fooling around with this guy in his RV illuminated by the light from my LED kitty ears.

I was sitting on his lap and he attempted to lift me up and adjust me as if I weighed NO MORE THAN A FEATHER.

Needless to say, he tipped over and gave himself a hernia.

I’m kidding about the hernia, but not about him (us) falling over. I managed to catch myself on a cabinet, but otherwise it would have been a DISASTER!

In my mind, I was thinking. . .”Did you NOT see the size of my thighs when we were flirting?”

Of course, he was drunk (and stoned) and so the answer to that question was probably an emphatic NO!

Needless to say, Chinese clothing makes me feel fat and I’m quite sure that if I ever took a trip there and the airline lost my luggage I’d have to walk around NAKED because there would be no clothes for me to wear.

HONESTLY!

How I can feel sexy and curvy one week and fat and disgusting the next I will never know.

Fuck you 6XL!

 

UPDATE:  I did, in fact, fit into the shorts.  Tejas laced me into them and WTF! They fit!  But they are SUPER teeny and puts all my curves (and lumps and bumps) on display.

Eye Candy

I FINALLY purchased my red latex skater skirt for my Velma costume:

The costume has been just sitting at my house, waiting for me to order the skirt to complete the set.

The latex skirt is coming all the way from Russia.

I picked a slightly longer skirt than most on account of all the junk in my trunk.

I’m sure even though I ordered a longer skirt it will still BARELY cover my assets.

Which is fine.

So now, I have the following costumes for Burning Man 2020:

Latex Velma from Scooby Doo:

Lisa in wrestling coach clothes from Weird Science:

Barf from Spaceballs

The nice part about all these costumes is that THEY TAKE UP VERY LITTLE SPACE!

They each fit in a gallon size Ziploc bag, which means I won’t need to cart multiple costume bins to Burning Man.

There’s a benefit to wearing barely there outfits, besides the glaring obvious one:

EYE CANDY!

Weird Science

I came up with a new idea for Multiverse:  Burning Man 2020.

Lisa from Weird Science.

She was conjured out of the ether of men’s fantasies by two nerds, what is more Multiverse than that?

It’s been amusing putting together this costume.

To begin with, she’s not wearing a bodysuit, she’s wearing some kind of scoop neck royal blue suspender swimsuit singlet.

Sort of.

Try googling that in a plus size and see what you get. . .

It’s a hodge-podge of baby onesies, swimsuits, and some REALLY OUTSTANDING harnesses for men.

I kid you not.

Just when I thought I’d found the right scoop neck royal blue suspender swimsuit singlet, I looked at the back view and noticed it was a thong.

Uh, no.

Not even with heather gray stockings on.

So I finally found this suspender swimsuit and the designer is willing to make it in royal blue for me:

I could buy a Shermer Phys. Ed. t-shirt already created for $50 but why spend $50 on a tube top when I can custom make my own for $25?

So there you have it, my Lisa from Weird Science outfit.

Just add heather gray tights, men’s striped athletic socks and white sneakers and call it a day:

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream

It’s that time a year AGAIN!

Not only is it my FAVORITE holiday (Christmas), it’s also time for all the Santa Cons to commence.

So get your red Santa suits ready to party because it’s the season for a festive bar crawl!

I personally love going to Santa Cons.

Not just because I love dressing up.

Or because I get to meet cool new people.

No, I like Santa Con because it’s fun to see all the looks on people’s faces when we show up en masse with all our holiday costumes on!

Little kids love seeing us as we dash from bar to bar.

The awe struck looks on their faces says it all.

And because I do it every year, Santa Cons have just become a hallmark of the holiday season for me.

Like breathing in and breathing out.

This year, I’m supposed to go to two Santa Cons – Santa Cruz and San Jose.

Last year I was a reindeer.

The year before that I was The Grinch.

And the year before that I was Mrs. Claus.

Heaven knows what I’ll pull together this year.

But given my collection of costumes, I’VE DEFINITELY GOT OPTIONS.

So if you feel like going merrily along your way, look up Santa Cons in your neighborhood and join in one.

I guarantee you’ll be in the holiday spirit in no time!

Don’t make me Barf

In keeping with the Multiverlse theme for Burning Man 2020, I’ve been looking into creating a BARF costume to emulate comic funnyman John Candy.

While browsing the internet for ideas, I came across inkfall’s pic on Instagram and I suddenly knew what I had to do – get a tan short set (à la Steve Irwin)

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

A gold velvet romper from Fashionnova.com, which I can remove the sleeves from to make it more playa-friendly.

Dog ears and a tail, from the Pawstar etsy shop.

A Barf patch, from etsy as well.

And that my friends, is how I make a Multiverse playa-friendly Barf costume from Spaceballs.

My only worry is that khaki is the color of Burning Man Rangers and I don’t want my costume to be so close to their uniform that I get mistaken for a ranger.

However, if I add that spot to my face, I’m then unmistakably Barf and not a ranger, right?

Multiverse

Burning Man just released the theme for next year’s burn – The Multiverse.

Of course, I immediately started thinking of costumes that would go with that theme.

I’ve come up with a list of outstanding sci-fi movies and tv shows which I think should be reflected in my burning man costumes for 2020:

  • The Fifth Element
  • Spaceballs
  • Star Trek
  • Star Wars
  • Babylon 5
  • Doctor Who
  • Firefly

I’m sure there are others, so if I’m missing any iconic sci-fi flicks or shows, shoot me an email at michelle@unblunder.com or post a comment below.

There’s one small problem with using these entertaining TV shows and movies for costume inspiration – their iconic looks are pretty clothing heavy, which isn’t great in one hundred degree heat in the Black Rock Desert.

Other than the white and orange costumes for Leeloo Dallas, obviously:

I don’t really want to wear a long sleeve Star Trek dress, even if it is a mini dress, on the playa.

It’s just going to be too hot.

But in keeping with the Multiverse theme, I will probably tweak each costume so that I stay cool but also capture that sci-fi look.

More to come as I work out my costumes for Burning Man 2020.

Bawdy Storytelling

I happen to love some musicians who skirt the edges of appropriateness with their music.

Have you ever heard of Richard Cheese?

He cracks me up.

He takes hits and sings them Lounge Singer Style.

Hits like Rape Me (by Nirvana), Me So Horny, and Only Happy When It Rains (by Garbage).

It’s like a comedy act and a musical performance rolled into one.

I also happen to like Garfunkel and Oates – a comedy-folk duo performing satirical songs about things like blowjobs and sex.

My sister has jokingly suggested that our family song be “The Loophole” – a song about anal sex.

Today I was introduced to Rachel Lark (by my friend Dante) who, in my humble opinion, is one of the greatest bawdy storytellers out there.

Her song “Warm, Bloody, and Tender,” is about a woman trying to have a tryst with a man while simultaneously hiding the face that she just got her period.

Genius!

Have we all been there ladies?

I think we have.

And the song “You Only Live Once (The Asshole Song)” is about a woman who is trying to convince her boyfriend to let her rim him.

OMG!

Not safe for work?

You bet.

But funny like a drag queen at a Monster truck rally.

Maybe I’m just warped that way, but I love me some inappropriateness and sexual innuendo.

The best part:  Rachel Lark is a burner and performed at Burning Man 2016 at Center Camp and Dustfish.  And I got to see her.

So take a moment, turn up your speakers, close your eyes and. . .

. . . enjoy at your own risk!