Pasties

Pasties.

No, I’m not talking about the delicious British meat pies, I’m talking about nipple covers.

Tiny little pieces of feather and tassle that adhere to the nipples.

I have a bag with 8 pairs of blinged out, rainbow pasties.

Have I ever worn them?

No.

Will I ever wear them?

Not likely.

And yet I still insist on dragging them to and from the playa every Burning Man for the past two years.

They’re packed for me to bring them again this year.

I’m not sure what insanity compels me to bring them.

It’s likely that anyone over a C cup SHOULD NOT WEAR PASTIES.

And Lord knows, I’m a G!

The most reasonable cause for my insanity is that I simply LIKE how pasties look on other people and I IMAGINE that I would have the balls to pull off wearing them myself.

In reality, my balls would have to be a lot bigger for me to do that.

Incidentally, I did slap on a pair of pasties years ago when I was visiting Tahoe with a boyfriend.

I thought it would be fun for him to “discover” me wearing them underneath my clothes.

Needles to say, he was surprised, but when it came to taking them off, PASTIES REMOVAL IS ONE OF THE MOST PAINFUL THINGS A WOMAN CAN EXPERIENCE.

Rather like vacuuming one’s nipples with a super strength hoover.

Not at all pleasant.

That is all.

Outfit Inspiration

I’m adding two new outfits to the Burning Man repertoire – a rainbow body suit with fence net stockings and a glorious multicolored caftan with a gorgeous gold bikini.

I can’t tell you how much I LOVE the rainbow bodysuit.

I already wore it at unSCruz, although I wore it with the wrong kind of stockings.

The caftan and bikini I also adore and I take them with me to all my Burning Man trips, in the hopes of wearing them.

Yet they’ve never been worn.

Time to retire a few outdated outfits, too.

The only one I’m tempted to hold on to is the green nuclear absinthe fairy costume, which was my FAVORITE outfit for SoulFire Precompression in June of 2015.  That neon green hair is THE BOMB and fluoresces under blacklight.

Everything else stays the same, which makes it easy for me to create my Inventory Binder – cut, copy, paste.

I’m tempted, between now and the Burn – less than 100 days away now – to work on one new costume.

We’ll just have to see what inspiration strikes me.

Save

Geeking out

The Swede might be back in the Bay Area for the 3rd week in June and I am looking up fun and cool stuff we can do together.

In the middle of my search, I came across Suicide Girl’s Blackheart Burlesque in Santa Cruz at the Catalyst Club.

It’s billed as a “creative/sexy performance with a geeky twist” and I literally am going to drag The Swede kicking and screaming to watch semi nude women prance around the dance floor and show us their moves.

[That’s a joke, btw. He doesn’t object to it at all.]

Hopefully he can go.

If he can’t I’ll take Tejas, or Yvonne, or Barbara or Marina or Dante.

Someone will go with me, I’m sure.

I’m so sure I’m going that I bought myself my own “geek” outfit to wear: Star Wars leggings, a black corset, and a white faux fur jacket.

I also got this blinged out STAR WARS hair clip from – get this – the etsy store “Nerds with Vaginas.”

PERFECT!

Do you think I’ll fit in at a nerdy burlesque show?

Last Minute Tim Burton

At the last minute, I’ve decided to go to a Tim Burton costume party.

The thing about it is, I don’t really have anything Tim Burton-ish.

I’m not a fan, you know.

I know. I know.

Who doesn’t LOVE Tim Burton?

Well, his movies always make me feel a little bit off, and it takes me a day or two to lose that out-of-sorts feeling.

I LOVED Corpse Bride, though.

So I looked for a Corpse Bride costume. . .

. . . and couldn’t find anything that would reach me in time.

Next?

Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice!

This I can maybe fudge.

So I got a black and white striped under-the-bust corset.

To which I’ll add my black steampunk skirt or my black and white striped ringmaster leggings.

Add a frizzy white wig.

And a cute little chapeau.

And voilá

Beetlejuice á la Michelle.

Accessorize, accessorize, accessorize

My Labyrinth themed ballgown (aka quinceañera dress) is coming along nicely.

At least I hope it is since I ordered it online.

Meanwhile, I’ve been throwing around ideas on how to properly accessorize the dress (and wings).

This is the outfit:

I’ve been thinking that one of the following necklace, choker, or collar might look good with the dress:

Here’s a lovely necklace with matching earrings which goes well with the silver wings:

Then there’s this edgy purple collar, complete with D-ring.  Perfect for making a Labyrinth fairytale dress into something more edgy for Burning Man:

And finally, a lovely little glitter choker which matches the dress:

Of course, I also have these lovely earrings to go with the collar and choker which match the beading on the dress:

So my question to you is WHICH ONE SHOULD I WEAR?

Here’s a little inspiration for your visual pleasure which gives you an idea of the look I’m going for:

The good news is that I’ll have lots of friends to ask at UnSCruz which necklace to wear – from my BFF Tejas, to my friend Bad Boy, to my partner in crime Marina!  One way or another, I’ll figure it out.

Save

Fashion Trend Disaster: The Bralette

I don’t know who came up with the idea that it would be a great idea to give women bras to wear as tops without any other article of clothing and call it a BRALETTE, BUT I THINK IT WAS A MAN.

Actually, I’m POSITIVE it was a man.

Because what better way to get your rocks off than watch women run around in bralettes with ABSOLUTELY NO SUPPORT WHATSOEVER!

It’s INSANE!

Do I sound irritated, because I am?

I just did a search for “Burning Man” on Pinterest and at least 75% of the clothing that was listed was these stupid fucking non-bra bralettes.

I can’t wear a bralette.

I can barely find a bra that fits which is why I often stuff the kittens into too-small bras that make them look like muffins sitting on my chest.

I say I’m a D cup.

My friend Barbara begs to differ with me. She says I am AT LEAST A DD.

Regardless of how big my tatas are, one thing is for sure:

If you see me wearing a FUCKING BRALETTE, at least half my boobs will be hanging OUTSIDE the bralette.

OUTSIDE.

As in so much side boob you’ll swear you’re seeing nipple.

And so much underboob you’ll swear you’re going down on me.

I suppose what I’m truly ranting about is just simply getting older.

No one really wants to see a 43 year old woman wearing a bralette unless she’s a fitness model or a former Playboy bunny.

So consider yourself safe. I will not be walking around in a bralette at Burning Man.

Not in this lifetime.

I may be walking around naked, however.

Rant over.

 

 

My Quinceañera

I have occasion to attend a Labyrinth themed wedding.

And there’s one thing you must know. . .

I LOVE LAYRINTH!

The muppets.

The music.

The costumes.

And ESPECIALLY David Bowie.

So the idea of someone throwing a Labyrinth themed wedding is PERFECT and really got my creative juices flowing.

First thing, I need a ballgown.

Not an evening gown, mind you, but an honest to goodness, full skirted ballgown!

After looking online for a while, I realized that the best inexpensive ballgowns out there are quinceañera dresses.

I can’t even PRONOUNCE quinceañera, but I love the dreaminess of the dresses!

I found a lovely quinceañera dress online in about a zillion colors and I decided to go with a nice grape purple.

Isn’t it lovely?

Of course, taking inspiration from the movie, I’ve decided to accessorize it with a matching masquerade ball mask and silver wings.

Done.

And done.

So there you have it.

Another outfit crafted by moi for a wonderful celebratory event!

Color me happy (or purple)!

Save

Black Rock Desert Wear

You can’t just wear anything you want to Burning Man.

Well you can, but you might get talked to if you show up with any of the following:

Glitter aka playa herpes.

It falls off and creates a big MOOP (Matter Out Of Place) mess.  Best to stay away from anything glittery:

Look at this bodysuit and hat.  It’s a MOOP disaster waiting to happen.  Just a little glitter flakes off and contaminates the playa, creating a mess for someone to pick up.

Rhinestones.

Maybe sewn on rhinestones would be okay, but glued on rhinestones? No way.  More MOOP.

Here’s a bodysuit that’s practically begging to MOOP all over the place.  Can’t you just see those rhinestones, all crammed together, falling off?

This next one bothers me for two reasons.

  1.  It’s got feathers, which like to fall off and become MOOP.
  2.  It’s culturally insensitive.  Enough said.

Here is a pair a sequin shorts.  Another no-no.  Same reason.  Small things like to fall off and become MOOP.

My personal pet peeve – feathers.  Although they are worn on the playa, you won’t find any on me.  They blow away and muck up the trash fence.

And finally, here’s a hat with just a MILLION LITTLE THINGS ON IT!  No!  Unless they’re embedded in a thick layer of varnish this should not go to the playa.

I should mention that ALL THIS MOOPY stuff pops up when you search for “Burning Man” on etsy.  So BEWARE folks.  Not all searches can be trusted.

What goes to Coachella as festival-wear is not necessarily appropriate for the Black Rock Desert.

Think on it.

How to be a respectable old bore. . .

michelleA friend posted a link to an article titled “15 Things no Grown Woman Should Have in her Closet.

Or as I like to put it, “How to become a sensible old bore.”

Here are the 15 things the article says don’t belong in a closet:

  1. Old bridesmaid dresses.
  2. Old Halloween costumes.
  3. Truly, madly painful heels.
  4. Anything stained or holey.
  5. Bras that could double as a slingshot.
  6. Panties that could double as dental floss.
  7. Leggings that are now practically sheer.
  8. Bodycon dresses.
  9. Ill-fitting suits.
  10. Guilty impulse buys.
  11. Comically low-rise jeans.
  12. Velour tracksuits.
  13. Festival wear.
  14. Old Greek-life function T-shirts.
  15. “Skinny clothes.”

I break virtually every one of these rules – with the exception of #1 (because I was never a bridesmaid), #4 (because I throw that shit OUT), and #14 (because I was never in the Greek system).

I firmly believe in the importance of keeping things that make you feel good, regardless if they pinch your toes, are out-of-fashion, or are just a little too sheer to be worn anywhere but to bed.

That said, I also believe in the value of wearing costumes.

There’s a reason Halloween is such a favorite holiday for so many people.

And as a burner, I attend many dress up functions where I get to wear my costumes for other people to see.

They’re also nice for ROLE PLAY, just sayin’.

In any case, throw out your old bills.

Keep your old costumes.

Live a little.

Plenty of time to be a respectable old bore later. . .

Save

More Burning Man Inspired Military Hats

I’ve been working on making more Burning Man inspired repurposed military hats.

This Sunday, I cranked out a few:

My Smoke and Mirrors hat – made from 5 different kinds of black ribbon (glitter, sequin, velvet, grosgrain, and satin), black sequin fabric, wide black pyramid ribbon, and sequin appliques. Finished with silver Mardi Gras beads from Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

burning man hatMy Raspberry “beret” hat – made from 5 different kinds of fuchsia ribbon (see above), gold holographic fabric, wide gold pyramid ribbon, and sequin appliques. Finished with gold Mardi Gras beads from Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

burning man hatAnd my Rainbow Power hat which is remarkably my most popular hat on Etsy. A rainbow of ribbons is glued along the band of the hat, silver holographic fabric is added to the crown, and a bunch of sequin and rhinestone bling is added. Finished with purple Mardi Gras beads from Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

burning man hatI just need to put on the finishing touches before I upload them to Etsy – rhinestones and spikes.

Making all these hats is a lot of fun.

The only problem I have is that I’m not a good photographer.

I need to figure out how to take pictures so that the hats are at their festive best.

Somehow posting pics of them against my pink sheets isn’t really cutting it.

Last year I made and sold three hats. This year I’m working on having an inventory of 6.

Woo hoo!

So all you still life photographers out there, please share with me your tips for taking great pictures.

I need help!