Open Mouth, Insert Foot

So there I am, sipping a beer with a nice gentleman, chatting casually about Burning Man when he asked me a question.

I HEARD him ask, “So what’s was your favorite part of Burning Man?

My response?

The sex.

You just can’t save me from myself, can you?

He leaned in closer to me and asked, “Like sex on the beach?”

Wait!

What did you just ask me?

APPARENTLY, he asked me what was my favorite DRINK at Burning Man.

Oops!

So.

Now he knows that I’m a horn dog.

Also?

He knows I’m honest to a fault.

That must count for something!

Dear Future Boyfriend

Dear Future Boyfriend,

You’re late.

Normally, this wouldn’t bug me but you’re REALLY late.

Therefore I have a few things to tell you.

I’ve been busy.

Somewhere between my divorce at 30 and turning 45, I managed to cram a lot of living into my life.

I waited for you but since you didn’t show, I did it myself.

  • Running with the bulls.
  • Racing stock cars.
  • Orgasmic meditation.
  • Catered camping trips.
  • Burning Man.
  • Skydiving.

And so much more.

Along the way, I got an education about life, love, men and strangely enough BDSM activities.

More on that later.

I think giving me extra time has helped to improve my communication skills, my ability to connect intimately with someone else, and has overall made me a more suitable partner for someone special.

Here’s a few of the things I have learned.

  • Your friends are your lifeline.

It’s the person you can call at 2 am when you find out your mom is in heart failure who you can measure the quality of your life with.

  • Family is everything.

They’re always there, supporting you, pushing you on, cheering for you.

  • Boyfriends aren’t all that.

It’s true.  I want to love and be loved in return but I’m not dying without a relationship.  Matter of fact, being single has made me a more interesting person, I think.  Look at everything I’ve done to distract myself.

  • Personal growth is hard. And uncomfortable.

I’ve tested my edges.  Dated men who were totally inappropriate for me.  Explored activities (such as BDSM) which would make a grown man blush.  I can honestly say that although it’s difficult, spending time outside one’s comfort zone is where personal development really happens.

  • I know myself.

I know myself and I hope to continue to get to know myself alongside you.  I don’t believe in personal stagnation so if we push each other to do more, experience more, have more, then that’s a good thing in my book.

There’s not much more to say except that the instant I fell in love with you, I overlooked your tardiness.

Because the important thing is not WHEN we met, but THAT we met.

“Proposed”

The Swede has proposed to me at least three times.

Now, when I say PROPOSED, I mean “proposed.”

Basically, he texted me his proposal and followed it with a wink.

I find this absolutely hilarious and I can’t wait until he “proposes” again.

The thing about The Swede is this.

I like him SO VERY MUCH but given that I only see him twice a year (and lately not even that often), I don’t know him well enough to move in and settle down with him despite the fact that I like his family, his children, and I’m not against moving to Sweden.

There are obvious benefits to living in Sweden.

For one, there’s no grifter President Trump running Sweden.

Sweden has a Royal Family and we all know how much I love Royals.

On the other hand my Swedish is atrocious, I’ve never lived in snow, and it’s very far away from Burning Man.

Le sigh.

I have been advised by another Swede to take The Swede’s proposals more seriously than I am.

Perhaps they do things differently in Sweden but in the USA, if there’s not a ring then it’s not a proposal.

And last I checked, proposals followed by winks NEGATE the proposal.

It’s fun to think about though.

Which is why I’m amused each time he suggests we get married.

And The Swede has not one, not two, but THREE wonderful kids I could absorb into my family.

Get them all US citizenship.

Get dual Swedish / US citizenship for myself.

Learn to speak Swedish properly.

See, I’ve thought this out a little.

😉

Giving up dating

So, I have a dilemma.

I’ve given up internet dating.

This is a good thing.

Internet dating was damaging my view of men in the Bay Area.

I felt stuck in a porno, unable to escape.

Every man wanted sex – from the guy who described his ideal woman as someone without a gag reflex to the guy whose username was Luv2eatacos.

Fuck actually making a connection with someone.

This I think, is not the norm.

No.

I mean of course men want sex.

Everyone does.

But I think there are men out there who are single, available, and NOT TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH SEX.

Let’s call them Men-Who-Can-Make-Meaningful-Connections-With-Women.

My dilemma is this:

HOW DO YOU MEET MEN LIKE THIS?

They’re OBVIOUSLY not online.

So where do I go?

The supermarket?

The library?

Hobby shops?

Sports games?

Please, someone tell me because the only thing I hate more than giving up is giving up and doing nothing about it.

I have no intention of wallowing in misery, alone for the rest of my life.

But I also have no intention of going back online to play the nymphomaniac to men who think that women are sex objects.

Should I just leave it to serendipity or should I somehow mix and mingle and put myself out there?

Help!

I have no business dating

I have no business dating.

I came to this realization just the other day as I deleted ALL THE ONLINE DATING APPS off my phone.

I can’t BEAR to meet any more men.

Sure, I’ve met a bunch of louses lately and that’s coloring my opinion of men.

But intuitively, I know there are good ones out there.

I hired a life coach a few years ago and he used to tell me that what you attract is a reflection of yourself and if that’s true then I’m a GOD AWFUL MESS and have NO BUSINESS DATING.

If you look at my life you will notice:

  1. I live with my parents.  Granted, dad is blind and mom has a heart condition so staying with them also helps them out, but I’m a soon-to-be 44 year old who lives with Mom and Dad.  Le sigh.
  2. My finances are a wreck. Hopefully the downward spiral has completed and I am on my way up and out of the hole I dug for myself.
  3. I’m an admin. Yes, I plan events and my title is Program Assistant, but as far as my employer is concerned, I’m an admin.
  4. Not much of a career unless you count 14 years at a prestigious university as a career. But see #3 above.
  5. I have a pretty diverse sexual history which makes me unsuitable for MOST vanilla men. They either assume I’m a nymphomaniac or that I’m easy when I am neither.  It doesn’t help that I’m still unsettled when it comes to my sexuality.  I’m not sure what I want.
  6. My health is not at its best. Which is a polite way of saying I need to lose weight.  As much as I like my curves, they are getting curvier than I like.  I’m working on fixing it but I’ve got a long way to go.
  7. I’m not perfect. Yes, I know no one is perfect but in several ways, I am inherently flawed.  If I could wish these flaws away, I would but sadly they are here to stay and require medication.
  8. I can’t even keep my room clean, for fuck’s sake! I mean REALLY!  Who can’t keep their room clean after the age of 25? People who shouldn’t be dating, that’s who!  If you can’t keep a tidy room then how can you maintain a relationship?

Maybe I’m being hard on myself.

Maybe I’m in better shape than I think.

But today?

This moment right now?

I’m just completely FRUSTRATED with myself. (I was going to say DISGUSTED but that seems a bit extreme, don’t you think?)

So my profiles are deleted and the dating apps are gone.

I have officially given up.

I have no business dating.

 

 

 

Chemistry

I know what chemistry is.

I’ve felt it before.

Recently even, when I met Coke Can Dan.

It’s that sudden rush of hormones that happens when you realize that you’re clicking with someone.

It feels GOOD!

I’ve learned not to trust chemistry though.

Because it’s usually me reacting to my IMAGINED impression of who my date is and not the REALITY of who he really is.

If he’s tall and bearded, my hormones go WILD!

But like I said, I’ve learned not to trust chemistry.

So you can imagine I was shocked when I went on a date and as it was concluding, my date turned to me and said, “I’ve had a great time meeting you but I don’t think there’s any chemistry.”

I was floored.

I thought we had a nice conversation.

To be perfectly honest, I couldn’t think of anything to say in response.

I was silent.

And a little bit hurt.

True, you can tell a lot about a person in two hours, but there’s a lot still left to the imagination.

And being an introvert, my personality doesn’t always come shining through.

But, well, okay.

If you say so.

It’s not like you can MAKE somebody like you.

So I bid him farewell and went home.

And then. . .

About 15 minutes later, a text:

So there’s that.

Nice guy.

No chemistry.

Sucks.

Dating (again)

Wow!

It has been a crazy week riding the roller coaster of American politics.

I’m just getting off the ride.

And what better way to celebrate being on solid ground again than to go out on a date.

A REAL date.

Yes, with someone I’ve met online.

But this guy hasn’t described his ideal woman as having no gag reflex.

Nor has he sent me dick pics or called himself “Mr. Hugecock.”

So he’s got a lot going for him right now.

He seems to be, dare I say it, a regular nice guy.

Which is EXACTLY what I’m looking for.

Also?

He doesn’t live in Sweden.

He lives here in the Bay area.

He’s employed at a BIG social media company.

He flies airplanes.

We meet at 8 pm today at my favorite bar, the Jack Rose.

I’m cautiously optimistic about this date.

It’s starting off on the right foot.

But you never know what’s going to happen when you go on a date you’ve only met online.

He could sweat profusely.

He could be racist.

Sexist.

Or, God forbid, a Trump supporter.

All deal breakers in my book.

Wish me luck!

Manscaping

We spend a lot of time discussing women’s hygiene and personal habits.

We seldom talk about men.

It strikes me that there is a BIG double standard (duh) between hygiene habits of women and hygiene habits of men.

I’ve never heard a man worry about how he smells or tastes down there.

And let me tell you, I’ve been with a few FUNKY men.

Why don’t men worry more?

They should (see above statement about funky men).

I knew a German who believed in “taking it all off.”

Everything was so nice and smooth and clean.

I have a picture of him in naught more than a parted bathrobe that literally freezes every woman in her tracks when I show it to them.

Of course there was also Charlie The Aussie who (when I suggested manscaping to him) promptly shut me down by saying, “I’m Australian. We don’t MANSCAPE.”

There must be a happy medium.

Some way a guy can take care of business but not so much that he starts to resemble something under 13 years old.

Would it kill a guy to TRIM?

Do a little weed whacking south of the border?

And, you know, wash thoroughly in the shower every time?

Perhaps shake it one or two EXTRA times till the last drop falls off?

I know it sounds crazy but I’m not a big fan of funk.

And the truth is, men could take a page out of the woman’s playbook and spend a little more time manscaping.

There’s always the EXTRA OPTICAL INCH to be gained!

Broken

It has been SO LONG since I felt even a SMIDGE of love for a member of the opposite sex, it’s almost like I’m incapable of the emotion.

Oh sure, there was Luke AGES AGO.

And then The Pirate, who I imagined myself to be in love with.

But that was three years ago.

And NOTHING!

Should I worry?

Am I just not meeting men who tug at my heart strings or am I truly broken?

Yes, there’s The Swede who I simply ADORE.

He’s in my heart.

And there’s Coke Can Dan who makes me faint of heart.

But I’m not in love.

What’s up?

The other day someone called me “protective” and I think that’s true.

I am protective.

And NERVOUS about falling for someone.

But I KNOW FOR CERTAIN that I just haven’t felt the tug to go in the direction of love in the past few years.

Because when all is said and done, I am a RISK TAKER.

And given even a GLIMPSE of sharing happiness with another human being, I will risk getting hurt EVERY TIME.

And let me tell you this, I MEET A LOT OF MEN.

A LOT.

So why I’m not in love is a mystery to me.

Maybe I’m broken.

Birthday Sex

I had my first SLS date last night.

How did it go?

In a word?

Awesome!

He was clever, witty, engaging and funny.

He laughed at my jokes.

I felt an instant connection to him.

He was real, unlike some of the Match or POF dates I’ve had, who prattle on and on about their jobs, their income, their investment portfolios, and their cars while saying ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about who they are as a person.

Sitting across from me last night was an authentic man, available for fun and enjoyment.

And I really liked that.

I had such a good time, I hope I get to see him again soon.

And since his birthday is on Tuesday. . .

. . .we might set up a “birthday” date.

Something fun, wet, and wild!

You know me, I can NEVER pass up an opportunity to celebrate someone’s birthday!

And this gives me the opportunity to spend more time with him and get to know him better.

Win – win!