Disappearing Act

Tinder wants me back.

Clearly, I am a winner and they don’t want to lose me.

Ahem.

Or maybe they just need more women on Tinder.

Either way, they emailed me today to tell me I’m going to DISAPPEAR if I don’t log in soon.

Just like that.

I will disappear.

The app that gave me The Former Mormon, the guy who LOVES TO EAT TACOS, and the cretin who moved his glass so that he “could see my tits better.”

Oh boy!

Thanks, but no thanks.

Actually, in honesty it hasn’t been all bad.

I made three friends through Tinder – Will, The Swede, and Nathan.

So it’s not like I’ve had a dreadful time.

It’s just that Tinder is so REPETITIVE.

I feel like, for the most part, I’m having the same date with a slightly different guy at my usual hangout where I am sure they must think I’m a dating FIEND given all the dates I’ve taken there.

So I guess you’re wondering, given that The Swede in all likelihood will not make it to California for the holiday break, am I even TEMPTED to get back online to meet men?

And the answer to that is a resounding, reverberating, echoing NO!

Not in this lifetime.

I’ve just done it enough to realize that for the most part people who online date like to play the field and I’m sick of going on first dates that lead nowhere.

Physically, my dates are present.

Emotionally, they’re closed off.

I’m not sure how I will wind up going on dates, but one thing is sure.

I am DONE with Tinder.

All is not lost

Wanna know how the love life is going?

It’s not.

I’m firmly stuck in NEUTRAL, not making progress forward (nor backwards) on any relationship.

I got an email the other day through MeetUp.

A man introduced himself to me and basically sent me an entire paragraph about himself without using ANY PUNCTUATION WHATSOEVER.

I couldn’t bring myself to read it in its entirety.

It was one long RUN ON SENTENCE and we all know I tend to be a grammar snob.

So needless to say, I didn’t reply to his email.

And what is he doing using MeetUp as a dating app?

My profile on MeetUp says I’m interested in doing things with people because my friends are all coupled up and I’m always the third wheel when we go out.

Sometimes I get tired of being the third wheel.

Sometimes I just want to hang out with other single people who, like myself, want to be social but without being the odd man out.

I got a message from another man looking for a “sweet mature cuddling experience” which is something I’m ABSOLUTELY NOT OKAY WITH.

Sorry to say I need to already have an affection for the people I cuddle with.

No strangers allowed.

It freaks me out, the idea of a stranger snuggling up to me.

Smelling my hair.

Curling his body into mine.

No thanks.

Of course The Swede is still in the picture.

I’d snuggle with him anytime.

He’s the closest I’ve come in the past 5 years to having a love interest.

I feel lucky to have struck up an international friendship with him.

So all is not lost.

It’s just stuck in Sweden.

 

Life is Swede

Yes, I’m still on my Swedish kick.

I broke down and clicked on a few links and. . .

  1. I now have a bottle of glögg arriving at my home in a week or two
  2. I signed up for a Beginning Swedish language class starting in January
  3. I figured out where to buy small batch Icelandic vodka
  4. I’m going to stop by Lunardi’s in Los Gatos to pick up akvavit (aqua vit)
  5. I signed up for a few Swedish activities mailing lists and liked a few Swedish FB pages

I’m convinced, if The Swede doesn’t snap me up like the trophy prize I am, that Alexander Skarsgård is destined to fall in love with me and propose marriage.

Ahem.

Yes, I have True Blood fantasies.

AND I can pronounce Skarsgård properly.

If that doesn’t make me perfect for some Swede, then I don’t know what is.

I also decided to buy the cutest little America loves Sweden t-shirt.

TECHNICALLY, I think it’s about Swedish Americans and we’ve established that I’m definitively Norwegian.

But watch me care less about that.

This American likes her Swedes.

Life is Swede.

Scandinavian

While I was shopping for Barbara’s birthday present, my online research branched off into a tangential research project.

Scandinavian cooking classes.

To be specific, I was looking for Swedish cooking classes.

How do I make those tasty meatballs, is what I want to know.

So there I am, looking for Scandinavian cooking classes (I missed one on November 3rd in Reno by the Daughters of Norway), when I stumble across a resource for Nordic/Baltic goods and services in the Bay Area.

Woot!

On the list, there are a number of Swedish-owned wineries, breweries, and glögg makers.

And just like that, I created a trip for me and The Swede to go on – a tour of Swedish wineries:

  • Field Vineyards
  • Garden Creek Vinyards
  • Gustafson Family Vineyards
  • Sjoeblom Winery
  • Soil & Soul Wines
  • West Wines

Voilá!

Of course my plan does require The Swede to actually PACK A BAG and COME TO CALIFORNIA.

But when he does, I have a wine outing to take him on.

 

 

 

Long time, no Swede

It’s true.

I haven’t seen The Swede since I visited him in Stockholm over the holiday break.

We still keep in touch.

He called me on my birthday.

I talked to him 4 days later when it was his turn to celebrate a birthday.

Right now he’s in Barcelona at a trade convention.

He invited me to “celebrate our birthdays together” in Barcelona but I wasn’t able to pull off a last minute trip to Spain.

Not enough vacation time.

I’m trying though.

There’s nothing I’d like more than to spend another holiday break in Sweden, hanging with The Swede and his daughter, trying to learn Swedish, drinking glogg, and “cheating” at Monopoly.

I use the term “cheat” loosely because I prefer to think of it as “redistributing my wealth.”

I miss The Swede and I’m hoping he comes to California again to visit.

There’s a small possibility that he’ll be here with his daughter for the holiday break.

I’m trying not to think about it because if I do, I start planning out all the places I want to take them and all the activities I want to do with them.

San Francisco, Santa Cruz, Half Moon Bay, Monterey. . .

There’s SO MUCH TO DO and they need to COME TO CALIFORNIA so I can fulfill my desire to be their tour guide and show them all the places near and dear to my heart.

There’s so much that makes California a wonderful place to live.

And there’s people I need to introduce them to.

Just give me an excuse to plan and I’ll run away with it.

Long time, no Swede.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

So there I am, sipping a beer with a nice gentleman, chatting casually about Burning Man when he asked me a question.

I HEARD him ask, “So what’s was your favorite part of Burning Man?

My response?

The sex.

You just can’t save me from myself, can you?

He leaned in closer to me and asked, “Like sex on the beach?”

Wait!

What did you just ask me?

APPARENTLY, he asked me what was my favorite DRINK at Burning Man.

Oops!

So.

Now he knows that I’m a horn dog.

Also?

He knows I’m honest to a fault.

That must count for something!

Dear Future Boyfriend

Dear Future Boyfriend,

You’re late.

Normally, this wouldn’t bug me but you’re REALLY late.

Therefore I have a few things to tell you.

I’ve been busy.

Somewhere between my divorce at 30 and turning 45, I managed to cram a lot of living into my life.

I waited for you but since you didn’t show, I did it myself.

  • Running with the bulls.
  • Racing stock cars.
  • Orgasmic meditation.
  • Catered camping trips.
  • Burning Man.
  • Skydiving.

And so much more.

Along the way, I got an education about life, love, men and strangely enough BDSM activities.

More on that later.

I think giving me extra time has helped to improve my communication skills, my ability to connect intimately with someone else, and has overall made me a more suitable partner for someone special.

Here’s a few of the things I have learned.

  • Your friends are your lifeline.

It’s the person you can call at 2 am when you find out your mom is in heart failure who you can measure the quality of your life with.

  • Family is everything.

They’re always there, supporting you, pushing you on, cheering for you.

  • Boyfriends aren’t all that.

It’s true.  I want to love and be loved in return but I’m not dying without a relationship.  Matter of fact, being single has made me a more interesting person, I think.  Look at everything I’ve done to distract myself.

  • Personal growth is hard. And uncomfortable.

I’ve tested my edges.  Dated men who were totally inappropriate for me.  Explored activities (such as BDSM) which would make a grown man blush.  I can honestly say that although it’s difficult, spending time outside one’s comfort zone is where personal development really happens.

  • I know myself.

I know myself and I hope to continue to get to know myself alongside you.  I don’t believe in personal stagnation so if we push each other to do more, experience more, have more, then that’s a good thing in my book.

There’s not much more to say except that the instant I fell in love with you, I overlooked your tardiness.

Because the important thing is not WHEN we met, but THAT we met.

“Proposed”

The Swede has proposed to me at least three times.

Now, when I say PROPOSED, I mean “proposed.”

Basically, he texted me his proposal and followed it with a wink.

I find this absolutely hilarious and I can’t wait until he “proposes” again.

The thing about The Swede is this.

I like him SO VERY MUCH but given that I only see him twice a year (and lately not even that often), I don’t know him well enough to move in and settle down with him despite the fact that I like his family, his children, and I’m not against moving to Sweden.

There are obvious benefits to living in Sweden.

For one, there’s no grifter President Trump running Sweden.

Sweden has a Royal Family and we all know how much I love Royals.

On the other hand my Swedish is atrocious, I’ve never lived in snow, and it’s very far away from Burning Man.

Le sigh.

I have been advised by another Swede to take The Swede’s proposals more seriously than I am.

Perhaps they do things differently in Sweden but in the USA, if there’s not a ring then it’s not a proposal.

And last I checked, proposals followed by winks NEGATE the proposal.

It’s fun to think about though.

Which is why I’m amused each time he suggests we get married.

And The Swede has not one, not two, but THREE wonderful kids I could absorb into my family.

Get them all US citizenship.

Get dual Swedish / US citizenship for myself.

Learn to speak Swedish properly.

See, I’ve thought this out a little.

😉

Giving up dating

So, I have a dilemma.

I’ve given up internet dating.

This is a good thing.

Internet dating was damaging my view of men in the Bay Area.

I felt stuck in a porno, unable to escape.

Every man wanted sex – from the guy who described his ideal woman as someone without a gag reflex to the guy whose username was Luv2eatacos.

Fuck actually making a connection with someone.

This I think, is not the norm.

No.

I mean of course men want sex.

Everyone does.

But I think there are men out there who are single, available, and NOT TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH SEX.

Let’s call them Men-Who-Can-Make-Meaningful-Connections-With-Women.

My dilemma is this:

HOW DO YOU MEET MEN LIKE THIS?

They’re OBVIOUSLY not online.

So where do I go?

The supermarket?

The library?

Hobby shops?

Sports games?

Please, someone tell me because the only thing I hate more than giving up is giving up and doing nothing about it.

I have no intention of wallowing in misery, alone for the rest of my life.

But I also have no intention of going back online to play the nymphomaniac to men who think that women are sex objects.

Should I just leave it to serendipity or should I somehow mix and mingle and put myself out there?

Help!

I have no business dating

I have no business dating.

I came to this realization just the other day as I deleted ALL THE ONLINE DATING APPS off my phone.

I can’t BEAR to meet any more men.

Sure, I’ve met a bunch of louses lately and that’s coloring my opinion of men.

But intuitively, I know there are good ones out there.

I hired a life coach a few years ago and he used to tell me that what you attract is a reflection of yourself and if that’s true then I’m a GOD AWFUL MESS and have NO BUSINESS DATING.

If you look at my life you will notice:

  1. I live with my parents.  Granted, dad is blind and mom has a heart condition so staying with them also helps them out, but I’m a soon-to-be 44 year old who lives with Mom and Dad.  Le sigh.
  2. My finances are a wreck. Hopefully the downward spiral has completed and I am on my way up and out of the hole I dug for myself.
  3. I’m an admin. Yes, I plan events and my title is Program Assistant, but as far as my employer is concerned, I’m an admin.
  4. Not much of a career unless you count 14 years at a prestigious university as a career. But see #3 above.
  5. I have a pretty diverse sexual history which makes me unsuitable for MOST vanilla men. They either assume I’m a nymphomaniac or that I’m easy when I am neither.  It doesn’t help that I’m still unsettled when it comes to my sexuality.  I’m not sure what I want.
  6. My health is not at its best. Which is a polite way of saying I need to lose weight.  As much as I like my curves, they are getting curvier than I like.  I’m working on fixing it but I’ve got a long way to go.
  7. I’m not perfect. Yes, I know no one is perfect but in several ways, I am inherently flawed.  If I could wish these flaws away, I would but sadly they are here to stay and require medication.
  8. I can’t even keep my room clean, for fuck’s sake! I mean REALLY!  Who can’t keep their room clean after the age of 25? People who shouldn’t be dating, that’s who!  If you can’t keep a tidy room then how can you maintain a relationship?

Maybe I’m being hard on myself.

Maybe I’m in better shape than I think.

But today?

This moment right now?

I’m just completely FRUSTRATED with myself. (I was going to say DISGUSTED but that seems a bit extreme, don’t you think?)

So my profiles are deleted and the dating apps are gone.

I have officially given up.

I have no business dating.