Hormone Shower

It comes as no surprise to ANYBODY that I like men with beards.

The Swede, however, prefers a clean shaven face.

And this is fine with me.

He has such a handsome face.

Great bone structure!

But when that guy gets SCRUFFY, boy does it get me going!

The other day he placed a video call to me.

And his face popped up on my screen and HE WAS SCRUFFY!

My ovaries shuddered a little bit from excitement.

I LOVE a scruffy man.

Personally, I think The Swede should do it more often just to play with me.

My favorite pic of him was taken two days into unSCruz 2017 when he had an extra day’s growth and wild hair.

Of course, I ALSO like The Swede in a suit and tie, with a smooth face, and perfectly combed hair.

He does lumberjack AND business professional EQUALLY GOOD.

But let me tell you, it gets me a little excited to think of him at Burning Man, for a week, not shaving.

My Lord!

I will be BESIDE myself with hormones!

A nice little hormone shower, that’s what I’ll be taking WHILE WE’RE ON THE PLAYA!

Who needs sleep, anyways?

The thing that I remember MOST about unSCruz last year (besides some stellar “naps” with The Swede) was how FRIGGING COLD it was in the evenings.

I brought this to wear at night:

Now, there are two things wrong with this.

  1. It is obviously not a cold weather romper. In fact, I doubt any romper is appropriate for cold weather.
  2. I can’t figure out how to get into it sober, let alone figure out how to get into it when I’m drunk, in the dark, in a tent, with The Swede watching. There’s just too many straps and moving parts.

Because of this, I did something I almost never do.

I slept in the nude.

And let me tell you, I was SNUGGLED UP AGAINST THE SWEDE THE WHOLE TIME.

Why it is that men are like furnaces when it’s cold but my ass is like an ice cube?

Apparently during the night, I STOLE all the covers and The Swede had to wake me up and ask for the covers back.

Of course, I obliged.

Then I snuggled with him to warm HIM up.

Because I’m sweet like that.

This time around there will be no Swede, warm or cold, to keep me company.

I am sleeping in a small 7 foot by 8 foot tent.

I’m less than enthusiastic about my prospects for keeping warm at night.

You see, I much prefer a human body next to me instead of a pillow.

But somehow I’m sure I’ll survive.

And who needs sleep anyways?

Dressing The Swede

Assuming nothing happens between now and late August, The Swede will attend his first Burning Man with Tejas and I.

I am looking forward to it.

I’ve never had my own Burning Man virgin before so this is something TOTALLY NEW for me.

I still vividly recall waiting in line to get in to the burn in 2015 and being totally amazed at how much community already existed outside the gates.

And then when I got in?

Well, it was like sensory overload.

Everywhere I looked there was something to tickle my fancy – lights, people, art. . .

And the fist time I saw R-Evolution, well she simply took my breath away when she materialized out of the dust, like a beautiful steel mirage.

Of course, 2015 was a dusty year and (for many other reasons) the burn took a lot out of me.

So I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to introduce someone who means something to me to something meaningful to me in the manner in which I wish it had been introduced to me.

I’ve been thinking about what The Swede will wear.

It’s much easier for men, I think, to be dressed appropriately on playa.

Throw on a pair of cargo shorts or a kilt and an unbuttoned shirt, sleeves removed.

Add goggles, hat and buff and you’re ready to go.

So here are my first round picks for The Swede.

A kilt.

Just because they’re utilitarian.

And sexy .

A scarf (technically a shemaugh). Looks fashionable and doubles as a dust mask when needed.

Boots. A must have for Burning Man. They look better when coated in a few layers of playa dust!

A shirt. Rip off the sleeves so I can see The Swede’s tattoos. Sexy!

Goggles. Very necessary! Best to have a tinted daytime pair and a clear night time pair.

Sunblock. Oh so necessary for fair skinned folks like The Swede and me. I don’t want him holed up in a tent or an RV because he fried his skin in the Nevada desert sun!

A hat. The Swede will need a hat to protect his head from the sun. It gets so hot out on the playa, every little bit helps

Last, but not least, a buff. To keep the dust out of your mouth and nose during those relentless dust storms on the playa.

There you go!  Basically a few items and he’s set for Burning Man.  Fresh undies, please!  And if you want to see my full article on Men’s Burning Man fashion, check out this link!

Exciting Developments

There have been a couple of exciting developments in the last few days.

First of all, Tejas bought a 3-wheel electric scooter.

I’m totally stoked that he decided to get one because it means he can get around easier in places like the Pagan Bunny Burn, unSCruz, and Burning Man.

At least he’ll be able to move around at festivals until his knees get fixed.

I hated the idea of him getting stuck in camp because he couldn’t walk to other locations.

Let’s hear it for electric scooters!

Even if they’re made by Harley.

The SECOND development is that THE SWEDE IS COMING TO BURNING MAN.

Aside from the OBVIOUS reasons I’m excited he’s coming, I simply can’t wait to see HIS MIND GET BLOWN AWAY by all the art, creativity, community, and interactivity that is Burning Man.

Now.

This development means that I have to plan Burning Man COMLETELY different than I have in past years.

For one, I have to procure another playa bike for The Swede.

For two, it looks like I’ll be cooking for three people, not two.

And another thing – I may have to sleep in the little bed in Tejas’ RV and give the big bed over the cab to The Swede.

Finally, I may have to assist The Swede in getting outfits for Burning Man.

He’s not really the “outfit” type but my guess is that when he gets to Burning Man and sees the self-expression that is featured at Burning Man, he’ll wish he had a tutu.

Or a kilt.

Or graphic leggings.

Something.

We also have to figure out how to light him up at night.

So there’s that too.

There’s all sorts of acculturization that goes into a trip to Burning Man and with him being remote from me, planning is going to be a challenge.

Nevertheless, it’s GOING TO BE FUN!

One thing is for sure. . .

. . .we’re gonna need A LOT OF SUNBLOCK!!

Cyber Stalker

Five years ago, my boyfriend and I were pregnant.

Yes, indeed.

There I was, unmarried and pregnant.

He told his parents and my parents.

I had a miscarriage and he dumped me.

Turns out he was seeing someone new at work and they got married.

I have to say, if something like this is going to happen to anyone, this is the way for it to happen.

I got dumped for The One, not just another woman in a long line of women he dated.

And the miscarriage?

Well, it just wasn’t meant to be.

Now, I am relieved that I don’t have something tethering me to him for the rest of all eternity.

Two weeks ago, my sister told me that he had a child.

Good for him and his wife.

Now let’s talk about things that matter to me.

And I PROMPTLY forgot the whole thing.

Today something surprising happened.

His wife added me on LinkedIn.

I find this odd.

After all, we’ve never spoken and if she hadn’t taken his name then I’d have no idea who was adding me on LinkedIn.

I can only imagine that she was researching me on the internet and accidentally clicked on the button to add me as a friend instead of just closing the tab and minding her own business.

OOPS!

Who’s a cyber stalker?

Engineers

When was the last time I mentioned how impressed I am with the skills that engineers have?

It’s truly remarkable!

Sure, I can whip together a 3-day conference in a week but I have to idea how to refill my power steering fluid unless someone shows me how.

This is why I am so impressed with The Swede and Tejas.

Both of them have the minds of engineers.

They know how to fix things when they break.

And they know how to make things just by looking at something.

It’s pretty amazing, if you ask me.

Just the other day, Tejas made me a thing:

It’s a pendant for the Pagan Bunny Burn.

He made it from a picture I found online.

I am blown away, especially since I was with him when he made it with his GlowForge laser.

The laser is the size of a coffee table and I’m pretty sure if you lift the lid, it’s possible for me to sleep inside it.

It’s THAT big.

And The Swede?

Well he works with cars.

Fast ones.

He is also one of the best drivers I know of.

And that’s saying A LOT because he drives in Sweden, where speed limits are mere “suggestions.”

I’m very happy to have all this “left brained” energy in my life.

It balances me out and keeps me grounded so that when I’m making a see-through pink tutu with LED lights for Burning Man, someone is there to remind me to buy underwear so that the whole world doesn’t become my gynecologist.

Wise words!

Growing up

I’ve had no dates since returning from Sweden.

It’s not that I’m consciously trying to be loyal to The Swede.

It’s because I simply can’t stomach the quality of men I meet online.

Did you know that one man thanked me for moving my beer on the first date because (as he put it), he “could see my tits better without the glass in the way?”

Mind you, I have behaved no better.

I’m no “holier than thou” woman.

Nope.

I sent dirty pictures.

I wore low cut dresses.

And I flirted with the best of them.

In the end, online dating is not any way to make a connection with somebody.

Although, I did meet The Swede on Tinder.

Go figure.

One in a fucking billion.

And I had to import him from ANOTHER COUNTRY!

You’d think, given my inclinations, that I’d be missing all those dates, and sexting, and flirtations.

But you’d be wrong.

I’m not missing it ONE BIT.

Maybe it’s because I can skype The Swede whenever I want.

But also?

It’s because I can TEXT The Swede whenever I want.

Kidding!

Maybe he’s a big part of why I’m happy, but he’s not the ONLY reason I’m happy.

I’ve got a hundred other reasons to be happy starting with my boys.

I guess this is growing up.

Over The Moon

I turned d­­­­own a date today.

Not because it didn’t sound great.

It sounded very nice.

And not because I don’t find the guy attractive.

Actually, he’s at the far end of the handsome scale.

I know!

What was I thinking?

Well, I’ll tell you.

I was thinking of The Swede.

I was thinking how much I want to make him coffee in the morning.

And roll over in bed to see his face.

And I was thinking about how much I miss hugging him.

And kissing him.

There’s a whole lot of things I miss about The Swede.

How quiet he is until you get to know him.

How dedicated he is to his children.

How much of a prankster he is.

And so, for the first time EVER, I’m finally admitting I am OVER THE MOON for The Swede.

 

Chaos

The Bay Area is filled with engineers, on account of all the tech companies that set up shop in Silicon Valley.

When I was online dating, my bread and butter dates were usually engineers.

Indeed, my best friend is an engineer himself.

I greatly admire engineers, although I usually can’t even begin to grasp what they do for a living.

Tejas?

Something to do with customer technical account management.

The Swede?

Cloud computing.

My brother?

Augmented reality.

For someone who is decidedly right-brained, I’m impressed that I can even tell you that much.

Personally, I want to wind up with a left-brained person, to balance me out.

Someone grounded and logical.

Good at math and finances.

However, he also needs to be open to other-worldly experiences like Burning Man and regional burns.

I’m quite certain there are men who exist who match this criteria.

I meet TONS of men at Burning Man who have left-brained jobs in the Default World but who are also creative and open-minded.

Does The Swede fit my idea of an ideal man?

Well, I’ve never seen him balance his checkbook, but I did see him get dressed up at unSCruz.

And I’m pretty sure he enjoyed himself.

So I’d say he’s an excellent candidate.

Plus, I like him.

I may not understand what he does for a living, but I certainly like the stabilizing force he brings to my life.

Hopefully, he appreciates the little bit of chaos I introduce into his life. . .

 

 

 

Crash and burn

Out of the blue I got a message from someone I met on Tinder a year ago.

“Where in the world are you?” he asked.

Odd question.

“At work,” I replied.

“I was in Denmark a few weeks ago and you popped up on Tinder. It said you were only a few hundred miles away,” he queried.

“Oh, I was in Sweden visiting friends,” I told him.

He then asked me to come back so that I could go skiing with him in Austria or Switzerland.

Hmmmmm.

I don’t ski.

Never learned and I think it’s a skill best learned when you’re younger and fearless.

I told him as much.

Well lo-and-behold he used to be a ski instructor at Squaw Valley in the winter. He can teach me to ski.

No thanks, I can passably snowboard.

Half-lie.

The last time I snowboarded I broke my tailbone.

“So you don’t want to come boarding with me? We can hit the slopes during the day and explore other activities in the evening.. . .” he hinted.

“No thanks,” I replied.

“I’ll leave you alone then,” he responded.

Please.

Sorry but this girl only travels halfway around the world to meet her Swede, not some random dude I exchanged a few text messages with on Tinder a year ago.

Momma didn’t raise no fool.