This dating thing isn’t going so well

The dating thing isn’t going so well for me and I think a break is in order.

I’ve gone on dates with:

  • Virtually mute introverts
  • Men who spend $1000 on a date
  • Severe Selsen Blue flakes
  • Perverts, and not the good kind
  • Offensively racist men
  • Men who rejected me because of this blog
  • Newly divorced and bitter men
  • Divorced for a long time and still bitter men
  • Not divorced at all men (Surprise!)
  • 47 year old re-virgins

It’s all been very entertaining but also a little disheartening.  I confess I’m really fed up with online dating and am ready to try blind dates and set ups.

Or nothing at all.

Yes, this eternal optimist is more than a little disappointed and frustrated right now.  So frustrated I actually called a matchmaker and looked into getting set up  by a matchmaker.  But that little venture would cost $1900.  Um…. no thanks.

But today my 18 year kid provided me with a ray of sunlight in my dim dating life.

“It’s better to be single anyway.  That way you don’t have to buy anyone Valentine’s gifts on Valentine’s Day…”

Wisdom from a the mouths of babes.

Really bad dating advice

664677f7e1ffc2716141760a51990e59Play hard to get.  Normally I’d agree with anything that starts with the word “play” because I believe in spontaneity.  But play hard to get just sounds harsh.  What will you accomplish through playing hard to get?  Some sort of delayed gratification/suffering while you go against your desires?  No thank you.  I’m spontaneous.

Wait 3 days to call her.  Oh god, I HATE this rule.  In fact, I deliberately write off a man who waits 3 days to call.  If he’s so lacking in passion/interest for me that he’ll wait 3 days, then I’ll be long gone.

Be a bit of a jerk.  Girls like bad boys.  No one likes a jerk.  And if she does, you can be sure she’s got some self-esteem problems or daddy issues and will be a handful in the future.  Do yourself a favor and behave appropriately.  You’ll thank me for it.

Attraction takes time.  No it doesn’t.  Sometimes it can build but the initial attraction is very important.  I’ve always known within 30 seconds of meeting a guy whether I’d go to bed with him or not.  I trust my instincts.  You should trust yours.

You’re trying too hard.  Making an effort is good.  If he/she can’t handle it, too bad.  Next!

You aren’t ready.  Of course you’re ready.  You’re ready whenever you start trying to meet someone.  Don’t listen to people who tell you to wait.  If you feel ready, go for it.  Get back up on that horse and win the race.

You can always change him.  No. You. Can’t.  Love him the way he is or move on.

Stay a mystery.  Mysteries make great novels and lousy people.  If you want to connect with someone, you need to be known to them.  Share. Talk.  Eff the mystery.

Let him make the first move.  This drives me crazy.  Why must the man always make the first move.  I’ve been known to stand up during dinner and kiss a man across the table because the urge struck me.  Believe me, no one EVER complained.

Always make him wait.  If you’re making him wait for you to show up for your date or for something else, you’re imposing an artificial set of rules on the relationship that might not have good results.  Best to just go with the flow and do what comes naturally.  No one likes to wait.

 

No smirks allowed

I went on a date.

He took me to The Bywater in Los Gatos for a genuine Sazerac.

One of the best in the Bay.

And apart from him spilling his entire gin gimlet on me during an animated discussion, we had a good time.

People always ask how I can meet people I don’t know off the internet.

What criteria do I look for?

That’s a complicated answer.

For this guy, I noticed one of his photos was of him at Holi – an Indian celebration of spring.

It reminded me of when I used to go to Holi with my friends:

Before, and after:

But what I really look for is a genuine, warm and caring smile.

No smirks allowed.

Bleed

I’ve been avoiding writing out of fear of what I might write.

Stargazer is GONE.

What happened, you ask?

I DON’T KNOW.

One minute we were bowling, and the next minute he’s cancelling dates and GHOSTING me.

I sent a text message to see if we could talk.

It was read but I got no response.

What’s a girl to do except pick herself up, dust herself off, and try again?

In the last six months I have dated two men who ghosted me.

Both of them I CONSIDERED to be gentlemen and genuinely nice guys and I never expected them to ghost me.

I’m starting to wonder if I am a good judge of character, given the surprising turn of events.

I’m not gonna lie.

This one HURTS.

Despite my resolution to get back up and continue on the path I’ve chosen for myself, I find myself lingering in this sad place, mourning the possibility of affection that seemed so near a few weeks ago but now has turned to indifference.

To make matters worse, everyone keeps asking about Stargazer, wanting to know how things are going so I get to repeat myself over and over again telling people he ghosted me.

Hopefully this post will put all those inquiries to rest.

I’ve been GHOSTED.

Again.

Good at Romance

michelleSo here’s the other side of the coin – the one I don’t talk about all that much.

I’m a closet romantic.

Yes folks, deep down inside there is a soft little fuzzy kitten just waiting to find someone to snuggle with.

I know it’s not cool.

Or hip.

Or even useful.

But there you have it.

I’ve done some romantic things in my life.

I held an Easter Egg hunt in a tree house hotel room filled with Easter eggs containing sweet little compliments and promises.

  • Good for one backrub
  • I love your dedication and drive
  • Good for one home cooked meal of your choice

For another boyfriend I got a cocktail book autographed by the author so he’d have it for his collection.

And I’ve driven literally THOUSANDS of miles to hang out with the men I loved – especially Steve, Jay, and Luke – just because I wanted to be with them.

In the end, it would be nice to be a little more romantic and a little less bawdy.

Bottom line is – it’s not like I’m incapable of romantic gestures.

I just don’t have the outlet.

Right now.

Just prepare yourself for a tsunami of sex and romance when it does happen.

Bad at Romance

michelle1First of all, I have to put up a disclaimer that says my friend Michelle would strongly disagree with what I’m about to write.

But she always sees me in a positive light.

Still, take everything I say with a grain of salt.

What I want to say is that I am bad at romance.

Yes folks, I suck at it.

I’m like a pimple faced 13 year old boy when it comes to romance.

I’ve actually said to boyfriends, “wanna knock out a piece?” and “ready to clean the pipes?”

I can’t help myself.

I just happen to be coarse when it comes to lovemaking.

I’m not sure how to ask for it so I take a humorous approach.

And that’s not all I’m bad at.

I can’t seem to wrap my head around the mushy stuff – the romantic walks, holding hands, and intimate dinners.

My idea of romance is cooking my boyfriend a steak then “knocking out a piece” on the living room floor.  If I’m feeling really decadent, we’ll make it to the bedroom.

Yes, romance for me almost always involves sex.

Perhaps that’s why when you remove it from the equation (like with the abstinent guys I have dated) I am destined to fail.

I’ve lost my ability to communicate affection.

AND it’s frustrating.

But truthfully, do men really want to be romanced?

Isn’t a steak and a blow job enough to keep them happy?

Why improve on perfection, no?

I ASPIRE to be a better lover but I’m bad at COMMUNICATING it.

Maybe, and this is a BIG MAYBE, maybe it’s just been too long since I’ve been in love.

Perhaps I’ll fall in love and the rest will take care of itself.

That would be grand.

Writer’s block

It’s THE WORST!

It’s not like I have nothing to write about, it’s that I don’t FEEL like writing about what’s on my mind.

Thus my struggle.

Instead of writing about my thoughts and feelings, I’m going to write a post about internet dating.

Namely things I’ve noticed in people’s profiles that send up a red flag and make me swipe left.

To begin with, anyone who attended THE SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS.

Got news for you pal, EVERYONE has gone to that school.

Oh sure, maybe a sparklepony somewhere is living a charmed life, but overall, NO ONE GETS OUT UNSCATHED.

It makes me worry a bit when you tell me that’s your alma mater.

Pass.

Second thing:  Men who post every photo of themselves in sunglasses.

Call me crazy but I like to see a person’s eyes.

It’s the only way to tell the difference between smiling and smirking.

And I’m not one for the latter.

I like genuine smiles.

Third:  Single. No kids. Never been married.

Why, you may wonder?

Because in my experience those are the people who have been so picky in the past that no one makes them happy and you’re certainly not going to break that streak for them.

I trust the person who has tried and failed and knows the stresses and strains of having a family.

And another:  Anyone with my ex-husband’s first name.

It’s not that I dislike him, it’s that I don’t like to be REMINDED of him.

I know, totally unfair but do you want to date someone with the same name as your ex?

FINALLY:  Uses a celebrity’s photo as their profile pic.

I really don’t understand this.

If you’re not the person in the photo, don’t use the photo.

People who hide their photos are hiding something else too and I’m not down with that.

Le duh.

Dating Pet Peeves

1

Bad tipping.  Maybe it’s because I worked in food service in high school and as a barista in college, but bad tippers are my pet peeve.  I once went on a date to a fancy cocktail lounge where the bartender takes 3 – 4 minutes to mix and muddle the perfect $14 cocktail.  On a $30 bill, my date left a measly $2 tip.  I hastily dropped a few more bills on the tab when my date wasn’t looking.

2

Being late.  I waited in a wine bar for my date to show up for almost an hour once.  I ordered my first glass of wine and the waitstaff felt so bad for me they gave me a HUGE pour.  When my date arrived, he received a SMALL pour.  Ha ha.  Divine justice, if you ask me.  There was no second date.

3

Bad kissers.  You’d think by the time we reach 20 we’d know how to kiss but no, there are people out there that still suck face like amateurs.  I have little patience for someone who is a bad kisser.  If you can’t figure out it’s a game of mutuality instead of tonsil hockey, I’m done with you.

4

Bad breath.  Oh god, you know what I mean.  I once went on a date where I could smell his breath from across the table.  I always carry a discreet packet of mints with me and I wanted to discreetly suggest that he eat them all.

5

Being negative.  You know who I’m talking about.  That person who will list of 10 things that are wrong before they list one thing that’s right.  Mr. or Mrs. Downer.  It’s exhausting and draining to be around them.  Next!

7

Being self-absorbed.  I went on one date with a fireman.  He was so into himself his head fairly floated above his body.  If at the end of the date he could’ve told me anything about myself, I would’ve been shocked.

8

The alcoholic.  This is the person who sits down across from you and then drinks nonstop throughout the meal, barely pausing to eat and breathe.  Or they talk incessantly about all the parties they throw/go to and how obliterated they’ve gotten.  Yawn.  We’re not 21 anymore.

9

Being rude.  There’s nothing worse than going to a restaurant with a date and watching them be rude to the waitstaff.  This drives me completely batty.  Again, I worked in foodservice so I know how hard it can be.  I do not trust a man who is nice to me and rude to other people.

10

The cell phone addict.  I once went on a date with an attorney that was so horrifically bad – involving two standard poodles and a 6 year old.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, he kept answering his phone.  We barely said 10 words to eachother.  I’m still traumatized from that date.

Photos you should never post to your online dating profile

We’re SUPPOSED to read each profile carefully to determine goodness-of-fit. But let’s face it, the first thing we do is scope out those pics. So here are a few tips to help you get your profile in tip top shape (Mark, Grant, and John).

1.  No ten year old photos of yourself. You’re fooling no one.  Also avoid pics with excessive alcohol (see below):

image2.  No bathroom selfie (FYI, I’m covered in a honey treatment for my hair. Very sticky and very gooey.)

image3. No half-naked men shots. Just don’t.

image4. No photo of you doing something that doesn’t make sense (like eating a bug).

image5. No group shot. Boring!

image6.  No pic with your ex cropped out.

image

Cut Throat      

Ever since my renewed experience with ghosting, I’ve become a menace at swiping left on Tinder and closing dead-end connections.

I’ve developed a method for weeding out inappropriate men:

  1. Do I want to swipe right when I see their picture(s)?
  2. If yes, then I review where they are from.
  3. If they are 25 miles or less from me, I read their profile (if there is one).
  4. If they are married, polyamorous, ethically non-monogamous, in an “open” relationship, not looking for a LTR or looking for hookups, I swipe left.

I’ve been feeling like a cut throat dater lately because I’ve been REALLY GOOD at closing connections that are dead ends (see above list).

One guy called me a pet name RIGHT OFF THE BAT, which I hate!

I am ‘sweetheart’ to my friends and family but a stranger has to earn the right to call me that.

Forged intimacy is a no-no in my book.

I closed the connection with him.

Another man clearly lived WAY TO FAR AWAY (don’t know how he missed my filter), but I quickly closed our connection as well.

It pays to filter your connections post swiping too.

Sometimes you wind up with someone who is just visiting the area and looking for an easy hookup.

Their profile looks good but they’re not local.

I close those connections too.

It’s not as if I need MORE ENCOURAGEMENT getting involved in long-distance relationships, despite the fact that I’m really looking for someone local.

Everything is closer than Sweden, however.

Now, as soon as the first red flag goes up, I cut bait and run.

Pics with guns.

Donald Trump supporters.

Flaky texting.

Dick pics.

All these things set off my radar and I exit quickly once I’ve beentriggered.

I’m not being bitchy, I’m being efficient.

I’m a cut throat when it comes to internet dating.