Bonus!

One of the things I LOVE about Village Meetings is that they usually have a THEME and people get all dressed up.

Last month, our host picked the theme ‘’Orange” for his Village Meeting.

Yesterday he changed it to STEAMPUNK, on account of the Airpusher Steampunk-themed event in San Francisco that same evening.

So people can get dressed up and go to BOTH events without a wardrobe change.

We are burners.

We take our outfits seriously.

In any case, I am glad I won’t have to drag out the ONLY orange clothing I have – an orange tunic and several pairs of orange print leggings.

They are such a MOM thing to wear.

I’d look like a bad LuLaRoe ad.

In any case, I also don’t feel like dragging out ALL MY STEAMPUNK clothes.

That’s the one complaint I have about the Steampunk style – so many layers and accessories.

So I did the next best thing:

I bought a pair of Steampunk leggings off of Amazon.

I also happen to have a Steampunk-ish jacket I can wear with it (though the buttons are ALL WRONG):

I also have a pretty cool brown Steampunk hat which I got off of ebay.

A milliner at The Great Dickens Faire once told me it was “busy” but WTF, I don’t care.

Here’s the remainder of the outfit –  minus the accessories:

I’ve finally reached a point in my costume catalog that I no longer need to go shopping for new outfits when there’s a new event.

Bonus!

Of course, the trick now is FINDING it!

OBEY!

Every year, about a month before Mother’s Day, I gather my two boys, force them to wear nice long sleeve, button-down shirts and trousers (gasp!) and we head to some beautiful location to take family photos.

Last year, Yvonne took our photos and she did an OUTSTANDING job of prepping us for the shoot AND actually taking AMAZING photographs.

So this year, we’re doing a repeat!

It works really well to take family photos around Mother’s Day BECAUSE you can GUILT TRIP your children into participating.

AND since they ALWAYS forget me on Mother’s Day, this is my present.

So to speak.

It’s also perfect because I get my photos ahead of time and then I’m prepared to get my Christmas cards made long before the crush of the holidays hits.

Last year, this was our holiday card.

We chose light, Easter, pastel colors for our photo shoot.

This year, we’re going with a more saturated color scheme – navy, burgundy, and a nice deep gray:

I’m totally excited once again to actually get family photos taken and I HOPE that enforcing this one family activity with my boys will reinforce that THIS IS JUST WHAT HAPPENS IN APRIL.

They MUST obey!

Dreams come true

If it had my druthers, I’d dress the Swede in three days of facial scruff and a bed sheet.

And TECHNICALLY you can get away with that at Burning Man.

But of course if The Swede wants to let it go a little bit and cut loose, I’ve been scoping out options for him.

First of all, he did wear outfits at unSCruz last year.

My favorite was the Viking helmet.

I love everything about it – the faux fur vest, the tattoos, the helmet.

But The Swede wants a more ACCURATE helmet, never mind that it will be HOT and HEAVY in the Black Rock desert.

Here’s what I found (to the tune of $300+ and shipping from Bulgaria):

Seriously, THE BOMB, eh?

Especially for a REAL LIVE (descendant of) Vikings!

Then, of course I found some shirts, vests, and shorts which I think would look great on him.  Of course I’d rip the sleeves off the shirt and leave it unbuttoned.

In exchange, I’m willing to unbutton my shirts too 😉

Ironically, the BEST place to shop for Burning Man clothes is secondhand shops.

I’d pay money to see The Swede decked out in Steampunk.

We’ll just have to see if my dreams come true.

Junk in the trunk

Speaking of JUNK IN THE TRUNK, I worked on a project over the weekend – a pale pink tutu which I lit up with pink fairy lights.

I had to stitch the fairy lights to the tutu and let me tell you, IT WAS NOT FUN.

You try using TRANSPARENT fishing line to stitch a thin wire to the gauziest of fabrics and see how well it works for you.

Actually, what I am doing here is bitching about my eyesight, which is not what it used to be.

So, I finish stitching the lights to the inside of the skirt and I slip it on to check it out.

Lo and behold, the tutu rests 14 inches down the front of my thighs. . .

. . .and the back of the tutu barely covers my ass on account of all the JUNK IN MY TRUNK.

Of course, Tejas tried to make me feel better.

He reminded me that come August, I will be smaller than I am now because of my diet.

[Of course this didn’t help me feel better since the diet has sorta gone by the wayside.]

Look at ALL THAT JELLY!

Seriously.

You could serve tea on my ass, it’s that big!

“I’m gonna need to buy some pink ruffle panties,” I tell Tejas.

“Who knows. . . by the time Burning Man rolls around, you might be wearing a thong., “ he replied (way more optimistically than he should have given that he KNOWS how bad the diet is going.)

Optimism.

Jelly

In my family, there’s something called a Zezza butt.

It’s a really nice ass, larger than most, but perky and round.

I’ve got a Zezza butt.

As does my cousin Jennifer and my brother Art.

We’ve even taken a picture of all our asses, lined up (I’m #2 in the lineup).

Not everyone likes Zezza butt, but they should.

It’s pretty awesome.

I recall one instance in fact when a very athletic burner requested that we fool around in his RV SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE HE WANTED TO SEE “DAT ASS.”

It has slowly dawned on me that some people like curvy women.

Some people like slim women.

And some people LIKE ALL WOMEN.

I’ve given up trying to hide my body, which will never look like Heidi Klum’s, and am working on embracing all that JUNK IN MY TRUNK.

Starting with buying some short shorts for the Burn.

Okay, I DID buy a pair of shorts a few weeks ago that were (optimistically) two sizes smaller than my current size.

I’ve now replaced those shorts with booty hugging, booty boosting, putting-it-all-on-display jean shorts.

Four pairs, to be exact.

That way I’m sure to find something I like.

No, I won’t look like Jessica Simpson in my shorts but fuck, I like my thick thighs.

And other people do too.

They feel just as good wrapped around a sturdy man as slim ones.

And stuffing all my jelly into a pair of Daisy Dukes just gives me a little thrill.

Hope it gives you a thrill too. . .

Sometimes I say the STRANGEST things

As it happens, online shopping may be a more EFFICIENT way of shopping, but it certainly leads to more debacles.

Case in point, my BROWN LATEX DRESS purchase.

And now, my burgundy mandala kimono purchase.

It arrived in the mail, after being sent all the way from China, I suspect.

I intended for it to be the feature item in this outfit for the burn:

However upon inspection, it was less BURGUNDY and more ORANGE.

And not like a sunset orange, more like a MECONIUM orange.

For those of you who don’t know, meconium is the substance that comes out of a baby when it takes its first poop. When this happens in utero, it stains the baby orange.

Not pretty.

So now I have a meconium orange stained mandala kimono to wear to the burn.

Not!

So I scrambled online (again).

Because I NEVER learn my lesson.

I used ShopStyle, a sort of warehouse for mainstream online fashion shopping, and found two kimonos which I felt would replace the orange one quite nicely.

Much better, no?

But I’ll tell you this:

I had to sort through a lot of yucky and boring looking kimonos in order to find what I was looking for.

And (lucky for me) I also found a nice pink kimono/robe to go with my Pink Burner Bunny outfit.

Because it might get cold in Sacramento for the Pagan Bunny Burn and if so, I will be appreciative of having another layer to keep me warm over my tutu and corset.

You probably don’t know this, since you don’t wear a tutu with a corset unless you’re a ballerina (or a burner) but they’re actually NOT THAT WARM!

Sometimes, I say the STRANGEST things. . .

Electro Threads

Have you ever stumbled across a site on the internet and just fallen INSTANTLY IN LOVE?!

I mean, BESIDES when you fell in love with UNBLUNDER, that is. . .

😉

Well, that’s what happened to me when I came across Electro Threads.

And FYI, this is NOT an ad and I am NOT getting paid to write this.

Yes, I was looking for a wolf swimsuit on the internet.

Something big, bold, and colorful.

Like me.

So there I am, navigating my way through wolf onesies for BABIES when I clicked on a link for this:

INSTA-LOVE!

But then, I had to check out their other swimsuits.

And their onesies.

And their leggings.

And before I knew it, I was adding 5 things to my shopping cart and clicking on “BUY.”

Ahem.

 

F*ck you 6XL!

I bought a pair of black denim shorts off a website called OpenSky.com.

Ha!

Turns out it’s just a fancy cover for yet another Chinese goods website.

How do I know this?

Well, I sort of suspected when I was offered the opportunity to select a XXXXXXL (6XL).

Hmmmmm.

So yesterday my 6XL jean shorts arrived in the mail.

I pulled them out of the bag and promptly threw them in the corner.

If a 6XL in China is a size 10 in the US, then I want to know the dimensions of a woman (girl/infant) who can wear a size XS?

Seriously!

There was like 12 inches of fabric missing and FOR SURE my ass would have hung out the back, and the sides, and. . . well, let’s not go there.

It kind of reminds me of the time I was fooling around with this guy in his RV illuminated by the light from my LED kitty ears.

I was sitting on his lap and he attempted to lift me up and adjust me as if I weighed NO MORE THAN A FEATHER.

Needless to say, he tipped over and gave himself a hernia.

I’m kidding about the hernia, but not about him (us) falling over. I managed to catch myself on a cabinet, but otherwise it would have been a DISASTER!

In my mind, I was thinking. . .”Did you NOT see the size of my thighs when we were flirting?”

Of course, he was drunk (and stoned) and so the answer to that question was probably an emphatic NO!

Needless to say, Chinese clothing makes me feel fat and I’m quite sure that if I ever took a trip there and the airline lost my luggage I’d have to walk around NAKED because there would be no clothes for me to wear.

HONESTLY!

How I can feel sexy and curvy one week and fat and disgusting the next I will never know.

Fuck you 6XL!

 

UPDATE:  I did, in fact, fit into the shorts.  Tejas laced me into them and WTF! They fit!  But they are SUPER teeny and puts all my curves (and lumps and bumps) on display.

Submissive

I am not a submissive female by nature.

I once had a boyfriend who was quite the dominant and you should have SEEN the power struggles we engaged in!

I mean, I’m not one to monopolize the action in the bedroom.

No.

I take suggestions.

Just like you’d want an eager lover to take suggestions.

I mean hey, if you can IMPROVE upon the experience we’re having right now, then I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

So please, share.

That said, I recently noticed (as I was assembling my Burning Man outfits) that I have an unusually LARGE collections of collars.

Like TWENTY THREE to be exact!

I mean, is that a lot for a woman who considers herself non-submissive?

Cuz it seems like a lot.

One day, I’m going to buy myself a collar with my bedroom nickname on it and then I’ll have TWO DOZEN collars.

I can’t tell you what my nickname is (it’s not Bombshell) because my birth mom reads this blog and I literally can’t stomach the idea of eating dinner with her knowing that she knows what I like to be called in bed.

Whew!

I’m sticking them all here so that when you see them, in their entirety, you too will be struck by how SUBMISSIVE my wardrobe is.

It’s downright servile!

Losing my sh*t

In 2015, I bought the Amazon Medallion bib from Bauble Bar.

It was awesome and I REALLY enjoyed wearing it with my tribal Burning Man outfit.

But. . .

I have managed to somehow LOSE the bag that had all the items for that outfit in it.

No necklace!

Boo! Hiss!

I was not pleased.

I replaced my tribal pants easy peasy with these AWESOME threads. . .

But I struggled to find a good replacement necklace.

Everything seemed to be too cheap (from China or India) or dripping in rhinestones.

Then I found G. Valentina who makes GORGEOUS gypsy necklaces.

She had this beautiful choker/necklace combo I FELL IN LOVE WITH.

And the rest is HISTORY!