Breathless

I’ve fallen in love.

Yes, I have.

It’s such an easy thing for me to do.

I fall in love ALL THE TIME.

This handbag, for instance, caught my eye and I fell INSTANTLY in love with it.

The pistachio-caramel tropical scent of Brazilian Bum Bum Cream captured me as well:

But what I’m really hinting at, is this GORGEOUS red dress I found:

I can’t even BEGIN to tell you how much I love it!

It’s striking and I can’t wait to wear it in Florida and see The Swede get all flushed with excitement.

There’s nothing quite like a beautiful woman in a red dress now, is there?

Wearing red dresses is kinda my thing, as evidenced by this old picture of me with my friends going out for a night on the town:

And then there’s my custom-made velvet high school prom dress, inspired by Pretty Woman, which I wore to my college junior ball:

The bottom line is:

I LOVE RED DRESSES!

I can’t wait to steal someone’s breath away. . .

How many tiaras does one woman need?

UnSCruz is coming!

It’s just around the corner and I realized (late) that with all the trips I’m taking this month (to Reno and Florida), there’s very little time to prep for unSCruz.

Fortunately, I have a really accurate inventory of all my camping gear courtesy of my neat-freak mother who made me go through all my stuff in the garage, clear out what I don’t need, and inventory what I’m keeping.

As is typical, I’m mostly worried about my outfits.

I haven’t had a chance to put anything new together.

I’d go with a standard tutu and tank top but all my tutus have been recycled because they’re OLD and covered in playa dust.

Honestly, off the top of my head I can’t come up with a SINGLE OUTFIT for unSCruz save my onesie outfits (which may be hot) and my peacock/butterfly outfits (which may be cold).

There’s not much in between.

There’s no time to shop so I’m just going to have to give it my best shot and go through the bins and bins of costumes I have and try to figure out what to wear.

Did I mention I have TEN itemized bins of costumes in my garage?

Indeed.

And that’s not even ALL of it.

I have bags of outfits in my bedroom.

Normally, I’d be in full consumer-mode right now, buying items to put together new costumes for unSCruz.

But that’s not going to happen this year.

I may have finally reached that threshold where I can raid my bins for outfits and find something appropriate to wear WITHOUT going shopping.

I so admire Burners who can create outfits without shopping for new clothes and accessories.

How many tiaras does one woman need?

One, right?

Unless you’re the Queen of England.

Exhibitionist

I’ve been having SUCH A HARD TIME finding a yellow sundress.

The first dress I chose was X-rated.

All boob, no coverage.

The second dress I chose turned out to be WAY TOO BIG ON ME.

I was literally falling out of the top.

These boobs, man. . . they’re just determined to display themselves.

They’re such EXHIBITIONISTS!

I think I’ve finally found a dress that will work.

Mind you, all this is because I bought a yellow floral headband that I want to wear and I need a dress to go with it.

Now that I have PILES OF DRESSES to return to the store, it’s finally dawned on me – the purpose of shopping in a store in the first place.

To avoid fiascos like the one I’m facing.

Still, it’s nice to shop online and be able to hit Macys, Nordstrom, and a plethora of other shops all while one reclines in bed eating peanuts.

Yes, that really happens!

Swedish bikini

I want this:

I want it for no reason other than it reminds me of Sweden.

The blue.

The yellow.

It’s like a deconstructed Swedish flag:

And lord knows I certainly like things Swedish.

Even though I’m of Norwegian descent.

I’m not buying it though.

Nope.

Because I have a habit of buying bikinis and never wearing them.

And I’m not going to do that anymore.

Let’s face it, I already have a Swedish bikini bottom I purchased from Globalkinis:

I intended to wear it with a Swedish flag tank top out on the playa with The Swede but then he wasn’t able to come to Burning Man:

So I scrapped the outfit.

I still have it though.

Maybe I’ll titillate The Swede by wearing it under my clothes and showing it to him in private.

Boy, does that man like all things Swedish.

Swedish coffee, Swedish candy, Swedish chocolate. . .

American women, though.

Lucky for me!

So even though I have a hankering to turn up on a beach in Florida wearing a Swedish colored bikini, I have a strong feeling that I will never actually follow through and do it.

Me and bikinis.

I imagine I’m bold enough to wear them but then I chicken out.

That’s just how I roll.

And as a parting gift from me to you, a picture of the Swedish Bikini Team:

You’re welcome!

Transparent Clothes

I’m wondering about this new trend I like to call TRANSPARENT CLOTHES.

Have you seen them?

The most innocuous ones have a transparent skirt over a shorter skirt and women who wear them get to show off their legs.

Then there’s the next step in the evolution of transparent clothes.

Transparent pants.

Yup.

All the way, from top to bottom, completely see-through!

You can’t just put on any old panties with transparent pants.

You have to put on your nice panties and they must be matching.

Finally, you have your completely transparent outfit, which is transparent on top AND on bottom.

Matching bra and panties set REQUIRED!

I’ve been known to buy a few transparent items for my wardrobe.

But it’s for Burning Man.

I could not PICTURE myself walking out on the street showing off my bra and panties to just everyone.

There are CHILDREN!

I wonder sometimes about the over-sexualization of women.

Things like transparent clothes seem like a gigantic step back for womankind.

I mean, I’m not proposing hijabs or anything like that (not that there’s anything wrong with hijabs).

It would just be nice if for once the fashion industry might come up with a trend that doesn’t let the world be your gynecologist.

Maybe designers are going for desensitization.

They figure the more we see it, the less phenomenal it will be.

Well, I’ve got news for the fashion industry.

Never have I ever noticed a woman in her underwear out on the street and NOT been titillated by it.

But that’s just me.

Happy yellow

Trying to recover from my disastrous online sundress shopping experience, I finally gave up and did a mega search for yellow sundresses.

Why?

Because once upon a time I imagined I’d be going to Florida with a yellow dress and I bought a matching flower crown to go with it:

Then the dress fell through.

Oh, what’s a girl to do but SHOP SOME MORE?!

I found a dress to go with my flower crown:

And I got earrings, shoes, and a clutch to match:

You’ve got to picture a mega top knot bun surrounded by my little yellow flower crown, similar to this one with big blue flowers:

Definitely worthy of a nice night out with The Swede and his daughter.

I’m so excited!

And the dress fits, what’s more.

So you might as well go ahead and color me happy.

I just love my sunny, happy, yellow dress!

Drat!

So my dresses finally arrived in the mail.

The first one was a yellow wrap around midi dress that was so lovely:

I put it on only to discover that it didn’t WRAP AROUND MY BODY.

There was this HUGE GAP where cleavage coverage should be.

I was literally falling out of the dress.

So it’s a no-go for Florida.

Then I tried on the other dress:

Sadly it too did not fit so well across my bust either.

These 38Gs are really causing problems!

So I’m back to square one.

I literally have NO DRESSES to wear to Florida and I’m panicking.

I need to go through my wardrobe and see what works.

Of course, all my summer dresses are buried behind all the winter dresses.

So it’s going to take effort and some maneuvering to check out what’s in my closet.

Tejas suggested that I wear this fishnet dress with my bathing suit:

But somehow, no matter how beach-appropriate it is, I just can’t see myself wearing it anywhere but the playa in Black Rock City.

Since I don’t have time to order online, wait for delivery and hope the dress fits, it looks like I’m going to have to shop the hard way. . .

. . . off the rack in a store.

Sigh.

We know how much I HATE that.

Maybe I can get Barbara to advise me where to go and what to try on.

She’s always fashionable and is good at shopping.

She’s the polar opposite of me.

I don’t want to set foot in a store and she can’t buy anything without touching it first.

Just what I need right now!

Glorified Stickers

I just have to share.

Have you seen ads for “strapless bras” floating around Facebook and Instagram?

I sure have.

They have been LEAPING out at me.

As someone who likes to wear dresses with plunging necklines and dresses that are backless, I struggle with how to contain “the girls” properly.

Going braless is like setting 6-year old twins loose on a trampoline – they’re all over the place and someone eventually gets hurt.

Mind you, I’m dealing with a 38G bustline.

Which is NOTHING compared to my cousin, but that’s another blog post.

In any case, I’m always amused by these ads.

They typically include women with smallish busts, slapping on the self-adhesive bra, then pulling the laces between the “cups” together to create more cleavage.

I scoff.

But the other day, I saw a woman (I think she’s Ice-T’s wife Coco) with SIGNIFICANT CLEAVAGE advertising one of these bras and I had to watch.

Sure enough, she RAVED about the bra and how WONDERFUL it was at creating cleavage – but it was clear that she didn’t need any help with CLEAVAGE or LIFT as her breasts were LARGE and SYNTHETIC, not natural.

They sat up on her chest like perky little cupcakes.

That would NEVER work for me.

Because it’s not cleavage that I need, it’s LIFT.

Something more like this makes sense:

Needless to say, I didn’t buy one of those lace up bras.

I appreciate that they give a certain amount of coverage, but let’s face it – it’s nothing but a glorified sticker.

Underboob

My new dresses arrived in the mail.

I was eager to try them on, so I stripped and slipped into the first one.

Now something I DIDN’T notice when I bought the dress, but that I DID notice BEFORE it arrived is that it has a keyhole opening at the bust line.

Yes, indeed.

Now, I’m sure for someone less ENDOWED than me, this is NBD.

However, when you are a 38G, keyhole breast openings become something of a problem.

And this keyhole opening is no exception.

I called my sister.

“Check out this pretty new dress I got,” I said to her.

She took one look at the picture and swore that my dress was REALLY inappropriate for going to Florida with The Swede and his goalie daughter.

“Maybe if you were on vacation, just the two of you,” she explained.

“But since there’s a teenager involved and FAMILIES at the ice arena, you probably should rethink that dress,” she finished.

Now, normally I think showing my breasts is no big deal.

I’ve been known to show them off once or twice.

[cough]

But it just didn’t sit right with me, walking around in a dress where I could potentially have a nip slip or something worse.

Granted, if I wore the dress I’d probably have my bathing suit under it, rendering it more G-rated.

But as it stands, R-rated dresses and 17 year old teenage goalies just don’t mix.

I returned the dress.

Fucking algorithms!

Facebook is irritating me right now.

You know how they use algorithms to promote ads in your Facebook stream?

Well, they’ve sorta got me right and they’ve sorta got me ALL WRONG.

You see, Facebook keeps showing me ads for beautiful bohemian sundresses.

Just my style.

I “oooh” and “aaah” over them and CLICK.

Then I’m taken to a website that offers their clothes in three sizes – S, M, and L

Size 2 – 10.

What’s a curvy girl to do, I ask?

It’s the MOST IRRITATING thing in the world, to see a beautiful dress only to realize it doesn’t come in your size.

WTF is Facebook showing me these links?

Has it not figured out yet that I am a thick chick?

Seriously!

If you really want to piss off a plus size woman what do you do?

You take her to a store where nothing fits and tell her to find something that works.

Facebook is SERIOUSLY losing points with me.

As if showing me all the men I’ve dated in the “You Might Know” section isn’t bad enough, now they’ve gone and fucked it up again.

Fucking algorithms!