Fucking algorithms!

Facebook is irritating me right now.

You know how they use algorithms to promote ads in your Facebook stream?

Well, they’ve sorta got me right and they’ve sorta got me ALL WRONG.

You see, Facebook keeps showing me ads for beautiful bohemian sundresses.

Just my style.

I “oooh” and “aaah” over them and CLICK.

Then I’m taken to a website that offers their clothes in three sizes – S, M, and L

Size 2 – 10.

What’s a curvy girl to do, I ask?

It’s the MOST IRRITATING thing in the world, to see a beautiful dress only to realize it doesn’t come in your size.

WTF is Facebook showing me these links?

Has it not figured out yet that I am a thick chick?

Seriously!

If you really want to piss off a plus size woman what do you do?

You take her to a store where nothing fits and tell her to find something that works.

Facebook is SERIOUSLY losing points with me.

As if showing me all the men I’ve dated in the “You Might Know” section isn’t bad enough, now they’ve gone and fucked it up again.

Fucking algorithms!

Getting back to work (eventually)

I’ve been working on a new outfit, but it’s not for Burning Man.

It’s for “Return to Work” day – whenever that might be.

I can’t wait to see my colleagues and so I’m devising an outfit to wear for our triumphant return to work life.

Usually my inspiration comes from some serious brainstorming, but today I was inspired by a color:

These vibrant purple statement earrings caught my eye:

I’ve quickly cobbled together an outfit using items I already have in my closet – a white midi pencil skirt and a faux wrap white blouse:

I also am thinking of buying THIS blouse as a backup:

I found a beautiful satin wrap obi belt, which would look amazing against a stark white background:

And finally, a pair of retro chic platform heels for dramatic effect:

Who knows when we will all be back at work?

It will certainly be a nice change of pace to get out of my pajamas and tees and into a proper work outfit.

Whenever that might be. . .

Mermaid Hair, don’t care

I’ve been looking into hair extensions for Burning Man.

Reason #1:  I like really colorful things – just look at all the rainbows in my Burning Man closet!

Reason #2:  I like brightly colored hair.  It just looks awesome and edgy AF.

Reason #3:  I work in a place which would look down on me dyeing my hair pink or blue.  I mean they put up with my nose piercing but I’m not sure they’d survive my orange hair!

Since I know so little about hair extensions, I’m going to play around with some cheap ones until I figure out what I like and what works.

But just to inspire you, here are some INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL women with mermaid hair:

mermaid-hair1 mermaid-hair2
mermaid-hair3 mermaid-hair4

So I bought two kinds of hair extensions – a pretty lavender hair extension:

extensions-lavender

And a few brightly colored pieces:

extensions-colored

As far as the multicolored stands go, I’d like to combine the peach, lavender and salmon for a rosy look and the fuchsia, dark blue, and purple for a more “galactic look” (can anyone see me in my Galactic Pussy hat with this hair?):

galaxy-hair1

Yeah, galaxy hair is AWESOME!

Now, I just need to work on LIGHTING UP MY HAIR and then you can color me satisfied!

FYI, here is my Galactic Pussy hat:

galactic-pussy-hat

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F*ck you 6XL!

I bought a pair of black denim shorts off a website called OpenSky.com.

Ha!

Turns out it’s just a fancy cover for yet another Chinese goods website.

How do I know this?

Well, I sort of suspected when I was offered the opportunity to select a XXXXXXL (6XL).

Hmmmmm.

So yesterday my 6XL jean shorts arrived in the mail.

I pulled them out of the bag and promptly threw them in the corner.

If a 6XL in China is a size 10 in the US, then I want to know the dimensions of a woman (girl/infant) who can wear a size XS?

Seriously!

There was like 12 inches of fabric missing and FOR SURE my ass would have hung out the back, and the sides, and. . . well, let’s not go there.

It kind of reminds me of the time I was fooling around with this guy in his RV illuminated by the light from my LED kitty ears.

I was sitting on his lap and he attempted to lift me up and adjust me as if I weighed NO MORE THAN A FEATHER.

Needless to say, he tipped over and gave himself a hernia.

I’m kidding about the hernia, but not about him (us) falling over. I managed to catch myself on a cabinet, but otherwise it would have been a DISASTER!

In my mind, I was thinking. . .”Did you NOT see the size of my thighs when we were flirting?”

Of course, he was drunk (and stoned) and so the answer to that question was probably an emphatic NO!

Needless to say, Chinese clothing makes me feel fat and I’m quite sure that if I ever took a trip there and the airline lost my luggage I’d have to walk around NAKED because there would be no clothes for me to wear.

HONESTLY!

How I can feel sexy and curvy one week and fat and disgusting the next I will never know.

Fuck you 6XL!

 

UPDATE:  I did, in fact, fit into the shorts.  Tejas laced me into them and WTF! They fit!  But they are SUPER teeny and puts all my curves (and lumps and bumps) on display.

Sh*t Brown

Remember my GENIUS idea of wearing a pink latex dress to the Valentine’s Pub Crawl?

Yeah, one of my LESS THAN BRILLIANT ideas, as it turns out.

The dress actually DID arrive in the mail and lo and behold, it was this shitty brown color.

Now.

I might have known better, had I actually scoped out the website a little more.

They uploaded a picture of a hot looking older broad in the dress and it is CLEARLY not pink.

It’s this yucky porto potty soupy brown.

Yeah, you know what I’m talking about!

So here I am, stuck with a dress I CLEARLY will never wear.

I’m wondering if my local Goodwill will raise their eyebrows if I bring in a shit brown latex dress?

You know, it’s moments like these I realize what stores are for and why internet shopping sometimes SUCKS!

That is all.

Glue for Idiots

So.

I have this friend from Serbia.

Not Russia. Serbia.

There’s a difference, I learned.

She and I used to go out to clubs in San Francisco to drink and dance the night away.

One such night we went to a club in the City and when we walked in it was a sea of black – everyone wearing black wool coats in the San Francisco cold and fog.

I was wearing a red wool jacket.

I stood out like a sore thumb.

The red jacket had an interesting effect on the people there.

They started to approach me and compliment my jacket.

A few of the men even attempted to start conversations with me.

My friend, who was very selective in her choice of men, disagreed with the men I spoke to.

BASICALLY I WILL SPEAK TO ANYONE WHO SPEAKS TO ME.

It’s just something I’ve learned:

Never be rude.

As the night progressed, my friend became increasingly concerned over the quality of men I drew in – to put it politely, they were not dressed well enough for her tastes.

And that’s when it happened.

She nicknamed me “Glue for Idiots.”

Now I’m not saying that this isn’t true on some levels.

I think I have a very approachable demeanor that encourages men to take their shot.

All I’m saying is that I’m not going to ignore a man because he’s wearing jeans or his watch isn’t expensive enough.

Truthfully there’s nothing much sexier than a man in comfortable jeans and a t-shirt that’s a bit on the tight side who smells like freshly cut grass and deodorant stretched to it’s limit.

If that makes me glue for idiots, so be it.

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Burning Man Essentials: Women’s Fashion

I’ve been holding off on writing this post because of the TREMENDOUS undertaking that it is.

How to describe the fashion of women at Burning Man?

I classify the fashion loosely into five styles:

  1. Dystopian
  2. Hippie
  3. Rave
  4. Steampunk
  5. Tribal/Ethnic

First of all, let me preface this by saying YOU CAN WEAR ANYTHING YOU WANT AT BURNING MAN.

Channel your inner freak and GO WILD!

These are simply some ideas, organized into a blog post that might help inspiration to strike.

DYSTOPIAN

In a word? BLACK.  But not necessarily.  Think mesh, cargo pants, zippers, chains, holsters, thigh bags, combat boots, streamlined goggles, and sleeveless hoodies.  Contains affiliate links.

HIPPIE

This one really doesn’t require an explanation.  Think macrame, crochet, colorful skirts, tie dye, dread locks, flower power, bell bottoms, and fringe.  Contains affiliate links.

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RAVE

Think holographic, kaleidoscopic color, bodysuits and glimmer, see-through, neon and GLOW!  Contains affiliate links.

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STEAMPUNK

Think neo-Victorian, steam-powered aesthetic, black and brown, lace and leather, and top hats with accoutrements.  Contains affiliate links.

TRIBAL/ETHNIC

Think bright colors, Indian-inspired patterned leggings, chestplates, chunky necklaces, and lots and lots of unique statement jewelry.  Contains affiliate links.

Ultimately, Burning Man style is what you make of it. There are no rules and there are no limitations. So have fun and let you inner child out to play!

A special cause which is near and dear to my heart is plus size fashion on the playa.  I have a Pinterest board dedicated to all you curvy and thick ladies out there.  Check it out, if you’re so inclined.  100+ pins!


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Burning Man Essentials: Men’s Fashion

I’ve been holding off on writing this post because of the TREMENDOUS undertaking that it is.

How to describe the fashion of men at Burning Man?

I classify the fashion loosely into five styles:

  1. Dystopian
  2. Hippie
  3. Rave
  4. Steampunk
  5. Tribal/Ethnic

First of all, let me preface this by saying YOU CAN WEAR ANYTHING YOU WANT AT BURNING MAN.

Channel your inner freak and GO WILD!

These are simply some ideas, organized into a blog post that might help inspiration to strike.

DYSTOPIAN

In a word? BLACK.  But not necessarily.  Think mesh, cargo pants, zippers, chains, holsters, thigh bags, combat boots, streamlined goggles, and sleeveless hoodies.  Contains affiliate links.

HIPPIE

This one really doesn’t require an explanation.  Think macrame, crochet, colorful pants, tie dye, dread locks, flower power, bell bottoms, and fringe.  Contains affiliate links.

RAVE

Think holographic, kaleidoscopic color, bodysuits and glimmer, see-through, neon and GLOW!  Contains affiliate links.

STEAMPUNK

Think neo-Victorian, steam-powered aesthetic, black and brown, lace and leather, and top hats with accoutrements.  Contains affiliate links.

TRIBAL/ETHNIC

Think bright colors, Indian-inspired patterned leggings, chestplates, chunky necklaces, and lots and lots of unique statement jewelry.  Contains affiliate links.

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Reformation

Every now and then I run across a designer who makes outstanding clothes for curvy bodies.

We’re not talking baggy dresses, loose-fitting shirts and wide leg pants.

No.

We’re talking beautiful, feminine dresses, stylish skirts and tailored blouses.

That’s what Reformation is for me.

I got so excited when I found their clothes, sold online via some major companies, like Nordstrom.

I fell in love with these two dresses – the Butterfly and the Marbella:

Aren’t they gorgeous?

Feminine.

Stylish.

Flattering.

Everything I am looking for when I dress my body.

I was determined to get a cute pair of this season’s IT shoes to wear with these dresses – espadrilles.

I wanted three features:  ankle ties, peep toe and a low heel.

I simply can’t wear high heels now that I’ve become accustomed to wearing flats all the time.

So I got these Soludos Open Toe Platform Espadrilles, which I absolutely heart more than you can imagine:

I’ve got to admit, I can’t wait to put the whole look together.

Maybe I’ll get to wear it out with the new guy!

Steampunk Peacock

My dear friend Nadine is having a birthday and I get to celebrate with her.

I celebrated last year at her party with a gorgeous LED stone necklace and a dress to die for:

This year, we’re doing something different.

Last year’s theme incorporated Nadine’s favorite colors – teal and lavender.

This year’s theme is Steampunk and Victorian.

Nevermind that I have two steampunk outfits and a Victorian outfit already assembled in my garage.

What I really need to do is create ANOTHER costume.

Starting with a peacock corset.

Ouch!  That thing just looks like it’s going to hurt, but you can’t say it’s not beautiful.

The next thing I need is a really VIVID TEAL shirt, with skirt hikes to bunch it up in the front like a proper steampunk princess:

Finally, there’s the blouse, a nice sheer black one which will complement the peacock corset very nicely:

As for the present, I delved into Nadine’s love of all things peacock to find a custom present for her.

I think she’ll love what I got her.

And of course, she has all my love.

Happy birthday love!

May you have another blessed spin around the sun.