Cookie Monster

You all know I like to shop at etsy.

I find really cool things on that site – like Star Wars hair clips, pirate hats, and rainbow bodysuits.

The latest thing I’ve found is a faux fur jacket.

And the woman who makes the jackets makes CUSTOM jackets.

I gave Tejas her name and contact info and he commissioned this:

A royal blue, full-length, faux fur burner coat to wear on the playa.

Pretty spiffy, huh?

Mine is neon green so we’ll make quite the pair walking around Black Rock City in our duds.

The only thing about this jacket, which I love by the way, is that it reminds me of Cookie Monster.

Once you’re seen it, you can’t UNSEE it.

And so I’m wondering, given that Tejas has TWO possible playa names at this point – Maximus and Thumper – if he will ultimately wind up with the playa name COOKIE MONSTER.

All on account of this jacket.

Commando

So I’m at work, wearing a lovely sunflower yellow sundress.

I got three compliments within 15 minutes of arriving at work.

One person told me “You better have a date tonight. It’d be a shame to waste that dress.”

The truth is I LOVE this dress.

I’m going to wear it to the wedding I’m going to in September.

It’s simple and understated yet festive and bright.

But I discovered a design flaw.

There is no lining.

And HOW did I discover this, you might ask?

Well I turned sideways to look at my butt in the bathroom mirror at work and discovered. . .

. . that my blue lace underwear was TOTALLY SHOWING THROUGH MY YELLOW DRESS.

Now I understand why so many people were looking at me when I went to lunch.

It wasn’t (just because ) I looked pretty.

No, it’s because they could see my knickers!

The thing is, now I have to figure out what to do to get myself through the rest of my work day without flashing too many more people my undergarments.

And I think I’ve come up with a pretty good answer.

One that will make all my “unblunder” followers proud.

I’m going commando!

 

You’re not alone, sister!

Almost 2 years ago I participated in Burning Man for the first time.

As is my usual habit, I spent A LOT of time planning and prepping.

I carefully reviewed every Burning Man Essentials list and incorporated all the items I was missing into my growing inventory.

In the end, I had 16 bins full of gear.

I may have gone overboard, but let me tell you, I was PREPARED.

Sunblock for my hair?

Check.

Essentials oils for my face mask?

Check.

Ridiculous now to think about them, but at the time I thought they were ESSENTIAL.

Needless to say, I spent a lot of time looking online for fashion guidance.

Self expression is BIG at Burning Man.

I was totally disappointed to find that 99.9% of the representations of women at Burning Man include slim women only.

Where are my thick girls? My curvy ladies?

I could find no representation of women on the playa for women OVER A SIZE 12.

What up?!

I began to wonder if I’d be the only thick girl on the playa.

Of course, that turned out to not be the case, but it still bothers me to this day that the diversity that exists on the playa is not captured by playa photographers.

And, of course, I had to remedy the situation not just by posting my playa photos on the internet, but also by creating a Pinterest board with fashion inspiration for the curvy lady planning to go to the playa.

You’re not alone, sister!

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F*CKING BOOTS!

I found a new love!

Don’t be surprised. You know I’ve been shopping around.

And the other day, WHAM!

It just happened.

I fell in love.

Friends, meet Trashville.

Isn’t he wonderful?!

Black, buckles, AND platform!

What more could a girl ask for?

This is one of the reasons why I LOVE Burning Man.

Because it gives me a place to wear SHOES LIKE TRASHVILLE!

And that pleases me more than you could imagine.

I love these shoes because they have a nice platform without being too over the top.

I have this pair of Qosmo platforms from YRU and, to be honest, I’ve turned into a yard sale more than once wearing this shoes.

Yes, I was drinking if you must know.

But Qosmo shoes are HARD TO WALK IN.

And given all the walking that goes on on the playa, I think it’s best to be a bit more subdued.

Shocking, I know.

Hold on to your panties!

Michelle actually made a RATIONAL decision.

Well, MORE rational than say these (which I also love):

stomper

It’s all relative. . .

Booty-Hanging-Out Shorts

This past weekend, my friend Kimberly and I went to the Sonoma County Fairgrounds to experience the weekend-long music festival Country Summer.

It was FUCKING hot.

I nearly melted into a puddle of sweat and self-tanner, it was that fucking hot.

John Michael Montgomery, who wears all black – black jeans, black longsleeve shirt, black cowboy hat, had to leave the stage and douse himself with water HE WAS THAT FUCKING HOT.

Needless to say, most of us festival goers dressed more appropriately, but I would like to bring up the titillating trend that I noticed at the festival – the tendency of women to wear cutoff jeans shorts with THEIR BOOTIES HANGING OUT!

You think I jest, here’s proof. . .

Yes indeed, a snapped a surreptitious photo of one of the more dramatic women I saw there.

I couldn’t help myself.

It was just there, like a mound of jello, waiting to jiggle.

And I kid you not, she was not the only one.

There were numerous women I encountered during the day whose booties were hanging out for all to see.

It’s takes a brave woman to let the whole world be your gynecologist!

Nevertheless, I’m a firm believer in “Flaunt it if you’ve got it.” So I heartily support this fashion trend.

It could be a lot worse after all.

They could be wearing these. . .

Pasties

Pasties.

No, I’m not talking about the delicious British meat pies, I’m talking about nipple covers.

Tiny little pieces of feather and tassle that adhere to the nipples.

I have a bag with 8 pairs of blinged out, rainbow pasties.

Have I ever worn them?

No.

Will I ever wear them?

Not likely.

And yet I still insist on dragging them to and from the playa every Burning Man for the past two years.

They’re packed for me to bring them again this year.

I’m not sure what insanity compels me to bring them.

It’s likely that anyone over a C cup SHOULD NOT WEAR PASTIES.

And Lord knows, I’m a G!

The most reasonable cause for my insanity is that I simply LIKE how pasties look on other people and I IMAGINE that I would have the balls to pull off wearing them myself.

In reality, my balls would have to be a lot bigger for me to do that.

Incidentally, I did slap on a pair of pasties years ago when I was visiting Tahoe with a boyfriend.

I thought it would be fun for him to “discover” me wearing them underneath my clothes.

Needles to say, he was surprised, but when it came to taking them off, PASTIES REMOVAL IS ONE OF THE MOST PAINFUL THINGS A WOMAN CAN EXPERIENCE.

Rather like vacuuming one’s nipples with a super strength hoover.

Not at all pleasant.

That is all.

The one where she buys SUPER SLUTTY SHOES

I took my second Lap Dance class this Thursday with my imaginary boyfriend.

Once again, it was me in a room with several scantily clad ladies.  The instructor wore a g-string.  Sometimes I just sit in class and let myself be amazed by the beauty of the women around me.

We practiced our routine.  By now we had the beginning part down.

  • Lay your “boyfriend” on the bed.  Prop up his head so he can watch you.
  • Start out by doing a little routine against the wall.  Don’t forget to open your legs. 😉
  • Go to the bed and play with your “boyfriend.”
  • Don’t forget to SMEAR your body against his.  SMEAR. SMEAR. SMEAR. I love that word.
  • Rotate your body to give him a side view.
  • More smearing. Do it slowly.
  • Rotate your body to give him the back view.  Nice.

And that’s where we stopped.  And somewhere in this whole routine, I realized that my shoes were not nearly as sexy as everyone else’s.  I realized that in order to be an effective lap dancer (or at least to look the part), I needed to get a new pair of shoes.  So I went online and bought these puppies.

And I can’t really describe how happy these ridiculous shoes make me feel.  But I do know that there’s something about their absolute frivolity that appeals to me and resonates with my inner diva.

How to be a respectable old bore. . .

michelleA friend posted a link to an article titled “15 Things no Grown Woman Should Have in her Closet.

Or as I like to put it, “How to become a sensible old bore.”

Here are the 15 things the article says don’t belong in a closet:

  1. Old bridesmaid dresses.
  2. Old Halloween costumes.
  3. Truly, madly painful heels.
  4. Anything stained or holey.
  5. Bras that could double as a slingshot.
  6. Panties that could double as dental floss.
  7. Leggings that are now practically sheer.
  8. Bodycon dresses.
  9. Ill-fitting suits.
  10. Guilty impulse buys.
  11. Comically low-rise jeans.
  12. Velour tracksuits.
  13. Festival wear.
  14. Old Greek-life function T-shirts.
  15. “Skinny clothes.”

I break virtually every one of these rules – with the exception of #1 (because I was never a bridesmaid), #4 (because I throw that shit OUT), and #14 (because I was never in the Greek system).

I firmly believe in the importance of keeping things that make you feel good, regardless if they pinch your toes, are out-of-fashion, or are just a little too sheer to be worn anywhere but to bed.

That said, I also believe in the value of wearing costumes.

There’s a reason Halloween is such a favorite holiday for so many people.

And as a burner, I attend many dress up functions where I get to wear my costumes for other people to see.

They’re also nice for ROLE PLAY, just sayin’.

In any case, throw out your old bills.

Keep your old costumes.

Live a little.

Plenty of time to be a respectable old bore later. . .

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Mermaid Hair, don’t care

I’ve been looking into hair extensions for Burning Man.

Reason #1:  I like really colorful things – just look at all the rainbows in my Burning Man closet!

Reason #2:  I like brightly colored hair.  It just looks awesome and edgy AF.

Reason #3:  I work in a place which would look down on me dyeing my hair pink or blue.  I mean they put up with my nose piercing but I’m not sure they’d survive my orange hair!

Since I know so little about hair extensions, I’m going to play around with some cheap ones until I figure out what I like and what works.

But just to inspire you, here are some INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL women with mermaid hair:

mermaid-hair1 mermaid-hair2
mermaid-hair3 mermaid-hair4

So I bought two kinds of hair extensions – a pretty lavender hair extension:

extensions-lavender

And a few brightly colored pieces:

extensions-colored

As far as the multicolored stands go, I’d like to combine the peach, lavender and salmon for a rosy look and the fuchsia, dark blue, and purple for a more “galactic look” (can anyone see me in my Galactic Pussy hat with this hair?):

galaxy-hair1

Yeah, galaxy hair is AWESOME!

Now, I just need to work on LIGHTING UP MY HAIR and then you can color me satisfied!

FYI, here is my Galactic Pussy hat:

galactic-pussy-hat

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St. Patrick’s Day outfit

So, as it turns out, St. Patrick’s Day is the same day as the night of the Rummage Sale Preview Party for the Junior League.

I LOVE to go to the Rummage Sale.  And I LOVE to go to parties.  So the idea of getting to attend BOTH AT THE SAME TIME has me in a tizzy.

Best of all, the Preview Party ALWAYS has a theme – like Hoe Down or Mardi Gras.

Well this year, not surprisingly, the theme is ST. PATRICK’S DAY!

Yay!  Green!

Wanna see what I’m wearing?

I seriously bought THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GREEN DRESS:

green-dressAnd I’m pairing it with a custom green velvet fascinator:

green-fascinatorAnd of course, since I’m such a lucky person, I’ll be wearing my GOLD SANDALS!

gold sandalsThe best part of the Rummage Sale is that ALL PROCEEDS go to support local charities which provide goods and services to low income families.

It’s a win-win situation!

Also. . .  I get to clear out the rummage in my garage and donate it to a GREAT cause!