I don’t have a love story

I don’t have a love story.

And that’s okay.

I don’t need one.

The love in my life is so overflowing from other sources, from my family and friends, that it seems unbearably selfish to wish for more.

So I won’t keep wishing for a love story.

I already have too many to choose from.

Let me tell you some love stories.

My dad once bought me an enormous basket of every single type of fruit that Lunardi’s sold because I cried postpartum that all my fruit spoiled while I was in the hospital giving birth to my rainbow baby, Duncan.

Or my 15 year old birthmother who had to make an impossible decision about putting me up for adoption.

How heart wrenching to give up a beloved child.

There’s the time my sister-in-law cried with me because I was heartbroken over a breakup.

She felt my suffering like it was her own.

And of course, there’s the time my sister and I giggled as we sat in the back of a car in a hotel parking lot, drinking beer and thinking we were being unobtrusive.

We were SO obvious!

There’s my mom who spent countless nights staying up late, baking cookies for a bake sale or putting the final touches on a costume or wiping my fevered forehead.

And my cousin used to invite me to visit her on weekends because she knew I was alone and had no one to hang with,

So you see, I’ve not devoid of love.

I’m flush with it.

I don’t have a love story because I have love stories.

Confronting mortality

Something strange has happened.

Three men I dated suddenly passed away within months of each other this year.

They were far too young to die.

David was in his early 60s.

Steve was 58.

Bob was 47.

I confess, I’m more than a little shook at the suddenness and finality of death.

It’s made me think about my own life in ways I wouldn’t normally think about.

What do I want for my funeral?

Who will be there?

Do I have a long time until I pass or will it be swift and sudden, as with them?

There’s no doubt they have left behind family and friends who are suffering from their losses.

Steve had a son and an ex-wife who he was very close with.

Bob had three kids.

And David was a newlywed.

Although I can barely stomach the idea, it seems important now to at least provide my family with guidelines for my funeral or memorial should anything ever happen to me.

I want the quilts I’ve made to be brought to decorate the service at Burning Man.

And I’d like for my children to both speak about me.

And my friends Michelle, Barbara, and my cousin Jennifer.

I want everyone to wear bright colors.

None of this black nonsense.

And at the end, when everyone is processing out, I want Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s What a Wonderful World/Over the Rainbow to play.

I want to be laid to rest with the ashes of my dogs and my children Douglas and Ruby, who preceded me in death.

Kinda morbid for a Tuesday blog post, but there you have it.

I’m confronting my own mortality.

One lucky lady

My birthday is officially over.

Let me tell you, it was SPECTACULAR!

Over 40 people joined my birthday zoom to wish me a happy birthday and listen to the bawdy songs of Rachel Lark.

I myself had a blast although the lyrics to The Unicorn Song did ring a little painfully close to home.

LOL

I was really touched when we went around the “room” and everyone shared how they knew me and what they loved most about me.

Apparently, I’m a very loving and creative woman who is a great mother, friend, and confidante.

I was humbled by all the compliments heaped on me and I swear the glow will last me until my next birthday.

The prize for knowing me the longest went to my friend Scott, whom I met in pre-school and who happens to SHARE my EXACT birthday.

That’s more than four decades of friendship, my dears!

The prize for telling the funniest story went to Suzanne who remembered when she accidentally used my microfiber towel at Burning Man to clean up a mess, thereby earning a chagrined “Oh. . . that was my only towel” comment from me.

Apparently people seem to think I have a calm demeanor.

And I tell funny stories on my blog.

So from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank everyone for making my Covid Birthday so special!

I really am ONE LUCKY LADY!

Puppies

Let’s just go ahead and acknowledge my love of all things Swedish.

Since before my trip to Stockholm in 2018, I have loved Sweden.

After all, what’s not to love about a country who gave us ABBA, the cheese slicer, and The Swede?

And speaking of The Swede, he’s adopting another puppy come December.

A female.

Which means he will be able to breed his dogs to get puppies.

And I think he intends to do just that.

So besides having a new car, a new motorcycle, a new fiancée, a new home, a new hot tub, a new dog, and a new puppy, he will now be breeding more PUPPIES!

The thought of puppy breath and soft velvet noses makes my peri-menopausal ovaries shudder a little with pleasure.

Me thinks it may be time to adopt a four-legged friend for myself.

CHEESE!

My birthday celebration officially began on Halloween when I friend of mine took me to Carmel to pick up cheese from The Cheese Shop.

We literally bought about 12 kinds of cheese, mostly hard cheese from Europe.

I was reminded about my Cheese Is Love post.

Once again, here are my friends doing the sweetest things for me.

Truly a birthday to remember, and it hasn’t even started already.

I knew I was in heaven when I walked into the store and found actual honeycomb being sold.

And CHEESE!

Oh the CHEESE!!

Wall upon wall, refrigerator after refrigerator of soft, ripened bries and blues and Mimonette, and Raclette.

I was BESIDE myself with joy.

We bought wine and retired to my place where we then had a socially distanced cheese and wine picnic.

Can you just tell I’m tickled pink about getting to eat ALL THAT CHEESE?!

Because I am!

I’m telling you, the birthday is off to a beautiful start!

I love you

Three words I’d love to hear someone say to me.

Not that I’m unloved.

It’s just that people don’t TELL me as often as I’d like.

My mom.

My sister.

My Barbara.

My Nadine.

My kids.

Today, someone unexpected told me they love me.

Of course, there was a lot of alcohol involved.

But given how many times I’ve reached out to my friends and declared how much I love them, simply because I wanted them to know, I guess turnabout really is fair play.

It was SO nice to hear.

And I course, I love them right back!

Woot woot Ms. Lark

Well, it’s OFFICIAL!

I’m happy to announce that the illustrious Ms. Rachel Lark will be performing her brilliant, bawdy brand of songs for my birthday.

For my ACTUAL birthday!

I couldn’t be more pleased.

I have seen Rachel perform live in-person two times:

Once at Burning Man.

Once at a private burner party.

Both times I was blown away by her clever lyrics, challenging subjects, humor, and lofty commentary on modern life and relationships.

Although this won’t be in person, it’s the next-best thing and the best gift I can give to all my friends and family who show up to wish me another entertaining spin around the sun!

Birthday

It’s my birthday in less than a month.

I’ll be turning 47 this year and covid is really putting a damper on celebrating.

I wish I could share a meal with friends and go to a movie or out dancing.

Instead I will probably be at home.

Doing nothing except eating a nice dinner with the family and sharing a cake (no candles, naturally).

I’ve had enough birthdays now to be relatively blasé about them.

Some years I want to celebrate, some years less so.

This year I feel like CELEBRATING.

We’re alive and living on a rock hurtling through space with a giant nuclear fusion reactor nearby.

Why NOT celebrate how amazing that is?

This year, I’m thinking of arranging a virtual birthday party for myself, complete with zoom link and funny hats.

Yes, that’s right.

Funny hats encouraged.

I could also see if my favorite bawdy songstress is available for a Zoom performance!

That could be nice. . .

Update on The Swede

It’s been a while since I posted about The Swede.

We’ve kept in touch as friends and I’m happy to report that he’s doing well in Sweden.

He bought a house with his fiancée.

They got a puppy (American Staffordshire).

I think he even got a new job.

And if Tejas can be believed, he now has not one but TWO motorcycles.

The need for speed is strong in this man.

As with most men I dated, sometime I think of him wistfully.

It was so fun to take him to unSCruz and introduce him to the Burner culture.

Also, I had a blast when I went to Sweden to visit him during January of 2018.

The other day, The Swede posted pics to his Facebook page showing his new deck and HOT TUB.

Yes, the man now owns a hot tub.

So, to recap. . .

NEW fiancée, NEW house, NEW puppy, NEW job, NEW motorcycles and NEW hot tub.

Talk about a LANDSLIDE OF GOOD KARMA!

As for me, I’m working away at my old job, with no fiancé, and no pets while California burns to the ground around me and I shelter in place due to covid.

But don’t fret, I’m doing fine.

It just wouldn’t be my life if there weren’t some barriers to overcome.

Steve

Today I found out via a text message that a former boyfriend died suddenly Thursday night from an as yet unknown cause.

He was in his 50s.

Far too young to die.

Long ago, when we first met I was madly in love with him and imagined that we had a future together.

But it was a long distance relationship and he seemed more happy being single than being with me for the long haul so we parted ways.

I’ll never forget when (nearly a decade later) he added me as a friend on Facebook.

Bold, I thought.

But Steve was always bold and daring.

And smart as a whip!

We managed to meet up a few times and catch up on the latest and greatest in our lives.

He took me on a sailboat ride around the bay and we ran out of gas.

Literally.

Ironically, neither one of us knew how to sail properly at the time.

Despite that, I had a lovely day on the water with him.

I took pictures and blogged my trip, for which he suggested the title “Fucking Steve!”

I will remember him as the strong, invincible, highly intelligent man I knew him to be.

If I know Steve, he’s in Valhalla celebrating his eternal soul with a beer and pretty ladies while telling stories of his amazing life.