Bohemian Rhapsody

So I’ve got this BRILLIANT idea for my birthday party.

It’s on November 2nd, when the Freddie Mercury biopic movie called Bohemian Rhapsody comes out.

And I’m thinking that’s the PERFECT reason to have an 80s party – starting with the movie and ending at a dance club.

I mean, when I was asked what person I’d most want to spend a day with at Burning Man, my answer was Freddy Mercury.

And the person, living or dead, I’d most like to see in concert?

Freddie Mercury!

Again!

I just love Freddie Mercury.

Can you tell?

So, it goes without saying that I will DRESS UP LIKE FREDDIE MERCURY.

There are so many outfits out there to choose from but the one I like the most has a yellow jacket and striped white track pants.

Oh, be still my heart!

How much I can’t wait to cross dress as Freddie Mercury!

The only thing I’m sort of neglecting to mention is that my birthday isn’t for another 5 months.

So I’m A BIT ahead of schedule.

Even for me!

Campfire and stinky man

michelleNow.

I think that the sexiest scent out there is dirty man.

You know what I’m talking about ladies. . .

. . . that smell a man gets when he’s been working and his deodorant has been stretched to it’s limit?

Yeah, that’s the smell I’m talking about.

Man, pure and simple.

Well, I’ve discovered another scent which I find ALMOST as attractive.

Bonfire.

Yes, that smell your clothes get when you’ve been sitting around the campfire chatting with your family and friends.

You don’t really smell it at the time but when you go to wash your clothes later and you catch a whiff of that burned wood and smoke scent, you have to bury your face in your dirty sweatshirt and BREATHE DEEPLY.

That’s what I’m talking about.

CAMPFIRE!

And now, according to Etsy, I can buy campfire scented candles and wax tarts to scent my bedroom JUST LIKE A CAMPFIRE.

Now all I need is the borderline stinky man to enjoy the campfire with, eh?

Shits and giggles

After the snuggle/hair pulling sesh a week ago, I came up with the AWESOME idea of finding another man to do this to me:

Snuggle (clothes on) and pull my hair.

No sex.

So I posted a rather cryptic message on FB, figuring I should farm my friends for this kind of activity instead of new (dating) prospects.

And what I got was a ground swelling of men willing to do exactly that.

Snuggle and pull my hair.

One guy asked if I wanted to be pulled around the room BY MY HAIR.

NO!

Another guy asked me out on a date.

And yet another (non single yet curious) guy tried to figure out how to make this happen for me.

One particularly randy gentleman asked if he could massage my breasts too.

No, it’s just snuggling and hair pulling.

Clothes never come off.

And then it occurred to me that some of these men might be safe (aka respectful of my vow of celibacy) to do this with and others are TOTALLY NOT SAFE.

In fact, this BRILLIANT idea I had turns out to be NO SO BRILLIANT.

But I put it out there in the universe and the universe responded with abundance.

Just for shits and giggles I should ask for back scratches too.

Cuz those are THE BOMB.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR

photo-5While my sister was visiting, we had the brilliant idea of making margaritas at home.  I decided if we were having margaritas, we also needed to do shots and so I insisted we pick up a bottle of Patron to do shots with.

Now the thing you need to know about my sister and I growing up, is that she was the naughty one but I always got in trouble.  Somehow she always managed to skate free.  I claim that this is because I used to cover for her.  She claims she didn’t get in trouble because she was not naughty.  LIAR!

In any case, Lisa and I were about one deep in margaritas and two deep into shots when my sister asked me for another shot.

Sure thing.  Coming right up.

As I’m pouring it, my mom comes into the kitchen, looks at me and the tequila, and says, “Really Michelle?  Another one?” and walks out.

I’m left standing there feeling reprimanded and indignant.

I follow her.

“Just so you know, it’s for Lisa,” I tell her.

Yes, I was a tattletale.

But I felt a whole lot better and my inner child rejoiced for not being labeled the naughty one.

Just the enabler.

Ha ha!

[What I did after 2 shots of tequila and 2 margaritas is a different post]

I’m fucking learning Swedish

I’m fucking learning Swedish (Svenska) and there’s a lot I have to say about it.

First of all, I love that the Swedish word for ‘two’ sounds like the American version of ‘two’ said with a lisp.

Imagine the priest from Princess Bride:

“Twoo wuv is what bwings us twogether twoday.”

Overall, the experience of learning Swedish is a little like shaving my head with a cheese grater while chewing on tinfoil.

It’s a little bit uncomfortable.

I am learning everything phonetically. Which means I speak a few words but I can’t write them.

An example: the Swedish word for ‘delicious’ is ‘oot sect.”

That’s what it sounds like.

How is it spelled?

I have no clue.

I looked it up for the purposes of putting it on this post.

It’s ‘utsökt.’

Now, as impressed as I am with myself for learning a handful of Swedish words, it’s not all that great when it comes to texting and I’m spelling everything phonetically to The Swede.

So I try to keep my Swedish simple when I text him.

God morgon (good morning).

God natt (good night).

Tack så mycket (thank you very much).

I’m impressed that I’ve learning any words given my memory problems and my lack of understanding of Germanic languages.

I hope it gets easier as I go.

One thing is for sure – I can’t just learn to SAY Swedish. I’ve got to learn to WRITE it as well.

Just in case I ever visit Sverige (aka Sweden).

Pronounced ‘Svallia.’

But hold cow, can you believe it. . . I’m learning Svenska!

Save

Why we don’t snort sandwiches. . .

michelleI was minding my own business, eating a sandwich when my mom made me laugh.

And I laughed PRECISELY at a time when I was about to swallow sandwich.

A HUGE chunk of sandwich went UP MY NOSE and lodged in place.

Jeez!

One way in, another way out.

So I blew my nose.

HARD.

And tomato flew out of my right nostril.

I blew hard AGAIN and cheese came out of my left nostril.

And yet, I still wasn’t done.

I could still feel something lodged in my nose.

So I blew my nose hard, OVER and OVER AGAIN. And a HUGE chunk of bread came flying out.

Whew!

I blew a sandwich.

My Marine uniform

I’ve never been a Marine. I suspect I’d make a lousy soldier on account of I like to sleep in and I’m not very athletic unless I’m naked and horizontal.

In any case, I know quite a few Marines and they inspired me to put together my “Marine” supporter uniform:

  • A camo tank top
  • Bright red latex panties

Laugh all you want. I certainly laugh at myself but let me tell you this…

THEY’RE GOING TO LOVE IT!

And if not, if all they do is laugh, then at least I entertained them for a while.

IMG_7281 latex

Laughing my ass off

So I randomly clicked on a YouTube video on Facebook.

It’s something I don’t normally do.

Oh sure, I click the booty, boobs, and beefcake video links but not just a random “mom” video.

THIS had me ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING SO HARD.

She is, quite honestly, AWESOME!

When she’s laughing and Chewbacca is roaring and she can’t seem to stop, TEARS WERE STREAMING DOWN MY CHEEKS.

Just gotta love Candace Payne!

FYI, if you’re looking to buy the same mask that Candace is wearing, you can get it here for $17.99 on clearance right now (was $44.99).

chewbacca