And then I peed my pants

Elton JohnThe first thing you need to know about my trip to Tahoe to see Elton John is that I am in my early 40s. And although I didn’t realize it at the time I was buying the tickets, that makes me a little young for Elton’s demographic.

When I pointed this out to my sister, the man sitting in front of us said, “I heard that,” and gave us a scowl.

The second thing you need to know is that even BEFORE WE HAD DINNER at a nearby restaurant, my sister and I polished off a fifth of vodka. Yum yum! Thank you very much. We had a nice buzz going which is why we had two glasses of wine each with dinner.

Yeah, I know. You can see where this is headed already.

So we had dinner and drinks and then called a cab to take us to Harvey’s to see Elton John.

My sister had ordered two stadium seats for this event specifically and she told me, “Make sure we don’t forget them.”

Yes, I’m sure you can see where this is going.

While we each drank 4 Lagunitas Sumpin Sumpin beers, Elton John performed:

  • Bitch (which Lisa and I agreed was Gavin’s theme song)
  • Benny and the Jets
  • Goodbye Norman Jean
  • All the Young Girls
  • Levon
  • Tiny Dancer
  • Love
  • Daniel
  • Philadelphia Freedom
  • Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
  • Rocket Man
  • I Guess That’s why They Call it the Blues

And then I got too drunk to actually write anything else down that makes an iota of sense to me now.

But THE BEST PART was how Lisa and I got home.

We actually were so drunk and turned around we couldn’t find our hotel a mere 4 blocks away so we HOPPED INTO A PRIVATE CAR WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER and my sister paid him $40 to drive us 4 blocks to our hotel.

BUT THERE’S MORE…. I had to go to the bathroom so bad, I peed a little in my pants when we were in his car.

Yup.

I peed my pants.

Nice, eh?

What a night!

REPOST from Feb 2014: Christmas hams

I reached down and cupped his @ss. I even gave him a little squeeze. My insides got all happy.

jellyBelly 162

“Your butt is like two chicken cutlets,” I remarked.

“Chicken cutlets?? What does that mean?” he asked.

“It means you have a perfect man butt,” I smiled.

“I’ve got a girl butt. It’s like two Christmas hams. You have chicken cutlets and I have Christmas hams.” I joked.

I bent over and showed him I had split the seam in my workout pants.

“You should never wear pants designed for chicken cutlets when you’ve got Christmas hams,” I laughed.

“I like Christmas hams” he said, “Christmas hams are tasty!”

Riding Crop

Part of my efforts to reduce, reuse and recycle have included not just going through all my camping gear and supplies but also my wardrobe.

I have a ten foot closet with clothes just SPILLING out of it.

So a little selective weeding of the wardrobe was necessary.

I enlisted the help of my mother, which always assists me in making cut throat decisions when it comes to what stays and WHAT GETS TOSSED.

Haven’t worn it in 6 months?

Toss it!

Does it have a little hole that needs mending?

Round file it!

This process, of applying my mother to my wardrobe, always has some unintended consequences.

Like the time she folded my “Orgasm Donor” t-shirt.

Or the time she picked up my “Spank Me / Fuck Me” panties and just ROLLED HER EYES FOR DAYS.

This time around the process was uneventful, or so I thought.

Because as we were at the second hand store bringing in bags of used clothing to donate, I noticed my mom carrying in one of my bags. . .

. . . with my riding crop sticking RIGHT OUT THE TOP!

I’m here to tell you this:  You haven’t LIVED until you’re at the secondhand store watching your 75-year old mother carry in a bag with your “riding crop” sticking out of it.

Champagne disaster

For working 10 events in 10 days, including weekends, I received a fat paycheck, a blanket, flowers AND a bottle of expensive French champagne.

I told my mom about the champagne and said, “We will drink it together for Valentine’s Day.”

She agreed.

Valentine’s Day rolls around and at 5 pm I remembered the champagne, sitting in a gift bag on the floor of my room.

“Mom, I forgot to chill the champagne,” I lamented.

“We’ll put it in the freezer.  It’ll be fine,” she told me.

“But I don’t want to drink it if it’s not properly chilled,” I continued.

“It’ll be fine,” she said.

Whatever.

An hour and a half later, we’re sitting down to eat and I take the champagne out of the freezer.

It still feels like it’s at room temperature.

I hand it to her and complain about the temperature.

She ASSURES me it’s fine.

So I open it.

BIG MISTAKE!

The champagne was not chilled.

Wah!

But WTF, I’m not going to waste good French champagne, so I pour a glass and start drinking it.

My mom takes her champagne flute, fills it 75% full with low-sugar cranberry juice, then tops it off with champagne.

I just stayed quiet.

But inside I was LAUGHING!

Only my mother would pollute expensive French champagne with low calorie fruit juice!

Allergic to Hawaii

“Wake up!  You need to take your son to urgent care!”

That’s what I woke up to my first day in Hawaii.

“It looks like he has pink eye!”

My sister is a nurse, and when she declares something health-related, I listen.

But where is there Urgent Care on the island of O’ahu?

I quickly do a search on my phone, make a call, and load up Gavin in my rental car for inspection at Urgent Care.

I look at myself in the rear view mirror and discover something surprising. . .

My eye is swollen too!

A lot!

Aren’t we a pair.

So we go to Urgent Care and wait for it to open, busying ourselves with iced coffee we bought at a nearby coffee stand.

Then Gavin points it out.

Closed on Sundays.

And (of course) it’s Sunday.

Gah!

So I take a GOOD LONG LOOK AT GAVIN’S EYEBALL.

The lid is red, but the eyeball is nice and normal.

Probably NOT pink eye.

“What do you say we give it a day and see what happens?” I ask him.

He agrees, but will my sister.

Luckily Lisa agreed too, but asked for us both to pick up and take some Benadryl.

So we did.

And wouldn’t you know it. . . like magic, our swollen eyes took a chill pill and started to relax and look normal.

I believe it was my birthfather who upon seeing our swollen eye picture on Facebook coined the phrase, “YOU’RE ALLERGIC TO HAWAII!”

And indeed, it appeared that we were.

And then I peed my pants

Elton JohnThe first thing you need to know about my trip to Tahoe to see Elton John is that I am in my early 40s. And although I didn’t realize it at the time I was buying the tickets, that makes me a little young for Elton’s demographic.

When I pointed this out to my sister, the man sitting in front of us said, “I heard that,” and gave us a scowl.

The second thing you need to know is that even BEFORE WE HAD DINNER at a nearby restaurant, my sister and I polished off a fifth of vodka. Yum yum! Thank you very much. We had a nice buzz going which is why we had two glasses of wine each with dinner.

Yeah, I know. You can see where this is headed already.

So we had dinner and drinks and then called a cab to take us to Harvey’s to see Elton John.

My sister had ordered two stadium seats for this event specifically and she told me, “Make sure we don’t forget them.”

Yes, I’m sure you can see where this is going.

While we each drank 4 Lagunitas Sumpin Sumpin beers, Elton John performed:

  • Bitch (which Lisa and I agreed was Gavin’s theme song)
  • Benny and the Jets
  • Goodbye Norman Jean
  • All the Young Girls
  • Levon
  • Tiny Dancer
  • Love
  • Daniel
  • Philadelphia Freedom
  • Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
  • Rocket Man
  • I Guess That’s why They Call it the Blues

And then I got too drunk to actually write anything else down that makes an iota of sense to me now.

But THE BEST PART was how Lisa and I got home.

We actually were so drunk and turned around we couldn’t find our hotel a mere 4 blocks away so we HOPPED INTO A PRIVATE CAR WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER and my sister paid him $40 to drive us 4 blocks to our hotel.

BUT THERE’S MORE…. I had to go to the bathroom so bad, I peed a little in my pants when we were in his car.

Yup.

I peed my pants.

Nice, eh?

What a night!

Wearing Wasabi

ImageThe sign at the all-you-can-eat sushi bar said that if you order more food than you can eat, you will be charged the a-la-carte price for your sushi.

This weighed heavily on our minds as my sister and I surveyed our table filled with sushi. We were stuffed to the gills and were trying to figure out how to make 20 extra pieces of sushi disappear.

Oh my god, could we do it?!

Being the honest sibling, I just started eating sushi… doing my best to just chew and swallow and not think about how full I already was.

But Lisa, being a little more clever and deceptive, opted to take a different approach.

SHE SHOVED THE SUSHI INTO HER CLEAVAGE!

The waitress came by to check on our progress.  I noticed sushi peeking out of my sister’s cleavage. As the waitress spoke to us, Lisa’s eyes were getting bigger and bigger.  The waitress left.

“What’s wrong,” I asked.

“Listen, we’ve got to get out of here so I can get rid of this sushi. The wasabi is BURNING MY BOOBS!”

Amusement Ride

I’m not sure why, but unusual things happen to me that don’t happen to other people.

Granted, I have difficulty saying no and creating boundaries, so that could have something to do with what happened.

I was interested in testing out a “ride” at a festival.

A vibrating ride.

I assumed I’d ride on it fully clothed and enjoy the tickle.

I was told to take off my pants and climb on.

So I did.

No, I had to take off my underwear too.

Okay. . .

I was intrigued.

So I removed my panties and climbed on.

I was shown how to use the vibrator – how to change the speed and the depth of the vibrator.

Okay, cool.

I thought it was kind of interesting that the operator stayed in the tent with me while I was on the ride.

He proceeded to rub lube on my butt and spank me.

Okay. . .

I had asked for spankings, so I wasn’t too surprised.

But then he started really stroking me and before I knew it, I was shocked.

As in THE SHOCKER.

Yes indeed, there’s no other way to describe it other than to tell it like it is.

I got shocked by operator.

Now, you have to imagine that I was already a bit sore from hanging out with Coke Can Dan.

So this just sort of added to the discomfort I was feeling.

Lesson learned: No more pantsless amusement rides for me!

Bohemian Rhapsody

So I’ve got this BRILLIANT idea for my birthday party.

It’s on November 2nd, when the Freddie Mercury biopic movie called Bohemian Rhapsody comes out.

And I’m thinking that’s the PERFECT reason to have an 80s party – starting with the movie and ending at a dance club.

I mean, when I was asked what person I’d most want to spend a day with at Burning Man, my answer was Freddy Mercury.

And the person, living or dead, I’d most like to see in concert?

Freddie Mercury!

Again!

I just love Freddie Mercury.

Can you tell?

So, it goes without saying that I will DRESS UP LIKE FREDDIE MERCURY.

There are so many outfits out there to choose from but the one I like the most has a yellow jacket and striped white track pants.

Oh, be still my heart!

How much I can’t wait to cross dress as Freddie Mercury!

The only thing I’m sort of neglecting to mention is that my birthday isn’t for another 5 months.

So I’m A BIT ahead of schedule.

Even for me!