Single AF

Let’s face it, not very many people like Valentine’s Day. So if it’s got you down, here’s a girl’s guide to surviving THE WORST holiday ever created.

 

Remember to celebrate your friends with an appropriately worded card:

Don’t forget you can always “opt out” of the holiday entirely:

But if you want to still be a part of the holiday, don’t fret.  Everyone knows LOVE SUCKS:

Plenty of other people have black hearts on Valentine’s Day:

So you might as well ADORN yourself with the sentiment:

Don’t be afraid to express how you feel:

Really put it out there:

So that everyone can see:

And remember to celebrate what makes you happy:

Because you are a BAD ASS BITCH:

There’s no such thing as PERFECT so learn to COMPROMISE:

Don’t be afraid to celebrate life’s little adequacies:

Ultimately, you are EVERYTHING you need:

And remember, I’m not yours. You’re not mine. Be my Anti-Valentine:

Anti Valentine’s Day 2019

Ok, so every year around Valentine’s Day I post links to etsy Anti-Valentine’s Day gift ideas and this year will be no different.

Fuck Valentine’s Day banner – I blog my hatred of Valentine’s Day, you can hang a banner.

Ah ha ha ha – perfect card for me to send to my sister.

Anti-Valentine’s Day cookies – for my snarky 18 year old to pass out to their friends.

Love is in the Air tank top – better stop breathing!

An Anti-Valentines’ Day mug – about as romantic as I could get for this fucking disaster of a holiday.

Oh yes, the CLASSIC “Cupid rhymes with stupid” tee – so you can broadcast what you really feel.

Fuck off necklace – don’t you just love the profanity of it? You can’t say it doesn’t send a message.

Ah, well I love tasteless cards, and this is one of them.

Another card I’d like to send to my ex.

Pins for Single Awareness Day – don’t be afraid to show the world what you think.

The best part of Valentine’s Day? An excuse to drink excessively and drown your frustrations.

And last, a bandana which I would put on my dog if I had one but oh yeah, she died and now not even my dog is there to love me. Tears!

Time to Party

Valentine’s Day is coming up and I’m going on a pub crawl with friends.

It’s a Table for Onesie Pub Crawl, so we will all be dressed up in unisex onesies.

I have seemingly a hundred onesies in my collection and I need to select one to wear that night.

I’m leaning towards my purple star onesie, basically because I love the idea of wearing my lavender wig.

But also, a rainbow unicorn would be nice.

I’m planning on taking an uber to and from the pub crawl so I can drink without worrying about getting a DUI.

Nothing like hoping into an uber in a big purple star onesie and a lavender wig to say “it’s time to PARRRRRTY!”

Pub Crawl

Valentine’s Day is coming.

And already I know what I’m doing.

I’m getting dressed up in a onesie, heading out to downtown for an un-valentiney Valentine’s Day pub crawl.

Now, we all know I’m game for anything that starts with beer and ends with more beer.

But this is more than just a progressive.

This is a powerful statement about the pressures put on people to see life in terms duality instead of complexity – from genders to relationships.

Yup, that’s a nod to my trans and poly friends.

Good things come in more than just two.

I’m going to get dressed in my onesie and join my fellow single and coupled up friends in celebrating a day for love, be it romantic or based on friendship, in a very non-traditional way.

Nadine will be joining me, so I have that to look forward to.

Sometimes I feel like the measure of my happiness is NOT the health of my romantic relationship/s but instead in the strength of my female friendships.

I’ll be celebrating that for Valentine’s Day, instead of feeling bad for myself or lonely.

 

 

Nobody loves me

Valentine’s Day is creeping up on me like a bad toe fungus and I find myself in the uncomfortable position once again of being single for a holiday that celebrates couplehood.

I can practically feel the bile rising in my throat when I think of all the sugary sweet sentiments that will be posted onto Facebook for couples celebrating being a couple.

It’s downright nauseating.

Of all the holidays, this is my LEAST favorite.

I can dress up for Halloween.

I can buy gifts for Christmas.

I can cook a ham for Easter.

Eat Mexican food on Cinco de Mayo.

All of these holidays are easy to participate in.

But not so much Valentine’s Day.

And there’s nothing I dislike more than feeling LEFT OUT.

But left out is what I am.

I am reminded of a song a gentleman sang for me in college:

“Nobody love me.

Nobody cares.

Nobody feeds me peaches and pears.”

So, you have been forewarned to expect quite a bit of sass out of me as this holiday approaches.

Because I’m sure as hell not pleased that (yet again) I must survive another fucking Valentine’s Day ALONE.

Thanks for the goddamn reminder!

New Year’s Eve

Barbara told me on New Year’s Eve that my favorite Korean Spa in Santa Clara was closed.

I was crushed!

But I managed to find a new, smaller Korean health center via Yelp and before you knew it, I was laying naked on a vinyl bed while buckets of warm water were thrown on me and my skin was scrubbed with raw silk mitts by women wearing black bras and underwear.

So in other words, more of what I was used to.

Noodles of dead skin came off me and as usual, I found myself trying to explain to my technician that I really do shower every day and wash myself.

She seemed unconvinced.

After the scrub, I got a massage with baby oil and left the Korean Spa feeling fresh as a daisy and soft as a baby’s bottom.

I went to the salon and got my hair done.

It was New Year’s Eve after all, and I was determined to get all dolled up.

I put on my mermaid ombré sequin gown which fades from gold on top to turquoise on the bottom, I slipped on a pair of sparkly shoes, and I hopped in the car with friends to get the party started.

We had a nice dinner in Santa Cruz before heading to a private NYE party in Aptos, which was OFF THE HOOK FUN!

There was a champagne toast and a balloon drop and I managed to hug and kiss many MANY people to ring in the good year.

I’ve decided that my overarching goal for 2020 will be to keep the momentum from NYE alive as I make my way through the year.

Be generous with my hugs and kisses.

Be thankful for my family and friends.

And look for ways to bring more pleasure and happiness into this world.

Deck the f*cking halls!

Barbara has great bosses.

Last year they got her tickets to a SF 49ers game and SHE TOOK ME!

This year they bought her tickets to Cirque Musica – circus acts set to a full orchestra playing holiday music – and SHE TOOK ME!

I’m not quite sure what the best part of the evening was – watching Barbara laugh silently when two men, gilded in gold body paint and wearing nothing but golden speedos took the stage and performed poses with blatant homoerotic overtones.

I swear I thought she was going to fall out of her chair she was laughing so hard she was shaking.

Or –

Watching a circus performer balance shit on his face.

We’re not talking little things like chairs and balls.

NO!

He balanced an entire Christmas tree, a full size ladder, and a table on his chin.

It was truly a WTF moment.

ladderThis is the face I was making the ENTIRE time he was performing:

michelleAs it turns out, having an orchestra SHARE THE STAGE with circus performers is very stressful.

I kept worrying that the circus performers were GOING TO CRASH into the orchestra.

Barbara was worried they were going to crash into us!

In the end, we all survived and I learned a valuable lesson: balancing shit on your chin is a viable career choice.

Deck the fucking halls and fa la la!

Santa Cruz Santa Con

I got out of the house on Friday night and attended Santa Cruz’s Santa Con.

It was downtown on Pacific Street.

First we met at a Market Square.

Yummy, my friend who brought me, got rock star parking right next to the Market Square.

We dined on tacos before heading out into the rain to hit The Catalyst Upstairs.

A DJ was playing tunes and I managed to get a drink or two at the bar before it became totally inundated with Santa’s all clamoring for drinks.

After that, we Yummy and I stopped in to a cookie store and we picked up a half dozen cookies which were wafting their delicious scent out the door and down the street.

Back to the breezeway in Market Square for a little Silent Disco and candy shopping before heading to the Blue Lagoon for DJ music in the backroom.

There was a lovely lady with lavender hair there who looked stunning.

I somehow managed to only take one picture for the night and here it is:

santa con santa cruz

Me and Yummy, at the start of the evening.

Holiday love to you!

On Thanksgiving Thursday, I drove the 5 miles from my home to my brother’s house in San Jose to celebrate Thanksgiving with almost all of my family.

The drive was unremarkable, except I rode in my son’s Subaru WRX for the first time and I spent the entire time telling him to SLOW DOWN!

Ah, the ignorance of youth, to be so oblivious to the dangers out there in the world.

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving, in part because both my kids were there, having fun with their cousins while using Oculus, the VR/AR toy from Facebook which MAKES ME MOTION SICK.

The food was exceptional, the company was extraordinary, and the pies were, well. . . delicious!

I managed to sneak a photo of myself with my kids and I expect that if I send Christmas cards out this year, I will need to use this photo since it’s the only one I have of the three of us together.

So from my family to yours, I wish you a very happy holiday season filled with all the joy and happiness you can pack into it, and then some more!

Holiday love to you!