I’m a millionaire

Mother’s Day is coming up!

I just realized this.

Which means I have to get something for my mom, my birthmom, stepmom and my grandma.

I am thinking I’ll get some really beautiful handmade cards for each of them.

I’m sort of in love with these POP UP cards from ScrappyTailsCrafts on Etsy:

Aren’t they just BEAUTIFUL?!

Just like my moms, my stepmom and my grandma!

And I always try to do something special for my friend Barbara, whose mother passed away a few years ago (and on my birthday).

I know she keenly feels the loss, and Mother’s Day just exacerbates it.

Usually I send flowers, and I’m thinking this year I’ll send something a little different.

Like a cookie bouquet!

A tasty treat for my dear friend.

As always, Mother’s Day makes me realize how many SPECTACULAR WOMEN I have in my life, not just my mothers, but also my sisters, aunts, and friends.

I believe you can measure the happiness in your life by the number of really close female relationships you have.

And in that respect, I’m a millionaire!

Anti Valentine’s Day 2018

Ok, so every year around Valentine’s Day I post links to etsy Anti-Valentine’s Day gift ideas and this year will be no different.

Fuck Valentine’s Day banner – I blog my hatred of Valentine’s Day, you can hang a banner.

Ah ha ha ha – perfect card for me to send to my sister, or for my sister to send to me.

Anti-Valentine’s Day cookies – for my snarky 16 year old to pass out to his friends.

Love is in the Air tank top – better stop breathing!

An Anti-Valentines’ Day mug – about as romantic as I could get for this fucking disaster of a holiday.

Oh yes, the CLASSIC “Cupid rhymes with stupid” tee – so you can broadcast what you really feel.

Fuck off necklace – don’t you just love the profanity of it? You can’t say it doesn’t send a message.

Ah, well I love tasteless cards, and this is one of them.

Another card I’d like to send to my ex.

Pins for Single Awareness Day – don’t be afraid to show the world what you think.

The best part of Valentine’s Day? An excuse to drink excessively and drown your frustrations.

And last, a bandana which I would put on my dog if I had one but oh yeah, she died and now not even my dog is there to love me. Tears!

What I love about Valentine’s Day

I don’t 100% HATE Valentine’s Day.

Although I should.

There’s something about a day where you can tell people you love them that just tugs at my heart strings.

After all, I have two teenage boys whom I adore to pieces.

Always my babies.

And since they’re usually adverse to me hugging, kissing, and snuggling them, Valentine’s Day is a good day to GUILT TRIP them into letting me do it.

This year, I got them each a funny card:

And since Duncan’s hobby is gaming, I got him THIS shirt:

Which I think he has more than enough attitude to wear when he’s out and about.

Gavin, on the other hand, is the daddy to two parakeets – Ross and Smokey.

They are his pride and joy, to say the least.

So I got him this colorful parakeet tee shirt, which I think he will like.

As much effort as I put into training the boys to remember to get me cards or presents on holidays, I think that I will be forgotten this year.

I’m not expecting to get anything from them. . .

. . .unless I HOUND them.

And that’s a possibility since I’m doing a piss poor job of teaching them to remember their loved ones on special occasions.

Nobody loves me

Valentine’s Day is creeping up on me like a bad toe fungus and I find myself in the uncomfortable position once again of being single for a holiday that celebrates couplehood.

I can practically feel the bile rising in my throat when I think of all the sugary sweet sentiments that will be posted onto Facebook for couples celebrating being a couple.

It’s downright nauseating.

Of all the holidays, this is my LEAST favorite.

I can dress up for Halloween.

I can buy gifts for Christmas.

I can cook a ham for Easter.

Eat Mexican food on Cinco de Mayo.

All of these holidays are easy to participate in.

But not so much Valentine’s Day.

And there’s nothing I dislike more than feeling LEFT OUT.

But left out is what I am.

I am reminded of a song a gentleman sang for me in college:

“Nobody love me.

Nobody cares.

Nobody feeds me peaches and pears.”

So, you have been forewarned to expect quite a bit of sass out of me as this holiday approaches.

Because I’m sure as hell not pleased that (yet again) I must survive another fucking Valentine’s Day ALONE.

Thanks for the goddamn reminder!

Deck the f*cking halls!

Barbara has great bosses.

Last year they got her tickets to a SF 49ers game and SHE TOOK ME!

This year they bought her tickets to Cirque Musica – circus acts set to a full orchestra playing holiday music – and SHE TOOK ME!

I’m not quite sure what the best part of the evening was – watching Barbara laugh silently when two men, gilded in gold body paint and wearing nothing but golden speedos took the stage and performed poses with blatant homoerotic overtones.

I swear I thought she was going to fall out of her chair she was laughing so hard she was shaking.

Or –

Watching a circus performer balance shit on his face.

We’re not talking little things like chairs and balls.

NO!

He balanced an entire Christmas tree, a full size ladder, and a table on his chin.

It was truly a WTF moment.

ladderThis is the face I was making the ENTIRE time he was performing:

michelleAs it turns out, having an orchestra SHARE THE STAGE with circus performers is very stressful.

I kept worrying that the circus performers were GOING TO CRASH into the orchestra.

Barbara was worried they were going to crash into us!

In the end, we all survived and I learned a valuable lesson: balancing shit on your chin is a viable career choice.

Deck the fucking halls and fa la la!

Don’t Hate

I know it’s crazy to say this so early in the season.

It’s not even Thanksgiving yet.

But I’ve managed to complete all my Christmas shopping ALREADY.

Can I tell you how satisfied it makes me feel to have all my shopping done?

REALLY SATISFIED.

Like in ways that make me happy ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MY BONES.

I’m insane like this.

The instant my birthday passes, I’m buying up gifts and presents for my loved ones.

I LOVE GIFTING!

It’s my favorite part of the whole holiday (besides the Christmas music).

There is nothing better than seeing the look on my sons’ faces when they open a gift and get all excited.

I know it’s obnoxious of me to be this thrilled with the holidays, but I can’t help myself.

It’s like I’m high and won’t come down until after New Year’s.

Did I mention I also get two weeks off at work for the holidays?

Yup.

Two whole weeks of freedom, sleeping in, and socializing!

If I’ve annoyed you with this post, don’t worry. I do have a confession to make:

Although I’ve bought my Christmas and Hanukkah cards, I don’t have them ready to mail yet.

Gasp!

I know. But nothing says “I’m insane” like sending out your holiday cards BEFORE Thanksgiving, right?

If I could get away with it, you can be sure I would do it.

So have a lovely holiday season.

I hope you’re enjoying it at least half as much as I am!

Lumberjack Christmas Tree

So here is my “Lumberjack Christmas Tree” complete with woodland animals, buffalo plaid, and axes!


Are axes even appropriate to put on a Christmas tree?
Who knows?
But they’re there.

 

This tree was inspired by THIS LITTLE LUMBERJACK who I HEART!

I know what you’re all thinking and I’m thinking it too. . .

. . .IF I BUILD IT, WILL HE COME????

Save

Save

Doing the splits

In retrospect, it was probably unnecessary for me to do the splits in the garage.

It was already a rager of a party.

But my splits were joined by others’ splits and before you know it, EVERYONE was doing the splits.

And by EVERYONE, I mean all two of us!

LOL

I have no clear recollection of what I drank or how much.

What I DO remember is the nasty little hangover I had the next morning.

I drove myself home, crawled into bed, and slept for the next 4 hours, pretty confident that I was dying.

As it turns out, I didn’t die, my headache went away, and I was left voraciously hungry.

Just so you know, I didn’t IMMEDIATELY remember that I did the splits.

No.

I was walking around wondering why my legs were so sore when the memory came flooding back to me.

Falling over while doing the splits in front of Halloween party guests.

Here’s the pic to prove it. . .