Boudoir Reflections

I’m a big believer that if you want to make a change, you have to push yourself outside your comfort zone. Wanting change means that you want something different than what you have right now. But you’ll never get anything different unless you do something different.

For me, doing something different began three months ago when a Groupon for a Boudoir Photography Session landed in my inbox.

“No bloody way,” I told myself as I instantly thought of all my body issues. Then I paused.

How I feel about my body is one of the things I want to change about myself. So in spite of my fear and self-loathing, I decided to purchase it.

As usual, I put WAY too much thought into this activity. And WAY too much money. The process of prepping for my photo shoot was long and drawn out (Part 1, Part 2, Freak Out, Boudoir 1, Boudoir 2, Boudoir 3, Boudoir 4, Boudoir 5, Boudoir 6).  But it was also a lot of fun.

I loved looking at other women’s boudoir photos.  I loved shopping for lingerie, jewelry, and shoes.  It was fun to check out hair and makeup on Pinterest.

But all the time, I kept wondering if I was going to chicken out.  Could I go through with it?  Had I not invested so much money in this activity, I might have skipped out on it.  But I was financially committed, and that was good enough for me.

I learned a lot about myself during my photo shoot.  To begin with, I was very good at asking for what I wanted.  I’d done my research, I knew what I wanted.  Even standing in a room with naught but my underwear on, I was able to tell the photographer EXACTLY what I expected.  Kudos to me.

I also discovered that it’s okay to do it your own way.  You don’t have to do it the way others do it.  When I first started researching boudoir poses on Pinterest, it seemed every woman was a size 2 wearing a thong and a push up bra with thigh-highs, sky-high hair, and heavy makeup.  That wasn’t me.  I wanted to be dressed down and ready for bed.  And that’s how I posed.  Yes, it made for a lot of nudity but I enjoyed taking it off for the camera.

Not surprisingly, I got in touch with my sexy side.  Now granted, she’s not that far away at any given time, but for my photo shoot, my inner vixen came out in full force.  I used to avoid looking at my body in the mirror, and during the photo shoot, I stared at my body in the mirror.  Definitely bodacious!  Now I’m not saying I’ve been cured of my body dysmorphia, but I can say I take it all with a grain of salt now.

My final lesson was a lesson in limits.  I learned that a self-limiting belief is only limiting until you LET IT GO.  The old story I told myself was that I don’t look good naked – my legs are too thick, my butt is too big, and my stomach is too soft.  I have constantly restricted my clothes and my activities in order to “hide” these flaws.  But there I was at my boudoir photo shoot, putting them all on display for the camera.  Suddenly, those “thick” legs felt strong and powerful.  My “big” butt looked appealing, and my “soft” stomach felt womanly.  I felt gloriously sensual, sexy, and all-woman.

THIS IS THE STORY I SHOULD BE TELLING MYSELF, NOT THE OLD STORY.

So my parting words of advice to all the ladies out there are:  Book your own boudoir session.  You won’t regret it.

And also?  If I can get naked and post pictures to the internet, then you can definitely take whatever that first step is toward changing your own story.

Me and Victoria’s Secret

Victoria’s Secret is waging a war to get me to spend my hard earned dollar bills on their crappy Chinese clothing.

They keep dangling a “Free $10 when you purchase $50” discount in my face everywhere. . .

. . .in my inbox, on Facebook – why they’re even tracking me in AdChoice.

Truthfully, I do look at Victoria’s Secret, despite the fact that I think they’re lingerie is shit and their clothing is cheaply made.

Also, nothing they make is in a size that will fit me.

Truth.

I look at Victoria’s Secret because I was once young too, and I still remember what it was like to have a young, nubile body that didn’t creak every time I blinked.

The Victoria’s Secret models are so beautiful.

It’s like looking at a shiny thing that with time, will dim and tarnish but still retains a little of that awe from when you first saw it.

Picture this:

It’s GORGEOUS strappy black lingerie, sold by Victoria’s Secret.

Something that you’ll slip into which will convey just that right amount of “I’m-a-dirty-girl-but-not-so-dirty-you-still-can’t-slip-a-ring-on-my-finger” attitude that you’ve been sporting lately.

But slipping into your lingerie feels more like trying to put on rubber panties and when you look in the mirror. . .

. . . you look like someone’s taken a hammer to a can of biscuits.

And it’s not looking so good for you.

Well. . . that’s me and Victoria’s Secret.

 

Don’t laugh

….at least don’t laugh harder than me!The lingerie I ordered online arrived in the mail just in time to mock my single status. If you could anthropomorphize a chemise or pee-a-boo babydoll, they would be sticking their tongues out at me, crossing their eyes, and yelling “neener neener neener!”

Here’s a snapshot of the lingerie (and red glitter heels which match my Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz outfit):

photo-30

And this is what made me laugh so hard I almost cried. My uber-gorgeous lingerie with matching microscopic thongs (WTF!!!) didn’t come in wrapping paper. Or tissue. Or little silk bags like I get at the lingerie shop downtown.

No…. my lingerie came in BOXES! At first, I wondered why the hell they were sending me pornos!!!

photo-31

So, FYI….Trashy.com for lingerie. You can find it all.

Panty Raid

I have a huge lingerie collection – upwards of 7 drawers full of bras, garter belts, panties, bustiers, corsets, stockings, bodysuits, and chemises.  And that’s not including the costumes…

It’s impressive, even by Victoria’s Secret standards.

Periodically, I run out of space in my bureaus and I have to pare down some of my collection.

The black panty with the red lace heart window and garters always stays.

costume2

As a woman, I have tiers of lingerie – levels of cotton, lace, and satin which increase in sexiness as you go up.  It’s a so-called pyramid of lingerie.

At the bottom of the pyramid is the period underwear.  These pairs are so bad that no one is allowed to see us in them.  They can sometimes be stained, occasionally stretched out, and definitely not anything you want to be caught dead in.  You wear these when you’re feeling gross and bloated.

The next level is the comfortable lingerie – these are your plain cotton panties, your Fruit-of-the-Looms, your gym underwear.  They’re your business underwear – all work, no play.  When you want to be comfortable you wear these.  Not necessarily meant to be seen in, but it’s not the end of the world if you are.  You’re not dressing to impress.

Up one tier we encounter the Fredericks of Hollywood and Victoria’s Secret lingerie.  This is your standard sexy lingerie which looks good on you but still eventually fades and semi falls apart because it was made in China.  Still, you remember when it was sexy so you keep wearing it.

Finally, you have your top tier lingerie – La Perla, Elle MacPherson, Agent Provocateur, Eberjey. and Faire Frou Frou.  These are your drop-the-jaw, shut-the-door, mama-and-daddy-are-getting-it-on lingerie.  They are the pieces that when we put then on we feel instantly sexy (and they hold up over the years because they were mad in Italy and France).

They are the pieces that when we put them on we feel instantly sexy.  Like a Pussycat Doll on a mission.  Not all of these pieces have to be expensive.  I have a hot pink slip from Target which makes me feel like Marilyn Monroe.

If you catch my in my top tier undies, chances are you’re getting lucky.

Just writing this makes want to go inventory my lingerie drawers and post pics of me and my favorites.

But since I’m away from home, I’ll have to be satisfied posting my boudoir photos again.

Yum yum.

P.S.  I have a small but impressive collection of vinyl that makes me understand the meaning of the word fetish on a cellular level…

 

Easy access

Every Monday, Tejas cooks me dinner.

But last Monday, I cooked him dinner because he donated his fish and crab from our fishing trip to me.

I made the tastiest, flakiest, fresh, crumb-coated cod filets you can imagine which I served with mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans dressed in a lemon and mustard sauce.

It was delish!

While Tejas was there, I took the opportunity to show him some of the stuff I’ve acquired for my trip to Sweden – specifically my boots.

He encouraged (forced) me to try them on to make sure they fit okay.

And they did.

Then he proceeded to give me unsolicited advice.

Something along the lines of: SLEEP NAKED WITH THE SWEDE.

At least that was his suggestion when I told him I was planning to get a nice, comfy yet sexy nightgown to sleep in.

Hmmmm.

Sleep naked?

There’s another person in the house.

I always wonder what I will do if someone walks in OR if I have to evacuate the house because of a fire or carbon monoxide, etc.

Sleeping naked is not my forte.

If you’re worried about easy access, a nightgown usually hitches up around the waist providing absolutely NO PROTECTION against the onslaught of man.

But then, I came across THIS PAIR OF PAJAMAS on CafePress and I said:

YAAASSSS!

I had to have them.

Sweden AND hockey?

It’s The Swede’s dream.

So folks, I opted to pick not the sexiest pajamas nor the ones that provide the easiest access, but I certainly have selected a popular option.

Sweden and hockey, folks.

There in lies that man’s heart.

Size Six

God!

You know how I LOVE lingerie?

AND Burning Man?

Well, I’m perpetually shopping for items I can bring to Burning Man, especially LINGERIE, since lingerie and bathing suits seems to be par for the course on the playa.

And fuck me for not having a size six body, it would be SO MUCH EASIER if I did.

Instead I have to get custom work and shop plus size rave clothing.

It’s not easy.

Especially since I stumbled across Bad Star Lingerie!

Well, fuck me with a knife and call me Stanley, I literally DROOLED ALL OVER MY COMPUTER SCREEN.

One of the looks I like is the bathing suit layered over a strappy harness.

It’s comfortable, lightweight, but edgy.

Something about it says “grab me by a strap and pull me to you.”

Bad Star Lingerie has THE MOST GORGEOUS PIECES YOU CAN IMAGINE.

So lovely.

So lovely in fact that I suspect I’d choose to wear them along with some pasties covering my nipples.

HOWEVER, that look probably works best on a size six frame.

So all you burner girls out there with tight size six bodies, here you go.

This one’s for you. . .

Panty Fetish

I’m not sure how to write this post without using a lot of euphemisms, so bear with me.

Recently, I’ve run into a guy who has a panty fetish.

Not THAT kind of panty fetish.

He doesn’t like wearing them (though I’ve come across those who do).

He likes to, ahem, sniff them.

Not a clean pair fresh from the laundry pile, mind you.

He prefers panties that have been worn all day and are slightly, ahem, damp.

He asked me to describe what my panties smell like after a day of work.

Now.

I don’t know about you but the only time I sniff my panties is when I’m trying to figure out if that pair on the floor is clean or dirty.

So I said the only thing that came to mind.

They smell sweet and musky.

Well, he just about DIED.

Say it again, he requested.

Sweet and musky.

So now, when I go out on a date with this guy, he is expecting me to hand over to him the panties I am wearing.

Gah!

I do believe that I am going to wear TWO pairs of panties that day.

One pair for reals, and one pair for him.

He’ll get to keep the outer pair of panties while I can continue to enjoy the comfort of my inner pair of panties.

And both of us go home happy.

Underthings

It’s a universal dilemma for women, I think.

You can wear granny panties that SUCK YOU IN (they’re called Spanx) and give you a smooth silhouette, or you can wear sexy lingerie which lets all the lumps and bumps show.

If you desire to wear sexy lingerie AND have a SMOOTH silhouette, you encounter a Catch 22.

The desired outcome is impossible to attain because of contradictory rules and conditions.

Now.

I have (on occasion) worn my SPANX under my clothes to parties and on dates in order to look sleek and smooth.

Those scary looking girdles really hold you in!

Then, when I’m going to “get busy” I go to the bathroom and CHANGE into my sexy underwear.

Something black and lacy, perhaps?

Or vibrant red and trimmed with velvet?

Of course, I always wonder if my date can tell that something is different.

All of a sudden I have a tummy.

Or my hips have love handles.

What’s up with that, he might think?

No one has ever said anything to me, so I suspect I’ve managed to SLIP IT UNDER THEIR RADAR.

But now I’ve bought an under-the-bust corset to even further the charade that I’m shaped like the perfect hourglass.

I imagine I’ll get totally screwed when it comes to getting naked, however.

No pun intended, but it’s virtually impossible to get out of a corset without help.

But it could work to my advantage seeing as how a woman in nothing but an under-the-bust corset is actually pretty damn sexy.

Think voluptuous breasts and an ample rear end.

I’m quite sure I could get this to work for me.

From the mouths of babes

I hoard certain things.

Makeup.

Shoes.

Evening gowns.

Costumes.

Lingerie.

I think it’s very odd that I hoard these things because the truth is (other than the costumes), I BARELY use any of it.

I just feel compelled to buy it.

Take lingerie for instance.

I have five drawers FULL of lingerie.

I used to have seven but I downsized.

The other day I bought aqua, lavender, and pink camisoles for an outfit for Burning Man.

You’d think the shopping was finished after I bought those, but you’d be wrong.

I had to buy matching lingerie.

Why?

Will anyone ever see my lingerie?

I certainly hope so, but it’s not very likely.

The last opportunity I had to show off lingerie was with the Swede and instead of trying to (drunkenly) get into a teddy held together by delicate little straps and lace, I opted to sleep IN THE NUDE.

My son came into my room as I was buying a push up, pink racerback bra.

He glanced at my computer screen, saw the description of the bra, looked me square in the eye and said. . .

“Do you REALLY need a push up bra, mom? Isn’t that being a bit redundant?”

From the mouths of babes.

Save

Latex Panties: The Reality

latexMy latex panties (this exact pair) arrived in the mail and looked like the biggest pair of knickers I’d ever seen.

Be prepared. If you order latex panties online they’re going to look like something your grandma might wear. Minus the whole latex thing, of course because your grandma’s not a freak like that.

I tried to slip into them. It sounded like an orgy of latex balloons rubbing up against each other.

It was absolutely hilarious!

It took me about five minutes to work the panties up my legs and I was cringing the whole time because I sunburned my ass on vacation and the latex dragged against my legs.

Finally, I got them up.

And my butt is either bigger than I remember or I put the panties on the wrong way. My ass hung out for miles.

How did it look?

Not too shabby. I definitely like the look of latex.

The story doesn’t end here though, oh no! You see the other part about wearing latex panties is having to take them off.

I made a tiny little tourniquet with them as I rolled them down my legs. Inch by inch, with the wonderful latex-on-hot-skin sound playing the entire way down.

In the end, I had a tidy little figure eight of latex handcuffing my ankles together.

No one told me this would happen.

And that’s when it occurred to me.

If I was fooling around with someone and he went to remove my panties, he’d have to yank them down my body to a chorus of rubber farts.

Definitely NOT sexy.

But perhaps it doesn’t matter. I mean after all, you’re wearing latex undies and that’s pretty damn sexy.