Soulmate

Do you believe in the concept of SOULMATES?

That is, that there’s someone out there for you who is your perfect match and that you are INTENDED for each other?

You know what I think?

I think it’s a line of bull intended to sell seminars to lonely people who just want to find someone to be with and who will pay to learn all the tricks to meet them.

If you ask me, there’s more than one RIGHT person out there for everyone, it’s just the luck of who you meet and when you meet.

Might explain why the divorce rate is so high too.

Move on to the next one when the previous one has lost its sheen.

Perhaps I’m being harsh.

After all, there is a guy I think about from time to time.

A guy from my past who “got away.”

But then I remember the problems we had and I realize, “Great guy, but not for me.”

So NOT THE ONE.

And NOT MY SOULMATE.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to meet someone who I can spend holidays with.

Who will introduce me to his family, take me out on the weekend, and share a home with me.

But SOULMATES?

Don’t exist.

So don’t go forking over your hard-earned cash to learn how to meet your “eternal beloved.”

Honestly, the best thing I can do to meet someone RIGHT NOW?

Take a class on communication and relationships.

That would improve ALL ASPECTS OF MY LIFE and PREPARE ME TO BE A THOUGHTFUL PARTNER TO ANOTHER PERSON.

And that’s not bitterness talking.

That’s wisdom!

Otherwise people get hurt

michelle1As part of growing up and maturing, I’ve learned more about relationships than I used to know in the past.

For instance, I now know that not every relationship is monogamous.

Some are polyamorous.

And that’s okay.

Relationships aren’t a “one-size-fits-all” scenario.

I have several friends who are poly and it really works for them.

On account of the fact that I’m a jealous little possessive thing, I am not poly, nor am I looking for a poly relationship.

But that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been involved as a secondary with several poly men.

One relationship is working fine. We see each other from time to time and always enjoy each others company.

I like him a great deal and am comfortable with his other relationships.

The other relationship crashed and burned for many reasons not the least of which being that I was a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” hidden girlfriend who was treated more like a booty call than a real girlfriend.

Now, having observed poly relationships for a certain amount of time, I have to say this:

The only way poly works is when EVERYBODY is on the same page. When there are no hidden details and everyone knows what’s going on.

If you’re poly and your partner is not, then you’ve got things to discuss BEFORE YOU CAN SAY YOU’RE IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP.

Otherwise people get hurt.

The Makeout Thread

Sexting has been replaced with the Makeout Thread.

It’s basically a group of women who share their interests, activities, and love lives with each other.

Sometimes there’s a graphic picture or two.

You know me, how I love to flash my boobs. I dare say they’ve gotten more exposure on the thread than Kim Kardashian’s Paper magazine cover.

Okay, maybe not QUITE that much.

It feels a little “Sex and the City” meets “WWF.”

It’s raw. Uncensored. Explicit. Rough.

AND I LOVE IT!

It feeds my inner voyeur while allowing the outer exhibitionist to run free.

It turns me on when my own love life is slow and needs a little inspiration to pick me up.

Because I really need to know about the girl who’s in a Dom/Sub relationship with a man who has two other girlfriends.

Now when would I ever get to experience the excitement of THAT in my life?

And the parade of tits and pussy shots are incredible. I didn’t know you could get tattoos in some of those places, but apparently YOU CAN!

Sometimes I just sit back and think how many men would kill to see the comments and pics I see.

The bottom line is that I AM VERY LUCKY.

Lucky to be in a community of women who share their lives with me.

Lucky to be in a community of women who embrace all forms of TurnON.

Lucky to be a part of an INCREDIBLE group of women who live EXTRAORDINARY lives.

Lucky. Lucky. LUCKY!

EVERYONE should have a Makeout Thread.

Creep

creepOkay, the first thing I’m going to admit is that I can’t hear the word ‘creep’ without having Radiohead’s lyrics to “Creep” ring through my head:

“But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

What the hell am I doing here?

I don’t belong here.”

The truth is I know a lot of creeps.

And I’m okay with that.

I used to get the willies from creeps but that was only until I met creepier creeps.

SUCH AS:

A 50+ year old man who admitted to me that he finds teen girls sexy.

Super creepy!

I can’t even LOOK at 20 something year old young men without thinking about my own sons. So. Not. Sexy.

OR:

Another man who told me he steals ladies panties from the laundromat.

Uber creepy!

So I’m not talking about super creeps and uber creeps – the ones you want to take out restraining orders against.

I’m talking about your garden variety, run-of-the-mill creep.

  • The guy who gives off that funny vibe that makes you feel like you’re standing naked in front of him.
  • The guy who has “horny” written all over his face and you can just tell he’s imagining doing naughty things with you.
  • The guy who you know would get down with you in a millisecond, regardless of where you are and who you are with.

Dare I say it?

I find those guys kinda charming.

Some of my closest friends would probably classify themselves as creeps, in one way or another.

I find something transparent in creeps – as if their deepest desires are barely veiled from the world, ready to be let loose at a moment’s notice.

And it occurs to me that perhaps my fondness for creeps is because I TOO AM A CREEP.

  • Awkward.
  • Giving off a weird vibe.
  • Sexual frustration just brewing beneath the surface.

Yes friends, I’m a creep.

I’m a weirdo.

But don’t you find me the teensiest tiniest bit charming?

You do now, don’t you?

Is FWB the new NSA?

michelleI’m signed up for Google Alerts.

And the only reason this has any relevance whatsoever is that one of the topics I have flagged for notifications is “friends with benefits.”

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of alerts letting me know that people are out there looking for hook ups on Craigslist and more often than not, they state they’re looking for “a continuous FWB.”

NSA is dropping off the charts.

Is it no longer fashionable to admit to wanting No Strings Attached?

Is there something favorable in looking for a Friend with Benefits situation?

Well, let’s examine.

A FWB is someone you hook up with repeatedly, over a period of time. But there’s also some element of socialization involved – beers, cocktails, meals, etc.

I think a NSA lacks that element of social activity. I think a NSA is just a hook up. Maybe it only occurs once. Maybe it happens multiple times whenever the partners need to scratch that itch. But the point is that is all that happens. Itch scratching.

I personally get a feeling of dismay when I see someone looking for a NSA.

  • Why just a NSA?
  • Is something wrong with me?
  • Do you not like me enough to hang with me for drinks?
  • I’m good enough to fuck but not good enough to have a conversation with?
  • Wha?

Whereas when I hear about FWBs I think, “Oh how nice! A mutually beneficial relationship revolving around sex.”

Call me old fashioned but I like my sex to come with a little friendly repartee.

Also. . . I don’t believe that sex ever comes with no strings attached so there’s that.

Ultimately, I do have to say I appreciate the honesty of folks advertising for NSAs. I’m 100% positive they mean exactly as they say while I’m not so certain that some of those FWB folks don’t fall into the NSA category as well but don’t want to admit it.

Perhaps I over simplify.

I can’t be the only one who would prefer to be called a friend rather than a one night stand.

But that’s just me.

Dear you… Love, Me

MichelleI was sick this past weekend with an unpleasant cold and I spent my days in bed watching movies. I rather unwisely chose to watch movies from the ROMANCE genre which had the lovely effect on me of making me sad, lonely, and horny.

I DO NOT recommend watching romance flicks when you’re single. They will only serve to make you feel like an American version of Bridget Jones without the lovely British accent and Mark Darcy waiting in the wings.

Instead of composing blog posts (like I should have been doing), I composed letters in my head to “The One Who Got Away” and “The Man I Can’t Forget.

Romantic letters.

Letters telling him how much I miss him and how I think of him every day.

How my boys still talk about him and ask how he’s doing.

Some boyfriends fade into the background once the relationship is over. Dave, is a perfect example of that. It becomes harder and harder to recall a single memory of the two of us together.

But others, oh other boyfriends take on a life of their own and become your fantasy when you are turned on. The person you compose letters to in your head when you are lonely. And the one whose name pinches your heart a little when you hear it.

Now during the holiday season, the memories are especially strong.

We both LOVED Christmas and had a spectacular time shopping and exploring the Bay Area during the holidays.

We once saw a whole army of Santa Clauses on a beach in Santa Cruz.

j-m1We had drinks at the Ritz-Carlton with his parents and took pictures in front of their ginormous Christmas tree while the bagpipes played in the distance.

I inundated him with gifts, particularly a handmade quilt with a special theme for him.

The letters I write always start out the same.

“Dear you…”

and they end with “Love, me.”

How to recover from a broken heart

MichelleI know breakups are hard.  Lord knows I’ve gone through enough of them.  I’m going through one right now.  It’s never fun when you suddenly have to disentangle yourself from someone who you love/d.  Sometimes it’s like gently releasing your hold on someone and other times it’s like pulling  a tape worm out of your ass… the shit just keeps on coming.

Regardless, know that you can do it and make it out to the other side just fine.

There’s life after a breakup.

Here are my best tips for surviving and doing well after a breakup.

  1. Volunteer. Nothing makes your suffering seem less important than helping others in need. Find a soup kitchen. Volunteer at the library. Just get out and do something.
  2. Adventure out. Don’t just venture out, Adventure out. Pick something fun: white water rafting, racing cars, hot air balloon ride, etc. Nothing like a little adrenaline to heal your broken heart.
  3. Spend time with your family. I know it sounds trite, but no one loves you the way your family loves you. Take the parental units out to dinner. Have cocktails with your sibling. Make a phone call and chat with your cousin. They can help you mend.
  4. Distraction. I’m a firm believer in moving on as quickly as possible and that sometimes means starting to date even when you don’t feel quite ready. Nothing like another man to distract you from the one who broke your heart.
  5. Forgiveness. It’s so much better to forgive than to hold on to old resentments.
  6. Hugs. Get as many hugs as you need to feel better. A 20 second hug releases the hormone oxytocin which combats depression. Go get yourself squeezed.
  7. Self love. Nothing like a little self-care to make you feel better. Go get a hair cut. Take a spa day. Pamper yourself. Do something that makes you feel better.
  8. Exercise. Go for a bike ride or a hit the gym. Take some time to exercise. The endorphins you release will help you to feel better, plus it’s good for you.
  9. Go on a hike. Hiking provides you with exercise but also some quiet time to reflect and enjoy the scenery. Work through some of your tumescence in the quiet of the moist green forest.
  10. Journal. Start in a journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings and then read them to yourself. Do they make sense? Are they rubbish? Sort through the miscellaneous crap to find your truths.

Crazy women

Talking to Steve about some of his ex-girlfriends got me thinking.

I know a lot of men out there in pretty fucked up relationships – everything from no sex to cheating, alcoholism to just plain crazy.

Women who have little to no interest in their own children.

Women who have no job and smoke pot all day.

Women who crawl through windows in the middle of the night.

Women who are violent to their spouses.

Not kidding.

As a single woman, I am privy to a lot of stories about dysfunctional relationships which I hear from the men living them and I have to say that I am astounded by what people will put up with.

All this “research” into fucked up relationships has led me to one conclusion.

I am single because I am NOT FUCKED UP ENOUGH and NOT LOOKING FOR A FUCKED UP RELATIONSHIP.

And basically men can smell the sanity coming off me and that just doesn’t go over well with them.

I don’t need fixing.

I’m not broken.

I don’t like rollercoaster rides.

Ups and downs drive me crazy.

I’m employed and can take care of myself and my kids.

So what’s a man to do when he meets a woman who is not a fixer upper?

Next!

I’ll stop being single when I meet a mellow man who likes my mellowness and appreciates my adventurous side.

I’ll stop being single when I find someone who is NOT FUCKED UP HIMSELF and is looking for the same.

I mean, I’m not perfect but you’re not about to catch me lighting up a doobie and climbing through a window in the middle of the night so I can beat up my boyfriend because he made me mad.

Call me crazy.

My Ideal Man – Needs and Desires

  1. Smart (desire: wise)
  2. Loves music (desire: plays an instrument)
  3. Honest
  4. Adventurous
  5. Looks good in jeans (desire: looks good in a suit/tux)
  6. Tall (desire: big and muscular)
  7. World traveler
  8. Likes camping (desire: has an RV)
  9. My best friend and confidant
  10. Has a bright future
  11. Romantic
  12. Likes sports (desire: plays sports and like the Giants, 49ers, and Sharks)
  13. Has a college degree (desire: has an advanced degree)
  14. Loves me forever
  15. Good at talking/listening
  16. Understands my illness (desire: is my rock when I’m not feeling well)
  17. Generous
  18. Loves my curvy body
  19. Loves my boys like they’re his
  20. Likes to try new things
  21. Passionate (desire: rock star in the bedroom, likes to fuck me A LOT)
  22. Has a big cock (desire: has a big cock)
  23. Affectionate
  24. Has a nice home (desire: in Los Gatos)
  25. Has a good job (desire: job stability)
  26. Good with finances (desire: can help me figure out my own finances)
  27. Positive thinker
  28. My soulmate
  29. Marries me
  30. A great kisser (desire: kisses me A LOT)
  31. Loves animals (desire: lets me have pets)
  32. Encouraging
  33. Stable
  34. Strong
  35. Loving
  36. Likes the outdoors
  37. Funny (desire: makes me laugh all the time)
  38. Protective
  39. Sexy (desire: has facial hair/tattoos/lumberjack)
  40. Understands me
  41. Volunteers (desire:  has a great, big, caring, empathetic heart)

Still Single

Yes, I’m still single.

I know you would like me to meet someone but I have to tell you, more than ever I am really comfortable and embracing my single status.

I’m certainly having a lot of fun as a single woman.  My latest adventures are a testament to that.

And now that I’m OMing, I have an orgasm practice in my life – kinda like yoga.

But beyond that, OMing has brought some real, meaningful friendships into my life with both men and women.

And I find these new connections incredibly fulfilling.

So yes, I may still check my Match and POF emails periodically.  They are, by the way, brimming with messages from men as if they sense my shift in attitude and newfound happiness.  But I’m not in contact with anyone.

And I’m just fine with that.

I’m hoping to find a man who OMs (or wants to learn).