Giving in

Life is too short to wear comfortable shoes, I’ve always said.

Thus, my closet is packed with about 100 pairs of heels, sky high boots, and glittery sandals.

It’s hard to find a pair of sneakers.

I do have a pair of Chuck Taylors.

And two pairs of running shoes.

Which is why it pains me to admit that I broke down and bought comfortable FLATS for my closet.

I just couldn’t take it anymore – walking in to work, balancing on delicate heels, trying not to break an ankle and turn into a yard sale.

My friend Barbara should be THRILLED.

She wears nothing but Tiek flats and she LOVES them.

You better love them if you’re spending over $300 a pair, is what I say!

I did not buy Tieks.

No, instead I bought a few pairs which I think will fit my unnaturally wide feet.

We’re not talking Hobbit-wide feet, just slightly wider than average.

Thus, these new pairs will be joining my closet in a week and will become staples for my wardrobe accessories.

I just can’t wear heels ALL DAY LONG anymore.

It hurts.

I give up!

Full disclosure: This MAY have something to do with me tripping TWICE in my black heels after a long day at work and literally almost RIPPING MY LITTLE TOE OFF MY RIGHT FOOT in the process.

Flats? Click. Buy.

Fishnet dress

Tee hee hee.

I did something REALLY ridiculous.

I mean, not as ridiculous as wearing a snowsuit to a tanning salon, but something nevertheless quite silly.

I bought a fishnet dress.

WTF am I going to do with a FISHNET DRESS?!

Why WEAR IT AT BURNING MAN, of course!

I figure I’ll layer it over one of my black bathing suits and call it a day.

It’s stylish AND air-conditioned.

You know, the older I get, the less fucks I give about what other people think of my body.

It’s funny.

My whole life I tried to HIDE every dimple, flaw, and jiggle on my body.

It’s only now that I’m older that I realize that most people REALLY DON’T CARE.

To quote Dr. Seuss:

My personal theory about nudity, especially in the communities I circulate in, is that most people actually LIKE it.

We LIKE looking at naked and scantily clad bodies.

It’s fun to see all the body diversity that’s out there.

And I’ll tell you this – I’ve learned that EVERYONE (except for Elle Macpherson) has flaws and that flaws make us beautiful.

So yes, I will wear my fishnet dress with pride.

No, I will not be wearing it with a bikini bottom and rainbow pasties.

I’m bold.

But I’m not THAT bold.

Playa Boots: An Evolution

I have a THING for black shit kicker boots.

I’ll admit, it’s totally because of Burning Man.

I love the look of a pair of black platform boots coated in playa dust.

They’re impractical.

They keep you out of the dust, sure but they’re definitely not comfortable.

I have a collection of black shit kicker boots.

I loved my first pair of flatform boots but alas, I turned my ankles in them when I’ve been drinking so I had to find something more stable.

Yes, I once took a header at unSCruz, admid a cluster of people wearing these shoes. It was not a pretty sight.

Fortunately, I didn’t break an ankle.

My second pair of shoes was a pair of totally cool looking platform boots that tickled my fancy.

Unfortunately, they did not allow my curvy calves to fit in them and since I didn’t want to go around looking like a fool with half laced up boots, I retired them.

My third pair of shoes were really awesome, totally frivolous shoes which turned out to be way to painful to wear on a regular basis at Burning Man.

Oh, how my feet ached.

I finally had to switch to flip flops to soothe my aching feet.

I did ATTEMPT to buy something sensible, however I realized when they arrived in the mail that they were JUST TOO SENSIBLE FOR ME.

No oomph. No spark.

So I scrapped those shoes.

I have finally settled on what I think will be the perfect pair of shoes for the burn:

They’re platform boots, but the platform isn’t that high.

Yes, I won’t be 6’2” but that’s a compromise I can live with if I’m able to walk around the playa in comfort.

Once upon a time, I would never have even DREAMED of looking for sensible shoes to wear.

Sadly, as I get older, I appreciate comfort over style.

Or maybe I should say I appreciate mobility on the playa over style.

Either way, three years into going to Burning Man and I’m finally getting the hang of it.

At least the shoe part of it.

FYI, you wanna see my dream boots for Burning Man?

These are them:

Because nothing says frivolous and carefree as succinctly as a pair of rainbow colored stacked heel platform boots.

I heart!

A present for The Swede

Christmas is coming and I am already 110% ahead of the game.

My Christmas cards have been mailed.

My shopping is done.

Even my wrapping is complete.

I’ve annoyed even myself with my efficiency.

Personally, I am thrilled at the selection of gifts I have bought for my friends and family.

None more so than The Swede.

First, I bought him an industrial size box of Swedish Fish.

As a joke, naturally.

Then I proceeded to BREAK INTO the box and ate a bunch of fish so I had to get him something else.

And please, dear Swede, if you are reading this, stop now or your surprise will be RUINED.

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I custom made a tee shirt for The Swede.

Yes. I. Did.

Because I could find a tee shirt that said “Eat, Sleep Hockey” in English, but not in Swedish.

And I figure WHY BUY IT IN ENGLISH if he’s going to be in Sweden wearing it?

It should be in Swedish.

So I translated “Eat, Sleep Hockey” into Swedish “Äta, Sova, Hockey.”

Perfect!

Then I printed it in YELLOW lettering on a ROYAL BLUE tee shirt – the colors of Sweden.

How’s that for a present for you?

I REALLY hope he likes it!

You can’t say I didn’t make an effort. . .

P.S.  I got him a SECOND gift.  Just because I do that sometimes.  Check out this awesome mug I had custom made for him:

Shopping spree

Okay yes, I did MISPLACE my pilgrim costume until AFTER the Pilgrim’s Pub Crawl.

Oops!

The important thing is that I found it and can wear it next year.

Did I mention that I FREAKED out when I thought it was gone and I replaced EVERYTHING?

Yup. So now I have TWO pilgrim costumes.

Which means that I will be wearing my pilgrim costume to Thanksgiving this year.

Just. Because. I. Can.

I also went on a mini spending spree and bought myself fifteen new dresses.

Perhaps in anticipation of having an actual date to wear them on.

You really can’t blame a girl for wanting to get kissed.

Tell me I won’t look absolutely lovely in these dresses. . .

Of course, my closet is fairly busting at the seams with all my clothes and costumes so I have no idea where I will put these new dresses, but where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Can’t wait to wear the pink and purple color block dress.

So 70s!

Swedish Fish

In my usual (neurotic) form, I went shopping on Amazon for The Swede.

Basically, I had nothing better to do but pretend I have a (Swedish) boyfriend to shop for.

Idle hands are the devil’s workshop, no?

Well, I basically don’t know very much about him.

I know he’s Swedish. I know he likes hockey. I know he likes fast cars. I know he likes spicy things.

I flashed back to the time when I STUPIDLY asked him if Swedish Fish really came from Sweden.

He stared at me blankly, answering my question without saying a word.

I found a really cool glass “California” ornament, to remind him of his time in California (and a certain smoldering blond he should like).

I found a vintage heathered blue tee shirt with the Swedish flag on it (but he probably has bunches of these).

I also found the HILARIOUS “Have No Fear The Swede Is Here” tee shirt, which I personally love and can just picture him wearing it when he arrives in California.

swedeThen I looked for hockey stuff, and I came across a Swedish Hockey ornament.

That went in the shopping cart.

But while I was shopping for Swedish hockey stuff, I came across the PERFECT tee for The Swede’s hockey-loving, goalie-playing daughter.

Then I woke up.

I do not have a Swedish boyfriend. His daughter doesn’t even know I exist.

It was fun to look but in the end, I emptied my cart. . .

. . .and bought the Swedish Fish.

Those things are GOOD!

A faster way to spend money

I finally broke down and bought an Echo off of Amazon.

I bought it for one reason and one reason only.

I want to be able to turn my lights on and off with my voice.

That’s about it.

Oh, it’s cool to play music and ask Alexa the time or the weather forecast, but what I’m truly after is voice control lighting.

Tejas and Yvonne have Alexa in their homes.

She can do cool things like set timers, play any song you request, control your thermostat, etc.

Personally, I want to set her up to give me compliments.

“That dress looks SMASHING on you!”

“Have you lost weight?”

“You’re having a GREAT hair day today.”

In that respect, she’ll be a like a surrogate husband, making me feel attractive and sexy.

But Alexa is also a wife.

Because do you know what else she can do?

She can interface with Amazon and order things for you.

Voice activated online shopping.

Just what I need.

A faster way to spend money.

When I’m really annoying

I went and did the unthinkable.

The somewhat abominable.

The incredibly annoying.

I finished my Christmas shopping BEFORE Christmas.

Yes folks, I managed to get all my Christmas shopping done in record time this year.

I even ordered my Christmas cards.

I hope to have them completed and ready to mail the day after Thanksgiving.

While I’m aware that most people find early Christmas prep annoying, I have a good reason for preparing early.

I simply LOVE giving gifts.

And I think I’m pretty good at picking out exactly what is useful and fun for the gift recipient.

When I was married, my ex-husband’s birthday was December 14th.

So I’d shop for all his Christmas presents and birthday presents at the same time.

THEN, I’d give ALL OF THEM TO HIM for his birthday.

Just because I was so excited to gift them to him I couldn’t wait.

Which meant I then had to go shopping at the last minute for MORE GIFTS FOR HIM.

That man made out like a bandit during the holidays!

Here are a few items from my Pinterest board “Gifts for Guys.”

Maybe it’ll inspire your Christmas shopping.

Maybe you’ll see something for yourself.

Enjoy!

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Save water drink beer tee

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In dog beers I’ve only had one tee

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Slouchy knit beanie

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Yoda lights

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Sport water bottle for you and your dog

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Campfire candle

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Hoops in the tub

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Antartica: A Biography

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Chocolate flavored whiskey

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Power bed riser

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YOLO Just kidding tee

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Beer pong table

 

Save

Etsy thinks I’m a black woman

afro1

Etsy thinks I’m a black woman with pierced nipples.

How do I know this?

Because in “Our Recommendations” I have a bunch of tribal clothing and jewelry AND nipple piercing jewelry.

I like all the tribal stuff.

Screen Shot 2016-04-06 at 12.42.58 PMIt’s bright and colorful and very me.

But the nipple piercing jewelry? Not so much.

Screen Shot 2016-04-06 at 12.44.33 PMMy poor nipples recoil at the thought of getting a silver bar stabbed through them.

No thank you, I’ll keep them just as God created them.

Besides, it would DRIVE ME NUTS to have something stimulating them all day. I’d either be distracted ALL THE TIME or I’d become completely DESENSITIZED, which for obvious reasons is NOT AT ALL GOOD.

Now, I know why the tribal clothing and jewelry is in my Recommendations.

It’s because I did a search for “large earrings” and I liked a bunch of tribal earrings.

Screen Shot 2016-04-06 at 1.04.36 PMBut I NEVER searched or liked nipple piercings.

  1. I’d be afraid of the NSFW search results.
  2. I DON’T HAVE PIERCED NIPPLES.

Now, I have (on occasion) searched for nipple CLAMPS, but that’s a totally different BEAST.

Or BREAST, as the case may be.

Latex farts

Etsy has a feature where it takes your browsing history and makes “suggestions” for other things you might like.

I’ve always enjoyed this feature since I get to see things similar to what I search for but that I never found.

Pretty cool.

So imagine my surprise when, given my recent “pasties” browsing session, etsy started suggesting latex clothes for me to wear.

Really?

Isn’t the leap from pasties to latex lingerie a bit far?

Of course, I had my own adventure with latex underwear to, as I like to call it, “a chorus of latex farts.”

Despite this, I actually LIKE latex.

However I doubt that it will look stunningly awesome on me.

More like a sausage poured into a cocktail straw – it’s all in there but it’s spilling out and busting at the seams.

Nevertheless, here are some of the looks etsy thinks I *might* like:

latex latex
latex latex

 

I sincerely doubt that latex is a good “fabric” for the playa.

All that heat and that dust must make for sticky fun – hence “a chorus of latex farts.”

I think I’m better off with clothes that breathe and are made of natural fibers.

But oh latex. . . how I do love thee!

If I could wear you, I would.