Etsy thinks I’m a black woman

afro1

Etsy thinks I’m a black woman with pierced nipples.

How do I know this?

Because in “Our Recommendations” I have a bunch of tribal clothing and jewelry AND nipple piercing jewelry.

I like all the tribal stuff.

Screen Shot 2016-04-06 at 12.42.58 PMIt’s bright and colorful and very me.

But the nipple piercing jewelry? Not so much.

Screen Shot 2016-04-06 at 12.44.33 PMMy poor nipples recoil at the thought of getting a silver bar stabbed through them.

No thank you, I’ll keep them just as God created them.

Besides, it would DRIVE ME NUTS to have something stimulating them all day. I’d either be distracted ALL THE TIME or I’d become completely DESENSITIZED, which for obvious reasons is NOT AT ALL GOOD.

Now, I know why the tribal clothing and jewelry is in my Recommendations.

It’s because I did a search for “large earrings” and I liked a bunch of tribal earrings.

Screen Shot 2016-04-06 at 1.04.36 PMBut I NEVER searched or liked nipple piercings.

  1. I’d be afraid of the NSFW search results.
  2. I DON’T HAVE PIERCED NIPPLES.

Now, I have (on occasion) searched for nipple CLAMPS, but that’s a totally different BEAST.

Or BREAST, as the case may be.

Practice makes perfect

Somebody’s birthday is creeping up.

She’ll be seventeen.

Oh boy, do you REMEMBER 17?

It was GRAND!

Lucky girl, to be so young with her life ahead of her.

I got to pick out her present today and I’ve got to admit, I went FULL GIRL!

Lipstick/lip gloss set, eye shadow palette, face masks, mini spa kit, Hello Kitty nail kit, and lip smackers (because no self-respecting teenage girl shouldn’t have these flavored chapsticks in their makeup kit).

I also got (unsurprisingly) a pineapple makeup bag to put everything in.

God, I hope it all fits!

My final touch was to get a cute little pusheen keychain – a kitty riding a seahorse.

Literally, the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

So here’s hoping she likes her gifts, despite the fact that I suspect she has a tomboy streak in her.

To be honest, it’s not all that easy shopping for a young lady you don’t know very well.

Especially when all you have are boys.

But that’s about to change too, if you know what I mean.

The only time I get to shop for girls is when it’s Christmas time and I get to buy presents for my Aunt Stacey, my cousin Jennifer and my niece Bella.

Practice makes perfect.

When Pinterest fails. . .

I LOVE Pinterest.

There’s nothing quite like having a board with all your links organized by theme on the internet.

Sadly, I’ve discovered some of those links no longer work after a few months or so and it becomes obsolete.

I have a Pinterest board with gift ideas for my family which is VERY outdated.

The links BARELY work.

But the ideas are still there.

So I’ve looked up my favorites in Amazon and am posting them here where I can have easy access to them.

Feel free to poach ideas from this list.

I am a master at giving fun, relevant gifts to friends and family.

 

I bought a custom mug for The Swede and he loves it.  Customize one for any beer lover. And let’s face it, who isn’t?! $22

My mom LOVES these little collapsible bags in fruit shapes and I do too. $13

There’s nothing quite like a letterpress calendar to make me swoon. $25

Boot socks!  Ingenious! $13

Get a journal for any budding writer (or blogger). $11

Galaxy socks.  Out of this world! $13

Sweet pajama top. $17

Cupcake maker.  For the sweet tooth. $27

Wine flight, for the wine enthusiast. $35

Perfect double highball.  Sturdy and tip resistant. $13

Chocolate covered apricots from Marini’s Candies.  Yum! $40

Perfect for the garage or man cave. $60

Wine aerator, for the wine aficionado. $22

Oh how I love amaryllis.  Gorgeous winter blooms! $19

Perfect hostess gift. $17

I have family members who would slay for this game. $29

My team, the Sloth Running Team $15

Release your inner pirate.  $17

Death Wish Coffee – quite possibly the STRONGEST coffee on the market?  Worth a try!  $20

Snarky, but who doesn’t love a little snark? $13

$35 for a deck of cards?  Yes, but look how BEAUTIFUL they are! $35

I love Princess Bride, don’t you? $22

The Discovery Channel’s Planet Earth Collector’s Edition.  Be amazed! $55

Know anyone who likes puzzles AND building this?  Then this. . . $39

Perfect holiday tablecloth for the ENTERTAINER $24

 

Fondle my bunny tail

It’s been a while since I role played.

Like years.

It’s not that I have anything against it.

It’s just that usually I’m in such a hurry to GET BUSY that I don’t have the time to make up a story and act it out.

Not at all.

I lack that feminine detail, I guess.

I’m always running to the fucking finish line, oblivious that there’s actual beauty to be observed and enjoyed on the path there.

Well, etsy is now trying to encourage me to role play by selecting favorites that are. . . ummm. . .how can I put this?

Out of this world?

Well, out of this SPECIES to say the least.

I’m pretty sure all this happened because I was looking for bunny ears for the Pagan Bunny Burn.

Or maybe because I bought latex pasties for a costume.

Either way, I now have animal-themed leather BDSM masks popping up in my favorites.

Bunny.

Mouse.

Cat.

To tell you the truth, I WAS tempted by the bunny, but not because I want someone to scratch my belly and feed me carrots.

No.

More like because it adds a certain ELEMENT to my bunny costume.

A sort of wicked, let-me-tempt-you, fondle my bunny tail kinda way.

Care Package

I’m putting together a care package for The Swede and his daughter.

I took back so much deliciousness from Sweden, it only seems fair to share my California with them.

But what to get?

Fucking Ghost Pepper Nuts!

And Caroline Reaper Jerky!

You know, just to say “thanks for destroying my taste buds when you fed me that spicy chocolate truffle.”

It’s my way of returning the favor.

Of course Tejas contributed to the package with his Ghost Pepper Infused Salt.

Mmmmm.

Nothing says “you’re special” like a third degree burn to the lips.

Am I right?

I jest.

And I got Sriracha sauce just because MAYBE they don’t have it in Sweden and who doesn’t LOVE Sriracha sauce?

But seriously, I also picked up some Dayquil/Nyquil for them since it’s not available in Sweden.

Hopefully it will slip by customs.

And then there’s a small but select pile of makeup and skin care products for The Swede’s daughter.

Because I have NO IDEA what else to get her.

And finally, I picked up some SWEDISH FISH for them.

Because they have FISH CANDY in Sweden, but not SWEDISH FISH.

A box of that will remedy the situation.

So whaddya think?

Is it a good care package?

Giving in

Life is too short to wear comfortable shoes, I’ve always said.

Thus, my closet is packed with about 100 pairs of heels, sky high boots, and glittery sandals.

It’s hard to find a pair of sneakers.

I do have a pair of Chuck Taylors.

And two pairs of running shoes.

Which is why it pains me to admit that I broke down and bought comfortable FLATS for my closet.

I just couldn’t take it anymore – walking in to work, balancing on delicate heels, trying not to break an ankle and turn into a yard sale.

My friend Barbara should be THRILLED.

She wears nothing but Tiek flats and she LOVES them.

You better love them if you’re spending over $300 a pair, is what I say!

I did not buy Tieks.

No, instead I bought a few pairs which I think will fit my unnaturally wide feet.

We’re not talking Hobbit-wide feet, just slightly wider than average.

Thus, these new pairs will be joining my closet in a week and will become staples for my wardrobe accessories.

I just can’t wear heels ALL DAY LONG anymore.

It hurts.

I give up!

Full disclosure: This MAY have something to do with me tripping TWICE in my black heels after a long day at work and literally almost RIPPING MY LITTLE TOE OFF MY RIGHT FOOT in the process.

Flats? Click. Buy.

Fishnet dress

Tee hee hee.

I did something REALLY ridiculous.

I mean, not as ridiculous as wearing a snowsuit to a tanning salon, but something nevertheless quite silly.

I bought a fishnet dress.

WTF am I going to do with a FISHNET DRESS?!

Why WEAR IT AT BURNING MAN, of course!

I figure I’ll layer it over one of my black bathing suits and call it a day.

It’s stylish AND air-conditioned.

You know, the older I get, the less fucks I give about what other people think of my body.

It’s funny.

My whole life I tried to HIDE every dimple, flaw, and jiggle on my body.

It’s only now that I’m older that I realize that most people REALLY DON’T CARE.

To quote Dr. Seuss:

My personal theory about nudity, especially in the communities I circulate in, is that most people actually LIKE it.

We LIKE looking at naked and scantily clad bodies.

It’s fun to see all the body diversity that’s out there.

And I’ll tell you this – I’ve learned that EVERYONE (except for Elle Macpherson) has flaws and that flaws make us beautiful.

So yes, I will wear my fishnet dress with pride.

No, I will not be wearing it with a bikini bottom and rainbow pasties.

I’m bold.

But I’m not THAT bold.

Playa Boots: An Evolution

I have a THING for black shit kicker boots.

I’ll admit, it’s totally because of Burning Man.

I love the look of a pair of black platform boots coated in playa dust.

They’re impractical.

They keep you out of the dust, sure but they’re definitely not comfortable.

I have a collection of black shit kicker boots.

I loved my first pair of flatform boots but alas, I turned my ankles in them when I’ve been drinking so I had to find something more stable.

Yes, I once took a header at unSCruz, admid a cluster of people wearing these shoes. It was not a pretty sight.

Fortunately, I didn’t break an ankle.

My second pair of shoes was a pair of totally cool looking platform boots that tickled my fancy.

Unfortunately, they did not allow my curvy calves to fit in them and since I didn’t want to go around looking like a fool with half laced up boots, I retired them.

My third pair of shoes were really awesome, totally frivolous shoes which turned out to be way to painful to wear on a regular basis at Burning Man.

Oh, how my feet ached.

I finally had to switch to flip flops to soothe my aching feet.

I did ATTEMPT to buy something sensible, however I realized when they arrived in the mail that they were JUST TOO SENSIBLE FOR ME.

No oomph. No spark.

So I scrapped those shoes.

I have finally settled on what I think will be the perfect pair of shoes for the burn:

They’re platform boots, but the platform isn’t that high.

Yes, I won’t be 6’2” but that’s a compromise I can live with if I’m able to walk around the playa in comfort.

Once upon a time, I would never have even DREAMED of looking for sensible shoes to wear.

Sadly, as I get older, I appreciate comfort over style.

Or maybe I should say I appreciate mobility on the playa over style.

Either way, three years into going to Burning Man and I’m finally getting the hang of it.

At least the shoe part of it.

FYI, you wanna see my dream boots for Burning Man?

These are them:

Because nothing says frivolous and carefree as succinctly as a pair of rainbow colored stacked heel platform boots.

I heart!

A present for The Swede

Christmas is coming and I am already 110% ahead of the game.

My Christmas cards have been mailed.

My shopping is done.

Even my wrapping is complete.

I’ve annoyed even myself with my efficiency.

Personally, I am thrilled at the selection of gifts I have bought for my friends and family.

None more so than The Swede.

First, I bought him an industrial size box of Swedish Fish.

As a joke, naturally.

Then I proceeded to BREAK INTO the box and ate a bunch of fish so I had to get him something else.

And please, dear Swede, if you are reading this, stop now or your surprise will be RUINED.

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I custom made a tee shirt for The Swede.

Yes. I. Did.

Because I could find a tee shirt that said “Eat, Sleep Hockey” in English, but not in Swedish.

And I figure WHY BUY IT IN ENGLISH if he’s going to be in Sweden wearing it?

It should be in Swedish.

So I translated “Eat, Sleep Hockey” into Swedish “Äta, Sova, Hockey.”

Perfect!

Then I printed it in YELLOW lettering on a ROYAL BLUE tee shirt – the colors of Sweden.

How’s that for a present for you?

I REALLY hope he likes it!

You can’t say I didn’t make an effort. . .

P.S.  I got him a SECOND gift.  Just because I do that sometimes.  Check out this awesome mug I had custom made for him:

Shopping spree

Okay yes, I did MISPLACE my pilgrim costume until AFTER the Pilgrim’s Pub Crawl.

Oops!

The important thing is that I found it and can wear it next year.

Did I mention that I FREAKED out when I thought it was gone and I replaced EVERYTHING?

Yup. So now I have TWO pilgrim costumes.

Which means that I will be wearing my pilgrim costume to Thanksgiving this year.

Just. Because. I. Can.

I also went on a mini spending spree and bought myself fifteen new dresses.

Perhaps in anticipation of having an actual date to wear them on.

You really can’t blame a girl for wanting to get kissed.

Tell me I won’t look absolutely lovely in these dresses. . .

Of course, my closet is fairly busting at the seams with all my clothes and costumes so I have no idea where I will put these new dresses, but where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Can’t wait to wear the pink and purple color block dress.

So 70s!