Fuck You Very Very Much

Honestly, people are so CLEVER I could just die from amusement.

Here’s the latest:

@lessthanladylike

dear Mitch McConnell. a love letter. candle in the shop, with donations to Amy McGrath #notorious #notoriousrbg #rbg #ruthbaderginsburg #fundraiser

♬ Fuck You – Lily Allen

I bought a candle at Less Than Ladylike Candle Company just because I LOVE the idea and because I’ve donated to Amy McGrath’s campaign already.

Needing comfort

Today I went grocery shopping at 6 am.

If you know me well, then you know that I typically don’t do anything at 6 am besides sleep.

And I never grocery shop.

I always use Instacart or Safeway delivery.

I was wearing a mask and gloves along with my velour striped elephant pants and pineapple tank top.

Hey, who needs to be fashionable in a pandemic?

I changed out of my shopping clothes to be safe and as I put on a blue maxi dress, I lamented that I don’t have comfy sweats to wear.

I remedied that RIGHT AWAY and bought a few cozy pajama pants and a velour track suit off of Amazon:

Because when working from home, COMFORT IS KEY!

So there you have it – nice, warm pajamas for work (I’ll slip into something more appropriate for virtual meetings, though).

To be honest, I’m kind of proud of myself, not for buying sweat clothes, but for doing grocery shopping for the family – something I HATE to do unless it’s online.

But challenging times call for special measures.

It’s going to get worse before it gets any better.

And here is a video with tips on how to keep the novel corona virus out of your house.

Mother’s Day Gift Ideas

Stress makes me shop. And seeing as how Mothers Day is only a month or so away, I went shopping on Amazon for my mom. Check out what I’m eyeballing.  Course, I’d love to receive ANY of these gifts (so if you know my kids. . .):

Aran blanket- $114.95

Bulb vases – $18.66

Temperature controlled mug -$129.95

3-wick candle – $22.95

Farmhouse bedding – $139.90

Bedside carafe – $33.49

Beauty box subscription – $25-$33/month

Bath oil collection – $60

Self-care box subscription – $35-$40/month

Prosecco – $14.99

Facial in a box – $50

Vegan lipstick set – $69

Rose bath set – $29.51

Romance novel box subscription – $28-$35/month

Taste the rainbow

Valentine’s Day has got me all hot and bothered.

But not for a date.

No.

I’m binging on lingerie AGAIN, because I haven’t bought any in such a long time so in typical fashion I am TOTALLY throwing myself into it.

Today I shopped the rainbow of lingerie:

 

Oh, shopping for lingerie is SO DANGEROUS!

I’m sorely tempted to buy a shit ton of lingerie to wear to Burning Man.

Because my fellow burners really need to see me rocking boyshorts and a matching bralette.

Right?

Which ones should I collect?

Gifts for Pet Lovers

I have loved my fair share of cats and dogs, although currently only have birds and hamsters.  Here’s some dog and cat related gift ideas which will please any pet lovers.

$30 Walky Dog.  This is PERFECT for those large breed dogs you need to run to burn off all their energy. I know firsthand.

$10 Cool Pooch water bottle. Sip water with your dog WITHOUT swapping spit.

$24 Friends Forever laser cat toy. Because playing with their little kitty cat minds is FUN!

$16 – Plush narwhal stuffed toy. Let’s face it, narwhals are IN.

$31-$150 – Super soft cuddler for dogs and cats. Do they make one for human too?

$149 – Treat tossing toy.  To stay in touch with your dog even after you leave the house.

$8 – Small pet microchip (to be administered by a vet).  Fastest way to find a (GOD FORBID) lost beloved pet.

$25 – Reflective dog bandana.  Safety when you’re out walking your pooch.

$25 – Dapper Dog curated monthly treat box.  Because the only thing better than a treat, is a MONTHLY TREAT!

$13 – Taco toy for dogs.  Because who doesn’t love tacos, especially when they’re THIS cute?

$17 – Dental cleaning treat toy.  Perfect for oral hygiene.

$37-$108 – Custom pet portrait.  For the pet lover who REALLY adores their pet.

$9 – Catnip treats.  You ever watch a cat on catnip?  Oh, the entertainment!

$13 – Pet grooming glove.  Prevent pesky matts and remove excess fur.

$17 – Fair Isle pet sweater.  Have the best dressed dog on the block.  If you dress your pet.

Gift ideas: Beverages and more!

A newly curated list of mostly beverage-related items which I think would make cool stocking stuffers or gifts for friends and family:

$150 Seriously blinged out iPhone case

$7 Cute cosmetic bag, many designs but this one has my heart

$24 Silicon wine glasses for the hot tub/bath tub

$23 Folding lap desk so I can stay in bed longer

$25 Boho cotton throw blanket with colors I LOVE

$50  Indoor smores maker for smores, especially when it’s cold out

$13 Wine tumbler with lid, for Burning Man, hot tub fun, etc.

$10 Tweexy for nail polish for a perfect manicure

$19 Stainless steel mugs with lids, perfect for Burning Man

$31 Viking mug because I still think about The Swede

$10 Gardening gloves, or some serious backscratching

$15 Skull ice cube tray because it’s cool

$18 Cutting board, ’tis the season for CHEESE spreads

$46 Bartending kit, because I love a good bartending kit in the wet bar

$15 Tea mug with infuser, which is just TOO CUTE

$200 Oculus VR headset, because everyone needs to experience The Magic (I love it!)

$23 Cocktail kit for airplane rides, just add booze

$64 Cheeseboard, another magnificent cheese board, with knives and pull out trays

 $26 Melamine spreaders so bright and cute

$35 Book-scented candle to pretend like you’re in the library

$10 Multi kitchen tool for perfect meals

$16 Flask because it’s cool

$12 Rainbow party cup for Burner BYOC parties

$8 Narwhal tea infuser because NARWHALS ARE AWESOME AT FIGHTING TERRORISTS

$17 Cocktail garden kit to grow your own herbs for cocktails

$25 Journal for the writer in you 🙂

Skin

I read a GREAT Tinder profile by a man who LISTED ALL THE THINGS HE’D LEARNED SINCE JOINING TINDER.

My favorite was “CD does not stand for COMPACT DISC!”

What does it stand for, I asked my youngest kid?

But he had no idea.

Certificate of Deposit?

I don’t think so.

Color Display?

Unlikely.

Cross Dresser?

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

We have a WINNER!

You might wonder, why is Michelle writing about cross dressers?

Well, while looking for costumes on Amazon, I stumbled across this:

A woman SUIT!

Like you can go ahead and slip into it and become a woman.

In true American fashion, the bodysuit comes with SIZE F BREASTS.

Crazy, huh?

I did not expect to find that on Amazon.

But it seems much better than putting the lotion on its skin or else getting the hose again.

Christmas Shopping

I’ve been shopping for all my friends and family and have selected some wonderful items to gift them with.

I may create a few curated themed shopping gift lists, but for now, here’s my hodge podge list of gifts (even some for myself):1. Star earrings – $14

For Robin, because every time I see stars, I think of her.

2. Pearl scrunchie – $32

Also for Robin, because it’s fancy, just like her.

3. Eberjey robe – starts at $45

For my mom, because nothing warms the heart more than a soft robe in her favorite color.

4. Camp hair, don’t care hat – $23

Irony for Jennifer, because her hair always looks amazing, even when camping.

5. Flannel pajamas – starts at $15

For my youngest kid, who seems to always wear them out of the house because they’re cozy.

6. Python print booties – $44

Because they’re wildly popular right now.

7. Pearl headband – $38

For Robin, because it’s beautiful, just like her.

8. Duraline liquid sealer – $20

For me, because it turns any powdered eye shadow into a liner.  Oh, the possibilities!

9. Shuttle Arts marking pens – $23

For my nephews, because they love to create art as much as I enjoy watching them.

10. Toilet night light – $11

For you, because you never knew you needed this until you installed it.

11. Diffuser – $27

For me, because work can be stressful and aromatherapy helps.

12. Surge protector – $16

For my dad, who never seems to have enough USB charging outlets.

13. 2020 Monthly calendar – $11

For me, because I love a sunshine-colored weekly planner that helps me stay organized.

14. Himalayan Body Scrub – $12

For my youngest, because it’s perfect.

15. Chocolate covered cookie gift basket – $28

For my family, because the only thing better than a cookie is a chocolate-covered cookie!

16. Magnetic car phone mount – $16

For me, because I need to mount my phone so I’m not looking down at it. NOTE:  It even comes in ROSE GOLD!

17. Power bank – $28

For everyone, since the PG&E is shutting down the power in California.

18. 3D Wooden puzzle – $30

For my nephews, who love to build things.

19. Cat fountain – $15

For my sister and her FIVE cats!

20. Silver backpack – $96

For me, because it looks pretty.

Shopping for ex boyfriends

It’s the holiday season which means I’m in full present-buying mode.

I’m totally on the prowl for awesome gifts I can give to my family and friends.

I click on every Gift Idea List that I cross paths with – Amazon, Forbes, blog-based lists – you name it, I’ve been there.

The funny thing is that I still shop for my ex-boyfriends.

The other day, I saw a beautiful crab fabric on Spoonflower and instantly thought of my ex who had a thing for crabs.

In my mind, I was sewing crab pajamas for him.

And, of course the minute I see hot sauce I think of The Swede who is happily coupled up with a lovely Swedish lady.

I’ve never known someone to be as into spicy foods as he is.

I’m not sure how he still has a stomach lining.

Must be all that Viking food!

Naturally, even though I get the impulse to gift my exes, I never follow through.

That would just be sheer lunacy!

But the urge is there, every time I spot something PERFECT for someone I used to date I think, “Oh, he’d be so thrilled to get this!”

Even after all these years, habits are still hard to break.

Etsy thinks I’m a black woman

afro1

Etsy thinks I’m a black woman with pierced nipples.

How do I know this?

Because in “Our Recommendations” I have a bunch of tribal clothing and jewelry AND nipple piercing jewelry.

I like all the tribal stuff.

Screen Shot 2016-04-06 at 12.42.58 PMIt’s bright and colorful and very me.

But the nipple piercing jewelry? Not so much.

Screen Shot 2016-04-06 at 12.44.33 PMMy poor nipples recoil at the thought of getting a silver bar stabbed through them.

No thank you, I’ll keep them just as God created them.

Besides, it would DRIVE ME NUTS to have something stimulating them all day. I’d either be distracted ALL THE TIME or I’d become completely DESENSITIZED, which for obvious reasons is NOT AT ALL GOOD.

Now, I know why the tribal clothing and jewelry is in my Recommendations.

It’s because I did a search for “large earrings” and I liked a bunch of tribal earrings.

Screen Shot 2016-04-06 at 1.04.36 PMBut I NEVER searched or liked nipple piercings.

  1. I’d be afraid of the NSFW search results.
  2. I DON’T HAVE PIERCED NIPPLES.

Now, I have (on occasion) searched for nipple CLAMPS, but that’s a totally different BEAST.

Or BREAST, as the case may be.