Blue Velvet

I spontaneously bought a royal blue stretch velvet jumpsuit.

Yes, I did.

Why, you ask?

Because it looked beautiful on the internet and I JUST FELL IN LOVE WITH IT.

For a moment.

Long enough for me to pull out my pocketbook, size myself up, and PURCHASE the jumpsuit.

No, I’m not having Elvis fantasies.

Though could you blame me for wanting to play Ann Margaret to his Elvis Presley?

Can you blame a girl for falling in love?

It’s looks divine.

I either have the WORST taste in clothes, or I’m one stylish bitch!

LOL 🙂

Love Language

‘Tis the season. . .

. . . for a motherload of marketing emails.

Everyone has something to sell me this holiday season.

Little do they know that I’VE ALREADY BOUGHT ALL MY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

Because of this, I find the incessant stream of store emails incredibly annoying and I am taking the time to unsubscribe from the grievous offenders.

I estimate I’m getting about 1,000 emails a day, from all sorts of companies trying to sell me stuff.

I have a friend Joe, who doesn’t participate in gift exchanges.

He thinks they’re too commercial and encourage spending money on things that aren’t really necessary.

This is true.

My dad doesn’t need a coffee maker and my mom doesn’t need more wine, but I can’t help myself.

I love gifting.

It’s my love language, or something silly like that.

Nevertheless, all these emails are turning me into a Scrooge.

I can only hope that the emails will slow down once Cyber Monday is over with.

Facebook’s algorhithms

Once upon a time, I HAPPENED to mention in passing that I was thinking of buying a something-or-other.

Verbally.

As in out loud, without typing a stroke on a computer.

Not a day later, I started seeing ads on Facebook for something-or-others.

The best something-or-others out there on the market.

With the most competitive prices.

Something like that happened today.

I bought a Nine Line t-shirt for my son – a pro-gun shirt because he supports the Second Amendment.

No judgment.

I happen to know he will LOVE this gift.

I can already hear his high falsetto voice cooing at me, “You REALLY know me, don’t you mom?”

Now, I’m getting ads for Shield Republic and other patriotism-focused stores and I’m amused.

Don’t get me wrong.

I’m not amused because the algorithms might think I’m a Republican.

I’m amused because those algorithms have to reconcile the fact that on the one hand I bought a Second Amendment t-shirt but on the other hand, I also bought a rainbow LGBTQ face mask.

I defy definition.

[Mic drop]

Christmas 2020

I hate to say it.

It’s going to drive all of you crazy but I’ve almost finished my Christmas shopping.

That’s right, I’ve done almost all my Christmas shopping and it’s only mid-November.

This is par for the course with me.

I managed to get some really great deals on stuff for my family and friends..

I’m always on top of things when it comes to buying presents.

And getting ready for Christmas.

Mostly because once my birthday is over, I go into FULL HOLIDAY MODE and start buying presents, planning my Christmas cards, and decorating.

This will be an unusual year because of covid.

We might have to celebrate in our garage.

My brother has two young children and because I do this every year, I got them ornaments of their spirit animals (a seahorse and a black cat) for their Christmas tree to put on the presents I bought them.

So here’s to the start of this weird and wacky Christmas season.

May your days be filled with love and Christmas cheer, even in these challenging times.

Poor impulse control

I’m of Norwegian descent.

Bear with me.

There’s a reason I’m telling you this.

As a plus size woman of Norwegian descent, I’m always looking for examples of my bodies on other people.

You know this, ladies.

Do we or do we not get a little thrill when we come across someone who shares our size and shape?

So there I am, browsing Instagram when this plus model pops up in my stream:

And I HAPPEN to notice that she’s Norwegian.

And there’s something about her, even though I’m blond and she’s brunette, that reminds me of myself.

So I follow her.

I also happen to notice that she’s wearing a really sexy cherub/angel print mesh dress which I think will make a lovely sexy nightie, should I EVER have the occasion of needing a nightie to impress upon a man that I’m quite sexy.

So I BOUGHT it.

And here I sit, one hour later totally regretting the purchase.

Because the last thing I need is another nightie to stuff into one of the seven already overflowing drawers that I have.

All because of a cute Norwegian girl.

Like me.

Time marches on

When I was a kid, my parents TORTURED me by taking me antique shopping.

I SWEAR, there is nothing less interesting for a teenager than antiques.

Then I got older, bought a house, and needed to decorate it.

Suddenly, antique shopping started to look good.

Hunting for treasures amid a field of garbage.

Finding something REMARKABLE for a steal.

My parents hobby was suddenly diminished by my own obsession with antiquing.

Which is why I was so surprised when I discovered a show called American Pickers.

It’s about a couple of dudes and the occasional chick who travel all over to places in the US finding and buying antique treasures.

Watching this show has reminded me of how much I like antiques.

AND how some people will hold on to anything.

It’s an exercise in claustrophobia when I watch the show.

Talk about pack rats.

But then, occasionally some really neat old stuff shows up.

It just goes to show: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

But that thrill of peeling through layers of old junk to find something beautiful and unique and treasured is not lost on me.

Time marches on but occasionally you can capture a memory of it.

Fuck You Very Very Much

Honestly, people are so CLEVER I could just die from amusement.

Here’s the latest:

@lessthanladylike

dear Mitch McConnell. a love letter. candle in the shop, with donations to Amy McGrath #notorious #notoriousrbg #rbg #ruthbaderginsburg #fundraiser

♬ Fuck You – Lily Allen

I bought a candle at Less Than Ladylike Candle Company just because I LOVE the idea and because I’ve donated to Amy McGrath’s campaign already.

Needing comfort

Today I went grocery shopping at 6 am.

If you know me well, then you know that I typically don’t do anything at 6 am besides sleep.

And I never grocery shop.

I always use Instacart or Safeway delivery.

I was wearing a mask and gloves along with my velour striped elephant pants and pineapple tank top.

Hey, who needs to be fashionable in a pandemic?

I changed out of my shopping clothes to be safe and as I put on a blue maxi dress, I lamented that I don’t have comfy sweats to wear.

I remedied that RIGHT AWAY and bought a few cozy pajama pants and a velour track suit off of Amazon:

Because when working from home, COMFORT IS KEY!

So there you have it – nice, warm pajamas for work (I’ll slip into something more appropriate for virtual meetings, though).

To be honest, I’m kind of proud of myself, not for buying sweat clothes, but for doing grocery shopping for the family – something I HATE to do unless it’s online.

But challenging times call for special measures.

It’s going to get worse before it gets any better.

And here is a video with tips on how to keep the novel corona virus out of your house.

Mother’s Day Gift Ideas

Stress makes me shop. And seeing as how Mothers Day is only a month or so away, I went shopping on Amazon for my mom. Check out what I’m eyeballing.  Course, I’d love to receive ANY of these gifts (so if you know my kids. . .):

Aran blanket- $114.95

Bulb vases – $18.66

Temperature controlled mug -$129.95

3-wick candle – $22.95

Farmhouse bedding – $139.90

Bedside carafe – $33.49

Beauty box subscription – $25-$33/month

Bath oil collection – $60

Self-care box subscription – $35-$40/month

Prosecco – $14.99

Facial in a box – $50

Vegan lipstick set – $69

Rose bath set – $29.51

Romance novel box subscription – $28-$35/month

Taste the rainbow

Valentine’s Day has got me all hot and bothered.

But not for a date.

No.

I’m binging on lingerie AGAIN, because I haven’t bought any in such a long time so in typical fashion I am TOTALLY throwing myself into it.

Today I shopped the rainbow of lingerie:

 

Oh, shopping for lingerie is SO DANGEROUS!

I’m sorely tempted to buy a shit ton of lingerie to wear to Burning Man.

Because my fellow burners really need to see me rocking boyshorts and a matching bralette.

Right?

Which ones should I collect?