Category Archives: Uncategorized

If I’m shinin’ everybody gonna shine. . .

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For Halloween, I want to make a Lizzo-inspired costume

I mean OBVIOUSLY as a white chick, there’s nothing I can do about my skin tone.

But her ICONIC STYLE?

Definitely right up my alley.

This dress from the BETs is quite inspirational and I LOVE THE IDEA of getting dressed up in a wedding gown style and emulating not just Lizzo but also Madonna and Britney Spears.

I found something similar on Fashion Nova, not exactly the skirt and bustier combo I was looking for, but CLOSE:

Of course, I need to accessorize with a white lacy veil, square black sunglasses, white sneakers and FLUTE:

And there you have it – a Lizzo-inspired Halloween costume.

If I’m shinin’ everybody gonna shine. . .

Oktoberfest

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Last year, my friend Nadine and I hosted Oktoberfest at the local bar on Thursday afternoon Happy Hour at Burning Man.

It was a total riot!

We played German music and served ice cold (well, compared to PLAYA temperatures) German beer to thirsty guests.

We had such a good time, we decided to do it AGAIN!

Nadine took care of the beer and bought several pony kegs of light and dark German beer for us to serve.

I took care of the music.

I was careful to download SEVERAL Oktoberfest playlists from Spotify, since last year’s fiasco of a super short playlist of German oompa music played on repeat until my head was pounding  from horns and drums.

This year I used “Oktoberfest Hits 2019” by Megaparty, and BOY! was it a hit!!!

It included very basic Oktoberfest music along with a bunch of German pop music (like Johnny Däpp).

Honestly, you should listen to Johnny Däpp.

The whole song sounds like an homage to Johnny Depp.

Which, if you think about it, is a very good thing.

Of course we went through beer like water and before we knew it, we were back to serving COCKTAILS to guests who stayed to enjoy the music.

In particular, there was a couple who dressed up in traditional German costumes and who danced the whole afternoon away listening to the music.

I was pleased to bring a little German beer and music to them, they seemed to genuinely miss their home country.

And in the end, I got a lovely postcard from one half of the couple, thanking Nadine and I for “serving real German beer” and playing an amazing playlist of songs for them to enjoy.

My magic moment on the playa?

Watching them dance their asses off to “Sweet Caroline” by Weisenrocker.

Check it out on Spotify!

An Open Letter to the Love of My Life

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Hey handsome,

I know you’re out there somewhere.  Maybe we’ve even crossed paths already and I just don’t know it yet.

It occurred to me the other day that I’m 40 years old and have been single for the last decade.

I see two possible explanations for this. One – I’m so messed up no one wants me. Or two – I’m so extraordinary it will take an extraordinary man to match me.

Since I know it’s not option one, I choose to go with option 2 – I’m extraordinary. I’ve done some amazing things – volunteered, joined the Junior League, flown airplanes, driven race cars, skydive, kayaked with whales, ran with bulls, rafted the American, took boudoir photos, and so much more.

And I’ve had a lot of fun doing these things. But I can’t wait until we connect and can do them together.

I hope you encourage me to always live outside my comfort zone. And I hope I encourage you to always strive for personal growth.

What a team we will make.

I’m not sitting on my ass waiting for the stars to align for us. I know you wouldn’t like that. But I do think of you fondly and often, and I can’t wait for the day we start our life together.

Love,

Me

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It’s Official!

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Well, it’s official!

I fly into Florida on April 21st and I return to the Bay Area on the 28th.

In that week, I’ll get to hang out with The Swede and his goalie daughter.

As I’ve been perusing my closet, I’ve come across things I’m NOT going to wear in Florida.

A bikini, of any kind.

Not even high-waisted.

If MY kids roll their eyes when I’m wearing one, I should spare The Swede’s daughter the awkwardness.

A harness.

Ok, this is odd, but I did come across a harness I wore under a bathing suit to give it that dominatrix feel.

Not gonna need that in Florida.

Also?

The tan lines!

Another thing I’m not bringing with me?

Any kind of muumuu.

But I do have a rainbow colored kaftan which I love so I MIGHT have to break this rule.

But only because this is a special kaftan and it makes me happy to wear it.

Also, it takes up almost no space in my luggage.

And space is a consideration.

What I am going to bring?

Sunblock.

And lots of it.

I’m going to BATHE in it three times a day.

This hat

I bought a hat worthy of a diva to shade me from the sun.

And finally, one thing I will be bringing on my trip to Florida. . .

. . .

Damn near the most perfect wedge sandal I’ve laid eyes on.

Perfect with every dress I bring.

The Ballerina vs the Amazon

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When I was a little girl, my parents enrolled me in the Academy of Dance and I learned ballet. I studied for almost 10 years and just made it to toe shoes. But somewhere around year 8, it became apparent that I was not going to make it as a ballerina.

For one, I shot up for 5’8” tall. Also, I tipped the scales at 140 pounds, I grew a booty, and I sported a DD rack.

It was obvious I’d be no ballerina.

Ever since discovering I wasn’t going to be a petite woman men wanted to protect, I’ve been obsessed with being the opposite – an Amazon.

I wear sky high heels to put me over 6 feet tall. I like to look down on the tops of men’s heads. I like it when they’re eye level with my cleavage.

I even took up Scottish heavy athletics for a while.

I think there’s something sexy about a tall, strong woman who can take care of herself.

As it turns out, I’m not a classic Amazon either. I’m not 6+ feet tall. And my body is more like one of Renoir’s bather paintings than an Amazon woman. I’m not the muscular sex pot I wish I was.

But I’m learning to love my body and appreciate that it’s strong in all the ways I need it to be strong.

I’ve birthed 3 babies in record time. I’ve survived surgeries and heartbreaks. I’ve run two half-marathons.

In many ways, I am the Amazon I aspire to be.

But I’m also a little bit ballerina…. I can still do the splits.

Home

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MichelleIn the upcoming two weeks, I will be away at Burning Man and unable to blog.

Have no fear, though.

You can get your regular fix of unblunder anyway because I am scheduling blog posts to come out every day while I’m away.

Burning Man blog posts!

That’s right!

You can read (or re-read) the best and brightest of my Burning Man experiences in 2015, 2016, and 2017 while I make memories at Burning Man 2018.

I’m also posting seven of my Burning Man Essentials posts – just because I want to encourage all of you to attend Burning Man, live the dream, and change your outlook on life.

And there’s no better way to do that than by showing you what you need to get in order to live in an alpine desert for a week with a Leave No Trace philosophy.

Try to imagine, if you will, pulling off a two lane road onto a dust road PACKED full of cars, RVs and PEOPLE.

Everyone is hopping in and out of their cars, saying hello to each other, passing out cold beers, and is celebrating the return to the playa.

Even though the lines are LONG and SLOW, there’s little complaining (that happens later).

Everyone just gets out and embraces their fellow burners and talks about the adventure to come.

And that’s BEFORE you even get INSIDE the venue!

When I return from the burn, I go straight into my son’s head surgery, so I will be away from the blog for a few extra days.

You can expect Burning Man 2018 blog posts to start showing up on Wednesday, September 12th.

I hope you miss me, but enjoy the posts I’ve selected while I’m gone.

I’ll leave you with a little video from Burning Man in 2011 titled “Home” which always makes me nostalgic for the playa:

Honesty

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MichelleSo, I’m on a new dating website – SLS.

The emphasis is more on hooking up and less on making that “ONE MAGICAL” connection.

And so far, I kinda like it.

It’s like Tinder, but with less subterfuge.

Less subterfuge than TINDER???

Is this even possible?

Of course.

One man instantly asked me if he could come over the next morning to fuck.

Clearly, he does not understand the safety precautions a middle aged, sexually-active woman needs to take to keep herself safe from harm in 2018.

But this man is the exception to the rule.

Most of the men I meet online through SLS are thoughtful, well-written, and funny.

In fact, I daresay I’ve met a better quality of men on SLS than I ever met on POF or Match.

Educated.

Employed.

Respectful.

Sure there was the one eager beaver I encountered.

There was also a guy who proposed we go out into the wilderness to fool around.

Again, safety issues come to mind.

I don’t want my bones found by hunters 30 years from now on a hillside because I walked into a forest with the wrong man.

Not fucking likely to do that!

But then there are a host of single guys just looking for company.

Yes, their expectation is that eventually it will become adult company.

But I’m okay with that.

How is that any different than what I’ve got going on anyway?

At least this is honest.

 

 

 

You’ve come a long way baby

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It’s funny.

When I look back at how I planned my first trip to Burning Man, I can’t help but think how NUTS I was.

Granted, I got all the necessary accessories – such as a shade structure, a tent, bungee cords, carabiners, garbage cans, candy cane rebar and the like.

But also?

I was WAY OBSESSED with clothing.

And let me tell you this.

I brought A LOT of clothing.

And not really Burning Man appropriate attire.

No.

I brought skirts and dresses.

Leggings and jackets.

As I sit and review all my clothing options for the 2018 iRobot burn, I realize that my Burning Man fashion sense has evolved.

No more corsets, there’s no way I want something that restrictive against my skin.

No more skirts, they just get caught in my bike chain.

No more jeans, because it’s just too fucking hot.

And that is why this year most of my outfits revolve around wearing bathing suits with fishnets and a killer accessory collection.

Because I really don’t need to perspire like horse out there on the playa.

I still recall the time I SOAKED the camp chair I was sitting on with my sweat while waiting for Tejas to arrive for the 2017 burn.

I left a perfect image of my butt in butt sweat on my chair.

And EVERYBODY saw it!

Here are my six favorite outfits for iRobot.

Certainly a far cry from the days when I was considering THIS for Burning Man:

green dressOMG!!!

Or THIS?!?!?!

red dress

Giving my bed it’s own bed

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Ok, this I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

Why is it that when I am camping, sleeping on an air mattress is NOT ENOUGH TO KEEP ME WARM?

WHY?!

You’d think ALL THAT AIR would be insulation enough.

You’d think, but you’d be WRONG!

Because the ground SUCKS all the heat out of the air in the air mattress which then SUCKS ALL THE HEAT OUT OF YOU.

And you spend an entire weekend shivering in bed, only sleeping when completely exhausted, wondering if you need to put on another pair of socks.

I am not a thermal physicist.

Nor am I an expert backpacker who knows all about sleeping bag ratings, insulation types, and how to stay warm in winter weather.

All I know is I haul a bed out there.

I haul in back in.

I freeze every time.

My bed is made up of an 18 inch thick air mattress, a fitted sheet, and a very stylish (if I do say so myself) comforter with matching pillows (modeled here by The Swede).

I finally gave in and bought a double size sleeping mat on Amazon to layer UNDER my air mattress.

That’s right.

MY BED IS GETTING ITS OWN BED!

Don’t think this doesn’t piss me off.

Why should I spend another $60 buying a mat so that my air mattress can stay warm?!

So that I can fucking stay warm!

That’s why.