Category Archives: Uncategorized

The Ballerina vs the Amazon

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When I was a little girl, my parents enrolled me in the Academy of Dance and I learned ballet. I studied for almost 10 years and just made it to toe shoes. But somewhere around year 8, it became apparent that I was not going to make it as a ballerina.

For one, I shot up for 5’8” tall. Also, I tipped the scales at 140 pounds, I grew a booty, and I sported a DD rack.

It was obvious I’d be no ballerina.

Ever since discovering I wasn’t going to be a petite woman men wanted to protect, I’ve been obsessed with being the opposite – an Amazon.

I wear sky high heels to put me over 6 feet tall. I like to look down on the tops of men’s heads. I like it when they’re eye level with my cleavage.

I even took up Scottish heavy athletics for a while.

I think there’s something sexy about a tall, strong woman who can take care of herself.

As it turns out, I’m not a classic Amazon either. I’m not 6+ feet tall. And my body is more like one of Renoir’s bather paintings than an Amazon woman. I’m not the muscular sex pot I wish I was.

But I’m learning to love my body and appreciate that it’s strong in all the ways I need it to be strong.

I’ve birthed 3 babies in record time. I’ve survived surgeries and heartbreaks. I’ve run two half-marathons.

In many ways, I am the Amazon I aspire to be.

But I’m also a little bit ballerina…. I can still do the splits.

Home

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MichelleIn the upcoming two weeks, I will be away at Burning Man and unable to blog.

Have no fear, though.

You can get your regular fix of unblunder anyway because I am scheduling blog posts to come out every day while I’m away.

Burning Man blog posts!

That’s right!

You can read (or re-read) the best and brightest of my Burning Man experiences in 2015, 2016, and 2017 while I make memories at Burning Man 2018.

I’m also posting seven of my Burning Man Essentials posts – just because I want to encourage all of you to attend Burning Man, live the dream, and change your outlook on life.

And there’s no better way to do that than by showing you what you need to get in order to live in an alpine desert for a week with a Leave No Trace philosophy.

Try to imagine, if you will, pulling off a two lane road onto a dust road PACKED full of cars, RVs and PEOPLE.

Everyone is hopping in and out of their cars, saying hello to each other, passing out cold beers, and is celebrating the return to the playa.

Even though the lines are LONG and SLOW, there’s little complaining (that happens later).

Everyone just gets out and embraces their fellow burners and talks about the adventure to come.

And that’s BEFORE you even get INSIDE the venue!

When I return from the burn, I go straight into my son’s head surgery, so I will be away from the blog for a few extra days.

You can expect Burning Man 2018 blog posts to start showing up on Wednesday, September 12th.

I hope you miss me, but enjoy the posts I’ve selected while I’m gone.

I’ll leave you with a little video from Burning Man in 2011 titled “Home” which always makes me nostalgic for the playa:

Honesty

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MichelleSo, I’m on a new dating website – SLS.

The emphasis is more on hooking up and less on making that “ONE MAGICAL” connection.

And so far, I kinda like it.

It’s like Tinder, but with less subterfuge.

Less subterfuge than TINDER???

Is this even possible?

Of course.

One man instantly asked me if he could come over the next morning to fuck.

Clearly, he does not understand the safety precautions a middle aged, sexually-active woman needs to take to keep herself safe from harm in 2018.

But this man is the exception to the rule.

Most of the men I meet online through SLS are thoughtful, well-written, and funny.

In fact, I daresay I’ve met a better quality of men on SLS than I ever met on POF or Match.

Educated.

Employed.

Respectful.

Sure there was the one eager beaver I encountered.

There was also a guy who proposed we go out into the wilderness to fool around.

Again, safety issues come to mind.

I don’t want my bones found by hunters 30 years from now on a hillside because I walked into a forest with the wrong man.

Not fucking likely to do that!

But then there are a host of single guys just looking for company.

Yes, their expectation is that eventually it will become adult company.

But I’m okay with that.

How is that any different than what I’ve got going on anyway?

At least this is honest.

 

 

 

You’ve come a long way baby

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It’s funny.

When I look back at how I planned my first trip to Burning Man, I can’t help but think how NUTS I was.

Granted, I got all the necessary accessories – such as a shade structure, a tent, bungee cords, carabiners, garbage cans, candy cane rebar and the like.

But also?

I was WAY OBSESSED with clothing.

And let me tell you this.

I brought A LOT of clothing.

And not really Burning Man appropriate attire.

No.

I brought skirts and dresses.

Leggings and jackets.

As I sit and review all my clothing options for the 2018 iRobot burn, I realize that my Burning Man fashion sense has evolved.

No more corsets, there’s no way I want something that restrictive against my skin.

No more skirts, they just get caught in my bike chain.

No more jeans, because it’s just too fucking hot.

And that is why this year most of my outfits revolve around wearing bathing suits with fishnets and a killer accessory collection.

Because I really don’t need to perspire like horse out there on the playa.

I still recall the time I SOAKED the camp chair I was sitting on with my sweat while waiting for Tejas to arrive for the 2017 burn.

I left a perfect image of my butt in butt sweat on my chair.

And EVERYBODY saw it!

Here are my six favorite outfits for iRobot.

Certainly a far cry from the days when I was considering THIS for Burning Man:

green dressOMG!!!

Or THIS?!?!?!

red dress

Giving my bed it’s own bed

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Ok, this I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

Why is it that when I am camping, sleeping on an air mattress is NOT ENOUGH TO KEEP ME WARM?

WHY?!

You’d think ALL THAT AIR would be insulation enough.

You’d think, but you’d be WRONG!

Because the ground SUCKS all the heat out of the air in the air mattress which then SUCKS ALL THE HEAT OUT OF YOU.

And you spend an entire weekend shivering in bed, only sleeping when completely exhausted, wondering if you need to put on another pair of socks.

I am not a thermal physicist.

Nor am I an expert backpacker who knows all about sleeping bag ratings, insulation types, and how to stay warm in winter weather.

All I know is I haul a bed out there.

I haul in back in.

I freeze every time.

My bed is made up of an 18 inch thick air mattress, a fitted sheet, and a very stylish (if I do say so myself) comforter with matching pillows (modeled here by The Swede).

I finally gave in and bought a double size sleeping mat on Amazon to layer UNDER my air mattress.

That’s right.

MY BED IS GETTING ITS OWN BED!

Don’t think this doesn’t piss me off.

Why should I spend another $60 buying a mat so that my air mattress can stay warm?!

So that I can fucking stay warm!

That’s why.

I’m okay with that

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For the first time in a long time, I realize I like somebody.

Just a friend I know casually though Burning Man, but nevertheless, I like him.

Specifically, he has this really nice calming effect on me.

Not that I’m high strung or anything, but it’s nice to be around somebody who makes you relax, take a deep breath, and be yourself.

Regrettably, his interest in me is likely non existent.

Par for the course with me.

I finally meet a decent single man and he isn’t the least bit interested in me as anything more than a friend.

Now, I could look at this as a failure.

As evidence that once again the universe is conspiring against me.

As proof that decent men aren’t interested in me and all I get are the rejects.

I could, but I won’t.

You see, my life is actually pretty damn nice.

And this guy, while not in the market for a romance with me, is still a nice friend whose company I enjoy.

AND I like to think of this as evidence that I CAN be attracted to nice, single guys not just the rotten ones.

So maybe it’s not a love match.

I’m okay with that.

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I’m almost ashamed to admit this

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white witch michelleI’m almost ashamed to admit this.

I’ve been thinking about going to Burning Man again and as I was thinking about things I’d like to do THIS TIME AROUND (besides A.  Don’t get dumped, and B.  Don’t go out with wet hair during a dust storm).  And as I sat and thought about it, it just came at me:

I’ve never gone dancing at Burning Man.

Oh sure, I danced at Ali Bar Bar a few times, but I’ve never hit the Esplanade with the express purpose to go clubbing.

And I think that’s one of Burning Man’s strong suits for nightlife – clubbing.

Yes, I’ve gotten naked at the Sauna Dome.

I rode past the Orgy Dome.

I even let 6 strangers bathe me with spray bottles at the Human Carcass Wash.

But I’ve never really danced.

At least not properly, for hours on end, with friends.

Part of the problem is that my closest friends at Burning Man prefer to hang out in bars and enjoy the company of others instead of jumping into a minefield of bodies all writhing to the same techno beat.

So I think this year, one of my goals will be to really experience the dance scene at Burning Man at night.

That and get my C*cksucking certification from Retrofrolic for the 3rd year in a row.

Goals. . . gotta have ’em!

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I want to be a redhead

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In the process of looking up hairstyles for this weekend’s Great Gatsby birthday party, I became overwhelmed and decided that a wig might be the best way to go.

A quick search for “Gatsby wig” and “Roaring 20’s wig” returned a wide selection of short wavy bobs.

And I am not a bob kinda gal.

So I searched for long finger wave hairstyles and came up with the following, all of which I think would be appropriate for a Gatsby party.

waves waves
waves waves

 So I looked for a long wavy wig and came across the following:

redheadNow, I’m a (bottle) blonde, but I’ve had a full head of black hair which made me almost unrecognizable. And there was even that unfortunate incident in college where I dyed my hair brown. But I have never been a redhead.

And I kinda want to try it out.

Not for reals, of course. Just a red wig I can wear to burner parties and try out a new look.

Of course, it may be less of me wanting to be a redhead and more of me wishing I could look like the model that is motivating me.

Still… could be fun to be a redhead!

Things you don’t realize until it’s ALMOST too late

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I started working on my Burning Man hat this weekend.

I started with a plain, olive green Chinese military hat which I bought cheap off of eBay and stripped of all it’s accessories.

hatI started adding 3/8” ribbon in rainbow colors all around the crown of the hat, being careful not to singe my fingers and using high temp glue so that it won’t melt on the playa. I also added a strip of tie dye ribbon to the hat to cover the drab olive green.

hatI added silver holographic vinyl to the visor of the hat. This was probably the trickiest part of the whole process and didn’t come out quite as smooth as I envisioned.

But since I plan to add more bling to the visor, I decided I could live with it.

IMG_8908Then I added the holographic vinyl to the top of the hat.

When I tried to glue the vinyl down, I discovered that the hot glue melted the vinyl.

Thankfully, I hadn’t really used any hot glue and I was able to glue the edges down anyway since they’d be covered by Mardi Gras beads, a gift from my friend Marina.  The things you don’t know until it’s ALMOST too late…

IMG_8909I still need to add the stud ribbon, glue on individual studs, and add the irridencent sequin applique (sewn, not glued so it’s playa safe) as well as add some sort of decoration to the top of the hat.

What do you think, a heart, lips, “POP!” or “I Love the World” applique for the top?

 

hat1 < hat2
hat3 Screen Shot 2016-02-22 at 9.50.43 AM