Inner Accountant

There is an accountant living inside my body.

She watches everything I eat and keeps track of all the calories.

A month ago, I’d lost 13 pounds.

As of today, I’ve lost 10 pounds.

I GAINED three.

Nothing gets past that SKINNY BITCH!

To be honest, I deserved worse.

I drank gin and tonics at Tejas’ house.

I scarfed down sushi and rice.

I even ate a SLIVER of a slice of pizza.

And that fucking accountant . . . well, she saw EVERYTHING!

The problem could be that I have no willpower.

Especially when my option is basically a liquid, tasteless diet.

EVERYTHING that is FOOD looks good.

You know your diet SUCKS when you fantasize about eating an apple.

Baby carrots.

Salad.

But the problem could also be that I’m lazy.

I do not deserve a body like Heidi Klum because I do nothing to deserve it.

I shrink from exercise.

I get bored at the gym.

And swimming, which is a low impact exercise activity, requires me to:

  1. get wet
  2. dry my hair
  3. wear a bathing suit

None of which I am fond of.

So this fucking accountant is forcing me to change my ways.

I must either TOTALLY ADHERE to this FUCKING RIDICULOUS DIET. . .

Or I must STEP UP MY EXERCISE.

And since I really like to TASTE my food, I’m going to go with EXERCISE.

That’s right!

You heard it here first.

Michelle is going to start going to walks at lunchtime and on lazy weekends.

And that FUCKING ACCOUNTANT better damn well PAY ATTENTION.

If she really wants something to do, she should balance my checkbook.

Now there’s an area of my life that is OUT OF CONTROL.

Go for it, you SKINNY BITCH!

Screw Up

Okay, so I lost 13 pounds in three weeks then proceeded to gain 1 pound back.

Apparently you can’t binge drink beer on a pub crawl and expect to lose weight.

Who knew?

Anyhow, it’s not been an easy road these last two weeks.

With mom in the hospital and my anxiety/stress kicking into overtime, I’ve been eating (and OH GOD, DRINKING!) to comfort myself.

Sigh.

Fried chicken.

Pizza.

Gin and tonics.

MANY of them (followed by a sobbing call to the BFF to cry about my mom).

Thankfully, I seem to have recovered from my misdeeds.

I’m back on the diet, eating bars and sucking down protein shakes.

Occasionally I go off plan and eat an egg (or three) and pickles.

Oh, and boy do I love the occasional mozzarella stick!

I could fantasize about food for PAGES, but I won’t.

I know how you all think I’m perfect and this may come as a shock to you, but I fucking screw up a lot.

A LOT!

This blog ain’t called unblunder for no reason. . .

Fat

Rumor has it that a certain burner blogger has lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks.

Just so you know, that’s this much fat:

The other day a coworker told me that I looked like I’d lost weight.

She said she could see it in my face and my chest.

Oh dear.

My chest.

It’s going to shrink, isn’t it?

No more voluptuous breasts.

Sigh.

I will miss putting them on display.

Looking at 10 pounds of fat, I am struck by the thought that I literally have NO IDEA that much fat was in my body.

And then I think to myself that I have 90 – 120 more pounds to lose and I am dumbfounded.

Where is it all?

Besides my boobs, of course!

Here’s what 100 pounds of fat looks like!

Oh, ugh!

That looks like a entire PERSON!

And in a way, I guess it is.

Still, as much as I want to lose weight, I still want to keep some of my curviness.

I know I could always BUY a pair of buxom breasts, but I’d so much prefer to keep my real ones!

Please?

Size 6?

It’s hard to plan for Burning Man not knowing what size I’m going to be.

My best guess is I will be at least 3 sizes smaller than I am now.

That’s about 30 – 45 pounds.

7 months, 3 sizes.

That sounds about right.

So I’m buying clothes a little smaller than I normally would and HOPING that I fit in them when the burn comes around.

There are however, some items I REALLY want to buy but can’t because they only sell them in teeny tiny sizes and I just can’t even fathom myself being small enough to fit into them.

Nevertheless, I’m posting them here, in case I wake up one day to discover that I’m a size 6 and can wear whatever the hell I want.

A girl can wish, eh?

New Body

I’m celebrating.

Just a little bit.

In two weeks, I’ve lost 10 pounds.

I’d call that a successful diet.

And the weight loss is well deserved, since I’ve given up chewing, flavor, and booze.

Last week I was a little miffed that I only lost 2.2 pounds.

Then again, I did eat a grilled cheese sandwich and cream of artichoke/green chili soup.

This week I cheated by sipping two gin and tonics while eating some roast beef and spinach dip on a slice of sourdough bread.

Bad Michelle!

Despite the 10 pound weight loss, I don’t really see a difference in my body.

My guess is that I will need to lose 20 pounds before I start seeing a difference.

We can start with the double chin and move on to the tummy.

But PLEASE, leave the boobs alone!

I still have a LONG WAY to go.

Like 90 – 120 more pounds.

It hardly seems possible that I could lose that much weight.

That’s like an ENTIRE person’s worth of weight!

My friend, The Photographer, has been really supportive of my weight loss.

At a time when I feel undesirable and frumpy, he has reminded me that I am a sexy, beautiful woman.

So I’m just going to hold on to that as I try to squeeze my feet into shoes that don’t fit and shave parts of my body which are hidden from view.

Cross your fingers and say a prayer that the weight keeps coming off.

I’m really excited to reveal a new body!