There is an accountant living inside my body.
She watches everything I eat and keeps track of all the calories.
A month ago, I’d lost 13 pounds.
As of today, I’ve lost 10 pounds.
I GAINED three.
Nothing gets past that SKINNY BITCH!
To be honest, I deserved worse.
I drank gin and tonics at Tejas’ house.
I scarfed down sushi and rice.
I even ate a SLIVER of a slice of pizza.
And that fucking accountant . . . well, she saw EVERYTHING!
The problem could be that I have no willpower.
Especially when my option is basically a liquid, tasteless diet.
EVERYTHING that is FOOD looks good.
You know your diet SUCKS when you fantasize about eating an apple.
But the problem could also be that I’m lazy.
I do not deserve a body like Heidi Klum because I do nothing to deserve it.
I shrink from exercise.
I get bored at the gym.
And swimming, which is a low impact exercise activity, requires me to:
- get wet
- dry my hair
- wear a bathing suit
None of which I am fond of.
So this fucking accountant is forcing me to change my ways.
I must either TOTALLY ADHERE to this FUCKING RIDICULOUS DIET. . .
Or I must STEP UP MY EXERCISE.
And since I really like to TASTE my food, I’m going to go with EXERCISE.
You heard it here first.
Michelle is going to start going to walks at lunchtime and on lazy weekends.
And that FUCKING ACCOUNTANT better damn well PAY ATTENTION.
If she really wants something to do, she should balance my checkbook.
Now there’s an area of my life that is OUT OF CONTROL.
Go for it, you SKINNY BITCH!