Not so fast, etsy

Honestly.

You do ONE SEARCH for a flower crown and suddenly etsy thinks you’re a BRIDE-TO-BE.

Not so, etsy.

Sorry to disappoint but there are no impending nuptials.

Honestly, I’ve always liked the feature in etsy which recommends products for you.

Most of the time, they get it RIGHT.

But occasionally, they get it really, REALLY wrong.

Like the time I bought a spiked leather collar for a dominatrix costume.

Nevermind if dominatrixes don’t wear collars.

This one looked mean and no one could come near me in it for fear of getting spiked!

Well, after I bought that collar, etsy sent me a shit ton of BDSM gear on their site.

Who knew etsy was such a resource for the alternative community?

Then, there was the time I bought statement earrings on etsy.

Big, pendulous and eye-catching, they were exactly what I needed.

Etsy thought I was a black woman and proceeded to advertise tribal prints, statement necklaces, and hair care products to me.

This time around, I searched for a flower crown to wear in Florida.

Sure enough, I found one.

But now etsy thinks I’m getting MARRIED!

If anything, I’m further away from taking vows than I was when I first got divorced.

Not for me, etsy.

Not for me.

New Glasses

I’m getting new glasses.

I had my peepers examined and the ophthalmologist who examined me said that my eyesight is deteriorating slowly.

My prescription from last year to this year hasn’t changed much.

But there’s one NOTABLE change.

I’m getting progressives.

As in BIFOCALS.

Yes, indeed.

After 45+ years of life, my eyes finally need a little help reading things near AND far.

Hence, I will be getting glasses which I am supposed to wear on a regular basis.

Now.

The thing you need to know about me is that I CONSTANTLY am buying sunglasses because I lose them ALL THE TIME.

Glasses too.

I’ll wear them for a week, put them somewhere, forget about them, then forget to wear them for the next 350 days of the year until I get my next exam and glasses.

It’s just how I roll.

I’m really worried about remembering to wear my glasses and KEEP TRACK OF THEM.

But I’m also TOTALLY EXCITED to be able to see things again.

Lately, I can’t even read the menus on the wall above the cashier in a casual restaurant.

I have to squint and even then, I can barely read the menu.

Overall, I’m resigned to my bifocals.

My sister got them at 35 so my eyes are in better shape than hers.

But I’m somewhat sad that this is happening, and combined with all the gray hairs popping up on my head, one thing is certain.

I’m aging.

I remind myself to not complain about this too much, however.

Growing old is a luxury denied to many.

The Korean Spa

I’ve got all these plans to pamper myself and get beach ready for Florida.

Of the treatments I have scheduled, the one I am most excited about is my scrub.

You’d think that a scrub is no big deal, but you’d be SO WRONG.

Because at the Korean Spa, you get scrubbed by women in black bras and underwear wearing raw silk mitts while you lay on a wet vinyl bed and get buckets of warm water thrown on you.

Noodles of DEAD SKIN come off your body.

I honestly LOVE/HATE the experience because the technician always clucks at me like I’m not doing enough to stay clean and exfoliated and she SHOWS ME THE PILES OF DEAD SKIN SHE’S SCRAPED OFF ME.

It’s thrilling and disgusting at the same time.

After Barbara gets a scrub at the Korean Spa, she likes to say she’s the cleanest she’s ever been.

Indeed, fresh as a daisy and soft as a baby’s bottom.

I MAY have tacked on a 45 minute massage after my scrub.

Because what’s better after getting your skin exfoliated than to get a nice baby oil massage?

I know, I know.

It sounds kinda kinky.

And it is.

That’s probably why I like it so much.

Happiness is. . .

Here’s what frustration and angst look like:

What you’re looking at here is the landing page for the Burning Man Main Sale.

Please note the unusual “Enter access code” with semi-invisible button, something none of us were told about in any communications prior to the sale.

Also, the drop down menus for $425 Ticket and $100 Vehicle Pass have no other option but ‘0’.

I kept reloading the page, because I’m not about to stop shopping until the Org has announced that tickets have sold out.

A few times I was even told that the tickets were “Sold Out” but there was no official announcement on Twitter so I kept trying.

Finally, I was able to select ‘2’ for tickets and ‘1’ for vehicle pass and progress to the next screen, which also had invisible buttons and multiple page reloads but finally, I got my ticket confirmation.

This, my friends, is what happiness looks like:

It wasn’t the most robust system and it certainly wasn’t the most intuitive system, what with all the invisible buttons and page reloads, but I persevered and now I have tickets for Burning Man.

Mind you, I logged in to buy tickets at 12:03 pm after my attempts to login via the webmail button I was sent failed and I had to go through the link in my Burner Profile.

My sale was completed at 2:27 pm.

I’m pretty sure I scrambled for some of the last tickets being sold.

But I’m happy.

And I wish all the other burners out there looking for tickets a speedy and successful search.

Exhibitionist

I’ve been having SUCH A HARD TIME finding a yellow sundress.

The first dress I chose was X-rated.

All boob, no coverage.

The second dress I chose turned out to be WAY TOO BIG ON ME.

I was literally falling out of the top.

These boobs, man. . . they’re just determined to display themselves.

They’re such EXHIBITIONISTS!

I think I’ve finally found a dress that will work.

Mind you, all this is because I bought a yellow floral headband that I want to wear and I need a dress to go with it.

Now that I have PILES OF DRESSES to return to the store, it’s finally dawned on me – the purpose of shopping in a store in the first place.

To avoid fiascos like the one I’m facing.

Still, it’s nice to shop online and be able to hit Macys, Nordstrom, and a plethora of other shops all while one reclines in bed eating peanuts.

Yes, that really happens!

Pretty comes with a price tag

Let’s face it, beauty is a multi-BILLION dollar industry.

People make their ENTIRE CAREER out of creating beauty.

And though I believe that our views of beauty need to be broadened, I can’t help but also feel thankful that there are people who focus on making others feel good and look good.

We’ve established that I’m the quintessential consumer.

I impulse buy.

Shopping for me is entertainment.

The one thing I haven’t mentioned on my blog yet is the steps I go through to get ready for a trip, particularly one which involves the company of a handsome (and perhaps Swedish) man.

So, Florida.

I’m getting five beauty services to prepare for my trip.

First, I’m getting a Korean scrub and massage at the Korean spa.

If you haven’t read “Wet vinyl beds and belly fat” then you need to.

It tells you all about my experience at the Korean spa, which I equate to heaven.

Imagine getting noodles of dead skin off your body via the most exquisite raw silk full-body scrub.

Second.

I’m getting my hair colored.

I mean, is there anything more of a pick me up than a fresh head of hair color?

Third, and this one is KEY, I’m getting a SPRAY TAN.

Because let’s face it, if I can’t tone it then I might as well tan it, am I right?

Finally, I’ve got to get my mani/pedi freshened up.

Because nothing is worse than chipped nail polish while on vacation.

Okay, there are worse things, but not in the limited realm of beauty treatments.

So there you have it, my five beauty treatments I’m CRAMMING into two days to get myself ready for Florida.

Man, I hope he notices. . .

Practice makes perfect

Somebody’s birthday is creeping up.

She’ll be seventeen.

Oh boy, do you REMEMBER 17?

It was GRAND!

Lucky girl, to be so young with her life ahead of her.

I got to pick out her present today and I’ve got to admit, I went FULL GIRL!

Lipstick/lip gloss set, eye shadow palette, face masks, mini spa kit, Hello Kitty nail kit, and lip smackers (because no self-respecting teenage girl shouldn’t have these flavored chapsticks in their makeup kit).

I also got (unsurprisingly) a pineapple makeup bag to put everything in.

God, I hope it all fits!

My final touch was to get a cute little pusheen keychain – a kitty riding a seahorse.

Literally, the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

So here’s hoping she likes her gifts, despite the fact that I suspect she has a tomboy streak in her.

To be honest, it’s not all that easy shopping for a young lady you don’t know very well.

Especially when all you have are boys.

But that’s about to change too, if you know what I mean.

The only time I get to shop for girls is when it’s Christmas time and I get to buy presents for my Aunt Stacey, my cousin Jennifer and my niece Bella.

Practice makes perfect.

Swedish bikini

I want this:

I want it for no reason other than it reminds me of Sweden.

The blue.

The yellow.

It’s like a deconstructed Swedish flag:

And lord knows I certainly like things Swedish.

Even though I’m of Norwegian descent.

I’m not buying it though.

Nope.

Because I have a habit of buying bikinis and never wearing them.

And I’m not going to do that anymore.

Let’s face it, I already have a Swedish bikini bottom I purchased from Globalkinis:

I intended to wear it with a Swedish flag tank top out on the playa with The Swede but then he wasn’t able to come to Burning Man:

So I scrapped the outfit.

I still have it though.

Maybe I’ll titillate The Swede by wearing it under my clothes and showing it to him in private.

Boy, does that man like all things Swedish.

Swedish coffee, Swedish candy, Swedish chocolate. . .

American women, though.

Lucky for me!

So even though I have a hankering to turn up on a beach in Florida wearing a Swedish colored bikini, I have a strong feeling that I will never actually follow through and do it.

Me and bikinis.

I imagine I’m bold enough to wear them but then I chicken out.

That’s just how I roll.

And as a parting gift from me to you, a picture of the Swedish Bikini Team:

You’re welcome!

Weight loss

I have OFFICIALLY lost ten pounds.

10.4 pounds, to be exact.

It may not seem like a lot but I’ve been struggling to lose weight for years and never broke the five pound mark so I’m THRILLED to have finally made some progress.

I’m going to reward myself with a day of pampering with my sister.

That’s right, I’m going to Reno to visit Lisa.

We’re scheduled to get facials and then enjoy a nice dinner out.

Once upon a time, my sister and I were not that close.

She was a hippie in high school and I was a nerd.

We didn’t understand each other.

Add to that the fact that we were ALWAYS together (in the same grade, drive to school together, share a bed on vacation together, etc.) and we sure fought A LOT.

Lisa liked to throw things at me and I liked to break her stuff.

It’s changed now, especially since she lives in Reno.

She’s far enough away that I don’t get to see her on a regular basis.

So I’m SUPER excited that I’ll get to see her in a week and just hang out.

How times change, no?

We’ll see if she can tell that I’ve lost weight.

I personally think I need to make it to twenty pounds before people start to notice but the other day a coworker stopped by my desk and asked, “Have you lost weight?”

I considered joking and saying, “I’m wearing black, which is a very slimming color” but instead I said, “Yes, I have.”

Yes, I have lost weight.

Yes, I’m feeling better about myself.

Yes, yes, yes!

It’s incredible how happy weight loss feels.

I could get used to this.

P.S. In case you’re wondering what I’m doing to lose weight I am walking and following a ketogenic diet.

Treasures

I’ve slowly but surely been cleaning up my three-car garage.

I have SO MUCH camping equipment and Burning Man gear it’s unbelievable!

I shocked myself by donating items that I considered essential which I had never even OPENED.

I am nothing if not a consumer.

Yes, I have problems with impulse control.

And not just when it comes to shopping. . . but that’s another blog post, isn’t it?

While cleaning out my garage, I came across several things I’d been looking for:

My Burning Man high-waisted bathing suit bottoms:

I’ve been looking for these in order to pair them with my bikini top:

And my mesh dress:

For Burning Man, naturally.

Now.

All my Burning Man friends are INVITED to ask to see me in these when we’re on the playa.

Keep me honest now and help me to finally crawl out of the dark and into the light of body positivity.

I also found my bottle openers, of which I have at least 50 left.

I’m excited at the thought of passing them out again, even though my gift to the playa this year will most likely be engraved stainless steel carabiner mugs:

The last thing I came across was my wax warmer.

At work, we hired a new employee who uses an aromatherapy diffuser at her desk and I SWEAR I’ve been twice as productive when the scent wafts over the divider to my cube.

Who knew aromatherapy could be so helpful?

And who knew cleaning the garage would lead to me finding all these treasures?!