Shopping spree

Okay yes, I did MISPLACE my pilgrim costume until AFTER the Pilgrim’s Pub Crawl.

Oops!

The important thing is that I found it and can wear it next year.

Did I mention that I FREAKED out when I thought it was gone and I replaced EVERYTHING?

Yup. So now I have TWO pilgrim costumes.

Which means that I will be wearing my pilgrim costume to Thanksgiving this year.

Just. Because. I. Can.

I also went on a mini spending spree and bought myself fifteen new dresses.

Perhaps in anticipation of having an actual date to wear them on.

You really can’t blame a girl for wanting to get kissed.

Tell me I won’t look absolutely lovely in these dresses. . .

Of course, my closet is fairly busting at the seams with all my clothes and costumes so I have no idea where I will put these new dresses, but where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Can’t wait to wear the pink and purple color block dress.

So 70s!

Foot in Mouth

So there I am, sipping a beer with a nice gentleman, chatting casually about Burning Man when he asked me a question.

I HEARD him ask, “So what’s was your favorite part of Burning Man?

My response?

The sex.

You just can’t save me from myself, can you?

He leaned in closer to me and asked, “Like sex on the beach?”

Wait!

What did you just ask me?

APPARENTLY, he asked me what was my favorite DRINK at Burning Man.

Oops!

So.

Now he knows that I’m a horn dog.

Also?

He knows I’m honest to a fault.

That must count for something!

Size Six

God!

You know how I LOVE lingerie?

AND Burning Man?

Well, I’m perpetually shopping for items I can bring to Burning Man, especially LINGERIE, since lingerie and bathing suits seems to be par for the course on the playa.

And fuck me for not having a size six body, it would be SO MUCH EASIER if I did.

Instead I have to get custom work and shop plus size rave clothing.

It’s not easy.

Especially since I stumbled across Bad Star Lingerie!

Well, fuck me with a knife and call me Stanley, I literally DROOLED ALL OVER MY COMPUTER SCREEN.

One of the looks I like is the bathing suit layered over a strappy harness.

It’s comfortable, lightweight, but edgy.

Something about it says “grab me by a strap and pull me to you.”

Bad Star Lingerie has THE MOST GORGEOUS PIECES YOU CAN IMAGINE.

So lovely.

So lovely in fact that I suspect I’d choose to wear them along with some pasties covering my nipples.

HOWEVER, that look probably works best on a size six frame.

So all you burner girls out there with tight size six bodies, here you go.

This one’s for you. . .

Abstinence

Lately, my life has been a story of misfires.

I scheduled TWO dates with one guy and they BOTH got cancelled the day of.

And then there was another date where the guy told me he was too sick to show up 2 hours before we were supposed to meet.

Now he’s trying to reschedule, and I’m not feeling that generous.

The other guy?

The one who cancelled twice?

Well, he sent me a string a very sexy text messages which makes me think that if I DO reschedule with him, it better be after my abstinence stint is OVER.

I do not think I can trust him to not make a move.

Furthermore, I believe that if he does make a move, I will be helpless to resist.

Remember that I am voraciously hungry right now.

They say that the universe doesn’t give you want you WANT, it gives you what you NEED and right now, I guess I need to be alone.

No dates.

No temptation.

Just me and my solo act.

Ahem.

With the way the universe is working itself out for me, I wouldn’t be surprised if The Swede doesn’t make it to California in December.

Because he’s my loop hole.

My get out of jail card.

My hall pass lover.

I’m not attached to any outcome however.

I’m too old and I’ve learned too much to hold on tightly to what I want to have happen.

If it happens, nice.

If it doesn’t, too bad.

I believe in the wisdom of the universe and what it’s handing out to me right now is EXACTLY what I need.

Abstinence.

Pilgrim Costume Part Deux

Drat!

I lost my pilgrim costume.

I’ve looked ALL OVER and I can’t find it.

On the other hand, I did discover a gypsy costume I totally forgot I had.

And I found my black PVC vinyl collection which I stroked gently before I put it away.

It’s the little thrills that get me.

Anyhow, so here I am two days away from the Pilgrim’s Pub Crawl and I have no costume.

Fortunately, my friend Chris is going to help me out.

But. . .

I also went online and reordered all the stuff I lost.

The brown dress:

The stripper cuffs (yes, they’re really called that):

The black belt (more modern than I would like but oh well):

A capelet, pleasingly plain and boring:

And a demure white apron:

And finally, a really demure, and quite virginal white bonnet. Watch and see if I don’t burst into flames when I put it on!

So there you have it – round 2 of the Pilgrim costume.

Maybe one of these years I’ll actually get to wear it.

Sigh!

Swedish Fish

In my usual (neurotic) form, I went shopping on Amazon for The Swede.

Basically, I had nothing better to do but pretend I have a (Swedish) boyfriend to shop for.

Idle hands are the devil’s workshop, no?

Well, I basically don’t know very much about him.

I know he’s Swedish. I know he likes hockey. I know he likes fast cars. I know he likes spicy things.

I flashed back to the time when I STUPIDLY asked him if Swedish Fish really came from Sweden.

He stared at me blankly, answering my question without saying a word.

I found a really cool glass “California” ornament, to remind him of his time in California (and a certain smoldering blond he should like).

I found a vintage heathered blue tee shirt with the Swedish flag on it (but he probably has bunches of these).

I also found the HILARIOUS “Have No Fear The Swede Is Here” tee shirt, which I personally love and can just picture him wearing it when he arrives in California.

swedeThen I looked for hockey stuff, and I came across a Swedish Hockey ornament.

That went in the shopping cart.

But while I was shopping for Swedish hockey stuff, I came across the PERFECT tee for The Swede’s hockey-loving, goalie-playing daughter.

Then I woke up.

I do not have a Swedish boyfriend. His daughter doesn’t even know I exist.

It was fun to look but in the end, I emptied my cart. . .

. . .and bought the Swedish Fish.

Those things are GOOD!

Have no fear, the Swede is here

Genius that I am, I bought The Swede a bucket full of hot sauces, none of which are probably edible on a human level.

It was a respectable gift for a friend to give another friend.

EXCEPT that the shipping (FedEx) cost an outrageous $215.

Next time I should just write him a check for $300 and be done with it.

I totally would have skipped out on sending the present except that I PROMISED I was sending something so I HAD TO.

Tejas laughed at me and said I picked the most expensive service for transportation.

Huh.

Who knew (obviously not me), though I did point out that I went to USPS and UPS first.

Tejas told me I need to learn to use Amazon Sweden.

It’s not Amazon Sweden, it’s Global Amazon.

I actually DID look it up.

The problem is that lovely bucket of inedible hot sauce wasn’t available for shipping to Sweden.

Hence, my problem.

So I’ve been playing around with Global Amazon (any tips you have are appreciated) and I found THIS:

When I nicknamed The Swede “The Swede’ I wasn’t being particularly clever or bright.

It was just the most obvious choice.

However, I LOVE the idea of The Swede wearing this shirt in California.

Especially since he’s my excuse to GET OFF THIS FUCKING ABSTINENCE KICK EARLY!

Have no fear, the Swede is HERE!

Star Wars Movie Whores

Who doesn’t LOVE Star Wars?!

The minute those first few notes of the Rebel theme play, I’m giddy with excitement and get whisked away to another galaxy.

I’m not sure there’s any other movie that does that for me.

So I’m incredibly happy to be going with a group of friends to watch Star Wars The Last Jedi.

Costumes are a MUST and so instead of wearing my usual – the white Princess Leia costume I have with the brown cinnamon bun hairstyle, I’m going as Chewbacca!

Yes, everyone’s favorite furry sidekick.

As it turns out, you can buy a Chewbacca onesie and I’m thinking it’s a pretty simple solution to what could be a complicated and expensive costume.

Initially, I wanted to go as Rey.

As cool as Rey is, there are a lot of layers to her costume. And I’m not sure I could pull it off properly.

Hence, Chewbacca.

Also?

The theater we are seeing the movie in has luxury reclining seats.

Something rather like a nice, soft, bed.

I figure showing up in my PJs will be PERFECT for the occasion.

They’ll never get me to leave!

You don’t mess with my shoes

I didn’t mind gaining a little weight.

My boobs got bigger. . .

My stomach got a little softer. . .

My curves for a little more curvier. . .

What’s not to love about a little weight gain?

Well, diabetes for one.

High cholesterol for another.

And thirdly there’s join pain.

None of those things are fun and all of them can lead to long term health implications.

Things I don’t want to deal with for sure.

Sure, I am still fun in the sack (at least I used to be before I started this damn sex diet), but I have to say I’m not thrilled with the side effects of weight gain.

Of course, I wasn’t thrilled with being labeled pre-diabetic.

And I wasn’t happy to have elevated cholesterol.

And finding out that I had high blood pressure wasn’t fun either.

But I wasn’t convinced I needed to go on a fucking diet until my shoes stopped fitting me.

Yes.

You can fuck with my cholesterol. You can fuck with my dress size. But the minute you fuck with my shoe collection YOU ARE OUT!

Costume SEASON!

I do declare that costume season has begun!

And look how excited I am about it. . .

First, I get to dress up in my Thanksgiving Pilgrim costume and crawl through the streets of Mountain View imbibing questionable amounts of alcoholic beverages.

Then I get to wear my Santa Con Santa outfit for the South Bay Santa Con!

Ditto with the street crawling and questionable amounts of alcoholic beverages.

Finally, there’s STAR WARS!

Yes folks, I’m going to see Star Wars IN COSTUME.

Princess Leia, to be exact.

Last time I wore the outfit I got stopped and people asked to take pictures with me.

It was quite fun!

And of course, Bay Boy’s birthday party is coming up and that’s always a good opportunity to get creative and wear something outrageous.

Can’t wait for the festivities to begin!