Bathing in sunblock

Ever since I put THIS picture up on Tinder, I’ve been getting a ton of emails from men.

Among the responses, I got two dick pics.

Now, I’m not going to complain because that would just be silly.

Put a provocative picture out there, expect to get provocative pictures back.

That’s the rules folks.

I put the bait in the water, I shouldn’t be surprised when I catch a corresponding fish.

So I’m not writing this to complain about dick pics.

No.

One such “fish” is from Germany.

Quite a sexy beast too.

A private pilot who flies corporate jets for a living.

Now, I’ve been warned about pilots.

So I asked him, “ARE YOU MARRIED?”

He told me “Recently separated.”

Right-O.

I’ll bet his wife doesn’t know this!

Anyway, at best I’ve made a few sext partners through this photo.

At worst I’ll have to fend off some groping hands on a date.

All in all, I’m pretty happy to have found some new blood to keep me entertained.

The German Pilot asked me to send a current photo, so I obliged.

He doesn’t think I look 46 years old.

He says I look like I’m in my 20s.

[NOTE:  He may be referring to pictures I sent that had other body parts besides my face.]

I had to politely explain that I virtually bathe in sunblock every day.

Personally, I think I look my age give or take only about 5 years or so.

And I’m okay with that.

Growing old is a luxury denied to many.

But I thank my lucky stars that I worked in a spa in my 20s and was advised to wear sunblock every day.

As for The German Pilot, he can go home to his “recently-separated” wife and “reconcile.”

I learned my lesson with Stargazer.

No married men.

Shopping for ex boyfriends

It’s the holiday season which means I’m in full present-buying mode.

I’m totally on the prowl for awesome gifts I can give to my family and friends.

I click on every Gift Idea List that I cross paths with – Amazon, Forbes, blog-based lists – you name it, I’ve been there.

The funny thing is that I still shop for my ex-boyfriends.

The other day, I saw a beautiful crab fabric on Spoonflower and instantly thought of my ex who had a thing for crabs.

In my mind, I was sewing crab pajamas for him.

And, of course the minute I see hot sauce I think of The Swede who is happily coupled up with a lovely Swedish lady.

I’ve never known someone to be as into spicy foods as he is.

I’m not sure how he still has a stomach lining.

Must be all that Viking food!

Naturally, even though I get the impulse to gift my exes, I never follow through.

That would just be sheer lunacy!

But the urge is there, every time I spot something PERFECT for someone I used to date I think, “Oh, he’d be so thrilled to get this!”

Even after all these years, habits are still hard to break.

Put ’em up!

I went and did something crazy.

I took a provocative photo of myself and uploaded it to Tinder and the response has been explosive!

It’s a picture of me, in a fake police officer hat and black lingerie.

I remember being impressed with the picture when I took it and it’s one I share with “special” friends.

You know who you are.

I also occasionally post it to unblunder.

For having no nudity, it sure is a fun picture.

I guess it shows off my playful side.

As if the burner pics of me in faux fur, purple hair, and costumes don’t ALREADY say I’m fun, this definitely reinforces it.

I think it also appeals to all the subby men who’d like to get “arrested” and “taken away” by a hot police officer.

One guy asked what costumes I have in my collection.

The more appropriate question is what costumes DON’T I have in my collection.

Anyway, Tinder has been crazy fun the last few days and I’m just amused as all get up that the response to the picture has been so swift and strong.

I think maybe I’ll post THIS one next. . .

JUST KIDDING!

Looking for a boyfriend

Just the other day I saw an ad for B Simone’s comedy tour at the Improv in San Jose.

She’s titled her show, “Looking for a boyfriend” and boy, does that resonate with me.

She must have some GREAT stories about internet dating and meeting men online and all the wild and crazy behavior she has experienced.

I’m sorely tempted to go.

I think her comedy act will resonate with me because I too, am looking for a boyfriend.

He’s late, apparently.

But just ask anyone – I’m ALWAYS early.

Looking for a boyfriend is kinda like star gazing for meteor showers – if you’re not looking in the right direction, you’re gonna miss all the action!

That’s exactly how I feel right now.

Like I’ve been staring at the sky but missing the show.

I recall counseling a friend who was upset over being single for a very long time.

I kept telling him it’ll come along but of course that didn’t help.

He felt hopeless and ultimately took it personally.

Then someone new entered his life and he’s now happily coupled up for over a year.

So if there’s hope for him, there’s definitely hope for me.

I just need to look in the right direction.

Easy, no?

Happy Endings

Don’t you just LOVE a happy ending?

I was out on a date with a guy and he admitted to me that his last massage had a “happy ending.”

For those of you living under a rock, that means his “massage technician” jerked him off at the end of the massage thereby giving him a “happy ending” to his massage.

Now I was a little surprised.

First, I was astonished that he just admitted it to me out of the blue.

Maybe he was trying to steer the conversation in a sexual direction.

Second, I was a little shocked.

Not because he allowed himself to enjoy a happy ending massage, but because the massage parlor was in the illustrious town of Los Gatos.

What massage parlor in Los Gatos is doling out happy ending massages?

Come on!

This is not the first time a date admitted to a happy ending massage with me.

Another guy told me about the one he had when he was in India with – get this – a MALE masseur.

So go figure.

It happens in India.

It happens in Los Gatos.

Apparently happy ending massages are very popular.

More nerd-ish costumes

Apparently, Velma is a REALLY POPULAR FETISH that some people have.

The response to my post has been swift and arousing.

Who knew that a nerdy little brunette in glasses could have SO MUCH APPEAL?

I thought I was the only one.

So, in no particular order, here are some other cosplay ideas that have been bouncing around in my brain.

Sarah from Labyrinth:

I’ve discovered quinceańera dresses are quite suitable for this.

Claudia from Interview with the Vampire:

Please allow me to introduce myself. . .

I love this costume:

Sexy Stormtrooper.

Only because I saw Blackheart Burlesque put on a show that made my jaw drop.

Gotta love any costume that begins with a bodysuit:

Snow White.

Personally I love a Steampunk Snow White:

But that’s just me.

I also have a thing for Mary Poppins, Merida, Madeline and a BIG THING for Marie Antoinette (we share the same birthday), but that’s a MUCH larger post for the future.

Anything you’d like to see?

Crime scene sex

In my life, I’ve met men who were squeamish about period sex and men who really could care less.

Personally, I’m in favor of it.

Especially in long term relationships.

I dislike it when it’s my first time with someone, or when things are still “new.”

I don’t think it’s dirty, per se.

I think it’s messy.

So you can imagine I was LESS THAN THRILLED when Aunt Flow arrived just in time for my date with Duncan’s Hero.

The best laid plans, eh?

And he had PRISTINE WHITE SHEETS.

Oh God!

Talk about intimidating.

So I did what any woman afraid of white sheets would do.

We had a one-sided romp.

Afterwards, he admitted to not being the least bit bothered by period sex.

Just an FYI for me, of course.

In fact, he actually told me about the time he had, as he put it, “CRIME SCENE SEX.”

I didn’t know there was a term for it, but apparently there is.

Just so you know, I’m not into crime scene sex.

Why make a big mess even bigger, I ask you?

But for what it’s worth, this one-sided shit isn’t exactly satisfying.

Jinkies

I’ve been wanting to do a Scooby Doo costume for FOREVER.

Not a Daphne costume, but a VELMA costume.

Velma’s hot in a sort of brainy-meets-skater-chick kinda way.

I’ve loved her forever.

My Velma costume is atypical, however.

You see, I don’t just want to be Velma in an orange sweater and skirt.

Oh no!

I want to be LATEX VELMA.

That’s right!

I want to get all decked out in an orange latex shirt and shirt and channel my inner nerd.

I found Kitalyst on etsy and I’m posting this here because they have an AMAZING LATEX VELMA costume for $160 and in non-standard sizes.

Color me happy!

And since I now have a local friend I can impress with my costumes (hello ROLEPLAY) I’m hoping he harbors an inner Velma fetish and will enjoy the costume as much as I do.

Jinkies!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

It’s my favorite time of year.

The time when I get to pick out presents for my loved ones and show them how much they mean to me.

This year, I’m focusing on my nephews – or The Littles as I call them.

Because my brother and I each had two sets of boys.

Mine are the BIG boys and his are the LITTLE boys.

Hence, The Littles.

It’s an easy way to distinguish between them when we’re discussing “the boys.”

This year, for Christmas I purchased two sets of white cotton pajamas.

Boring, plain old cotton pajamas.

Then I got a tie dye set from Amazon so that The Little can MAKE THEIR OWN PJS!

They love tie dye and I think they’ll enjoy working with all the colors to make something unique and handmade.

Every year, I always get them a personalized ornament with their names and the year and THEIR HALLOWEEN COSTUME.

My oldest nephew was the grim reaper:

My youngest nephew was a zombie from Minecraft:

It’s not easy finding their costume every year on an ornament.

Last year, my youngest nephew was Venom.

I had to commission a Venom ornament from etsy to complete his gift.

This year, I’m also getting something different – a ten inch “layer cake” of white fabric and fabric pens.

I noticed that both boys are really artistic and I thought wouldn’t it make a great gift for their mom (my best friend from 5th grade – yes, my brother married my best friend) to have them design fabric squares over the next few months that I can then make into a quilt for her?

I sure am crafty when it comes to presents and I hope The Littles enjoy what they get.

Harder than Chinese algebra

I’m not a huge fan of long hair on men.

It’s why Nadine and I make SUCH GOOD WINGMEN for each other.

I like the clean-cut, bearded ones.

She’s like the long-haired, baby-faced ones.

I’ll take Bruce Willis and Joe Manganiello over Ryan Gosling and Jared Leto any day.

BUT. . .

THERE ARE A FEW EXCEPTIONS:

Jason Momoa.

Damn baby!

Mama ain’t gonna kick you out of bed for eating crackers!

You know he and Lisa Bonet are having some HOT SEX!

I want their sex life!

The other man I swoon over is Brock O’Hurn.

You probably haven’t heard of him but he’s a model on Instagram as well as an actor on the rise.

He looks like he was ripped straight off the cover of a romance novel.

And speaking of RIPPED, have you ever seen such a chest in ALL YOUR LIFE?!

He’s harder than Chinese algebra!