Unsolicited advice

I have a 19 year old son.

He doesn’t work.

He doesn’t go to school.

What he does do is come into my room after work to tell me to delete my Instagram photos and/or make my account private.

“Why can’t you be a NORMAL mom,” he whines.

“You should go to work, come home, have a cocktail, and STAY AT HOME,” he tells me.

Fat chance.

This is the same son who showed me a video of him and four of his friends pointing assault rifles at each other in a sort of Looney Toons showdown saying, “Survival of the fittest, mom.”

Yeah, I don’t think I’m going to take life advice from a kid who thinks that pointing a gun at his friends is an acceptable form of entertainment and VIDEORECORDS THE WHOLE THING.

The elevator isn’t reaching the top floor, methinks.

Don’t get me wrong, I love him to pieces.

He’s a snuggly, charming, and entertaining son who tells me every day that he loves me.

He’s just got a ways to go before I’ll think of him as a man instead of a boy.

And I’m not taking life advice from a kid who thinks that living life in the mainstream is the only proper and correct way to live a life.

I prefer to stay off the beaten path, thank you very much!

This mama’s going to do things her own way.

Easy access

Every Monday, Tejas cooks me dinner.

But last Monday, I cooked him dinner because he donated his fish and crab from our fishing trip to me.

I made the tastiest, flakiest, fresh, crumb-coated cod filets you can imagine which I served with mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans dressed in a lemon and mustard sauce.

It was delish!

While Tejas was there, I took the opportunity to show him some of the stuff I’ve acquired for my trip to Sweden – specifically my boots.

He encouraged (forced) me to try them on to make sure they fit okay.

And they did.

Then he proceeded to give me unsolicited advice.

Something along the lines of: SLEEP NAKED WITH THE SWEDE.

At least that was his suggestion when I told him I was planning to get a nice, comfy yet sexy nightgown to sleep in.

Hmmmm.

Sleep naked?

There’s another person in the house.

I always wonder what I will do if someone walks in OR if I have to evacuate the house because of a fire or carbon monoxide, etc.

Sleeping naked is not my forte.

If you’re worried about easy access, a nightgown usually hitches up around the waist providing absolutely NO PROTECTION against the onslaught of man.

But then, I came across THIS PAIR OF PAJAMAS on CafePress and I said:

YAAASSSS!

I had to have them.

Sweden AND hockey?

It’s The Swede’s dream.

So folks, I opted to pick not the sexiest pajamas nor the ones that provide the easiest access, but I certainly have selected a popular option.

Sweden and hockey, folks.

There in lies that man’s heart.

Really bad dating advice

brotipPlay hard to get.  Normally I’d agree with anything that starts with the word “play” because I believe in spontaneity.  But play hard to get just sounds harsh.  What will you accomplish through playing hard to get?  Some sort of delayed gratification/suffering while you go against your desires?  No thank you.  I’m spontaneous.

Wait 3 days to call her.  Oh god, I HATE this rule.  In fact, I deliberately write off a man who waits 3 days to call.  If he’s so lacking in passion/interest for me that he’ll wait 3 days, then I’ll be long gone.

Be a bit of a jerk.  Girls like bad boys.  No one likes a jerk.  And if she does, you can be sure she’s got some self-esteem problems or daddy issues and will be a handful in the future.  Do yourself a favor and behave appropriately.  You’ll thank me for it.

Attraction takes time.  No it doesn’t.  Sometimes it can build but the initial attraction is very important.  I’ve always known within 30 seconds of meeting a guy whether I’d go to bed with him or not.  I trust my instincts.  You should trust yours.

You’re trying too hard.  Making an effort is good.  If he/she can’t handle it, too bad.  Next!

You aren’t ready.  Of course you’re ready.  You’re ready whenever you start trying to meet someone.  Don’t listen to people who tell you to wait.  If you feel ready, go for it.  Get back up on that horse and win the race.

You can always change him.  No. You. Can’t.  Love him the way he is or move on.

Stay a mystery.  Mysteries make great novels and lousy people.  If you want to connect with someone, you need to be known to them.  Share. Talk.  Eff the mystery.

Let him make the first move.  This drives me crazy.  Why must the man always make the first move.  I’ve been known to stand up during dinner and kiss a man across the table because the urge struck me.  Believe me, no one EVER complained.

Always make him wait.  If you’re making him wait for you to show up for your date or for something else, you’re imposing an artificial set of rules on the relationship that might not have good results.  Best to just go with the flow and do what comes naturally.  No one likes to wait.

Really bad dating advice

664677f7e1ffc2716141760a51990e59Play hard to get.  Normally I’d agree with anything that starts with the word “play” because I believe in spontaneity.  But play hard to get just sounds harsh.  What will you accomplish through playing hard to get?  Some sort of delayed gratification/suffering while you go against your desires?  No thank you.  I’m spontaneous.

Wait 3 days to call her.  Oh god, I HATE this rule.  In fact, I deliberately write off a man who waits 3 days to call.  If he’s so lacking in passion/interest for me that he’ll wait 3 days, then I’ll be long gone.

Be a bit of a jerk.  Girls like bad boys.  No one likes a jerk.  And if she does, you can be sure she’s got some self-esteem problems or daddy issues and will be a handful in the future.  Do yourself a favor and behave appropriately.  You’ll thank me for it.

Attraction takes time.  No it doesn’t.  Sometimes it can build but the initial attraction is very important.  I’ve always known within 30 seconds of meeting a guy whether I’d go to bed with him or not.  I trust my instincts.  You should trust yours.

You’re trying too hard.  Making an effort is good.  If he/she can’t handle it, too bad.  Next!

You aren’t ready.  Of course you’re ready.  You’re ready whenever you start trying to meet someone.  Don’t listen to people who tell you to wait.  If you feel ready, go for it.  Get back up on that horse and win the race.

You can always change him.  No. You. Can’t.  Love him the way he is or move on.

Stay a mystery.  Mysteries make great novels and lousy people.  If you want to connect with someone, you need to be known to them.  Share. Talk.  Eff the mystery.

Let him make the first move.  This drives me crazy.  Why must the man always make the first move.  I’ve been known to stand up during dinner and kiss a man across the table because the urge struck me.  Believe me, no one EVER complained.

Always make him wait.  If you’re making him wait for you to show up for your date or for something else, you’re imposing an artificial set of rules on the relationship that might not have good results.  Best to just go with the flow and do what comes naturally.  No one likes to wait.

 

Dating Tips for Divorced Parents

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  1. Get out of the house and date.  Mr. or Mrs. Right will not just show up at your doorstep.
  2. Dating sites like Match, eHarmony, OK Cupid, and How About We are great but also try MeetUp – where groups of people with shared interests get together.
  3. Try an outdoor club – like Outdoor Adventure Club.  You’ll get outside, you’ll have fun, and you’ll meet new people.  It feels good to be single and having fun.
  4. Don’t freak out if you come across your ex’s profile on an online dating website.  Have a little chuckle, but don’t freak out.  It’s called recycling.
  5. Keep your options open until someone special comes along.  I’m usually dating 4-6 guys at a time. One drops out, another joins the team.  It’s how I stay busy romatically.
  6. Be sensitive to your kids feelings.  They may be comfortable with the idea of you dating, they may not be.  Try to tailor your responses to their inquisitiveness appropriately.
  7. Take the time to really get to know someone before introducing them to your kids. You want to make sure people aren’t transitioning  in and out of their lives.
  8. Be yourself.  Get comfortable in your own skin.  You want to meet someone who will love you for who you really are.