Alice in Wonderland

Once upon a time, I created a Little Bo Peep costume for a Halloween party:

So when I set about creating an Alice in Wonderland costume, I first thought of my light blue corset which I could pair with a light blue tutu to make an Alice dress.

Then I changed my mind and thought a 50’s style light blue short sleeve tea length dress would be better than a corset and a tutu (and a lot more comfortable).

Here’s my Alice in Wonderland costume:

1.   Black bow hairband – $7.99

2.  Blond wig with bangs – $21.99

3.  Blue short sleeve dress  – $32.00 – $36.99

4.  White tights – $9.99

5.  White retro apron – $14.99

6.  White petticoat – $14.99

7.  Drink Me potion necklace – $11.99

8.  Black Mary Jane shoes – $99.90 – $241.22



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The Ballerina vs the Amazon

When I was a little girl, my parents enrolled me in the Academy of Dance and I learned ballet. I studied for almost 10 years and just made it to toe shoes. But somewhere around year 8, it became apparent that I was not going to make it as a ballerina.

For one, I shot up for 5’8” tall. Also, I tipped the scales at 140 pounds, I grew a booty, and I sported a DD rack.

It was obvious I’d be no ballerina.

Ever since discovering I wasn’t going to be a petite woman men wanted to protect, I’ve been obsessed with being the opposite – an Amazon.

I wear sky high heels to put me over 6 feet tall. I like to look down on the tops of men’s heads. I like it when they’re eye level with my cleavage.

I even took up Scottish heavy athletics for a while.

I think there’s something sexy about a tall, strong woman who can take care of herself.

As it turns out, I’m not a classic Amazon either. I’m not 6+ feet tall. And my body is more like one of Renoir’s bather paintings than an Amazon woman. I’m not the muscular sex pot I wish I was.

But I’m learning to love my body and appreciate that it’s strong in all the ways I need it to be strong.

I’ve birthed 3 babies in record time. I’ve survived surgeries and heartbreaks. I’ve run two half-marathons.

In many ways, I am the Amazon I aspire to be.

But I’m also a little bit ballerina…. I can still do the splits.

A faster way to spend money

I finally broke down and bought an Echo off of Amazon.

I bought it for one reason and one reason only.

I want to be able to turn my lights on and off with my voice.

That’s about it.

Oh, it’s cool to play music and ask Alexa the time or the weather forecast, but what I’m truly after is voice control lighting.

Tejas and Yvonne have Alexa in their homes.

She can do cool things like set timers, play any song you request, control your thermostat, etc.

Personally, I want to set her up to give me compliments.

“That dress looks SMASHING on you!”

“Have you lost weight?”

“You’re having a GREAT hair day today.”

In that respect, she’ll be a like a surrogate husband, making me feel attractive and sexy.

But Alexa is also a wife.

Because do you know what else she can do?

She can interface with Amazon and order things for you.

Voice activated online shopping.

Just what I need.

A faster way to spend money.

Bring on the face paint and glowy things!

heartBring on the face paint and glowy things!

It’s official.

I’ve lost my mind.

I went and bought a face paint kit from Amazon, just because I might need it in the future.

All these burner parties.

What if I need to transform myself into The Lorax? Or a bunny? Or The Grinch?

I really need face paint for that.

These are the things that go through my head when I’m playing with yellow and orange eyeshadow for my Lorax costume.

When eyeshadow isn’t dramatic enough… go for face paint!

I also bought a bunch of glowy things for my costume and to give away.

You’re never fully dressed without a smile… true… but you’re also never fully dressed without some EL wire and LED lights.


When he likes your “type”

I got a message from Francis.

“You voluptuous vixen”

He proceeded to compliment my “curvy package” and as the conversation progressed, it got hotter and hotter.

FullSizeRender(3) FullSizeRender(4) FullSizeRender(5)I am an archetype.

An archetype is a perfect example of something. In my case, a big beautiful blond with a very curvy body. An Amazon, according to my friend Marty.

Initially, I was really excited. How often do I get to experience someone’s complete and total adoration of my body?

Sadly, not that often.

It was an exciting feeling to be adored like that.

But then I started to feel a little flat – as if I had been reduced to a one-dimensional characteristic of myself… my body.

Despite all the dating I do, I’ve never had someone lust after my body so strongly that they ignored all the other (much more valuable) parts of me – my intelligence, my kindness, my generosity, etc. Things that I think make me sexy.

I’m sure I’d enjoy being worshipped by Francis. As much as I enjoyed his exuberant appreciation for my body.

And given that I don’t have the “Barbie” archetype body that is so idolized in our culture, I think I will take this young man’s appreciation of me and savor it just a little bit longer.

Just. A. Bit.

I’m a creep

I can’t believe I’m putting up a shoe post but I just can’t contain my excitement.

Plus, shoes are much more thrilling than air conditioning units, grey water, and shade structures, even if they’re a little less practical…

My playa boots arrived in the mail yesterday and I was so excited to receive them and put them on.

Yes, they are big old clodhopper platform boots, but I can’t help but picture myself stomping around the playa in my big black platform creepers getting them filthy.

Way too much fun!

Hopefully they’ll make me nice and tall so I can look down on the tops of men’s heads, something that I love to do.

I just love it when a man is eye level with my… ahem… chest.

It’s a kink I have, I suppose. I love being taller than men almost as much as I love it when they dwarf me.

These boots are guaranteed to at least put me closer to being in the Amazon category, which I love.

Tall. Strong. Blond. Bodacious.