Single and AMAZING

I just realized.

Valentine’s Day is on the horizon.

That holiday is always a bit of a crap shoot for me.

Some years I like it.

Other years I DESPISE it!

This year, I’m feeling slightly ambivalent with a slight lean towards “FUCK THIS FUCKING HOLIDAY.”

Yes, it’s because I’m single and I have no one to celebrate romantic love with.

But I sure have a lot of people I love who I can celebrate.

So Valentine’s Day doesn’t TOTALLY suck the BIG ONE.

This year I’m going on a pub crawl for Valentine’s Day.

Table for Onesie is a progressive through the streets of Campbell where people dressed in onesies drown their sorrows in booze.

PERFECT!

Sign me up for THAT!

I’ll be in my jungle monkey onesie:

Perhaps underneath I’ll wear these broken heart nipple pasties.

Although for aforementioned reasons, OBVIOUSLY no one will see them.

I thought about wearing my TOXIC LOVE sweatshirt, which I’ve worn in protest in the past.

But in the end, I just LOVE the monkey suit.

If you’re in the same boat as me this Valentine’s Day, consider getting a group of friends together to celebrate this stupid fucking holiday with a shit ton of booze.

And never forget. . .

Even though you’re single, you’re still AWAZING!

 

 

Anti Valentine’s Day 2018

Ok, so every year around Valentine’s Day I post links to etsy Anti-Valentine’s Day gift ideas and this year will be no different.

Fuck Valentine’s Day banner – I blog my hatred of Valentine’s Day, you can hang a banner.

Ah ha ha ha – perfect card for me to send to my sister, or for my sister to send to me.

Anti-Valentine’s Day cookies – for my snarky 16 year old to pass out to his friends.

Love is in the Air tank top – better stop breathing!

An Anti-Valentines’ Day mug – about as romantic as I could get for this fucking disaster of a holiday.

Oh yes, the CLASSIC “Cupid rhymes with stupid” tee – so you can broadcast what you really feel.

Fuck off necklace – don’t you just love the profanity of it? You can’t say it doesn’t send a message.

Ah, well I love tasteless cards, and this is one of them.

Another card I’d like to send to my ex.

Pins for Single Awareness Day – don’t be afraid to show the world what you think.

The best part of Valentine’s Day? An excuse to drink excessively and drown your frustrations.

And last, a bandana which I would put on my dog if I had one but oh yeah, she died and now not even my dog is there to love me. Tears!

The post where I wear a lobster in my hair

This past weekend I went to the Salvador Dali Anti Valentine’s Day Arti Parti with Barbara.

fullsizerender1I showed up wearing black leggings and a Toxic Love sweatshirt.

I also had a lobster on my head because, you know, who doesn’t wear a lobster on their head for a Dali Arti Parti?

fullsizerenderTejas and his lady love Yvonne showed up to the party all dressed up as well and Tejas took this lovely photo of me:

img_0971Could I look any worse?

Honestly, it’s SO BAD it’s good.

All that’s missing is a beer in my hand.

So I spent the night sitting in the corner chair dancing my heart out while drinking coronas.

It was a blast!

But I must say, I was a little disappointed.

I thought I’d be the only one wearing a lobster on my head and it turns out a BUNCH of other people showed up with lobsters – notably a woman wearing a bra with two lobsters attached and a pair of underwear with a lobster attached.

Link to the picture is HERE.

Who knew I’d b upstaged by a LOBSTER BIKINI!!!

And I never thought I’d write those two words together.

Go figure.

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Another Anti-Valentine Day post

I know what you’re wondering.

You’re wondering “How long can this woman stay mad at Valentine’s Day?

And the answer is – A LONG TIME.

This year I will be going to a friend’s Anti-Valentine’s Day party in the Santa Cruz mountains.

The theme is “Salvador Dali” which I think is ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT.

Imagine all the surreal costumes showing up.

The melting clocks.

The wonky eyeballs.

So, you may be wondering, what will I be wearing to this soiree?

I am wearing a red dress:

red-dresspaired with a very surreal lobster headband:

lobster-headbandI got my inspiration for Salvador Dali’s Lobster telephone which I find both playful and menacing – the perfect representation of surrealism.

lobster-telephoneOf course there is precedent for people putting lobsters on their heads:

lady-gagaEven good old Dali himself sported a crustacean on his own head.

salvador-daliSo there you have it.

My surreal Dali costume for the Anti Valentine’s Day party.

It’s gonna be F U N !

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50 Anti Valentine’s Day Songs

av13Wanna know what I’m going to be listening to this Valentine’s Day?  A whole bunch of angry feminist pop music.

“Someone Like You” will slake my frustration over the one that got away.

“Irreplaceable” is perfect for that guy who left me for another woman WHILE I WAS HAVING A MISCARRIAGE.

“Survivor” is the perfect anthem for making me feel strong and empowered.

And of course there’s a little Judas Priest in there so I can really vent my anger over the DISASTER THAT IS INTERNET DATING.

  1. God, I Get It – K. Michelle
  2. Since U Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson
  3. You Oughta Know – Alanis Morissette
  4. Irreplaceable – Beyoncé
  5. Bulletproof – La Roux
  6. Never Getting Back Together – Taylor Swift
  7. The Heart Wants What it Wants – Selena Gomez
  8. Doing it Wrong – Drake
  9. Someone Like You – Adele
  10. Survivor – Destiny’s Child
  11. Need You Now – Lady Antebellum
  12. Big Girls Don’t Cry – Fergie
  13. “IDFWU” – Big Sean
  14. Love Hurts – Gram Parsons
  15. It Must Have Been Love – Roxette
  16. So Sick – Ne-Yo
  17. You Bowed Down – Elvis Costello & The Attractions
  18. Gives You Hell – The All-American Rejects
  19. Blow Me (One Last Kiss) – P!nk
  20. You Got Lucky – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
  21. These Boots Are Made For Walking – Nancy Sinatra
  22. You Had Me – Joss Stone
  23. I Will Survive – Cake
  24. Hit the Road Jack – Ray Charles
  25. F*ck You – Ce Lo Green
  26. Somebody that I Used to Know – Gotye
  27. I Kicked a Boy – The Sundays
  28. Love Stinks – J. Geils Band
  29. One is the Magic Number – Jill Scott
  30. Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac
  31. Ridin’ Solo – Jason Derulo
  32. No Scrubs – TLC
  33. Stronger – Britney Spears
  34. What the Hell – Avril Lavigne
  35. Dance Floor Anthem – Good Charlotte
  36. Single – Natasha Bedingfield
  37. Single Ladies – Beyoncé
  38. What Comes Around Goes Around – Justin Timberlake
  39. Cry Me a River – Justin Timberlake
  40. Survivor – Destiny’s Child
  41. Love the Way You Lie – Rhianna
  42. All of Me – John Legend
  43. Wrecking Ball – Miley Cyrus
  44. I’m Good, I’m Gone – Lykke Li
  45. Heartbeats – The Knife
  46. Love Bites – Judas Priest
  47. Fighter – Christina Aguilera
  48. Song for the Dumped – Ben Folds Five
  49. Here I go Again – Whitesnake
  50. Stronger – Kelly Clarkson

How I do Valentine’s Day

boysI have two teenage sons – ages 15 and 17.

They are at an age now where they are keenly aware of what is cool and what isn’t.

Dodge Chargers? Cool.

Bieber hair? Not cool.

College football? Cool.

Valentine’s Day? Not cool.

They happen to be the two most important men in my life and since I have no one to celebrate a ROMANTIC Valentine’s Day with, I opt to celebrate a FAMILIAL Valentine’s Day with them.

I’m sure they’d rather I not, but I am a Type-A overachiever and I can’t let a holiday go by without celebrating the SHIT out of it.

Therefore, MILK AND HONEY CAKERY.

av11They make Anti-Valentine’s Day cookies and deliver them before Valentine’s Day.

I just ordered a dozen as a gift from me to my spawn.

I just love the sentiments on the cookies:

  • U STINK
  • NEXT
  • GAG
  • NOPE

They’re absolutely perfect for giving to my way-too-cool-for-you teenage sons who actually groan at the idea of me giving them a Valentine’s Day gift (that isn’t cash).

Last year though, they stuffed their pockets with the cookies and gave them to their friends.

Because apparently it’s cool to insult your buddies.

And just for clarification, I did not receive any discount for writing this blog and will not receive a kickback if you buy any cookies.

I just happen to think MILK AND HONEY CAKERY is awesome and I have to share.

More Anti-Valentine’s Day ideas

I can’t tell you how HAPPY it makes me to embrace my bitterness and frustration and write these posts.

It’s cathartic!

I want to send all my single friends nasty little “VD sux” cards.

I want to wear a TOXIC LOVE sweatshirt to work with bitter little earrings and just wallow in anger and self-pity.

For once, I don’t want to be optimistic and positive and try to see my situation as temporary and enjoyable.

I just want to be mad.

Because on Valentine’s Day, being single SUCKS.

No one loves me.

Boo hoo!

av1The Boyfriend Pillow

 

av2Black Lollipops
av3Single AF Tank

 

av4Wine is my Valentine Glasses
av5Anti-VD Necklace

 

av6Anti-VD Earrings
av7Love is in the Air T-shirt

 

av8Happy Singles Awareness Day Card
av9Twat heart av10Cupcake Toppers

 

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Shitballs and crusty nuts!

I just realized that the next big holiday coming round the corner ready to brain me with hearts, red/pink flowers, chocolate, and saccharine sentiment is VALENTINE’S DAY.

Oh how I HATE Valentine’s Day!

A whole frigging day devoted to love and reminding me that I am single.

As if I need a reminder.

My whole existence is ONE BIG REMINDER that no one wants me.

Okay, that’s a lie.

Lots of people want me and love me, but no one who regularly climbs into bed with me and does the nasty with me.

When it comes to romantic love, I’m fresh out.

And that’s why I don’t need an entire day to remind me of that.

I have ALL THIS LOVE TO GIVE and NO PLACE TO PUT IT.

Sigh.

So, as typical for me, I intend to post my Anti-Valentine’s Day gifts – courtesy of etsy.com – so that you too can be bitter and angry like me.

Yet entertained.

So here it goes, Round #1 of Anti-Valentine’s Day sentiments:

av1Anti-Valentine’s Day Mug

 

av2Anti-Valentine’s Day Card
av3Broken Robot Heart Plushie

 

av4Vodka is my Valentine Tank
av5Black Hearted Soap

 

av6Anti-Valentine’s Day Necklace
av7Toxic Love Sweatshirt

 

av8Suck it Cupid Banner
av9Lighter Cases av10Anti-Valentine’s Day Fascinator

 

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Anti-Valentine’s Day 2016

It’s going to become a tradition on my blog for me to troll Etsy for fabulous and creative Anti-Valentine’s Day gifts.  Without further adieu… a few really great Anti-Valentine’s Day items (with links), for the hater in you:

Put a bandaid on your broken heart.

vday1Give the perfect A-V Day bouquet of cookies.

vday2

Give someone a meaningful card.

vday3

Don’t forget to be honest in your communications.

vday4

Remember, it’s okay to drink a lot.

vday5But be clear about how you feel about yourself.

vday6Love is a danger zone.

vday7

We all know what you’re really after.

vday8So don’t be one of these:

vday9Or one of these:

vday10Yes, it’s true that Valentine’s Day is crap.

vday11So just relax.

vday12

But don’t forget…

vday13

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Another Way to Bleed, reposted

I’ve been thinking about Anti-Valentine’s Day and how it seems like a lot more fun than Valentine’s Day.

I took the liberty of putting together some swag for Anti-Valentine’s Day which I found incredibly entertaining.

Hope you enjoy…

image image

 And of course what kind of holiday would it be if you didn’t have a glass to toast with?

imageBecause drinking is par for the course on Anti-Valentine’s Day.

imageBut don’t be too hard on yourself. Indulge in a little self love.

image Because don’t forget a little bitterness is in order.

image image
image image

 And remember, you’re one bad ass bitch.

imageSo embrace your inner witch.

imageA broken heart isn’t the end of the world.

imageSo don’t go playing with one of these

imageAnd if all else fails…

imageHappy Fucking Valentine’s Day to you.

image“Love sucks. Sometimes it feels good. Sometimes it’s just another way to bleed” ~ Laurell Hamilton