Lousy F*ck

This post is for all the guys out there.

There’s something you need to hear and I’m gonna be the one to say it:

Aftercare.

It’s a thing.

And it’s an important thing.

You don’t just slip your clothes back on and beat a hasty retreat out of the bedroom.

No.

Part of the commitment to sex involves a minimal commitment to AFTERCARE.

Meaning you and your partner make pillow talk for at least 10 or 15 minutes post coitus.

When you leap up and wash, get dressed, and leave, it feels like an abrupt and rude ending to what might have otherwise been a fun evening.

So, I’m curious. . . what will it take to make you give a shit about being respectful and connected post coitus?

I’ll give you a tip.

It doesn’t matter how good a lover you are, IF YOU DO THIS THEN THE LOVEMAKING SUCKS.

A smooth transition from the bed to the kiss goodbye ensures that the entire event will be viewed in a positive light.

If you tell us we have a lazy eye. . .

If you put on your clothes IMMEDIATELY. . .

If you fail to provide ADEQUATE AFTERCARE you will be remembered as a LOUSY FUCK and we will PURGE YOU FROM OUR PHONE AND OUR MEMORIES.

That is all.

10 Things I Believe About Dating

1. Whether or not it is clear to you, the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.  Trust in it for the best outcome.

2. Kind should be his first attribute.  We’re just looking for a safe place to call home.  Your heart, above all else, need to be treated with kindness.

3. If he’s not kind to the waitstaff, he will eventually treat you the same way.  Pay attention and choose wisely.

4. Bad sex happens to good people.  But sex is like pizza… even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.

5. Drama is for thespians.  It’s a dimension adults create to live out a more heightened existence.  So unless you’re pursuing an Oscar, or your own reality show, leave the drama to the people who study it.

6. You can never say the wrong thing.  The things we are self conscious about , the cringe-worthy secrets, when revealed are the very things that make people like us.

7. Everyone has baggage.  But some people have a matching set of luggage.  It’s all in their approach to life.

8. Suave is overrated.  The truth is the man I want approaching me is the man who is nervous to ask, because he likes me that much.

9. Don’t get tied to outcomes.  Expectations can ruin a budding relationship.  Learn to relax and just enjoy the ride.

10. YOU ARE THE LOVE YOU SEEK.  I stopped thinking about when I am going to meet “the one” because I am in the process of making myself happy.

10 Things I Believe About Dating

1. Whether or not it is clear to you, the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.  Trust in it for the best outcome.

2. Kind should be his first attribute.  We’re just looking for a safe place to call home.  Your heart, above all else, need to be treated with kindness.

3. If he’s not kind to the waitstaff, he will eventually treat you the same way.  Pay attention and choose wisely.

4. Bad sex happens to good people.  But sex is like pizza… even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.

5. Drama is for thespians.  It’s a dimension adults create to live out a more heightened existence.  So unless you’re pursuing an Oscar, or your own reality show, leave the drama to the people who study it.

6. You can never say the wrong thing.  The things we are self conscious about , the cringe-worthy secrets, when revealed are the very things that make people like us.

7. Everyone has baggage.  Some people have luggage.  It’s all in their approach to life.

8. Suave is overrated.  The truth is the man I want approaching me is the man who is nervous to ask, because he likes me that much.

9. Don’t get tied to outcomes.  Expectations can ruin a budding relationship.  Learn to relax and just enjoy the ride.

10. YOU ARE THE LOVE YOU SEEK.  I stopped thinking about when I am going to meet “the one” because I am in the process of making myself happy.

10 Things I Believe About Dating

1. Whether or not it is clear to you, the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.  Trust in it for the best outcome.

2. Kind should be his first attribute.  We’re just looking for a safe place to call home.  Your heart, above all else, need to be treated with kindness.

3. If he’s not kind to the waitstaff, he will eventually treat you the same way.  Pay attention and choose wisely.

4. Bad sex happens to good people.  But sex is like pizza… even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.

5. Drama is for thespians.  It’s a dimension adults create to live out a more heightened existence.  So unless you’re pursuing an Oscar, or your own reality show, leave the drama to the people who study it.

6. You can never say the wrong thing.  The things we are self conscious about , the cringe-worthy secrets, when revealed are the very things that make people like us.

7. Everyone has baggage.  Some people have luggage.  It’s all in their approach to life.

8. Suave is overrated.  The truth is the man I want approaching me is the man who is nervous to ask, because he likes me that much.

9. Don’t get tied to outcomes.  Expectations can ruin a budding relationship.  Learn to relax and just enjoy the ride.

10. YOU ARE THE LOVE YOU SEEK.  I stopped thinking about when I am going to meet “the one” because I am in the process of making myself happy.