All right, so I’m back to online dating.
Basically because I don’t meet single men at my job and I’m too lazy to go out every night trolling for men.
Within a few minutes of downloading Tinder to my phone, I had a handful of matches.
All healthy looking Bay Area lumberjacks (with beards, naturally).
One quickly proved to be only interested in rubbing aloe vera on my poor sunburned breasts.
His suggestion, not mine.
The other has shown himself to be made of more substantial matter – conversing with me without making a single comment about breasts, sunburns, and rubbing aloe vera on my sunburned chest.
I unmatched the man who wanted to rub my breasts with aloe.
Why waste our time?
Although I did (for a second) think about how fun it would be to sext him and his sexy beard.
I’ve decided I’m going to improve on vetting the men who reach out to me.
Make sure there’s some basic features available:
- Would never vote for Trump (not in 2016, not in 2020).
- If he doesn’t have a beard, is willing to grow one.
- Would enjoy attending Burning Man, not just tolerate the experience.
- Like kids, because I’ve got two (granted they’re both almost of age now, but still).
- Is an animal lover (compassion is key).
- Is emotionally intelligent as well as intellectually intelligent.
I’ve also been advised, by Barbara, to let her vet potential dates by introducing them to her before the fifth date.
The fifth date is when all the oxytocin (bonding hormone) sets in and I start being oblivious to all his faults.
And we all know that Barbara is The Hammer and can sort appropriate men from inappropriate men JUST LIKE THAT.
She’s got mad skills.