I need a dog

Pints and Pups was this weekend.

I dragged myself out of bed, picked up Barbara, and headed over to Golden State Brewery in Santa Clara for some snuzzles with doggies and BEER!

It was fun to see old friends and to hang out with Barbara.

Drinking beer.

Barbara, in case you didn’t know it, is my “sister.”

We look so much alike people mistake us for sisters.

I got to check out the rescued dogs brought to the event by Thulani Senior German Shepherd Dog Rescue.

They rescue senior German shepherds that have been abandoned by their owners in their old age.

It’s heartbreaking.

I got the feeling like these dogs were searching the crowd for their person and not finding him or her.

They kept looking off into the distance.

Oblivious of my attempts to garner their attention.

But I loved on the doggies anyway and perhaps even signed myself up to volunteer with Thulani next weekend.

Of course, you MUST know that my favorite breed of dog is German shepherd, on account of I’ve had two and they were THE BEST DOGS.

I miss them terribly.

So I was incredibly pleased when friends took it upon themselves to paint an image of my Wendy girl from a picture I gave them.

It’s stunning!

Warms my poor little heart to see her again, in a painting.

This is actually a picture of Wendy around 3 years old, taken when I was rescuing her from the Tri-Valley Animal Shelter.

She somehow managed to sit long enough for me to snap a photo.

Wendy was never the sort to sit still for any length of time, so I was especially pleased I managed to get that photo of her.

And just like this picture of Mac (below), my first white German shepherd, it has become my quintessential photo of Wendy.

I need a dog.



I’m a millionaire

Mother’s Day is coming up!

I just realized this.

Which means I have to get something for my mom, my birthmom, stepmom and my grandma.

I am thinking I’ll get some really beautiful handmade cards for each of them.

I’m sort of in love with these POP UP cards from ScrappyTailsCrafts on Etsy:

Aren’t they just BEAUTIFUL?!

Just like my moms, my stepmom and my grandma!

And I always try to do something special for my friend Barbara, whose mother passed away a few years ago (and on my birthday).

I know she keenly feels the loss, and Mother’s Day just exacerbates it.

Usually I send flowers, and I’m thinking this year I’ll send something a little different.

Like a cookie bouquet!

A tasty treat for my dear friend.

As always, Mother’s Day makes me realize how many SPECTACULAR WOMEN I have in my life, not just my mothers, but also my sisters, aunts, and friends.

I believe you can measure the happiness in your life by the number of really close female relationships you have.

And in that respect, I’m a millionaire!

Red Flags

I ignore red flags MOST of the time.

Some guy calls his ex-wife a narcissist and I look the other way.

Another guy tells me I have a lazy eye over drinks and I laugh and make excuses.

So when the newest guy made a joke about my sister and I in a porno together, I ALMOST let it slide.


But I didn’t.

I called him out on it.

I’m not sure why I didn’t let it slide.

Actually I do.

I made excuses for one guy’s behavior not too long ago and he lived up to my (ignored) first impression of him.

So this time I didn’t want to ignore it.



Who, when trying to put their best foot forward upon meeting a new woman, makes a porn joke about her and her sister?

Who makes porn jokes BEFORE the first date?

A man with his mind in the gutter?

A man with no manners?

A man who clearly is suffering from a lack of social skills?

Regardless of WHY he did it, the end result is the same.

The fucking hammer has fallen and YOU HAVE BEEN VOTED OFF THE ISLAND!

Barbara would be so proud. . .

Up in flames

As soon as I stepped outside the house, it hit me.

The overwhelming scent of fire.

One thing was clear: Something had burned during the night.

I drove to work and was walking to my building when I got a text from Barbara.

“Hope your family in Santa Rosa is safe.”


Was there a shooter? An earthquake? What happened?

I immediately called Barbara back.

“There’s fires in Santa Rosa,” she told me. “It’s bad.”

I immediately got on the phone and tried to reach my birth mom.

In my haste, I inadvertently walked into a crosswalk that was closed due to construction, incurring the wrath of a very tall, beet faced man.

He was waving his arms at me wildly.

I stepped out of the crosswalk but he continued to make wild gestures at me.


So this is how the day is going to go.

First, the fires, and now an angry construction worker.

I burst into tears.

So I met Joe

Joe is handsome and funny.

Not exactly the tallest guy I’ve ever met, but still can hold his own in a showdown with me in 4” heels.

Joe is a diver and it excites him that I am a Rescue Diver.

Of course, he doesn’t know I haven’t dove in years because of that panic attack I had underwater caused by blood pressure changes in a too tight wetsuit hood.

Joe called me up and we chatted for a little while.

He is keen to go out and I was kind of excited too.

He’s got daughters after all and Lord knows I want to wind up with a man with daughters.

All on account of I have none of my own.

In so many ways, Joe seemed PERFECT for me.

Daughters. Adventurous spirit. World traveler. Funny.

So I showed his profile to Barbara, just to see if he could get the BARBARA STAMP OF APPROVAL.

Barbara is probably the toughest of all my friends to approve the men I date.

She’s not called The Hammer for nothing.


And that’s when it happened.

I glanced at his profile and saw “Separated” as his marital status.


Jesus F. Christ!


What NOT to do when SPEED Dating

So Barbara went speed dating.

Women were invited to attend free.

Perhaps it’s easier to get men to sign up than it is to get women to sign up for these things.

I was wondering why she didn’t invite me to join in the, ahem, fun when I remembered that I’m an ENTIRE DECADE OLDER than Barbara.


Why throw in a non-breeder with all those breeders.

It’s not like I’m going to have kids with a 30 year old.

Been there and DONE THAT.


Yesterday at a Galentine’s Tea, the ladies asked Barbara about it.

Her experience much mirrored my own experience speed dating:

  • Five minutes can be a REALLY LONG TIME if there’s no connection.
  • In the end, all you need is ONE. But it feels like a FUCKING NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK!

So just to remind you all of my speed dating disaster, here is what I wrote back in September 2014 when I lost my mind and decided speed dating was a good idea:


What shouldn’t you do when speed dating? Speed date. Full stop.

Just. Don’t. Do. It.

Let me save you the trouble and paint a picture of my speed dating debacle.

The evening started off nice enough with me getting stopped on the streets of downtown San Jose by a random man who wanted to tell me I looked beautiful. Awwww.

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 I arrived at the restaurant feeling confident. I was 30 minutes early so I decided to order one of their signature cocktails.

Bartender can’t make it. No grapefruit.

So I order a Sazerac – only the OLDEST cocktail in history.

Bartender can’t make that either.

Fine! I had an old fashioned.

I sipped on my cocktail, sulking a bit. Unimpressed with the bartender.

People started arriving for the event. I was eating a nice bloody rare steak I’d been craving when I was interrupted by the event hosts. Time to go!

Shit! No time to pee or brush my teeth after eating all that garlic and jalapenos at dinner. Oh well. Faux pas.

And did it matter?

Not one bit.

What happened next is what I like to call the “Parade of Trolls.” My dates were all fat, short, and even rude on several occasions.

They’d been rode hard and put away wet.

Oh, and did I mention that because I didn’t get a chance to pee I accidentally peeped my pants? Just a skosh.

Yeah, I was a real winner too.

Let me just say right now if I’m going to wear a too tight bra, I’d better be rewarded at the end of it. There was no reward here.

My only reward was my freedom. The joy of running out the restaurant door straight to my car to head home and purge the last two hours from my memory.

This whole experience has soured me to the entire dating world. There’s nothing I want less right now than another fucking first date.

Gah! Fucking speed dating!

I’m going to sit at home, eat cheese, and drink martinis while watching episodes of “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

Speed date? I’d rather chew on tinfoil while shaving my head with a cheese grater!

Ringing in the New Year

img_0831This year I decided to celebrate the passing of 2016 and the arrival of 2017 with  my friend Barbara.  I was invited to a black tie affair at a friend’s home nearby and Barbara was my “plus one.”

Barbara hashtagged our Facebook photos with:

  • #whenyourfriendsaremorefunthanadate
  • #someonemistakedusforthedoubleminttwins
  • #hadtotellhimthatwewerentrelated
  • #hedidntbelieveme

Yes indeed, it appears that most people think Barbara and I are somehow related.  I take this as a compliment because I think Barbara is an exquisitely beautiful person, inside and out.

Here are some photos from New Year’s Eve.  As you can see we had a lot of fun with Snapchat and Messenger filters:

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Buh-bye 2016, Hello 2017!

Last year I went to a HUGE house party for NYE.  I’d say there were somewhere between 100 to 200 people in attendance.

It was really a magnificent event and I had a great time with my date.

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I believe I drank my weight in champagne but managed to keep a lid on things.

No, I didn’t disgrace myself until the Dr. Seuss party where I drank too much rum and spewed vomit all over his car pulled over on the side of the road.

My bad!

See if I ever let anyone make my drink again without me watching!

Anyhow, this year I’m going to the same house party.

This time with the beautiful Barbara as my date.

Yes, nothing like bringing your BFF to a party to ensure that you have a GREAT time!

Of course, there will be no NYE kiss for me this year (sad face) but I might be able to scrounge up a partner or two to lay one on me.

And here, I’m debuting my outfit for NYE – a lovely rose gold sequin gown with matching accessories!nye-outfit

Yay!  Totally gorgeous!

Buh-bye 2016, HELLO 2017!






barbara1I “inherited” my friendship with Barbara from my (now defunct) friendship with Danielle.

We met at a Curvy Girl anniversary party.

I remember Barbara was wearing a skull and crossbones corset that looked AMAZING.

barbara-corsetWe both got henna tattoos and waved our arms in the air like we don’t care, just drying our henna tattoos.

When my friendship with Danielle broke down, I assumed that Barbara would go away too.

But she didn’t.

She stayed.

Barbara and I look like sisters. Even MY OWN FATHER mistakes Barbara for me.

She may be a decade younger than me, but in sense and sensibility, she is a decade more advanced than I.

I aspire to be more like her.

Barbara is also a mystic.

She has the awesome power to observe relationships and predict their outcome based on her SUPERIOR POWERS OF ANALYSIS.

And she has no room for flakes.

I introduced her to my friend Brandon who is a pretty cool black man living in the City.

When he flaked on calling her back for a week, Barbara wrote him off.

DESPITE the fact that she had liked him.

Because Barbara is strong like that.

I am, of course, weak.

So I need someone like Barbara in my life to remind me that when flakiness happens to me, it’s a result of mediocre interest, not busy schedules.


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barbara3 barbara2



That is why, I’m proud to announce that Barbara has now been accepted into THE INNER SANCTUM.

And what is THE INNER SANCTUM, you wonder?

It’s a small yet elite group of women who enrich my life such that I am devoted to their own happiness and well being.

THE INNER SANCTUM has the power to veto relationships in my life.

Now, men who want to date me need the approval of:

  • My sister Lisa
  • My friend Michelle
  • My cousin Jennifer
  • My friend Barbara

I heart THE INNER SANCTUM. Those women always see the best in me and insist that I find a man who sees the same.

Needless to say, we’re still working on that.



Good (and Bad) Places to Meet Men

michelleMost of my friends are married or have boyfriends.

It sort of leaves me swaying in the breeze when it comes to activities I can do to meet men.

I don’t necessarily want to hang out by myself waiting for an appropriate man to come by.

That is why I am so stoked that my friend Barbara is single.

Not only is she single, she’s also BEAUTIFUL!

We look like sisters , we’ve been told many times.

Best of all, she and I have TOTALLY different types of men that we like.

So there’s no competition.

So, without further adieu – a list of good places to meet men, with a few bad places thrown in just for entertainment:

  1. The DMV – oh hell no! I’m not going to hang around the DMV in order to meet men. Pass!
  2. The Driving Range – I’ve always wanted to learn to play golf. It’d be fun to take Barbara and hit a few balls while scoping out the men at the range.
  3. Improv classes – Sounds like fun AND a good way to meet single men. And a great way to present for “funny!”
  4. Dog Parks – hey! I have a dog! What not take her and Barbara to the park – you know, the one next to the basketball courts. Shirts versus skins!
  5. Sporting events – Barbara and I already go to see the Giants (1x/month) and the 49ers (1x/season). Men are prolific there. Too bad I never seem to meet any of them. But that could change.
  6. Bar crawls – have you noticed that as the bar crawl progresses, the men get friendlier and friendlier? GREAT place to meet (drunk) men.
  7. Crossfit – okay, no on this one. I would never meet a guy a crossfit. That implies that I like working out and that is a big N – O.
  8. The Car Wash – I can see how this COULD be a good place to meet men, however you’d have to hang out for a while to really reap any rewards. I’m not sure I want to grab Barbara and hang out at Classic Car Wash.
  9. Sports Bars – Sports = Men. ‘Nuff said.
  10. Photpgraphy Class – or any adult education class for that matter. I could probably talk Barbara into taking a class with me. Might be a good place to meet single men. Course they always ask if I can “pose” for them. . .
  11. Wineries – okay, in my estimation men come here in COUPLES but MAYBE you could meet a wine connoisseur there. Probably not too many prospects for Barbara though.
  12. Music & Art Festivals – Again, a place where couples seem to hang out, but COULD be a good place to meet single males as well. If nothing else, at least Barbara and I will be entertained.
  13. Religious Gatherings – well, I’m not religious, so this would be a total bust.
  14. Weddings – ah, if only more of my friends were getting married. Wedding are a GREAT place to meet men and I would TOTALLY take Barbara as my plus one!
  15. The Shooting Range – I’ve always wanted to learn to shoot a gun. Bonus that there’s men around where you do that.
  16. Meetup Groups – I once went to a meetup group with a date, got pulled aside by another man, and asked out. Meetup groups are great for meeting men. If only I could find the right meet up group – fishing, hiking, sailing, etc.
  17. Happy Hour – This is great because Barbara and I LOVE happy hour. Lots of busy professionals blowing off some steam. I’d like the lumberjack special and Barbara will take a side of tall, dark, and handsome.
  18. Trivia Night – Now THIS would be totally fun. Team up with Barbara and some guys and see how smart we all are. Perfect!
  19. The Cigar Bar – Ugh. No thanks. I don’t want to sit in a nasty, smoky bar waiting for some balding, insurance salesman who smells like whiskey to hit on me. Pass!