So I met Joe

Joe is handsome and funny.

Not exactly the tallest guy I’ve ever met, but still can hold his own in a showdown with me in 4” heels.

Joe is a diver and it excites him that I am a Rescue Diver.

Of course, he doesn’t know I haven’t dove in years because of that panic attack I had underwater caused by blood pressure changes in a too tight wetsuit hood.

Joe called me up and we chatted for a little while.

He is keen to go out and I was kind of excited too.

He’s got daughters after all and Lord knows I want to wind up with a man with daughters.

All on account of I have none of my own.

In so many ways, Joe seemed PERFECT for me.

Daughters. Adventurous spirit. World traveler. Funny.

So I showed his profile to Barbara, just to see if he could get the BARBARA STAMP OF APPROVAL.

Barbara is probably the toughest of all my friends to approve the men I date.

She’s not called The Hammer for nothing.

LOL

And that’s when it happened.

I glanced at his profile and saw “Separated” as his marital status.

As in STILL FUCKING MARRIED!

Jesus F. Christ!

Nevermind.

What NOT to do when SPEED Dating

So Barbara went speed dating.

Women were invited to attend free.

Perhaps it’s easier to get men to sign up than it is to get women to sign up for these things.

I was wondering why she didn’t invite me to join in the, ahem, fun when I remembered that I’m an ENTIRE DECADE OLDER than Barbara.

So I COULDN’T ATTEND.

Why throw in a non-breeder with all those breeders.

It’s not like I’m going to have kids with a 30 year old.

Been there and DONE THAT.

PAYING FOR COLLEGE FOR IT, actually.

Yesterday at a Galentine’s Tea, the ladies asked Barbara about it.

Her experience much mirrored my own experience speed dating:

  • Five minutes can be a REALLY LONG TIME if there’s no connection.
  • In the end, all you need is ONE. But it feels like a FUCKING NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK!

So just to remind you all of my speed dating disaster, here is what I wrote back in September 2014 when I lost my mind and decided speed dating was a good idea:

 

What shouldn’t you do when speed dating? Speed date. Full stop.

Just. Don’t. Do. It.

Let me save you the trouble and paint a picture of my speed dating debacle.

The evening started off nice enough with me getting stopped on the streets of downtown San Jose by a random man who wanted to tell me I looked beautiful. Awwww.

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 I arrived at the restaurant feeling confident. I was 30 minutes early so I decided to order one of their signature cocktails.

Bartender can’t make it. No grapefruit.

So I order a Sazerac – only the OLDEST cocktail in history.

Bartender can’t make that either.

Fine! I had an old fashioned.

I sipped on my cocktail, sulking a bit. Unimpressed with the bartender.

People started arriving for the event. I was eating a nice bloody rare steak I’d been craving when I was interrupted by the event hosts. Time to go!

Shit! No time to pee or brush my teeth after eating all that garlic and jalapenos at dinner. Oh well. Faux pas.

And did it matter?

Not one bit.

What happened next is what I like to call the “Parade of Trolls.” My dates were all fat, short, and even rude on several occasions.

They’d been rode hard and put away wet.

Oh, and did I mention that because I didn’t get a chance to pee I accidentally peeped my pants? Just a skosh.

Yeah, I was a real winner too.

Let me just say right now if I’m going to wear a too tight bra, I’d better be rewarded at the end of it. There was no reward here.

My only reward was my freedom. The joy of running out the restaurant door straight to my car to head home and purge the last two hours from my memory.

This whole experience has soured me to the entire dating world. There’s nothing I want less right now than another fucking first date.

Gah! Fucking speed dating!

I’m going to sit at home, eat cheese, and drink martinis while watching episodes of “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

Speed date? I’d rather chew on tinfoil while shaving my head with a cheese grater!

Ringing in the New Year

img_0831This year I decided to celebrate the passing of 2016 and the arrival of 2017 with  my friend Barbara.  I was invited to a black tie affair at a friend’s home nearby and Barbara was my “plus one.”

Barbara hashtagged our Facebook photos with:

  • #whenyourfriendsaremorefunthanadate
  • #someonemistakedusforthedoubleminttwins
  • #hadtotellhimthatwewerentrelated
  • #hedidntbelieveme

Yes indeed, it appears that most people think Barbara and I are somehow related.  I take this as a compliment because I think Barbara is an exquisitely beautiful person, inside and out.

Here are some photos from New Year’s Eve.  As you can see we had a lot of fun with Snapchat and Messenger filters:

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Buh-bye 2016, Hello 2017!

Last year I went to a HUGE house party for NYE.  I’d say there were somewhere between 100 to 200 people in attendance.

It was really a magnificent event and I had a great time with my date.

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I believe I drank my weight in champagne but managed to keep a lid on things.

No, I didn’t disgrace myself until the Dr. Seuss party where I drank too much rum and spewed vomit all over his car pulled over on the side of the road.

My bad!

See if I ever let anyone make my drink again without me watching!

Anyhow, this year I’m going to the same house party.

This time with the beautiful Barbara as my date.

Yes, nothing like bringing your BFF to a party to ensure that you have a GREAT time!

Of course, there will be no NYE kiss for me this year (sad face) but I might be able to scrounge up a partner or two to lay one on me.

And here, I’m debuting my outfit for NYE – a lovely rose gold sequin gown with matching accessories!nye-outfit

Yay!  Totally gorgeous!

Buh-bye 2016, HELLO 2017!

 

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THE INNER SANCTUM

barbara1I “inherited” my friendship with Barbara from my (now defunct) friendship with Danielle.

We met at a Curvy Girl anniversary party.

I remember Barbara was wearing a skull and crossbones corset that looked AMAZING.

barbara-corsetWe both got henna tattoos and waved our arms in the air like we don’t care, just drying our henna tattoos.

When my friendship with Danielle broke down, I assumed that Barbara would go away too.

But she didn’t.

She stayed.

Barbara and I look like sisters. Even MY OWN FATHER mistakes Barbara for me.

She may be a decade younger than me, but in sense and sensibility, she is a decade more advanced than I.

I aspire to be more like her.

Barbara is also a mystic.

She has the awesome power to observe relationships and predict their outcome based on her SUPERIOR POWERS OF ANALYSIS.

And she has no room for flakes.

I introduced her to my friend Brandon who is a pretty cool black man living in the City.

When he flaked on calling her back for a week, Barbara wrote him off.

DESPITE the fact that she had liked him.

Because Barbara is strong like that.

I am, of course, weak.

So I need someone like Barbara in my life to remind me that when flakiness happens to me, it’s a result of mediocre interest, not busy schedules.

 

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That is why, I’m proud to announce that Barbara has now been accepted into THE INNER SANCTUM.

And what is THE INNER SANCTUM, you wonder?

It’s a small yet elite group of women who enrich my life such that I am devoted to their own happiness and well being.

THE INNER SANCTUM has the power to veto relationships in my life.

Now, men who want to date me need the approval of:

  • My sister Lisa
  • My friend Michelle
  • My cousin Jennifer
  • My friend Barbara

I heart THE INNER SANCTUM. Those women always see the best in me and insist that I find a man who sees the same.

Needless to say, we’re still working on that.

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Good (and Bad) Places to Meet Men

michelleMost of my friends are married or have boyfriends.

It sort of leaves me swaying in the breeze when it comes to activities I can do to meet men.

I don’t necessarily want to hang out by myself waiting for an appropriate man to come by.

That is why I am so stoked that my friend Barbara is single.

Not only is she single, she’s also BEAUTIFUL!

We look like sisters , we’ve been told many times.

Best of all, she and I have TOTALLY different types of men that we like.

So there’s no competition.

So, without further adieu – a list of good places to meet men, with a few bad places thrown in just for entertainment:

  1. The DMV – oh hell no! I’m not going to hang around the DMV in order to meet men. Pass!
  2. The Driving Range – I’ve always wanted to learn to play golf. It’d be fun to take Barbara and hit a few balls while scoping out the men at the range.
  3. Improv classes – Sounds like fun AND a good way to meet single men. And a great way to present for “funny!”
  4. Dog Parks – hey! I have a dog! What not take her and Barbara to the park – you know, the one next to the basketball courts. Shirts versus skins!
  5. Sporting events – Barbara and I already go to see the Giants (1x/month) and the 49ers (1x/season). Men are prolific there. Too bad I never seem to meet any of them. But that could change.
  6. Bar crawls – have you noticed that as the bar crawl progresses, the men get friendlier and friendlier? GREAT place to meet (drunk) men.
  7. Crossfit – okay, no on this one. I would never meet a guy a crossfit. That implies that I like working out and that is a big N – O.
  8. The Car Wash – I can see how this COULD be a good place to meet men, however you’d have to hang out for a while to really reap any rewards. I’m not sure I want to grab Barbara and hang out at Classic Car Wash.
  9. Sports Bars – Sports = Men. ‘Nuff said.
  10. Photpgraphy Class – or any adult education class for that matter. I could probably talk Barbara into taking a class with me. Might be a good place to meet single men. Course they always ask if I can “pose” for them. . .
  11. Wineries – okay, in my estimation men come here in COUPLES but MAYBE you could meet a wine connoisseur there. Probably not too many prospects for Barbara though.
  12. Music & Art Festivals – Again, a place where couples seem to hang out, but COULD be a good place to meet single males as well. If nothing else, at least Barbara and I will be entertained.
  13. Religious Gatherings – well, I’m not religious, so this would be a total bust.
  14. Weddings – ah, if only more of my friends were getting married. Wedding are a GREAT place to meet men and I would TOTALLY take Barbara as my plus one!
  15. The Shooting Range – I’ve always wanted to learn to shoot a gun. Bonus that there’s men around where you do that.
  16. Meetup Groups – I once went to a meetup group with a date, got pulled aside by another man, and asked out. Meetup groups are great for meeting men. If only I could find the right meet up group – fishing, hiking, sailing, etc.
  17. Happy Hour – This is great because Barbara and I LOVE happy hour. Lots of busy professionals blowing off some steam. I’d like the lumberjack special and Barbara will take a side of tall, dark, and handsome.
  18. Trivia Night – Now THIS would be totally fun. Team up with Barbara and some guys and see how smart we all are. Perfect!
  19. The Cigar Bar – Ugh. No thanks. I don’t want to sit in a nasty, smoky bar waiting for some balding, insurance salesman who smells like whiskey to hit on me. Pass!

 

Happy Mother’s Day!

familyFor me, Mother’s Day has always represented the importance of women in my life.

For 22 years of my life, I celebrated it with two women – my mom Alice and my grandma.

Then, when I was 22, I met my birthfamily and suddenly, I was celebrating Mother’s Day with my birthmother, Grammy (my great-grandmother), and my stepmom.

There were times when I also celebrated Mother’s Day with my Aunt Xondra and my sister Lisa.

And when my sons were born, suddenly there were Mother’s Day and GRANDMOTHER’S DAY cards and presents to buy.

I used to laugh at the checkout stand, holding a handful of Mother’s Day cards, wondering if the cashier thought I was nuts to be buying upwards of a dozen Mother’s Day cards.

Of course, Grammy has since passed away. And my 90 year old grandmother is now living in an assisted care home. I don’t see my birthmother as much as I should. And I probably take my own mother for granted most of the time.

The other day, my friend Barbara posted on Facebook how she got misty talking about Mother’s Day to the three year old she nannies.

You see Barbara’s own mother passed away a few years ago.

And then I realized HOW INCREDIBLE LUCKY I AM TO HAVE SO MANY WONDERFUL WOMEN FIGURES IN MY LIFE.

  • My mom
  • My grandma
  • My birthmom
  • My sister
  • Barbara
  • Michelle
  • My cousin
  • My aunt
  • My sister-in-law

I may have gone a little overboard buying flowers and gifts for people.

I bought the rights to the family photos I took 2 weeks ago with my boys so best of all, I have my own family photos to share.

There’s a word for what I am. . .

BLESSED!

Happy Holi 2016!

Every year, for the past 7 years, I have taken my boys to Holi at Stanford. Holi is an Indian festival of spring – celebrated with music, dancing, food, and the omnipresent flinging of “colors” on people while saying “Happy Holi!”

Colors are food-grade powdered paint which are usually tinted green, orange, pink, and yellow.

You grab a handful and throw it on your friends and family while trying to duck their throws.

For years, my boys enjoyed slamming me in the face with color.

holi-boysWhen Stanford allowed water at Holi (pre California drought), they doused me with water and actually turned my hair a nice Easter egg yellow that cost $200 and an appointment with a very talented hair stylist.

Lately though my boys are “too old” to go to Holi, which is to say that they’d prefer to hang out with their friends playing video games than going with their mom to an open field to run in circles throwing paint on one another.

Sigh. Welcome to teenagerhood.

Last year I talked Tejas into going to Holi with me:

But this year, I got Barbara, Michelle, and Kari to all go with me to Holi AND WE HAD A BLAST!

The music was amazing.

The food was spectacular.

And the colors were FLYING!

I took a few shots straight to the face, as evidenced by this photo of me with a full green face (Kari, Barbara, and Michelle are painted pretty good themselves).

holi-groupI hope I get to keep doing Holi and that my friends continue to do it with me.

It’s an AMAZING GOOD TIME!

Like a color run, but WITHOUT ANY RUNNING!

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Barbara + The 49ers = a great day!

Barbara took me to the 49ers-Bengals football game a few weeks ago for her birthday.  We had AWESOME seats!

IMG_8558I love Barbara for many reasons but the biggest one is that she was gracious enough to not laugh too hard at me when I admitted to her halfway through the game that up until that point I thought all the people wearing orange and black were supporting the Giants baseball team, not the Bengals.

Oops!

My favorite part of the whole game (which the Niners lost), was when Joe Montana took to the field at halftime with his 1981 teammates carrying the trophy and marched to the endzone, symbolizing his remarkable 92 yard drive in the 1981 NFC Championship game.

It just gave me shivers to see him in person.  I remember watching him as a child on my parents’ bedroom floor.  No one could win a game in the last 30 seconds like he could!

IMG_8561In the end, even though it was a cold day (the rain held off thankfully), and my attempts to get Barbara-the-birthday-girl drunk didn’t pan out the way I wanted them to (she paced herself), AND the Niners lost, it was a great day all in all.

Nothing quite like hanging with my girl at Levi’s stadium, in the cold, watching our team fight on the field.

Go Niners!

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Girlfriends

MichelleOk yes.

The Israeli is gone and I’m back to square one in the dating arena.

But I have to tell you, life isn’t bad at all right now, despite what happened.

And there’s one very big reason why.

It’s because I have the BEST GIRLFRIENDS IN THE WORLD.

It’s true.

Your life could be sliding to hell in a hand basket but as long as you’ve got girlfriends to see you through, things aren’t all that bad.

My friend Michelle takes me to the drive in movie theaters when the weather is better and we watch scary movies with the top down on her Mini, eating popcorn while hunkering down under blankets.

My friend Barbara goes with me to The Table for brunch on the weekends then goes to Glow Candle Lounge so that we can make candles together and shoot the breeze.

My friends Marina and Cynthia are my temptress friends, always inviting me to get out and have fun with them – which usually means heavy flirting with mostly inappropriate men. Oh, the fun!

And there is my cousin Jennifer, who may not be around all the time, but certainly manages to make me forget all my troubles when I’m around her and just have an enjoyable time.

Having a boyfriend is not the end-all-be-all to having a happy life. The longer I am single, the more I realize how incidental it is.

But my girlfriends, now THEY ARE ESSENTIAL!