Chain reaction

The thing about putting together outfits for Burning Man is that one thing leads to another and before you know it, your $75 outfit suddenly costs $500.

First I buy a white open mesh bodysuit (undergarments not included) because I like it and it’ll strike a nice balance in my mostly black wardrobe.

Then I realize that I’ll be COMPLETELY naked under the bodysuit unless I buy something for it.

So I buy an iconic white string bikini.

Something every woman should have, if you ask me.

Then I realize I’m going to need a little coverage in all that sun, wearing only a bikini and a transparent bodysuit, so I purchase a white lace duster (aka beach cover up) to give me a little protection from the sun’s rays.

And in the process, I come across a really cool black kimono with a mandala design on the back which I simply MUST HAVE.

Then of course, I need to accessorize.

I have a white floral crown that was gifted to me by a bride at Burning Man 2017.

It lights up!

Some sort of necklaces and bracelets need to go with it, but I’m saving that splurge for later.

The MOST IMPORTANT accessory that’s needed when wearing swimsuits, in the wise words of my friend Dazzle! is a TAN!

Yes folks, I need a tan to pull off an all white outfit at the burn.

I daren’t lay in the tanning beds and get a real one lest I wind up with skin cancer.

So it looks like I’ll be hitting the spray tan salon again.

Get naked in front of a stranger and let them mist me brown.

So you know, when I calculate out the final cost of the outfit, it’s way more than the $75 I imagined I’d be spending.

It’s a chain reaction.

Much bigger balls

All right.

My gold bikini arrived in the mail yesterday and I was eager to put it on and see what I looked like.

I don’t know what I was expecting. Perhaps to look a little more like the model in the advertisement and a little less like, well, me.

bikiniSo I slipped it on and first impressions were:

  • Oh God, no!
  • Jesus, I look like a whale!
  • What happened to my body?
  • I DEFINITELY do not have a bikini body!
  • Oh, my wretched body.
  • And so on and so forth.

Suffice to say that I was not impressed by me in a bikini.

Maybe if I had a tan or something, I’d look better. . .

But no, it’s me. I look AWFUL.

So I promised I was going to post a picture of me in this bikini online.

That was before I looked at myself in a bikini.

Nevertheless, I keep my promises so here you go. . . me in a gold bikini.

gold bikiniOkay, sure, it’s just the top half, but there’s basically no way to fuck up my cleavage so I’m comfortable posting this online.

It would take MUCH BIGGER BALLS THAN I’VE GOT to post a full length photo.

Much bigger balls.

Mom bod in a bikini

Wearing a bathing suit is a pretty traumatic experience for me, and I’m sure it is for many women out there.

I’ve adopted a sure fire method of coping with all the thoughts going through my head when I’m in a swimsuit – I FAKE IT.

There’s really nothing else to do, except miss out on all the fun and I’M NOT ABOUT TO LET THAT HAPPEN!

Which is why I’m so excited that there is a movement out there to put swimsuits on every body which are gorgeous and sexy and the antithesis of those ugly skirted one piece bathing suits which used to be reserved for “fat chicks.”

I went a little nuts at swimsuitsforall.com and bought three bathing suits – a black strappy one piece and two bikinis.

Check out the one piece. . .

suit1Now check out the bikinis. . .

bikini bikini

Aren’t they awesome!

Who wouldn’t feel sexy in a swimsuit like this?

My goal, this summer, is to take a picture of myself in these swimsuits and post them online (here and on Instagram) with the hashtag #myswimbody.

Of course I’ll have to silence all those negative voices in my head screaming “No one wants to see your thighs! What about your cellulite?!   And your belly? You need to lose weight!”

I look at the pictures of plus size women in bathing suits and think they’re beautiful.

Perhaps someone will look at my pics and think I’m beautiful too. . .

There exists a possibility.

Besides, why pass up an opportunity to embarrass my spawn?

I live for these moments.

Mom body in a bikini?

Perfect!

After the rain. . .

The power was out in my house so I was sitting on the couch talking with Krush via the light of a lantern.

I confessed to him that I’m really feeling rainbows as a theme for this Burning Man.

After the rain (my shitty 2015 burn) there is always some sun (a good 2016 burn, hopefully) to make a rainbow.

The imagery is not lost on me.

So I’ve bought a rainbow light up tutu:

etsy7And I own a rainbow jumpsuit:

 

And I just bought some rainbow aviator sunglasses:

sunglassesI wanted Krush’s opinion on which backpack to buy – a pale furry drawstring backpack or a bright, vibrant furry backpack.

 

rainbow5 rainbow1

He laughed at me.

I’m not sure if he was laughing at the idea of me wearing rainbows or the absurdity of our dimly lit conversation.

But he selected the vibrant backpack. And so I bought it.

Trust me, I plan to wear regular clothes at Burning Man. And I plan to wear some other costumes at Burning Man.

But for me, the light at the end of my crappy 2015 tunnel is creating rainbows.

So I’m going to wear them.

And here’s some other stuff I’ve been eyeballing:

rainbow9 rainbow8
rainbow7 rainbow6
rainbow4 rainbow3

 

I’m starting to get it

It may take a little while, but eventually I figure stuff out.

Like my epiphany today where I realized that all my wardrobe planning was for naught BECAUSE I’LL PROBABLY SPEND ALL MY TIME IN JEAN SHORTS AND A BIKINI TOP.

Really.

Just realized that.

Could have saved myself hundreds of dollars if I’d only realized it sooner.

I have a royal blue bikini (below):

 

And a black fringed cut-out swimsuit (below):

Perhaps all I really need is my bikini, my swimsuit, a pair of shorts and a sarong.

God, could it BE that simple?

Think of the hours I wasted trying to find the perfect boho dress that appropriately communicates my adventurousness while simultaneously covering up my “problem areas.”

In the end, I’ll probably just relax and go with what’s easy and all the body paint, circlets, and dresses will go by the wayside and I will simply be me.

I will simply be me. In the desert. All covered in dust. That’s where it will happen.

Self-acceptance.

Or more frustration, whichever comes first.

Total bust

efftheboysDate 1: Scorpio. Emotional in a sad way. I wanted to hand him a tissue. Great lips when he kisses. Bad tongue.

Date 2: Leo. Wanted to fight with him the entire time he was so irritating. And then….. and then he asked me to take a “nap” with him. Delete!

Date 3: Couldn’t even bring myself to go out with him, I was so irritated from my last date. So I spent the day at a party where every single woman there was in a bikini and had a smaller butt than mine.

So to recap, the weekend was an entire waste and I have an enormous butt!

WHAT was I THINKING!?

In retrospect, buying a groupon for a boudoir photography session might not have been my brightest idea.

Exhibit A: The groupon may have only cost $59 but hair by Erin and makeup by Kimberly will run a cool $200. Well worth it, but note…

Exhibit B: What happens when a lingerie addict (think 8 drawers, not including costumes or the “naughty” outfits) gets an excuse to buy new lingerie? SHE BUYS NEW LINGERIE!

That’s right, I just bought 14 new outfits. I’m not even sure I’m wearing them all but I want to have some backups.

So here’s your chance to vote for what I wear at my lingerie fashion show… I mean boudoir photo shoot. Pick as many as you like. Scroll down for poll.

49ers outfit

49ers outfit

Men's shirt outfit

Men’s shirt outfit

Turquoise babydoll #1

Turquoise babydoll #1

Turquoise babydoll #2

Turquoise babydoll #2

Black lace teddy

Black lace teddy

image

Black vinyl triangle bikini

Red bustier

Red bustier

Black chemise

Black chemise

Scary black vinyl merrywidow

Scary black vinyl merrywidow

Pink chemise

Pink chemise

Black ruffle teddy

Black ruffle teddy

Melon lingerie set

Melon lingerie set

Red babydoll

Red babydoll

Black leather corset and skirt

Black leather corset and skirt

And add to the cost of this escapade, the cost of hosiery, jewelry, and shoes… because a girl has got to be properly accessorize when taking her clothes off.  I’m talking thigh highs, fishnet stockings, pearls, jewels, and come-eff-me heels.

Ahhhh…. this “little” adventure is going to cost a mint! Hope I love the results!