I went to Burning Man and all I got was this FUCKING BABY!*

DO NOT GO TO BURNING MAN WHEN YOU ARE OVULATING AND EXPECT TO SEE ART.

No.

Instead of seeing art, you will spend an inordinate amount of time on your back trying uselessly to impregnate yourself.

I say “USELESSLY” because we all know how important it is to use condoms when one is engaging in CASUAL SEX without any other form of birth control.

I am not on birth control for one reason: it takes the THREAT OF AN 18 YEAR COMMITMENT to make me INSIST on using condoms.

I RARELY fudge it.

But fudge it I do sometimes.

Which is why I can say with a little shock and dismay. . .

. . .I’m late.

Way late.

The WHOLE reason I am writing this post is because I AM SURE THAT IF I POST IT, I WILL NOT BE PREGNANT.

It’s the whole Murphy’s Law thing and me, again.

If I write it, it won’t come to fruition.

If I don’t write it, it will.

THE LAST FUCKING THING I WANT IN THIS UNIVERSE is to be a 43 year old pregnant woman.

Or, God forbid, to have gotten pregnant at Burning Man.

I went to Burning Man and all I got was this FUCKING BABY!*

‘Nuff said.

 

*I’m DEFINITELY NOT PREGNANT.  Still no period, though. Perimenopause SUCKS the BIG ONE!

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Birth Control

I am not a big fan of birth control.

Ever since I got a depo shot and proceeded to cry for the next three months, I’m loathe to alter my hormones.

It was such a horrific experience, it traumatized not only me but my ex-husband who agreed to use condoms for birth control for the rest of our marriage (10 years).

Perhaps this is why he got me pregnant five times. . .

I may not be a fan of birth control, but I’m even less of a fan of unwanted pregnancies, so needless to say I usually have some form of birth control on me.

The nice thing about going through a real hormonal cycle is getting to enjoy your hormones when you ovulate.

It’s seriously the one reason why my ex-husband didn’t complain about using condoms.

For one week out of the month, I was literally GAGGING for it.

He worked the swing shift and I would call him up and beg him to come home and “take care of business.”

I couldn’t get enough.

Now that I’m single, it’s s double-edged sword.

On the one hand, I get to enjoy the ride.

On the other hand, there’s no one coming home to me to “take care of business.”

I also have to be careful because I date men of a certain age who don’t like to wear condoms.

I politely explain that I’m not on birth control and how do they feel about an 18-year financial commitment?

It forces them to slip one on.

The irony is that I HATE condoms.

But since I hate condoms less than I hate unwanted pregnancy, I a compelled to use them.

And voila!

No babies. No STIs.

Two birds. One stone.

Pull-out

MichelleSince when did the pull-out method become a popular form of birth control for 40+ year old men?

Lately, I’ve run into a smattering of them – The Israeli, The Hunk, Nathan. . .

I politely suggest condoms and they counter with their own pull-out method of birth control.

Am I the only one who feels like this is playing with fire, using a loaded gun in a game of roulette?

I know some people hate condoms. I’m not a big fan myself.

But you know what I’m less of a fan of?

Having an unanticipated baby or needing to get an abortion.

Yes, THAT’S what I’m trying to avoid when I hand over a condom and suggest my partner slip it on.

I know.

I’m 42 years old.

The chances of me getting pregnant are slim to unimaginable.

But seeing as how I’ve ALREADY been pregnant 6 times, I think it’s safe to say that if there’s a possibility it could happen then THERE’S A POSSIBILITY IT COULD HAPPEN.

I come from fertile stock (hi Mom!).

Oh sure, I could go on the pill or use the ring.

But I like my hormones.

And if you date me, then you discover how much YOU like my hormones too.

They make for a wild and crazy ride through Hornytown.

Plus, I was on birth control from my teen years through my late 30s. I think it’s time someone else took the initiative and managed the birth control.

Don’t be silly.

Wrap that willy!

Goodbye Israeli

IMG_8498The big news for 2016 is that The Israeli is gone.

I’d like to tell you that I know why.   He just up and stopped calling and texting which in my book means “he’s not that into me” so I just let him go by the wayside.

I do have to admit though, I am a little perturbed that he chose to go silent instead of having an adult conversation about it. After all, I did go out and get birth control so that we wouldn’t have to rely solely on his “pull out” method of birth control to keep me from getting knocked up.

And I liked him.

Sigh.

I’m feeling frustrated all over again and am debating on going on a dating moratorium for a few weeks to clear out my system.

I’m just feeling like I’m not that into men right now.

Can you blame me?

Honestly, I’m wishing I was a lesbian.

Sigh.

The one where she rants about condoms

hairPulling out is not an approved form of birth control.

Just so you know.

I’ve run into several men lately who think it is and that condoms are unnecessary.

To them I have this to say:

If I hand you a condom, PUT IT ON!

It is not OPTIONAL.

It is MANDATORY!

Sometimes I don’t see everything that’s going on IN THAT AREA.

Particularly, if I’m facing in another direction.

That doesn’t mean you can SNEAK IT IN WITHOUT A CONDOM!

Not at all.

It’s disrespectful and frightening to have my wishes ignored in the bedroom and I will certainly not revisit our romp again if you fail to obey my directions.

I’m not going to be “accidentally” pregnant at 42 years old, just so you know.

So there you have it.

Rant over.

Strange things women do

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Sometimes, if I’m going out on a hot date and I really want to behave myself, I don’t shave my legs.

Basically, I know that if I’m going to get down and dirty, I want to do it with a pair of nice, smooth, moisturized, freshly shaved legs. It’s a funny quirk I think most women have. At least in the beginning.

I’ve also considered taking a sharpie and writing something awful on my abdomen:

“Fatty”
“Whore”
“I eat toenails”

Basically something so embarrassing I would refuse to take off my clothes.

I’ve never done it however because the shaving trick pretty much gets the job done.

However, my BEST form of birth control is a floor length red wool coat. No one has been able to penetrate that coat yet. Even when I tell them it’s my preferred method of birth control. No one gets past that sucker.

I can’t be the only girl who does this.

So the moral of the story is this…. Guys, if you want to know if you’re going to get laid tonight, reach down and touch her leg. If it’s hairy the chances are you’re not getting any, if it’s smooth, then ALL SAIL AHEAD FULL!

Thank God

Dear God,

Thank you for birth control. I’m pretty certain without it I would be a cranky old hag with tits on her knees and 2 dozen kids. The desire to buy sexy lingerie and costumes is strong within me. And when I’m with a man who desires to rip it off me in 10 seconds while I laugh and try desperately to keep it on for another 30 seconds, that is a recipe for babymaking.

vs1 vs2

And I really want to avoid the baby part of that equation.

So thanks for the homonal regulation and for making it possible for me to go near a penis.

Most devotedly yours,

Michelle

P.S. I’m not sure why I was able to walk 13.1 miles with minimal discomfort in the past and then got two huge blisters when I walked the dog a mile today. You certainly do work in mysterious ways.

Birth control!!!

72084bf4937cd6d775193a5a0fbc745aI need birth control. And LOTS of it!

I took one look at his big bare chest and his sexy smile and realized I was in deep.

His wolverine swimmers could find a way to impregnate me if you drove them in circles, dropped them off in the Australian Outback in a teaspoon of water surrounded by saltwater crocodiles and challenged them to find my egg.

They should hang a large warning sign around his waist that says, “For God’s sake woman, proceed only with extreme caution and an overabundance of birthcontrol!”

Something’s amiss

Something is amiss. I’ve almost passed out twice today. TWICE!

How very unusual. Usually it takes several strong cocktails to make me dizzy and pass out. But today, all it took was a cup of green tea.

You should’ve been there. I was in a meeting with my friends when I suddenly gripped the table and looked at them with a startled expression.

“What’s wrong Michelle?” from Amy 1.

“We’re not having an earthquake. Do you feel like we’re having an earthquake?” from Amy 2.

Me: No. I just got vertigo for a second there and thought I was going to pass out.

Kate: Maybe you’re pregnant [evil grin].

Me: Ok, sure. Except for the fact that I use birth control with a spermicide AND there’s this invisible tatoo across my hips that SAYS “FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!”