Cheeky blogging

I’m always fascinated to see what kind of search terms people put in to Google or Yahoo when they surf into my site.

Here are a few search terms I came across today:

1. Rubbed My Butt Massage Naked Spa Blog

2. Boys wearing sissy panties

3. Massage ass woman vedio (nice spelling of video, eh? I had to resist the urge to pick up a red pen and write “F” on my computer screen)

4. Proper doggie style technique (can you actually mess up this position? Enough that you would google “proper technique” to educate yourself? Here’s a tip – hold on to her and keep your head away from the headboard.)

5. Indoctrinated foot fetish

And, get this….

6. Nude buldging camel toe (AGAIN with the freaky spelling!)

So in celebration of managing to say one thing and get content crawled into something TOTALLY different (all except for the 1-10 Brazilian Wax search, that one I deserve wholeheartedly)…

…I’ve decided to post a ginormous picture of my ass as a banner.

Live it., Breathe it.Download it.

banner-f

Blogging

write2-copyIt’s funny.

At least *I* think it’s funny.

You see, I’m a blogger so everything I experience is an opportunity to write something about it:

  • Kissing ex boyfriends in RVs at SoulFire.
  • Taking a dip in the hot tubs with men of questionable repute.
  • Peeing my pants in a onesie costume because I couldn’t get it off in time.

It’s all fodder for the blog. Even the stuff that makes me look like a nut case.

Sometimes I wonder how my friends and family REALLY feel about this blog.

Oh, of course to my face they like it and encourage me to write.

But really, deep down, how do they feel about being WRITTEN ABOUT and READING THE INTIMATE DETAILS OF MY LIFE.

There’s a saying among us writers:

If a writer falls in love with you, you never die.

write1There’s another saying though and it goes something like this:

Don’t piss off a writer. We’ll DESCRIBE you.

IMG_9378

I just want to publicly thank all my friends and family who put up with me and this tacky blog – whether I’ve given you a nickname or not.

Every time I write about my friends and family, I do it with love and respect and of course a HUGE dose of courage that they’ll be okay with what I write.

Thanks to them for putting up with me.

It takes a good sense of humor.

It’s hard to date a blogger

It’s hard to date a blogger.

ESPECIALLY one as transparent as I am.

EVERYTHING goes on the internet:

You will usually find me blogging about whatever is on my mind from the men who capture my fancy, like The Swede; to past lovers who I remember fondly, like Jay and Charlie The Aussie; to men I fantasize about but can never have, like Alexander Skarsgård and Joe Manganiello.

IMG_9379I’d like to think I’m more of a lover than a hater. Unfortunately, the hate tends to be funnier than the love, like when The Hunk had an epic skill/equipment failure in bed with me.

IMG_9378I’ve been advised that the reason I’m single is because of this blog.

That might be true but I can’t help but feel like deep down, my blog will actually draw in the right man for me.

Imagine how nice it’d be to have all your experiences and secrets in one place where a person can read about them.

My thoughts. My hopes. My frustrations.

If a man can get through my blog posts AND STILL be interested in me, then he passed the test.

And the thing is, PLENTY of men like this blog and read it.

So there’s hope.

There’s a reason this blog is called unblunder…

Because everything seems wrong at first until it suddenly turns beautifully, epically RIGHT!

Am I a writer?

Am I a writer?

That’s a good question.

I certainly sit at the computer and type words into sentences on the screen.

But does that make me a writer?

I have a friend who is a published poet.

She writes amazing things that make me catch my breath and pause a moment in awareness that she has struck some significant sympathetic chord in me.

What do I write?

Blurbs about my life, dating, and the adventures that my life brings to me.

Occasionally, I SHOUT.

I’ve never really thought of myself as a writer.

Except that I am.

There’s more truth on the pages of unblunder than there is in the pages of an encyclopedia.

And occasionally there’s more depth – as evidenced by me admitting to experimenting with fringe sexual practices and chronicling my (mis) adventures, especially in dating.

Someday I may write a book.

But right now, I’m going to focus on this blog which is a guilty pleasure for many.

I’m trying to make sense of this world and my place in it.

Heaven knows I don’t have all the answers.

Do you?

hemingway

Is it me?

michelleSo.

There’s this blogger.

He’s a Brit with a rather interesting blog that I just checked out the other day.

If you get a chance, hit it up at The Entertainment Patrol.

I know very little about David except that:

  1. He comments on my blog.
  2. He doesn’t like smoking.
  3. He has an interesting affection for rhinos and sharks.
  4. He has a crush on another WordPress blogger.

That is the sum total of everything I know about him.

The good news is I can read his blog and learn more.

The bad news is I can read his blog and learn more.

You never know what you’re going to find out when you read someone’s personal blog. And since his seems to keep his blog more anonymous than mine, it could be A LOT MORE PERSONAL than unblunder.

What does a person say when there’s no accountability?

Well, as it turns out, his blog seems to be a platform for animal rights. Or at least a place for him to express his support of humans helping animals and not eradicating them from the face of the earth for all eternity.

It’s at times like this that I feel a little sheepish about my own lighthearted blog.

I mean, talking about boobs, lingerie, and facials does nothing to actually improve the world and actually sucks up a fraction of life while I write posts on those subjects and you read them.

There’s 1 minute of your life you’ll never recover.

Nevertheless, I stand by my blog for what it is:

Frivolous entertainment that stimulates your funny bone.

Bone, being the operative word here.

Ha!

In any case, part of me wants to read more of his blog and part of me doesn’t.

What’s the use in liking a (younger) man who lives across the pond?

That is the crucial question.

But of course, it does bring up another question. . .

. . . Exactly WHO is this WordPress blogger he has a crush on?

Save

When you blog

write2-copyIt’s funny.

At least *I* think it’s funny.

You see, I’m a blogger so everything I experience is an opportunity to write something about it:

  • Kissing ex boyfriends in RVs at SoulFire.
  • Taking a dip in the hot tubs with men of questionable repute.
  • Peeing my pants in a onesie costume because I couldn’t get it off in time.
  • Puking down the side of Krunch’s car post-party.

It’s all fodder for the blog. Even the stuff that makes me look like a nut case.

Sometimes I wonder how my friends and family REALLY feel about this blog.

Oh, of course to my face they like it and encourage me to write.

But really, deep down, how do they feel about being WRITTEN ABOUT and READING THE INTIMATE DETAILS OF MY LIFE.

There’s a saying among us writers:

If a writer falls in love with you, you never die.

write1There’s another saying though and it goes something like this:

Don’t piss off a writer. We’ll DESCRIBE you.

IMG_9378Truthfully, I don’t get mad very often so there’s infrequent roasting of people on my blog.

[Sorry, mom. Don’t read this part.]

The last good roast was The Israeli who liked facials but got it in my eye and all over my hair thereby pissing me off.

I had SPECIFICALLY TOLD HIM NOT TO GET IT IN MY HAIR!

Turns out, there are some sexual activities I don’t like.

And some Israelis.

But ENOUGH about him.

I just want to publically thank all my friends and family who put up with me and this tacky blog – whether I’ve given you a nickname or not.

Every time I write about my friends and family, I do it with love and respect and of course a HUGE dose of courage that they’ll be okay with what I write.

Thanks to them for putting up with me.

It takes a huge amount of humor.

Save

Save

Some people don’t like this blog

Some people don’t like this blog.

They think it’s trashy and vulgar. . .

To which I say:

OF COURSE IT’S TRASHY AND VULGAR.

It is, by and large, escapist writing for me.

Try to remember the details of my life:

I live with my blind father, my mother who has a heart condition, and two teenage sons who BARELY speak to me.

I’m in need of some lightheartedness and escapism.

So pardon my lack of substance on my blog.

This blog isn’t for everyone.

It was never meant to be a one-size-fits-all blog.

I have found over the years some people gravitate toward my sense of humor while others are put off by it.

And that’s okay.

But I do get compliments on my blog all the time.

The most frequent one I hear is that reading my blog is a guilty pleasure.

Which I LOVE!

So let the weirdos, freaks, geeks, and oddballs enjoy this blog while the mainstream, vanilla, bored and boring trolls criticize unblunder.

I happen to love it.

And that’s all that matters.

people

Am I a Neanderthal?

My BFF sat me down and had a good talk with me the other day.

She was talking about my blog.

Specifically, how I’m a much better person than the way I portray myself in my posts…

…and how I will never meet a quality guy as long as I’m posting similar content to my blog.

Hard, but necessary words to hear.

I love this blog. For the most part it takes a not-so-serious look at my life and finds a way to laugh at it, when there isn’t always a whole lot to laugh about.

If I make fun of anyone, it’s mostly myself.

But the conversation did get me thinking about my blog posts… most of which seem to revolve around sex.

Like it or not, the blog posts my audience reads are the sex posts. Either the sex posts or the ones that have cleavage shots in them.

But since my blog is terribly sexual, I started to wonder… am I as bad as the men I date?  Am I a Neanderthal?

Uh. Men. Uh. Sex. Uh. Boobs. Uh. Uh. Uh. Grunt.

I always figured that people who get to know me would realize I’m not the cartoon I make myself out to be on the pages of unblunder.

But maybe I need to say it outright.

I am no Neanderthal.

I am eloquent and funny. I am generous and kind. I help people and I give great advice. I’m empathetic and thoughtful. I can pick out the perfect present for anyone given few personal details. I’m a great mom and an even better human being.  I can cheer you up if you’re sad. I love to see people smile. I’m bright and quick witted. I can laugh at myself. I have big hopes for myself. But most of all I love easily.

So maybe I’m not the caricature you read about on this blog. Maybe I’m more complex. Maybe I should stop catering with cleavage shots and sex posts.

Maybe I should stop acting like a Neanderthal and start acting like myself.

It’s hard to date a blogger

It’s hard to date a blogger.

ESPECIALLY one as transparent as I am.

EVERYTHING goes on the internet:

You will usually find me blogging about whatever is on my mind from the men who capture my fancy, like Nathan and Krunch; to past lovers who I remember fondly, like Jay and Charlie The Aussie; to men I fantasize about but can never have, like Alexander Skarsgård and Joe Manganiello.

IMG_9379I’d like to think I’m more of a lover than a hater. Unfortunately, the hate tends to be funnier than the love, like when The Hunk had an epic skill/equipment failure in bed with me.

IMG_9378I’ve been advised that the reason I’m single is because of this blog.

That might be true but I can’t help but feel like deep down, my blog will actually draw in the right man for me.

Imagine how nice it’d be to have all your experiences and secrets in one place where a person can read about them.

My thoughts. My hopes. My frustrations.

If a man can get through my blog posts AND STILL be interested in me, then he passed the test.

And the thing is, PLENTY of men like this blog and read it.

So there’s hope.

There’s a reason this blog is called unblunder…

Because everything seems wrong at first until it suddenly turns beautifully, epically RIGHT!

Facebook and I: A Love-Hate Relationship

1cc2a392f04977f341b9f99dc1add55dI’ve been thinking a lot about Facebook lately.  Ever since a “friend” suggested to my sister that my page be shut down because of my blogging (I think she was offended by my Beaver post).

The thought of losing Facebook worried me.  It’s how I found out my friend Simona was expecting…her third child… and her fourth.  It’s how I found out my FWB was out of the country in Brazil, not just ignoring my messages.  It’s why I invested in Movember for my friend Ari.  How would I keep in touch with all my friends without FB?

Well, maybe I’d do it the old-fashioned way… by picking up a phone and making a call.  Or by having a face-to-face get together.  But could I keep in touch with the 400 friends I have on Facebook?

Unlikely.  It would just have to be the chosen few.

On the up side, I wouldn’t have to get peppered with Miss Debbie-Downer’s constant stream of complaints.

“Oh my back!”

“Got a shot for my sciatica…”

And I wouldn’t have to read about Miss Bitter’s problems with men.

“Men are such jerks…”

“Posting ‘Survivor’ today because he’ll never get me down…”

Ah, thinly-veiled passive-aggressive references to our Facebook friends.  How we love them!

You know what goes up on Facebook?!  Drama and crap.  Sometimes dramatic crap.  We all know it and love it.  And we all indulge in it… like when my friend Jon got mauled by a bear it was ALL OVER FACEBOOK.  Worthy material, I’d say.  And no one is worse than me because I post the most crap to Facebook BECAUSE I POST THIS BLOG.

On the one hand, it keeps me honest.  On the other hand, I do censor myself.

Well, what do you expect?  My birthmother reads this blog (Hi Mom!).  She doesn’t need to hear ALL the down-and-dirty details of my crazy dating life.

But of course, you do.  And I assume at least some of my Facebook friends do as well.  So I’m just going to keep blogging to Facebook and hoping that some of my 400 friends “get me.”

And that’s ultimately what the purpose of Facebook is, at least in my life…. To promote what I find interesting, to laugh at what I find absurd, and to stay connected to the people who have passed through some chapter of my life and hold a piece of my history.