Juice

I’ve been waiting for the exact right moment to write a post titled Juice, after one of my favorite songs by Lizzo.

And now I can.

Because my JUICE is back.

I’ve been struggling to write blog posts lately, when usually they just come out of me as freely as shit comes out of a baby (and about as pleasant).

But ever since I got ghosted for a second time, I’ve been struggling to relight my inner fire.

I’ve been recycling posts and using my quilt hobby as a major contribution to my posts in the last few weeks.

But not anymore because the JUICE is back and it’s flowing baby!

Just in time for Halloween and my birthday.

It may have something to do with the fact that it’s officially been almost two months since I got ghosted and I’ve finally released the latent outrage I was feeling.

Or, it could have something to do with the fact that it’s just impossible to keep me quiet for any length of time.

OR. . .

. . . maybe it has to do with the hot tub date I had last week where I managed to really knock one out of the park with a really phenomenal. . . BAT!

But baseball analogies aside, I’m feeling good and I’m having a good time writing new blog posts for unblunder.

So thanks for sticking with me.

And in the immortal words of Lizzo:

If I’m shinin’, everybody gonna shine
I was born like this, don’t even gotta try
I’m like chardonnay, get better over time
Heard you say I’m not the baddest, bitch, you lied

I am one JUICY woman!

Burning Man 2019

It’s THAT time of year again!

The time when I pack up my belongings and head out to the Black Rock Desert in Nevada for Burning Man.

I won’t be able to post while I’m away so I’ve prearranged some blog posts from PREVIOUS burns to entertain while I’m away.

In the next 12 days you can read all about my Burning Man adventures, including getting there, Saunadome, lessons I’ve learned, men I’ve (ahem) “partied” with, cocksucking certifications, the trash fence, and half hard cocks.

That’s right, I said half hard cocks.

Regular posting will resume on September 4th and I hope you enjoy reading all about my latest adventures on the playa with my friends.

Until then I’m sending dusty hugs from Bombshell!

Sliding naked down a hot slide

I struggle with my blog posts quite a bit.

Should I write truthfully, changing names to protect people’s identity?

Or should I only write a version of the truth, putting a spin on things so that no one gets cross at me?

It’s a tough tightrope to walk.

On the one hand, I want to capture events as close to reality as possible.

On the other hand, sometimes people don’t behave as well as they should as the results are. . . well. . . entertaining.

The other day I wrote a password protected post.

In it, I described being intimate with an [ahem] well-endowed man with very little foreplay.

You can imagine the results.

I cross my legs just thinking about it.

What I left out was that I probably instigated the sex prematurely when I handed my partner a bottle of lube.

Not for sex, but for lubrication.

I was damp from the hot tub and he was dry.

Touching him was like trying to slide naked down a hot slide.

It was sticky so I grabbed lube!

I left out other key details as well.

So although I didn’t lie, the truth wasn’t captured completely, and the blog post made my date sound like a real jerk when the reality was he really was only trying to make me happy.

Who’s the jerk now?

In any case, I’ve decided that since I will continue to blog, I need to be as accurate as possible.

But I also anticipate that I will get in trouble again.

People just want to censor you when you mention them.

Par for the course in blogging.

Honestly, writers should come with a warning:

But also?

This:

Truth

I’m reminded once again of how important it is to tell the truth.

And how easy it is to bend it.

I told a story, loosely based on an experience I had and although I told some of the truth, I left out key details that altered the tone of the story.

Big mistake!

Always tell the truth.

I will acknowledge that sometimes the truth is hard.

But didn’t Hemingway say, “Write hard and clear about what hurts”?

Well, I didn’t and it’s come back to bite me in the ass.

I’ve discovered I’m terrible at withholding information.

Information that changes the nature of my interactions.

I’m not clear whether it’s because I have a fear of confrontation or because I just don’t feel empowered to be open and honest.

Either way, I’m sitting here thinking about truth and honesty and how dangerous it is to skirt the slippery slope of non-fiction writing.

And although we’re almost halfway through this year, I’ve resolved to spend less time blogging what isn’t 100% true and more time blogging what is.

And of course, being more vocal about my own thoughts and feelings, in situ.

Because withheld information ALWAYS has a way of coming to the surface and it’s better to deliver the truth yourself than through a password-protected blog post.

Inner voice

I’ve been blogging on unblunder for about 15 years.

First on my own without a platform, then on this WordPress site.

When the blog began, I was in Law School and the blog existed to write about all the things I was going to do to walk the straight and narrow.

Then I dropped out of Law School.

And instead of recording all the PERFECT things I was doing to turn my life into EXACTLY what was expected of me, I started to record all the crazy, fun, and imperfect moments of my life.

The adventures – like racing stock cars, running with the bulls, and going to Burning Man.

If you’ve met me in person, you know I’m fairly quiet.

I tend to be reserved until I am comfortable with the people I am with.

It takes time for me to adjust and I’m not ashamed to say I can be a little shy.

I observe, like any good writer, and I catalog all the things I find amusing or sad.

Anything worthy of sharing gets typed into my phone for later use on the blog.

Once, I was asked by someone I BARELY knew to not write about her in my blog.

My inner voice said, “Just don’t do anything interesting.”

I obeyed, unless you count the fact that I’ve now blogged our conversation at least three times.

My point is, most everyone is a censor.

Of course, they don’t think of it that way, but it’s censorship plain and simple.

And yet I still manage to write about my life, my adventures, and my stories.

The other day, my girlfriend and I were sitting around having coffee on her back porch in the morning sun and she mentioned that I’m typically very quiet but she knows me better than that.

My inner voice is a comedienne.

Cheeky blogging

I’m always fascinated to see what kind of search terms people put in to Google or Yahoo when they surf into my site.

Here are a few search terms I came across today:

1. Rubbed My Butt Massage Naked Spa Blog

2. Boys wearing sissy panties

3. Massage ass woman vedio (nice spelling of video, eh? I had to resist the urge to pick up a red pen and write “F” on my computer screen)

4. Proper doggie style technique (can you actually mess up this position? Enough that you would google “proper technique” to educate yourself? Here’s a tip – hold on to her and keep your head away from the headboard.)

5. Indoctrinated foot fetish

And, get this….

6. Nude buldging camel toe (AGAIN with the freaky spelling!)

So in celebration of managing to say one thing and get content crawled into something TOTALLY different (all except for the 1-10 Brazilian Wax search, that one I deserve wholeheartedly)…

…I’ve decided to post a ginormous picture of my ass as a banner.

Live it., Breathe it.Download it.

banner-f

Blogging

write2-copyIt’s funny.

At least *I* think it’s funny.

You see, I’m a blogger so everything I experience is an opportunity to write something about it:

  • Kissing ex boyfriends in RVs at SoulFire.
  • Taking a dip in the hot tubs with men of questionable repute.
  • Peeing my pants in a onesie costume because I couldn’t get it off in time.

It’s all fodder for the blog. Even the stuff that makes me look like a nut case.

Sometimes I wonder how my friends and family REALLY feel about this blog.

Oh, of course to my face they like it and encourage me to write.

But really, deep down, how do they feel about being WRITTEN ABOUT and READING THE INTIMATE DETAILS OF MY LIFE.

There’s a saying among us writers:

If a writer falls in love with you, you never die.

write1There’s another saying though and it goes something like this:

Don’t piss off a writer. We’ll DESCRIBE you.

IMG_9378

I just want to publicly thank all my friends and family who put up with me and this tacky blog – whether I’ve given you a nickname or not.

Every time I write about my friends and family, I do it with love and respect and of course a HUGE dose of courage that they’ll be okay with what I write.

Thanks to them for putting up with me.

It takes a good sense of humor.

It’s hard to date a blogger

It’s hard to date a blogger.

ESPECIALLY one as transparent as I am.

EVERYTHING goes on the internet:

You will usually find me blogging about whatever is on my mind from the men who capture my fancy, like The Swede; to past lovers who I remember fondly, like Jay and Charlie The Aussie; to men I fantasize about but can never have, like Alexander Skarsgård and Joe Manganiello.

IMG_9379I’d like to think I’m more of a lover than a hater. Unfortunately, the hate tends to be funnier than the love, like when The Hunk had an epic skill/equipment failure in bed with me.

IMG_9378I’ve been advised that the reason I’m single is because of this blog.

That might be true but I can’t help but feel like deep down, my blog will actually draw in the right man for me.

Imagine how nice it’d be to have all your experiences and secrets in one place where a person can read about them.

My thoughts. My hopes. My frustrations.

If a man can get through my blog posts AND STILL be interested in me, then he passed the test.

And the thing is, PLENTY of men like this blog and read it.

So there’s hope.

There’s a reason this blog is called unblunder…

Because everything seems wrong at first until it suddenly turns beautifully, epically RIGHT!

Am I a writer?

Am I a writer?

That’s a good question.

I certainly sit at the computer and type words into sentences on the screen.

But does that make me a writer?

I have a friend who is a published poet.

She writes amazing things that make me catch my breath and pause a moment in awareness that she has struck some significant sympathetic chord in me.

What do I write?

Blurbs about my life, dating, and the adventures that my life brings to me.

Occasionally, I SHOUT.

I’ve never really thought of myself as a writer.

Except that I am.

There’s more truth on the pages of unblunder than there is in the pages of an encyclopedia.

And occasionally there’s more depth – as evidenced by me admitting to experimenting with fringe sexual practices and chronicling my (mis) adventures, especially in dating.

Someday I may write a book.

But right now, I’m going to focus on this blog which is a guilty pleasure for many.

I’m trying to make sense of this world and my place in it.

Heaven knows I don’t have all the answers.

Do you?

hemingway

Is it me?

michelleSo.

There’s this blogger.

He’s a Brit with a rather interesting blog that I just checked out the other day.

If you get a chance, hit it up at The Entertainment Patrol.

I know very little about David except that:

  1. He comments on my blog.
  2. He doesn’t like smoking.
  3. He has an interesting affection for rhinos and sharks.
  4. He has a crush on another WordPress blogger.

That is the sum total of everything I know about him.

The good news is I can read his blog and learn more.

The bad news is I can read his blog and learn more.

You never know what you’re going to find out when you read someone’s personal blog. And since his seems to keep his blog more anonymous than mine, it could be A LOT MORE PERSONAL than unblunder.

What does a person say when there’s no accountability?

Well, as it turns out, his blog seems to be a platform for animal rights. Or at least a place for him to express his support of humans helping animals and not eradicating them from the face of the earth for all eternity.

It’s at times like this that I feel a little sheepish about my own lighthearted blog.

I mean, talking about boobs, lingerie, and facials does nothing to actually improve the world and actually sucks up a fraction of life while I write posts on those subjects and you read them.

There’s 1 minute of your life you’ll never recover.

Nevertheless, I stand by my blog for what it is:

Frivolous entertainment that stimulates your funny bone.

Bone, being the operative word here.

Ha!

In any case, part of me wants to read more of his blog and part of me doesn’t.

What’s the use in liking a (younger) man who lives across the pond?

That is the crucial question.

But of course, it does bring up another question. . .

. . . Exactly WHO is this WordPress blogger he has a crush on?

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