This post will make you squirm

When I was growing up, I CONSTANTLY had to wipe pee off the toilet seat.

You see, my dad is a germaphobe and he taught my brother to LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT DOWN while peeing.

Needless to say, my brother’s aim was off.

I can’t tell you how gross it was to forget to check the toilet seat and to sit down and feel the wetness of someone else’s pee on the backs of your thighs.

Then I got married and lo and behold my ex-husband was trained to LIFT THE SEAT.

And he did.

I’ll let you in on a secret: I don’t really care if the seat is up, I just don’t want there to be pee on it.

What can I say?

I set the bar low.

My ex-husband taught my boys to lift the seat but lately, I’ve noticed that someone is leaving the seat down and peeing on it.

Once I figured out which one of my spawn it was, I confronted him.

But the seat-peeing has continued.

So. . .

In order to make a point, I left a bloody wad of toilet paper in the toilet.

Because I know it grosses my boys out to see blood in the toilet.

I see your pee on the seat and I raise you one bloody wad of toilet paper.

I win!

unSCruz 2018: Face Plant

There we were, cranking out spankings and fresh baked cookies for our guests at unSCruz when it happened.

I tripped on some electrical wires and tumbled straight into one of my plastic totes FACE FIRST.

I quickly looked around.

No one saw me.

Good!

That would’ve been embarrassing!

I started rooting around in my bin looking for LED necklaces to gift.

All of a sudden, something wet started dripping off the tip of my nose.

I wiped it away with my hand.

But the dripping continued.

I looked at my hand.

In the dark, I couldn’t make out the color of what was on my hand but I suspected it was blood.

I called out to Tejas, “Tejas, am I bleeding?”

He looked over at me.

Yes! You are!

It was Saturday night and I had been planning to really KILL IT that night and party hard.

Because I was really tired on Friday night, I went to bed early thinking Saturday night would be my night.

But that was not to be.

Instead, I was given paper towels and ice and I sat down and cradled my head.

A nurse appeared as if like magic and she assessed me.

No concussion.

Never passed out.

But all I wanted to do was go to bed.

So I did.

And Tejas and another dear friend kept and eye on me until roughly midnight when I woke up and decided it was time to go out.

But if you can believe it, I managed to do a face plant and split the bridge of my nose open at unSCruz.

It ain’t pretty. . .