Fucking Steve!

Steve told me to start out this blog post saying, “Fucking Steve!  He took me on his goddamn boat and got us stranded in the middle of the bay.”

There, I just gave away the punch line.

Yes indeed, I went to visit my ex-BF Steve at the Antioch Marina to take his boat out for a spin.

What kind of a boat it is, you ask?  It’s a white one with triangle sails.  I’m so savvy when it comes to boats.

Anyway, the engine wouldn’t start, the battery was drained, so Steve got a backup generator from his car and we proceeded to charge the battery.  Unknown to us at the time is that instead of charging the battery, we had left it in idle.  So he took me out to get some food and while the battery should have been charging, it was idling.  Oh, and we left the lights on in the boat …. can you say battery drain?

Meanwhile, we loaded up on heart attacks at Hazel’s in Antioch where they serve this HUGE burger.  Steve and I shared.

IMG_4652You can see the size of each HALF BURGER compared to Steve’s hand in this picture.

We got back to the Marina after dinner, discovered our snafu and fixed the problem.  We went for a walk and chatted about everything from our family and friends, to Steve’s (sometimes) crazy ex-girlfriends.  Me, not included.  I think I get a special category of crazy – the lovable kind 🙂

Finally the battery was charged and the boat left the dock.  Since neither Steve or I knew how to sail, we just motored around a bit as Steve got the hang of his boat.

About 45 minutes into our “sail” the engine came to a stop.  We had run out of gas.  We were drifting with the current.  We laughed but a little part of me was worried.  Do we call someone?  Flag someone down?

Here we are in a SAILBOAT and we don’t know how to SAIL!!  How embarrassing.

At this point, Steve remembered the generator we had brought on board to jumpstart the engine.  THAT GENERATOR RAN OFF OF GAS.  We could use the gasoline from the generator to power the boat’s engine.  He used a sump pump to transfer the gasoline.  Brilliant!

Before we knew it, we were on our way again.  Motoring back to the marina.

To Steve’s credit, this boat is new to him and he didn’t realize that the gas gauge (which was showing full) was faulty.  For a moment there, I did wonder if he was pulling the old “broke down car” maneuver to get me alone.  Such was not the case…. but that’s a story I will leave for another blog post titled “I just can’t get any.”

So in the end, we had a lot of fun taking the boat out and about in the water.  It’s probably the first time that boat has gone out in years.  And it was fun to hang with Steve and hear his incredible life stories.

Running out of gas (when we had sails) made it a bit of an adventure, but nothing this sailor gal can’t deal with.

Mostly, this trip just convinced me that I really do need to refresh my sailing skills and learn how to actually use the sails on a sailboat.

Could’ve come in handy today!

Cruise Control

I have never been on a cruise.

How I managed to live 45 years of life without taking a cruise, I will never know.

But there you have it.

It could have something to do with the fact that I get sea sickness inside the cabin of a boat.

Granted, the boats I’ve been on have been fishing boats or whale watching boats in choppy water.

And so long as I stand outside, in the cold and the wet, I don’t get sick.

I’m not sure how I’d handle being indoors on a large ship.

But I’m guessing that since I get car sick, I’d also get seasick.

My birthfather and stepmother go on cruises and THEY LOVE THEM.

They even took my aunt on the last cruise they went on as a 50th birthday present.

Honestly, it sounded lovely.

Get on a cruise.

Relax.

Get fed well.

Drink your weight in booze.

Get off in ports of interest and sightsee.

Get back on the ship and wait for the next port.

Indulge in leisure activities.

Doesn’t it sound divine?

I don’t want to go on a cruise by myself but I’m thinking I may talk my birthfamily into taking a little cruise, just to see if I can handle it.

Yes, I know there’s Dramamine for the motion sickness, but one tablet of that shit and I am LIGHTS OUT.

Who’s with me?

Who wants to go on a cruise?

Yo ho! Yo ho!

Over a year ago I went deep sea fishing with a boatload of men I didn’t know.

I was the only woman there and I was keenly aware that I NEEDED TO CATCH A SALMON, OR ELSE BE THE DISGRACE OF MY GENDER!

Fortunately, I managed to catch one big fat salmon and you can read all about it HERE.

I’m happy to report that I’m going out again, this time with Sole-Man (can’t you just hear the Blues Brothers play?).

Okay, fishing kinda sucks because you have to get up at butt o’clock in the morning and drive all the way to the boat for a 6:00 am launch.  And I have to take dramamine because I’m prone to motion sickness.  And you have to bundle up because if you think San Francisco is cold, that’s nothing compared to the temperature when you’re on the bay.

But I’m totally excited this time around because I’M NOT GOING ALONE!

My friends are going with me!!

So far there’s just the three of us but we’re trying to load the boat with women so we have a boatload of women fishing in the SF Bay.

We’re fishing for shark, halibut and STRIPPERS.

Or maybe it’s stripers.

I’m kind hoping I catch a stripper!

fishing

Not getting laid

First of all, let me say that it is NOT TRUE that I can’t get laid.  What I’ve discovered is that when I let it in, I have a plethora of options.  I just happen to say no quite frequently and then moan about my bad luck online.

It’s not back luck though, it’s choice.

I planned to go sailing with my ex Steve.  There are two memories I always associate with Steve.  One, he has a 56″ chest.  Yum.  Two, he broke up with my by not returning my phone calls.  Yuck.

The question in my mind was were we or weren’t we going to do it in his boat.  I opted to prep just in case we did.  By prep I mean shave, moisturize and just in general tidy up the area about to be used.

I gentrified my pussy.

We kissed hello.  A wet hello.  Nice.  Things are looking promising.

But then we got swept up in the boat and motoring about.

I was not as flirtations as I could have been.  But then, neither was he.

We finally wound up below deck swapping stories.  Truth be told I was a little cautious about making a move because I was afraid if we “rocked the boat” my motion sickness might kick in and I’d puke all over him.  But I wanted to jump his bones and was waiting for a sign from him.

No signs.  Finally, his phone started buzzing.  Time for him to go to some fires.

“Too much talking, not enough fucking,” I joked.

“There’s still a little time,” he said.  Finally, the sign I was looking for.

I straddled him on the couch and kissed him.  Buried his face in my cleavage.  His phone buzzed.  It was time to go.

He walked me to my truck and we kissed goodbye.  I was happy, despite the lack of below-the-belt action.

Because it’s not everyday you find out that a guy hung like a coke can want to go mattress dancing with you.

BIG GRIN!

Fucking Steve!

Steve told me to start out this blog post saying, “Fucking Steve!  He took me on his goddamn boat and got us stranded in the middle of the bay.”

There, I just gave away the punch line.

Yes indeed, I went to visit my ex-BF Steve at the Antioch Marina to take his boat out for a spin.

What kind of a boat it is, you ask?  It’s a white one with triangle sails.  I’m so savvy when it comes to boats.

Anyway, the engine wouldn’t start, the battery was drained, so Steve got a backup generator from his car and we proceeded to charge the battery.  Unknown to us at the time is that instead of charging the battery, we had left it in idle.  So he took me out to get some food and while the battery should have been charging, it was idling.  Oh, and we left the lights on in the boat …. can you say battery drain?

Meanwhile, we loaded up on heart attacks at Hazel’s in Antioch where they serve this HUGE burger.  Steve and I shared.

IMG_4652You can see the size of each HALF BURGER compared to Steve’s hand in this picture.

We got back to the Marina after dinner, discovered our snafu and fixed the problem.  We went for a walk and chatted about everything from our family and friends, to Steve’s (sometimes) crazy ex-girlfriends.  Me, not included.  I think I get a special category of crazy – the lovable kind 🙂

Finally the battery was charged and the boat left the dock.  Since neither Steve or I knew how to sail, we just motored around a bit as Steve got the hang of his boat.

About 45 minutes into our “sail” the engine came to a stop.  We had run out of gas.  We were drifting with the current.  We laughed but a little part of me was worried.  Do we call someone?  Flag someone down?

Here we are in a SAILBOAT and we don’t know how to SAIL!!  How embarrassing.

At this point, Steve remembered the generator we had brought on board to jumpstart the engine.  THAT GENERATOR RAN OFF OF GAS.  We could use the gasoline from the generator to power the boat’s engine.  He used a sump pump to transfer the gasoline.  Brilliant!

Before we knew it, we were on our way again.  Motoring back to the marina.

To Steve’s credit, this boat is new to him and he didn’t realize that the gas gauge (which was showing full) was faulty.  For a moment there, I did wonder if he was pulling the old “broke down car” maneuver to get me alone.  Such was not the case…. but that’s a story I will leave for another blog post titled “I just can’t get any.”

So in the end, we had a lot of fun taking the boat out and about in the water.  It’s probably the first time that boat has gone out in years.  And it was fun to hang with Steve and hear his incredible life stories.

Running out of gas (when we had sails) made it a bit of an adventure, but nothing this sailor gal can’t deal with.

Mostly, this trip just convinced me that I really do need to refresh my sailing skills and learn how to actually use the sails on a sailboat.

Could’ve come in handy today!