Butt cracks and snot rockets

michelleI went to the Korean Spa with my girlfriend this past weekend.

Once again, I was reminded of how fabulous their body treatments are:

A scrub and a rub (1 hour 15 minutes) for $90.

The technicians are older Korean women who are wearing black bras and underwear. I guess that’s the uniform when you work in a wet spa all day long.

They wear raw silk mitts over their hands and they scrub you down like a rotisserie chicken on a wet vinyl bed.

And I’m not kidding when I tell you that NOODLES OF DEAD SKIN COME OFF YOUR BODY!

This time around there was no belly fat on my forehead.

But I did get taught (firsthand) how to properly wash my butt.

You don’t know sh*t until you’ve been schooled by an old Korean woman wearing nothing but a bra and underwear on how to properly wash your butt crack.

After I was scrubbed raw and pink, my technician massaged me vigorously.

She massaged my face too and it was then that I realized that my forehead was sore.

I didn’t even know a forehead could be sore!

My resting bitch face is exhausting.

So there we were, naked and exposed, laying on a wet vinyl bed, getting scrubbed and rubbed by our technicians – a very basic but essential body treatment – when it happened. . .

My technician put a finger against her nose, and BLEW A SNOT ROCKET TO THE GROUND AT HER FEET.

Yes, this is the woman who clucked at me for not washing my butt thoroughly enough.

Like I’m going to take etiquette lessons from her.

Butt cracks and snot rockets

michelleI went to the Korean Spa with my girlfriend this past weekend.

Once again, I was reminded of how fabulous their body treatments are:

A scrub and a rub (1 hour 15 minutes) for $90.

The technicians are older Korean women who are wearing black bras and underwear. I guess that’s the uniform when you work in a wet spa all day long.

They wear raw silk mitts over their hands and they scrub you down like a rotisserie chicken on a wet vinyl bed.

And I’m not kidding when I tell you that NOODLES OF DEAD SKIN COME OFF YOUR BODY!

This time around there was no belly fat on my forehead.

But I did get taught (firsthand) how to properly wash my butt.

You don’t know sh*t until you’ve been schooled by an old Korean woman wearing nothing but a bra and underwear on how to properly wash your butt crack.

After I was scrubbed raw and pink, my technician massaged me vigorously.

She massaged my face too and it was then that I realized that my forehead was sore.

I didn’t even know a forehead could be sore!

My resting bitch face is exhausting.

So there we were, naked and exposed, laying on a wet vinyl bed, getting scrubbed and rubbed by our technicians – a very basic but essential body treatment – when it happened. . .

My technician put a finger against her nose, and BLEW A SNOT ROCKET TO THE GROUND AT HER FEET.

Yes, this is the woman who clucked at me for not washing my butt thoroughly enough.

Like I’m going to take etiquette lessons from her.

Wet vinyl beds and belly fat

WilshireSpa-9This post starts with a wet vinyl bed and ends with belly fat on my forehead.  What am I talking about?  I’m talking about the Korean spa… my most favorite place to go to get a scrub and a massage.

It’s a very basic treatment facility.  There’s little to no luxury but there are amazing treatments.  The body scrub in particular is amazing.  You start out lying naked spreadeagled on a wet vinyl bed.  A woman wearing a black bra and underwear throws buckets of warm water on you then starts to scrub you with her hands, covered in raw silk mitts.  It sounds crazy, but literally noodles of dead skin come off your body.

My technician this weekend was wearing a red bra and underwear.  She laughed at me a lot as I slipped and slid all over the vinyl bed.  Sometimes she would slap my ass or my thigh to get me to roll over.  There were times I was clutching the bed, desperate not to fall off.  I rotated like a rotisserie chicken on that bed until I’d been fully exfoliated twice.  Everything was exfoliated too.  This is a 100% naked treatment.  Not for those who blush easily.

After that, it was time for my massage.  My tech squirted baby oil all over me and proceeded to give me a very vigorous rub.  At one point, she was standing by my head and leaned over my body and I could feel her belly fat on my forehead.  When in Rome, you know….

I know it sounds a little odd.  I think perhaps you have to have a different cultural mindset than the standard “nudity-is-bad” American attitude.  Most of my friends swear they could never do this.  If I knew anyone who would go with me, I would take them.  The end result is glistening, gleaming, glowing, soft-as-a-baby’s-bottom skin and I for one, am sold.