SMH

The other night I tried to line up a booty call.

But no one could play.

That is to say, everyone I contacted was so far away it was prohibitive.

Le sigh.

I sent out a bunch of text messages.

Some of you may have gotten a text message from me.

You know who you are.

This was my attempt (and a poor one at that) to arrange a booty call for Saturday night.

This is par for the course with me.

Every time I think I’m going to cut loose and just enjoy myself something happens to throw a wrench in the works.

Now, more than ever I need to make LOCAL friends.

The kind that live 10 minutes from me, preferably.

I have one new friend in my town.

Sadly, he’s gone for the holidays and won’t be back until December 3rd.

I did go online and met another single man who lives in my area.

We are supposed to have a date tonight.

So we shall see how that develops.

Changing my profile pic on Tinder has certainly upped the ante when it comes to dates.

I’m starting to wonder if we aren’t all online looking for hookups and thinking maybe something will come of it, instead of everyone being online looking for a LTR and finding FWB instead.

This is my new approach to dating, and one that I think my photographer-friend heartily approves of.

Looking for a FWB and stumbling across a LTR by accident.

SMH (which by the way, means Shaking My Head and NOT SEX MIGHT HELP).

Just FYI!

Won’t you be my neighbor?

Date #2 with Duncan’s Hero is coming up.

You remember the air national guardsman who my son was so impressed with?

Yes, we’re “going out’ on Date #2.

I used the phrase “going out” loosely because in actuality we’re probably going to eat at his place.

So it’s kinda like eating in.

The WHOLE reason why I’m even going on this date is because The Photographer convinced me to text Duncan’s Hero long after I’d given up hope of ever hearing from him again.

I got an immediate and swift response asking me “out.”

Some of you might say, “Well hey!  He’s probably expecting something.”

To which I say, “Please?”

No really, I say, “So what?! We’re adults!  He lives 2 miles from my house.  Now that’s a convenient booty call!”

He’d be my NEIGHBOR if he was any closer!

How to tell if you’re a booty call

michelleI know you like him. He’s a great guy. But he might be using you for sex if the following are true. Here’s how to tell if you’re a booty call.

  1. He doesn’t introduce you to his friends.
  2. He acts like you’re just a friend when you’re in a crowd.
  3. He’s only affectionate with you in private.
  4. He shows up at your place after midnight looking for sex.
  5. He never takes you out.
  6. Your dates consist of making reservations at bath houses and hotels.
  7. You aren’t included in group activities.
  8. He texts at irregular times.
  9. He doesn’t text you to see how you’re doing or create general conversation with you.
  10. He tells you he DOESN’T want a relationship but he DOES want to fuck you.

Tough one. Do some of those hit a little too close to home? I know they hit home for me. Literally every one applies to my current situation.

Don’t be embarrassed if you’ve been generous and loving to your booty call.  It’s a testament to what a big heart you have.  Sure, maybe you went overboard with the gifts.  And maybe you put up with some stuff that you should’ve said something about.  But that’s all water under the bridge.  In the end, you were a good person and that’s all that matters.  You can be proud of yourself.

It honestly just dawned on me that I’ve been a booty call suffering under the mistaken belief that I meant something to my booty call.  Not so.  According to the booty call guidelines set forth by Your Tango, I am DEEP IN BOOTY CALL TERRITORY.  How did I get so far from where I wanted to be?  I have no idea, but I’ve always had a lousy sense of direction when it comes to men. And an overly generous heart.

So here’s to making ourselves LESS available for booty calls and MORE available to the people who love and care for us.

Are you a booty call?

You might be a booty call if:

  • He only texts after midnight.
  • He hasn’t introduced you to his friends.
  • The only date he’s taken you on involved his couch and a baseball game.
  • His blood alcohol level is raging when you’re with him.
  • He gets your name wrong.
  • You talk about sex positions instead of shared interests.
  • You don’t know when you’ll see him again.

Chances are if you’re asking yourself this question in the first place, YOU ARE A BOOTY CALL.

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