Steel Knickers

This could be TMI but I’m gonna go there.

I’ve had no below-the-belt action since 2018.

Now, in a way this is a good thing.

I don’t have to shave my legs.

I don’t have to wax.

I don’t even blow dry my hair anymore.

Personal maintenance is at an all-time low (although the makeup routine is strong and steady).

There’s such little action that I am considering steel knickers.

Cement panties?

I mean, what’s the point of fancy lingerie when no one sees it?

The other day, a bouquet of flowers was delivered to my desk.

I have to admit, I got a little excited when I saw them.

Maybe a man sent them to me?

But no, it was no man.

Just a colleague.

My initial reaction reminded me of the fact that I do want to have a relationship.

Despite being pretty comfortable with my single status.

Isn’t life better with someone to love?

Of course it is.

The little (and I mean TINY) romantic in me is just waiting to love someone up.

The truculent bitch in me is saying, “So what?  Who needs a man?”

Well, duh.

Me.

Survival

I survived 10 events in 10 days, but it wasn’t pretty.

I was so stressed out, I called my doctor and got a prescription for anxiety medication.

Yes, I’m one of those people.

The kind of person who checks and triple checks her orders before an event only to stress out because I’m sure something is going to fall through.

Like the linens.

I forgot to order linens because I thought that the tables I rented were finished.

Not so!

So the day before my event I was desperately calling party rental places trying to find 75 black linens.

Do you want to know how much it costs to rent 75 black linens for 3 days?

$1,400.

Yup.

That’s how big my event was.

We had 962 attendees.

It was IN-SANE!

Now that it’s over, my stress is slowly diminishing, although I’m certainly far from feeling normal.

I feel proud of myself for reaching out to my doctor and my family and friends when my mental health started to deteriorate.

It’s not easy to admit when you need help.

Anxiety can cripple a person, and when you’re dealing with 962 people, each of whom has a million questions and requests of you, it’s easy to get overwhelmed.

But I made it.

And this morning, I got this:

They love me.

They really love me.

 

P.S.  I was hoping they were from a man, but alas they’re just from colleagues.

‘Tis the season for WEDDINGS!

You might think, given my staunch support of my single status, that I wouldn’t be into weddings, but in fact I LOVE GOING TO WEDDINGS!

There’s nothing much better than watching a couple celebrate their love with all their loved ones around them.

I cry.

K&B’s wedding was no exception.

The groom got choked up and I INSTANTLY started to cry.

Thankfully I got a packet of tissues from another wedding guest, so I was prepared for the WATERWORKS.

My dear friend Michelle officiated the wedding and she did an amazing job of knitting together the story of the lovely couple with their appreciation of the family and friends who attended their wedding.

Personally, I was THRILLED to just be out of the Bay Area, breathing the fresh air of Yosemite.

It also helped that I was on painkillers and muscle relaxants for my injured neck so not only was it a beautiful wedding, I was also high as a kite for it.

I was blissfully happy and that’s the EXACT state that you should be in for a wedding!

And GOD BLESS THE BRIDE for NOT throwing the bouquet.

There were two – count them TWO – single women at the wedding.

Me and a lovely guest who flew in all the way from Boston.

I actually turned to the other single woman and said, “So, I’ll arm wrestle you for the bouquet. . .”

She looked aghast.

“You can have it,” she replied.

“I’m joking,” I told her. “Last thing I want is a bridal bouquet.”

What an awkward moment that would have been, no?

I’m not single…

271168_10150221616158788_4805005_nI’m not single. I’m in a relationship with fun and freedom.

And here are a bunch of things that happen when you’re single, both amusing and terrifying.

  1. People try to set you up.
  2. You go on a blind date because your friend promised you that they aren’t setting you up with a psychopath.
  3. You go on a blind date with a psychopath.
  4. People ask you why you’re still single.
  5. You will download Tinder.
  6. You will be asked to join a bunch of threesomes via Tinder.
  7. You will go on a blind date from Tinder.
  8. You will vow never to go on another blind date.
  9. You will go on another blind date.
  10. You will get fed up and delete Tinder.
  11. You will go to a wedding and spend your time counting down the seconds until you can drink.
  12. The bride will throw he bouquet at you because, ha ha, you’re single.
  13. You’ll get on FB and see couples and engagement pics everywhere.
  14. You’ll see couples out in public and feel sad for a second.
  15. Then you’ll see them start to argue and you’ll think, “LOL… just kidding. Single is fine.”
  16. You’ll listen to a song and get all emo.
  17. Then your song will come on and you’ll realize you can dance with whomever the fuck you like. Bonus!
  18. You’ll spend Valentine’s Day alone, that cursed holiday.
  19. Your parents will express their concerns for you.
  20. You won’t make the minimum takeout order at your fav Chinese restaurant.
  21. You’ll get rejected at the fondue restaurant because fondue is for two.
  22. You’ll watch a rom com and cry.
  23. But then the movie will end and you’ll remember how badass and strong you are.