Ah, my 2017 burn. . .
Fucking HOT, it was!
It was in the 100s during the day and in the 90s at night.
All those faux fur jackets I brought were a total waste of space.
Recently, Gigapan released their aerial map of Burning Man 2017 by Todd Huffman, some sort of amazing aerial photographer.
And this is what we looked like:
Kinda brown, huh?
A little bit dusty, no?
Yeah, I thought so too, but then I zoomed in on Tejas’ Motorbeast where I stayed at 6:30 and F.
See that yellow circle?
That’s the Motorbeast, my home at HOME.
And see that AQUA CIRCLE?
That’s my friendly neighborhood dive bar, run by a bunch of outstanding scallywags and mischief makers.
I seriously believe one of them blows things up.
For a living!
So there you have it – one of the reasons why I love Burning Man so much.
I am stumbling distance (and I DID STUMBLE) from the bar to my bed.
If you look REALLY close, you can see my favorite ride along pleasure – the pink Partysnail – parked in the middle of the bottom of the frame.
I took a snooze coming back from the burn with two warm bodies in the plush pink bed of that truck.
Lessons I learned at Burning Man 2017:
- Wear COMFORTABLE shoes.
- Bring a BACKUP pair of COMFORTABLE shoes.
- Bring TWO toothbrushes. You never know when you might LOSE one.
- “Wanna see the inside of my RV” is code for “Let’s go makeout.”
- Too much cocaine causes impotence.
- Edibles are stronger than you think.
- When in doubt, nap. See #6, above.
- There is such a thing as it being too hot to drink any booze.
- Though you may be tempted, NEVER slip off the condom.
- A SURE thing is never A SURE THING.
- Skullfucking is a real thing.*
- If you find yourself in situation #11, try not to puke ALL OVER YOUR PARTNER’S LAP!
- If you have a THING about other people using your pillow, BE SURE to state your preferences AHEAD OF TIME or risk sleeping in other people’s drool.
- Vodka, grape soda, and red bull is a real drink. Who knew?
- When opening a grape soda bottle, aim it away from your WHITE TOGA, or risk turning yourself PURPLE.
- Download your music BEFORE coming to Burning Man. You never know when a bar will need to borrow your playlist.
- If you desire to flirt with someone, do it DIRECTLY, don’t enlist the help of FRIENDS.
- It’s possible to sweat so heavily through the bottoms of your feet they slip out of your flip flops when you walk. Bad!
- Maintain the fire perimeter. Do not go beyond what is safe.
- Your camp becomes your extended family. Love each and every member you are sharing your burn with.
- The best times are the ones shared with others. Embrace your community.
- Village life centers around the daily ice run. Help out where you can.
- There’s nothing better than an ice cold beer on a FUCKING HOT DAY!
- Even if he looks young and virile, his dick still might not work. See #5, above.
- For some people, Burning Man is a bucket list item. For others, it’s a calling.
- Just when you think you’ve blown your nose as clean as it can get, another cluster of brown playa boogers will fly out into your tissue. KEEP BLOWING!
- AF guys are hot AF!
- It is possible to kiss someone and have every other person around you COMPLETELY DISAPPEAR from your world.
- If you’re going to get some action while your friend is in gate line bringing in your gear, be sure to get your clothes back on and get out to greet him when he arrives.
- Also, be sure the FIRST WORDS out of your mouth aren’t, “I just got some.”
*P.S. You can get semen up your nose.
I could say I’m disappointed in myself.
Then again, I could also say that I took very good care of myself under extreme conditions.
It was very HOT at Burning Man.
The sun was so strong you could feel it beating down on you and drying you out.
I opted to hang out in the shade when it was super hot so I missed certain mid day activities:
Men in Skirts
So most of my Burning Man adventures are from night time activities – going to clubs like Spanky’s and HOTD (Hair of the Dog), biking the playa, getting lost, drinking and flirting.
I’d say I am disappointed in myself, but I didn’t wind up having to be taken care of by my camp mates, or worse yet, having to be taken to the medics at Rampart.
Anyway, for me this burn was about community, and was all that I wished for when I first went to Burning Man in 2015 and got ditched.
People to do stuff with
Hugs to share
Fun times for everyone
Rolling on the playa with a crew
In that respect, I was wildly successful, and not the least bit disappointed in my burn!
The first thing you need to know about my burn is that it almost didn’t happen.
Tejas’ Motorbeast broke down in Auburn.
Then again just outside of Gerlach.
I got the last seat (right next to the toilet) on a Burner Express bus heading to the playa with an overnight bag, a liter of water, and simply the HOPE that the Motorbeast would make it.
I arrived on the playa to blazing 100+ degree heat in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.
No Motorbeast in sight.
It was too hot to do anything so I hunkered down in the shade with my awesome camp mates and begged water off of people.
I also changed into my favorite bodysuit.
It was the only other piece of clothing in my overnight bag and was much cooler than what I was wearing.
I totally rocked the scrunch butt even though it gave me a permanent wedgie.
The Motorbeast arrived with much fanfare at 6:00 pm.
Tejas spent almost 6 hours in the Gate line.
This burn is a true testament to the tenacity of that man, and I am forever grateful he took on the responsibility of carting our gear and our home out to the playa.
I heart that man.
He pushed for repairs and got the Motorbeast back on the road and to the playa.
We are HOME!
While I’m at the Burn (starting tomorrow – WOOT!), I will not be blogging.
HOWEVER, I don’t want to leave you empty handed, so I’ve pre-arranged some blog posts for your reading pleasure.
They’re all about my past two trips to Burning Man.
Burning Man 2015 Flashbacks:
- August 25: Scotchfest (my solo venture out during my first burn, may include SCOTCH)
- August 26: ISO: Hugs and Snuggles (the aftermath of living in close community with others at Burning Man)
- August 27: The Lady in White (EXPLICIT CONTENT)
- August 28: Getting There (EXACTLY what you go through just to GET to the Burn)
- August 29: Human Carcass Wash (about me stripping in the desert and getting washed by a bunch of other people)
- August 30: Spanked! (EXPLICIT CONTENT, aka my rosy ass)
Burning Man 2016 Flashbacks:
- August 31: Pre-Burn Goosepimples
- September 1: Highlights (the best of my burn, in a nutshell)
- September 2: Saunadome (about me stripping and taking a sauna during my 2016 burn)
- September 3: Just a Man Playing a Flaming Tuba (aka weird shit you see on the playa)
- September 4: The Magic of the Playa (ah, manifestations on the playa = true magic)
- September 5: You’re Not Supposed to Pee on the Playa (what NOT to do at Burning Man)
And come September 6th you’ll be seeing posts about my 2017 Burn! Yup, I’m on vacation from August 25th – September 5th.
Cross your fingers and wish me luck. Each burn gets better with time so this one should be OFF THE HOOK!