I’ll never love again

I’m okay being single.

It’s MUCH better than being in a dead-end relationship.

I know a few people in that kind of relationship.

Sometimes it just makes me want to scream – HOW CAN THEY BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHILE I’M NOT?!

But truthfully, I haven’t met anyone who I think could be long term material.

When I look back on the last 14 years since my divorce, I realize that I wasn’t ready for a permanent relationship.

I needed some work.

Dare I say it:

I was a little unbalanced and needed time to process.

Now that I’ve had the time to work on me, I’m still not finding anyone out there who is appropriate for me.

And it worries me for one reason:

I feel like I’ll never love again.

It’s not being single that bothers me (cuz it’s kinda fun), it’s the thought of being ENDLESSLY single that bothers me.

The idea that part of my life is over with somehow and will never ever be resurrected scares me.

I’ll never have a plus one for weddings.

I’ll always drive my tires bald because there’s no one to remind me to change them.

I’ll never have to question where I’m spending the holidays because it’s just me.

But most of all I worry that I’ll never fall in love again.

And as fun as casual sex is, I’m kinda hoping for something a little more stimulating.

That’s right.

I said it.

I want more.

Casual sex

michelleOk.

So here I am in my early 40’s wondering why I’m still single.

I know a lot of people in this boat.

And we’re all for the most part reasonably attractive, educated, and funny.

I’m left wondering what is going on. Is there something materially missing from my life or am I suffering from personal shortcomings?

I came to the casual sex party a little late in the game – partly because I was married for 10+ years in my 20s, and partly because I was a Catholic for 30+ years.

Casual sex was a no-no.

Serial monogamy was acceptable.

Fast forward to the future, and my love life is all but non-existent.

That’s when casual sex started looking good.

And sometimes, I’m just saying sometimes, it just seems a lot easier to find a casual partner with no hint of relationship longevity than it is to deal with the pretenses of a relationship.

I’m just saying.

Casual sex can be a beautiful thing.

I’m listening. . .

michelleSomeone asked me to spend the night.

I’d been complaining about driving all the way home only to have him ask me to turn around and go all the way back to visit him.

It was his last night in the Bay Area.

We’d originally scheduled a date however my mom was having a meltdown over my eldest son threatening to quit his job. And my younger son was upset that the bunny he tried to save from being murdered by our cat had died.

So I cancelled my date with him.

I arrived home only to discover that everyone was gone. My boys were at their dad’s house and my mom was nowhere to be found.

So I texted him with my frustrations.

“Come over to the hotel,” he urged.

I just got home, I told him. I’d like to see you but I hate driving all the way home then driving back.

“Then stay until morning. . .”

Uh, no.

Jeez!

I have come to the conclusion that I’m either very discerning about who I spend the night with (aka have sex) or I’m lousy at bedding new lovers. Because I’m definitely not frigid.

I’ve used all of the following excuses to get out of having sex with someone:

  • My kids need me home.
  • I have my period.
  • I need to take a shower.
  • I’m really tired.
  • I’ve got a boyfriend.
  • Big dicks freak me out.
  • And so on. . .

The truth of the matter is I just simply don’t want to for a variety of reasons but I don’t know how to express it.

There’s pretty much nothing that can keep me from boinking if that’s what I truly desire.

But I seldom meet people who create that desire in me, and when I do, they’re usually not into me.

So here’s my question: Do I need to just bite the bullet and give in to casual sex with someone I’m not that into, or do I stay strong and wait until I’m truly moved to do so?

I’m listening. . .