But that’s not the punch line.
This was my date with Lou – a bankruptcy attorney from San Jose.
And my WORST DATE EVER.
He asked me out to dinner but before I knew it, dinner at a restaurant had turned into dinner at Seascapes with his 6-year-old daughter and two black standard size poodles (aka very large poodles).
But then his daughter fell asleep so he asked if we could eat dinner in his hotel room (actually a mini condo) at Seascapes.
Regretfully, I agreed. But I pictured the two of us chatting while his daughter slept in the other room. Not ideal, but I could deal with it.
I asked the waiter to send the bottle of champagne Louis insisted I order to his hotel room.
I suspected I was going to need a drink…. or four.
So there I am, in a hotel room with a lawyer, two poodles, and a 6-year-old girl who was WIDE AWAKE at this point. And Lou is calling the front desk and complaining because the neighbors are a group of college students who are partying very loudly. Fantastic. So while he negotiates a bigger and better suite, I go to my truck to get a Thai paper lantern for his 6-year-old who I know loves the Disney movie “Tangled.”
Lou asks me to walk the dogs while I’m going to my car so I agree. I put their harnesses on incorrectly (and Lou didn’t correct them) so those dogs pulled me this way and that all the way to my car.
I get back only to find that we’re moving to another suite in the complex. So I grab my stuff and we get carted to another room, dogs and everything. Now is when Lou realizes HE HAS NO DOG FOOD. So he leaves me with two dogs and a very uncomfortable 6-year-old who doesn’t want to be left without her dad.
Can’t blame the child.
At this point, Lou and I have barely spoken to each other and I’m beginning t realize what a DISASTER this is turning out to be. But I’m hanging in there. Trying to remain positive when every bone in my body is yelling “LEAVE!!!”
I start coloring the Thai paper lantern with Lou’s little girl. She gets bored and wants to watch TV. Cartoons, naturally. So I find the Adult Swim Channel (I don’t have a TV so I don’t realize that ASC is NOT FOR KIDS). And I KID YOU NOT, Lou walks back into the suite JUST AS the word “FUCK” rings out from the TV.
He gave me a very stern look and turned off the TV.
He’s arranged with the concierge to have a bonfire and s’mores for us on the beach at 9. Meanwhile, our food hasn’t arrived yet BECAUSE THEY WENT TO THE FIRST SUITE WE WERE IN. So we all pile into the cart and head down to the beach HOPING our food and the champagne will somehow find it’s way to us.
We get down to the beach and Lou lets the dogs off leash. They go running off into the darkness with the 6-year-old in hot pursuit of them and the lawyer in hot pursuit of his daughter. I’m left alone.
Still no conversation between Lou and myself.
I eye a cart that’s heading back to the main building and debate ditching my “date.”
The food arrives and Lou materializes from the darkness with his daughter in tow. He proceeds to eat my sea bass. Oops. Then he and his daughter take off again in pursuit of the dogs. I am once again left alone.
I drink the entire bottle of champagne by myself.
Finally, Lou and his daughter get tired. Who let’s their 6-year-old stay up this late anyway?
We hop back in the cart. Me in the front and him and his daughter in the back with the dogs.
Alone, again. I lean over to the cart driver and ask him if he’ll drop me off at my truck after he drops off Lou and company.
When Lou realizes that I’m leaving and not coming inside he’s upset. He tries to give me a kiss. I am thankful that his daughter is there to wrap herself around his legs and ask him to go inside with her and the pups.
Yes, please go.
And that’s how my date with Lou, his two poodles, and his 6-year-old daughter ended.
And the punchline?
Well, the punchline is me.