Smörgåsbord

The Swede and his daughter made room in their house for me during my visit to Sweden.

It was very thoughtful of them to accommodate me for a whole week while I immersed myself in all things Swedish.

As a thank you, I took them to the smörgåsbord at The Grand Hôtel in Stockholm – a beautiful waterfront hotel located in between the Royal Palace and Gamla Stan (Stockholm’s Old Town).

What can I possibly say about the smörgåsbord?

It was mind blowing.

First of all, there were lots of fish dishes, from gravlax (salmon) to poached cod to smoked sturgeon.

The only gross thing I ate was a slice of homemade sausage that tasted like armpit.

Everything else was scrumptious!

They made these little egg cups with caviar on top that were TO DIE FOR.

I think I ate three.

The Swede’s daughter ate four.

I washed all my food down with two glasses of champagne and the only downside to The Swede driving us into Stockholm is that he wasn’t able to enjoy champagne with me (the drunk driving BAC limit in Sweden is 0.02, a quarter of what it is in the US).

It was a pretty amazing night and a wonderful meal with outstanding company and I will treasure my memories of it always.

 

 

I’M GOING TO SWEDEN!

Apparently, when visiting Sweden from a non-EU country, you are allowed to bring in 4L of wine, 2L of champagne, and a bunch of beer.

So I’m bringing in red wine and champagne from California.

I’m bringing two bottles of Chandon Blanc de Noirs, my favorite domestic sparkling wine and 5 bottles of J. Lohr Pinot Noir and Cabernet Sauvignon.

J. Lohr is the family winery, so it’s a given that I’ll be bringing that label to Sweden with me.

I’ve also decided to get a Christmas present for The Swede’s teenage daughter.

It would certainly be awkward to hand out my presents to The Swede and have nothing for his daughter.

So I got her a California sweatshirt and a Stanford beanie.

Because both those places are near and dear to my heart and I want to share.

I’ve started collecting other miscellaneous items for my trip: things like luggage, longjohns, scarfs and sunglasses.

I am basically going to be a walking, talking, brand new woman in Sweden with all new clothes and accessories.

I even purchased brand spanking new panties.

Just because I love the look of a fresh pair.

The trick, of course, is going to be getting it all to fit in my luggage.

I’m relatively limited in what I can bring over, size wise and weight wise.

So I have to be as streamlined as possible.

Lord knows I’m not the greatest at packing light.

For my first Burning Man, I packed 16 bins of costumes, supplies, and food!

So needless to say, this will be a challenge.

But hey. . .

I’M GOING TO SWEDEN!

When you drink with your sister

Start with a mini bottle of Champagne Pink Pop. Pick it out in a pink bottle thinking it’s pink. Discover it’s not pink and be disappointed. Try champagne and be even more disappointed. Add orange juice to make it drinkable.

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Try OREgasmic Ale by Rogue Farms, because it’s supposed to be OREgasmic. Discover OREgasmic beer tastes like dirty feet and pot ash. Definitely not orgasmic. Be disappointed.

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Try cheap stacked wine which comes in its own glass. Have low expectations. Have low expectations met. Feel foolish for trying wine which comes with a pull off lid.

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Try Blood Orange Mimosa. Suspect it’s a headache in a bottle with a screw top lid, but love it anyway.  Make your sister drink most of it after dosing it with vodka.

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 Graduate to bonafide liquor – making really strong mai tai and screwdriver. Decide to hop in the hot tub naked. Have to hang foot out of hot tub because of new foot tattoo (which effing HURTS). Have sister yell at you when you accidentally dip it in the water. Feel sheepish. Snap selfie anyway.

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UPDATE:  Get RAGING cellulitis (skin infection) from dipping foot in hot tub.  Deal with your sister’s “I-told-you-so’s.”  On antibiotics.  Feel even more sheepish.

Champagne Balloon Flight

balloonOkay.

So one of the things on my bucket list is to go on a hot air balloon ride.

But I’m freaked out about it.

Perhaps because I don’t understand the mechanics of it that well.

The physics of how it all works.

Which is why when the Living Social voucher came by suggesting I buy a balloon flight with complimentary champagne, I at first clicked the “BUY” button but then never followed through with the purchase.

You see, I’m chicken.

What if I go floating off into the cosmos only to come crashing down to earth?

What if we burst into hot gaseous flames and plummet to the ground?

These are the things I worry about.

Also, will I look like a total LOSER going on a champagne hot air balloon ride all by myself?

So I’m putting it out there – any friends want to join me on this adventure?

Cost is about $175 for the flight and champagne.

I’ll provide the Ativan.

Just kidding….. that would be illegal.

A Black Tie Affair

New Year’s Eve I went to the most AMAZING Black Tie party hosted by a dear friend of mine in his luxurious home in the South Bay! My date was dressed to the nine’s in a black tux with shiny black shoes.

At first, I was thinking of not going to the party. After all, who wants to go to a NYE party by themselves?

But then my date asked me out and and getting dressed up for him seemed like a good idea.  Here’s my lovely dress, without me in it…

FullSizeRender(8)Sadly, we didn’t get a single full length picture of our outfits but you can see our smiling faces here….

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 I had a great time dancing, socializing, sitting around the fire, and sipping champagne into the wee baby hours of 2016.

Happy New Years to all!

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A lawyer and two poodles walk into a bar…

But that’s not the punch line.

This was my date with Lou – a bankruptcy attorney from San Jose.

And my WORST DATE EVER.

He asked me out to dinner but before I knew it, dinner at a restaurant had turned into dinner at Seascapes with his 6-year-old daughter and two black standard size poodles (aka very large poodles).

But then his daughter fell asleep so he asked if we could eat dinner in his hotel room (actually a mini condo) at Seascapes.

Regretfully, I agreed.  But I pictured the two of us chatting while his daughter slept in the other room.  Not ideal, but I could deal with it.

I asked the waiter to send the bottle of champagne Louis insisted I order to his hotel room.

I suspected I was going to need a drink…. or four.

So there I am, in a hotel room with a lawyer, two poodles, and a 6-year-old girl who was WIDE AWAKE at this point.  And Lou is calling the front desk and complaining because the neighbors are a group of college students who are partying very loudly.  Fantastic.  So while he negotiates a bigger and better suite, I go to my truck to get a Thai paper lantern for his 6-year-old who I know loves the Disney movie “Tangled.”

Lou asks me to walk the dogs while I’m going to my car so I agree.  I put their harnesses on incorrectly (and Lou didn’t correct them) so those dogs pulled me this way and that all the way to my car.

I get back only to find that we’re moving to another suite in the complex.  So I grab my stuff and we get carted to another room, dogs and everything.  Now is when Lou realizes HE HAS NO DOG FOOD.  So he leaves me with two dogs and a very uncomfortable 6-year-old who doesn’t want to be left without her dad.

Can’t blame the child.

At this point, Lou and I have barely spoken to each other and I’m beginning t realize what a DISASTER this is turning out to be.  But I’m hanging in there.  Trying to remain positive when every bone in my body is yelling “LEAVE!!!”

I start coloring the Thai paper lantern with Lou’s little girl.  She gets bored and wants to watch TV.  Cartoons, naturally.  So I find the Adult Swim Channel (I don’t have a TV so I don’t realize that ASC is NOT FOR KIDS).  And I KID YOU NOT, Lou walks back into the suite JUST AS the word “FUCK” rings out from the TV.

He gave me a very stern look and turned off the TV.

He’s arranged with the concierge to have a bonfire and s’mores for us on the beach at 9.  Meanwhile, our food hasn’t arrived yet BECAUSE THEY WENT TO THE FIRST SUITE WE WERE IN.  So we all pile into the cart and head down to the beach HOPING our food and the champagne will somehow find it’s way to us.

We get down to the beach and Lou lets the dogs off leash.  They go running off into the darkness with the 6-year-old in hot pursuit of them and the lawyer in hot pursuit of his daughter.  I’m left alone.

Still no conversation between Lou and myself.

I eye a cart that’s heading back to the main building and debate ditching my “date.”

The food arrives and Lou materializes from the darkness with his daughter in tow.  He proceeds to eat my sea bass.  Oops.  Then he and his daughter take off again in pursuit of the dogs.  I am once again left alone.

I drink the entire bottle of champagne by myself.

Finally, Lou and his daughter get tired.  Who let’s their 6-year-old stay up this late anyway?

We hop back in the cart.  Me in the front and him and his daughter in the back with the dogs.

Alone, again.  I lean over to the cart driver and ask him if he’ll drop me off at my truck after he drops off Lou and company.

When Lou realizes that I’m leaving and not coming inside he’s upset.  He tries to give me a kiss.  I am thankful that his daughter is there to wrap herself around his legs and ask him to go inside with her and the pups.

Yes, please go.

And that’s how my date with Lou, his two poodles, and his 6-year-old daughter ended.

And the punchline?

Well, the punchline is me.

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Need to improve your sex life?

1.  Toys (THIS is my newest favorite)

2.  Costumes (THIS is a popular choice as is THIS)

3.  Role Play

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4.  Get naughty in public – let your hands wander, make out, have fun!

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5.  Watch sexy movies (suggestions HERE)

6.  Watch porn together (try Candida Royalle or Dane Jones if you want more couples-friendly porn).

4906236a5e4c319bbd0d22d32c882ac27.  New lingerie (LINK)

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8.  Date night!  Do something fun together.  Plan to get lucky when you go home.

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9.  Be romantic.  Flowers and champagne go a long way….

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10.  Share fantasies.  Don’t know how?  Read THIS guide.

11.  Yoga.  Especially when naked 😉 [LINK]

12.  Take a shower together.  I recommend doing this on a regular basis!

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13.  Do it every day for a week.  Reacclimate your body to your standards of yesteryear.

14.  Try OMing.  Don’t know what that is?  Click HERE.

15.  Go to a NAKED SPA and relax in your birthday suit.  If you can’t do that rent a PRIVATE HOT TUB ROOM and have fun.

16.  Take a mini vacation/road trip to someplace nice.  Pretend you’re hooking up with a stranger in your hotel room and enjoy yourselves.

17.  Try different sexual positions.

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18.  Read erotica to eachother. [LINK]

19.  Wine.  ‘Nuff said.

20.  Get some good lube.  This SH*T is awesome.  Buy a gallon of it.

21.  Try a little D/S.  Don’t know what that is?  Click HERE for the lite version (what is popular right now) or read THIS for the more advanced.

Happy Singles Awareness Day

Valentine’s Day (aka Singles Awareness Day) sucks for us single people.  All day long, people have been asking me my plans for Valentine’s Day.  You wanna know what my plans are?  I’m going to go home and masterbate after drinking an entire bottle of champagne by myself while watching “The Notebook” and crying because that movie is just so damned romantic.  And I’m going to try really hard not to think of Edward out on a date falling in love with another woman. And when I fail to do that I will just go to bed early to give myself some relief for the sadness.

Anything and everything is romantic on Valentine’s Day.  And I get to hear about all of it in vivid detail on Facebook.  In sickeningly sweet romantic detail.

“My wife is too perfect for words…”

“He showed up with his hands full of beautiful long stem roses…”

Oh gag! Gag! GAG!

The most genuinely romantic thing I saw on Facebook for Valentine’s Day is my step-sister’s post.  She just had baby #2 the day before Valentine’s Day and she posted “Family is what happens when two people fall in love.”

So no, I’m not completely bitter about Valentine’s Day.  In fact, I’m celebrating the fact that I have a date tomorrow.  At a fancy restaurant in Los Gatos.  LOL  Oh history, you do repeat yourself don’t you?

I’m not saturated with bitterness, but if I was it might be because I just got an email from a guy complimenting my rack.  This is how he introduced himself to me.  Yes, these are the men who are single and available to us single ladies. And now you know why I’m still single – the dating pool out there is a little inbred, inebriated and inept.  I can’t imagine why he’s single, can you?  But he’s sure as hell right about my rack 😉

Bitterness is personified by my sister who wrote on Facebook “I don’t give a fuck about Valentine’s. Or work. Or anything. I need chocolate.”  Touche Lisa.  She even added this lovely image to solidify her stance on V-Day:

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She’ll likely feel better when she gets the flowers, teddy bear and chocolate my boys and I sent her.  The day will definitely improve for her then.  Because in the end, all we really want on Valentine’s Day is to feel special… to have someone, anyone do a little something to make our day brighter.  Make us feel cared for.

Sure, I’d love to go home and have someone sexy to hug, share a romantic meal with, and go mattress dancing with, but that’s ignoring the fact that I have two teenage boys who love me who will probably give me a hug when I get home then ignore me the rest of the night while they play video games and I watch a sappy romantic movie while drinking aforementioned bottle of champagne.  I’ll likely contact some of my flirty friends and swap sexy texts.

Then I’ll fall asleep, drunk on champagne bubbles and wake up with a headache ready to relight my beacon of optimism and go out on a date with Tony.  That’s exactly what I’ll do.