Fuck Chemistry

Despite the fact that I have no online dating presence right now, POF continues to email me with requests from men who want to meet me.


I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking it’s possible that there might be a good one out there.

Let me dissuade you from that notion.

In the 12 years since my divorce, I have absolutely met not a single soul online who I connected with.

Excepting a few Facebook friends.

Every time I get tempted to go online and see what’s up, I remember that guy who moved his glass so he could “see my tits better.”

Or the guy who deeply hurt my feelings because he said we had “no chemistry.”

I’ve been thinking about chemistry a lot lately.

About how deceptive it is.

Sure, I get all pie-eyed every time I see a lumberjack.

Give me a beard, broad shoulders, and a warm chest and color me happy.

But in reality, I’ve discovered that long term chemistry has very little to do with that initial physical rush of hormones, and everything to do with who that person is on the inside, which takes time to discover.

Barbara would tell me this is EXACTLY why I should wait MONTHS before getting physically involved with someone.

Take, for instance, my ex-boyfriend Luke.

Luke owned dozens of hand guns, even more knives, and he drove a truck.

He had no beard, but he lived in flannels on his days off.

Perfect man for me?

Not so much.

When times got tough, and we tried to talk it out Luke could only stare at the floor and play with his socks.

He had no ability to discuss difficult topics AT ALL.

And you know, everyone runs into the need to discuss challenging subjects.

So I say fuck chemistry.

Not that anyone is lining up outside my door for a chance to take me on a date, but I’m basically like the carpool lane on the weekend:



I know what chemistry is.

I’ve felt it before.

Recently even, when I met Coke Can Dan.

It’s that sudden rush of hormones that happens when you realize that you’re clicking with someone.

It feels GOOD!

I’ve learned not to trust chemistry though.

Because it’s usually me reacting to my IMAGINED impression of who my date is and not the REALITY of who he really is.

If he’s tall and bearded, my hormones go WILD!

But like I said, I’ve learned not to trust chemistry.

So you can imagine I was shocked when I went on a date and as it was concluding, my date turned to me and said, “I’ve had a great time meeting you but I don’t think there’s any chemistry.”

I was floored.

I thought we had a nice conversation.

To be perfectly honest, I couldn’t think of anything to say in response.

I was silent.

And a little bit hurt.

True, you can tell a lot about a person in two hours, but there’s a lot still left to the imagination.

And being an introvert, my personality doesn’t always come shining through.

But, well, okay.

If you say so.

It’s not like you can MAKE somebody like you.

So I bid him farewell and went home.

And then. . .

About 15 minutes later, a text:

So there’s that.

Nice guy.

No chemistry.


Crazy Chemistry

It happens sometimes.

Usually, it comes out of left field and blind sides you when you’re least expecting it.


Like CRAZY GOOD CHEMISTRY with someone who you maybe should not engage in chemical reactions with, if you catch my drift.

Like for instance, a married man.

Or your sister’s ex-boyfriend from high school.

Or maybe even someone who you totally despise except for the fact that you totally want to jump their bones.

That’s how it is sometimes.


There’s really no predicting it.

There’s someone out there right now who I literally CAN’T WAIT to get my hands on.

Of course, he’s totally unavailable, which is – I am sure – part of his charm.

The thing is, every time I think of him in the biblical sense, I get this ache in my body, like I’m missing something important – such as food or water.

And I’m reminded of what my OM instructor said to our class a long time ago – that orgasm is as essential to the human existence as sleep.

And I think it’s pretty clear I’m suffering.

Crazy fucking chemistry.

There’s no escaping it.

It’s not rocket science

Let’s be candid.  I write a lot about sex.  And men.  And condoms.  And boudoir photos.

Judging from the topics I choose to write about, everyone thinks I get IT all the time.

Well the truth is I’m not.  All of my horizontal plans fall through.  Just yesterday I was supposed to go over Jeep’s house for a little mattress dancing.  But he had to stay and work late.  Plans cancelled.

I’m saying this so you’ll know why I’m such a wanna-be-nympho.  It’s because I’M NOT GETTING ANY.

Sure, I go on a lot of dates and I meet a lot of men, but seldom does my attraction for him and his attraction for me line up.  It’s like NASA’s Mariner space rocket – it looks good but 5 minutes after takeoff, it explodes.  Mission failure.

My girlfriend Michelle and I talked about why I put up with dating lousy guys.  She thinks my ex-boyfriend Dave was so horrible he lowered the bar for everyone.  I think I’m very clear on what I’m  looking for and I’m okay putting up with with a little entertainment while I wait for him to show up.

So for now, the blog posts and the inappropriate men stay.

I’ll keep blogging about sex even though I’m not getting any.   And I’ll blog about it once I start getting some.  And you’ll all be happy for me because it’ll probably mean I’m in love.

And I’m a kiss and tell kinda girl.


IMG_7955I know I’ve been banned from dating and for the most part I am adhering to the ban.

But it’s making me cranky.

Here are 10 things I miss about dating:

  1. The excitement at the possibility of meeting that special someone
  2. First kisses, at least the ones that are good
  3. Taking them for a stroll in the dark over the Los Gatos overpass to make out
  4. Making out
  5. Getting dressed to kill
  6. Chemistry
  7. Getting to know someone new
  8. The thrill of learning a new person’s body
  9. Hugs
  10. Falling into bed after a great date looking forward to tomorrow

All of this is well and good, but if I don’t get taken off my dating ban soon, I’m going to explode.

Some women were meant for abstinence/solitude and I am one not of them. I’d rather wear sensible shoes than go without at least a little flirtation.  And given that my best friend is now dating 4 partners, I am insanely jealous of the ability to date.  And all I want is one good one…

All these lovely men are reaching out to me and yet I can’t go out with any of them.

Sad face.

Dear Life Coach, I know you have my best interests at heart but the dating ban is killing me. I need to flirt and kiss and hug. Please lift the ban.


It’s making me cranky.



It’s what we all in search of.  That elusive je-ne-sais-quoi, that sudden lurch, the extraordinary connection to another human being.

Chemistry is defined as the interaction of personalities.  But I think it’s much more than that.  I think chemistry is mysterious.  It’s a strange alchemy that draws people together.  It’s the undefinable quality that bonds one person to another and visa versa.

In my life, I’ve been lucky to have experienced chemistry many times… up until recently where there’s been a dearth of chemistry.  In the last two months there have been exactly two people I experienced chemistry with.  And for those moments I am thankful.

And so, for my homage to chemistry I am going to list a few on screen couples who rocked with charts with their chemistry:


  1. George Clooney and Jennifer Lopex in Out of Sight.  Their dinner together when they talk about their imaginary future together is flawless.  They just sizzle.


  1. James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal in Secretary.  He’s so hard on her.  And she provokes him until the final scene where you finally understand their dynamic.


  1. Mathieu Kassovitz and Audrey Tatou in Amelie.  They’re just perfect together.  Sweet yet sexy.  When they finally hook up, even you need a cigarette afterwards.


  1. Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Lining’s Playbook.  The on screen chemistry was so amazing rumors swirled that these two were hooking up IRL.  We were all hoping!


  1. Paul Newman and Elizabeth Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.  Here’s some potent on-screen chemistry.  Maggie and Brick bicker for most of the film as their obvious obsession for each other comes out.  Hot?  For sure.

So there you have it.  Spectacular examples of chemistry… at least the firey, all-consuming chemistry I like to experience.  Chemistry is sometimes criticized for being valued more than compatibility.  I personally think both have to be present to have a successful relationship.

I have to want to jump your bones and be able to have stimulating conversations on a regular basis.  Chemistry is great because it can’t be faked.  It can steer you in the wrong direction, however.

Coll it love. Call it passion.  Call it illness.  The nuances of your personalities and behaviors ravage one another’s dopamine receptors in a neurological orgy of starry eyed dreams.