A few funnies to tickle your funny bone this Christmas:
The most notable part about my weekend this past weekend is that I got smashed.
Is that even a word?
I didn’t intend to and I blame the fact that I switched from drinking beer to drinking gin about halfway through the night.
But let’s start at the beginning.
I decided to attend my first Santa Con – a party where a group of people get dressed like Santa in festive holiday attire and go en mass from one pub to the next bringing holiday spirit and cheer while consuming alcoholic beverages. I put together an appropriate outfit – black boots, fishnet tights, white tutu, red velvet corset with white maribou feather trim, and of course a Santa hat.
Our path was all laid out – first we went to Aloft Bar, then Whole Foods (who were INCREDIBLY HOSPITABLE), followed by The Monte Vista Inn, and finally landing at The Blue Pheasant.
Everyone was dressed up in various Santa garb. My favorite was a duo – a flattened grandma and the reindeer who ran her over. Perfect! Love everyone’s creativity!
I got run over by the reindeer myself… note the hoof print on my chest!
At Paul & Eddie’s, I switched from drinking beer to drinking 4 olive gin martinis.
And that’s what did me in.
By the time we got to The Blue Pheasant, I was incapable of using my phone to arrange for a Lyft so I had to get a ride home from a nice gentleman who was kind enough to offer me a ride.
And then I was too drunk to give him directions.
He had to use an app to get me home.
I’m really embarrassed to say that I actually remember farting in his car on the ride home.
Jesus, was I DRUNK!
So lesson learned: Santa Con is a marathon, not a sprint.
If you’ve followed this blog for any length of time, then it comes as no surprise to you that I LOVE CHRISTMAS.
The holidays just fill me with happiness and cheer.
I once fell in love with a man over the Christmas holiday season and although the relationship didn’t last, that feeling of awe and good will lingers.
I took my Christmas card pictures in May.
I ordered my cards in September.
I purchased all my gifts in October and November.
And now everything is wrapped and I am READY TO CELEBRATE.
Bring on VACATION!
My favorite thing is to watch the holiday decorations get set up at my parent’s house.
One decoration that never ceases to amaze me is my mom’s Mr. Christmas Santa’s Grand Marching Band.
Five little Santas holding two brass bells each strike their bells in time to make Christmas music.
It’s just beautiful.
I bought this musical toy for my mom in Capitola at a gift shop while out with my Christmas boyfriend in 2009.
We were strolling through shops, just looking at things when the Grand Marching Band caught my eye.
You can hang it on your Christmas tree OR set it up on a table or mantle.
It’s very versatile.
Sadly, my mom has stored the Grand Marching Band in a location that we can’t seem to find and so last Christmas I didn’t get to hear Santa’s little bells ring.
This year I am determined to find it or else replace it with a new one.
However, Santa’s Grand Marching Band has become somewhat of a collector’s item which means if I don’t locate my mom’s, I’ll have to buy one from $150 – $300.
You can imagine I’m going to search FAR AND WIDE for the one we’ve misplaced.
But if I don’t find it, I love it enough to not be too heartbroken to have to pay to replace it.
Mr. Christmas Santa’s Grand Marching Band – $150
Christmas memories with chiming bells – PRICELESS
Now that it’s OFFICIALLY after Halloween I can focus on Christmas!
I LOVE fall.
Indian summer stretches into fall and we all enjoy cool mornings, crisp nights, and sunny days.
I just want to brag about some of the gifts I bought for my family.
I found a company that makes custom bifold iPhone cases so I whipped up some family photos for my mom so that she could have all her lovely children and grandchildren smiling at her from her phone.
Thank you Lasting Impressions for the perfect gift for my mom.
Her current bifold case is falling apart.
For my sister, a little sass:
Because nothing says “I’ve got attitude” like a mug with the F-Bomb on it.
For my nephews, who I have dubbed “The Littles,” I started a tradition of getting them a Christmas ornament with the Halloween costumes they wore earlier that year.
Calvin was the Grim Reaper and Milo was Venom.
I managed to find Calvin’s costume on Zazzle:
And Milo’s costume on etsy, customization pending.
I’m still debating on what to get them for their gifts. The ornaments are simply a little extra gift I like to give to The Littles.
I can imagine my brother and sister-in-law’s Christmas tree when the boys are older, filled with memories of Halloween and Christmases past.
Welcome to my fall-loving, Christmas-obsessed season of joy!
Christmas is coming and I am already 110% ahead of the game.
My Christmas cards have been mailed.
My shopping is done.
Even my wrapping is complete.
I’ve annoyed even myself with my efficiency.
Personally, I am thrilled at the selection of gifts I have bought for my friends and family.
None more so than The Swede.
First, I bought him an industrial size box of Swedish Fish.
As a joke, naturally.
Then I proceeded to BREAK INTO the box and ate a bunch of fish so I had to get him something else.
And please, dear Swede, if you are reading this, stop now or your surprise will be RUINED.
[scroll down for more]
I custom made a tee shirt for The Swede.
Yes. I. Did.
Because I could find a tee shirt that said “Eat, Sleep Hockey” in English, but not in Swedish.
And I figure WHY BUY IT IN ENGLISH if he’s going to be in Sweden wearing it?
It should be in Swedish.
So I translated “Eat, Sleep Hockey” into Swedish “Äta, Sova, Hockey.”
Then I printed it in YELLOW lettering on a ROYAL BLUE tee shirt – the colors of Sweden.
How’s that for a present for you?
I REALLY hope he likes it!
You can’t say I didn’t make an effort. . .
P.S. I got him a SECOND gift. Just because I do that sometimes. Check out this awesome mug I had custom made for him:
Just so you know, this is my FAVORITE time of year – the days between Halloween and New Year’s.
I do not suffer from seasonal affect disorder, needless to say.
Actually, it’s quite the opposite.
Once, I fell in love with a man during the holiday season (and he was a holiday aficionado too) and to this day, there is a special place in my heart for him because it was JUST SO DAMN PERFECT.
Bring it on!
Where do I schmooze?
Yes, please, I love to give and receive.
It’s ALMOST annoying how much I like the holidays.
In case you didn’t ALREADY guess, I designed my Christmas card way back in July and it’s been sitting in my Shutterfly shopping cart, just waiting for a good discount.
Back when I had my own house, I’d decorate three trees – one in the front yard for the neighbors, one in the window, which was my designer tree to be viewed by everyone driving or walking by, and one in the kitchen which had all the kids ornaments on it.
THEN. . .I’d decorate the three arches in my entryway with fir swags and flowers.
I’m getting so excited just THINKING about all this.
That’s how sick in the head I am.
If you have seasonal affective disorder, stay away from this blog until after January.
It’s bound to drive you absolutely BONKERS!
I’m working on another costume because why not?
This one is for all the Santa Con Pub Crawls that are coming up.
I’d like to go dressed as a Steampunk Christmas cutie.
So I went ahead and did a mock up of what I thought MIGHT work.
He actually referred to one of my selected tops as “too Ellie May.”
Then he quickly told me I could totally pull of Ellie May. [Incidentally, if you google “Ellie May” to get an image for your blog, be aware that lots and LOTS of porn will pop up.]
This is why Tejas drives me crazy.
[But he was right].
So today I whipped up a new Steampunk Christmas costume.
One which I think is BETTER THAN THE FIRST.
Also, it incorporates a hat and skirt that I already have in my closet.