Belly dancing – 1, Michelle – 0

red bellyI took a belly dancing lesson from a Stanford Medical student.

I’m not kidding…. Alma is a phenomenal professional belly dancer AND a medical student at Stanford AT THE SAME TIME.

I know. It blows the mind.

In any case, she warmed us up by having us roll all over the wall, arms moving up and down, caressing the wall.

Then we got down to business.

Apparently, belly dancing is accomplished through amazing glute work.

We sat on the floor and practiced isolating and clenching our glute muscles – first the left, then the right, then both together.

I confess, even though I have an ample size derriere, I had a difficult time isolating my two glute muscles.

They both wanted to clench at the same time.

I became frustrated. I thought this was about shaking my hips. I can do that. What’s the big deal with all these butt muscles?

In the end, I felt like I needed A LOT more practice and just in general a lot more dancing experience.

I want to be graceful and poetic, not jerky and disjointed.

As it stands, you are unlikely to see me in a belly dancing outfit, dancing my ass off for anyone other than a significant other. I’m just not skilled enough at this time.

So the score was Belly dancing – 1, Michelle – 0.

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Things I’m not good at

michelleI signed myself up for a 10-hour class on Financial Planning at Stanford University.

This class should prove a lot more useful than my lap dancing class (aka skills I’ve acquired that have been totally wasted in real life).

I actually have a BS in Biology.

I can tell you the difference between a eukaryote and a prokaryote but for the life of me I couldn’t ell you what microeconomics, macroeconomics, or game theory are.

I’m basically a remedial student when it comes to finance.

I just don’t have the head for it. People start talking finance and my brain shuts off. All I hear is the mom from Charlie Brown cartoons going “Waa waa waa.”

I need help.

Oh sure, I’ve got a budget that I live by (unless there’s a sale on Jimmy Choos).

And I’ve got a retirement plan

But I have no idea how investments work.

Hence, this class.

It’ll give me the critical knowledge I’m lacking.

And maybe I’ll make new friends in class.

You just never know . . .

Belly dancing – 1, Michelle – 0

red bellyI took a belly dancing lesson from a Stanford Medical student.

I’m not kidding…. Alma is a phenomenal professional belly dancer AND a medical student at Stanford AT THE SAME TIME.

I know. It blows the mind.

In any case, she warmed us up by having us roll all over the wall, arms moving up and down, caressing the wall.

Then we got down to business.

Apparently, belly dancing is accomplished through amazing glute work.

We sat on the floor and practiced isolating and clenching our glute muscles – first the left, then the right, then both together.

I confess, even though I have an ample size derriere, I had a difficult time isolating my two glute muscles.

They both wanted to clench at the same time.

I became frustrated. I thought this was about shaking my hips. I can do that. What’s the big deal with all these butt muscles?

In the end, I felt like I needed A LOT more practice and just in general a lot more dancing experience.

I want to be graceful and poetic, not jerky and disjointed.

As it stands, you are unlikely to see me in a belly dancing outfit, dancing my ass off for anyone other than a significant other. I’m just not skilled enough at this time.

So the score was Belly dancing – 1, Michelle – 0.

IMG_8138 IMG_8139

 

What I learned in bl*w job class

bj4I do these things so you don’t have to. Although you should.

My blow job class was like a stand up comedy routine performed by the sexy and brilliant Chrystal Bougon of Curvy Girl Lingerie fame.

Her presentation was so full of information I had to take notes.  And boy did I take notes!

The evening began with a room full of 50+ sexy women and a table full of liquor and wine.  I opted for peach vodka and mango juice.  Very sweet but effective.

The class started with two Sedusa Studio performances by students which were amazing, hot, sexy, and smokin’.  No pics allowed 😦

Then Blow Job 102 began.  Because hopefully we’ve all taken Blow Job 101.

We learned about how to give a gourmet and an efficient blow job, the difference between the two being how earnestly you work at trying to make him cum.  But for blogging purposes, I’ll focus on the gourmet blow job.

Penises, we learned, are idiot proof.  They all work the same.  So all the techniques we were learning were transferrable.

The key to a great blow job is enthusiasm.  It’s everyone’s favorite technique.

In no particular order, some of Chrystal’s recommendations were:

  1. Be enthusiastic.
  2. The seam between the balls is super sensitive. Don’t neglect it.
  3. Try melon balling (titty fucking) first.
  4. Use a bullet vibrator on your cheek while giving a blow job.
  5. Hum.
  6. Pay attention to the ABC (ass ball connector aka the taint)
  7. Put your finger one knuckle deep up his butt but do not surprise him with the technique.  There is no surprise anal. {FYI, the penis has about 4,000 nerve endings.  The clitoris has 8,000.  If you add anal play, you have an additional 6,000 nerve endings to play with.  Hence the heightened sensation.]
  8. Make eye contact but don’t give him crazy eyes.
  9. Cross your eyes to relax your throat to deep throat.
  10. Squeeze the thumb on your left hand to deep throat (this actually seemed to work).
  11. Use a throat numbing spray like Comfortable Numb to numb the back of your throat to deep throat.
  12. Put your hair up using your panties/g-string.
  13. Try face fucking (laying on your back with your head off the bed).  It’s a great angle for giving a blow job.
  14. Have him use a remote control vibrator on you while you’re servicing him.  It’ll prep you for later.
  15. Learn to use a cock ring.
  16. Go down on him without touching it (a faux bj) for a little while.  It’ll drive him crazy.
  17. Hot water/cold water.
  18. Use your lips like a cock ring.
  19. Put the cock ring around the balls too.
  20. Try Pop Rocks but make sure they don’t get in the vagina (this was more an audience suggestion).
  21. Give your blow jobs sexy names like “sexy porn star blow job.”
  22. Stroke in one direction with your hand, up or down.
  23. State your expectations for the blow job such as “I don’t want to have sex tonight.  I just want to go down on you for 30 minutes,” or “I want to give you a super sloppy porn star blow job.”  He’ll enjoy the expectations.

My take away from all this was:

  • I need more toys.
  • Creativity is everything.
  • Communication is key.

All in all, it was a wicked fun evening and I enjoyed myself thoroughly.  I’m posting a few pics to show what a great time I had.

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The one where she admits she took a lap dancing class (reposted)

I took a lap dancing class.  The studio offers 3 lap dancing classes – sitting, standing, and on the bed.  I took the “on the bed” class.

The important thing is to start off with a glass or wine or two to loosen yourself up for the activity at hand. Which was great because I walked into the studio right as a girl was changing in to her dance outfit (black hot pants with studs and a matching triangle bikini top) in the lobby. Bam!

She then proceeded to slip on her 7 ½ inch heels. OMG….. now I know why men love heels on women. Pow!

My class started with my instructor Heather, also wearing booty pants and a tank top, telling the class the 5 Rules of Lap Dance:

  1. Arch your back
  2. Move slow
  3. Point your toes
  4. Make eye contact
  5. Touch yourself

Anyway, we warmed up on the floor with a sexy little stretching routine. Slow, always slow. Then we began to learn our lap dance in bed routine:

  • Step 1: Strut around in heels.
  • Step 2: Lean your back against the wall and spread your legs.
  • Step 3: Close your legs and melt down the wall to the floor.
  • Step 4: Crawl to the bed. Opposite knee, opposite paw.
  • Step 5: Run your fingertips, then hands, then forearms up his legs getting closer to the goods every time.
  • Step 6: Rub your chest over his chest and up to his face so he gets a good view of the kittens. Tantalize for a minute.
  • Step 7: Straddle his leg. Grind a little.

And that’s as far as we got.  Two more classes will teach me the rest.

I have to say, the whole experience was great. Once your forget yourself (wine helps) and get in to the mood, everything starts to flow.

Get in a sexy mood. Make eye contact. Touch yourself. Show off your body. It was all very enjoyable and, dare I say, pleasurable.

It did occur to me as I was taking my class how lucky I was. Men would kill to see what I was seeing.

Not only was I learning something, but I was getting quite the show!

And just for laughs and giggles, here is a picture of the man I got to give a lap dance to in bed….

photo(29)Sexy, eh?  Picture me grinding on that….

More, more, more

brewMore.

It’s not just for fans of Sex and the City, it’s for brew fans too.

I am going back to “school” to take a brewing class to learn how to make beer using full grains.

My last homebrew of a Baltic Porter turned out so good I would LOVE to take the next level class and learn more brew skills.

Sadly, I don’t have the equipment to brew at home, but eventually I will invest in my own gear and start brewing at home.

I anticipate this is going to be a great class. Class is limited to just 8 students and the instructor is incredibly knowledgeable about all things beer and even runs his own microbrewery.

The last time I took a brew class I didn’t know anything about home brew or the fermentation process other than what I had learned in college studying Biology.

This time I’ll learn to make a proper yeast starter, brew a 10 gallon batch of beer, bottle half the beer, and put the other half in a keg for carbonation and INSTANT ENJOYMENT.

What could be better my friends except to be able to share it with all of you?

Giddyup

I was at a bar which will remain unnamed on a Thursday night when people starting pulling out ropes and tying each other up.

It was amazing to watch.

Some people just stood there while the rope got wound around them over and over again. Others worked furiously to tie their partners up with ropes in beautiful designs.

They were tied around their feet, ankles, calves, thighs, arms, torso, neck, etc.

A woman was standing off to the side and she offered to show me how to tie a knot.

Now I’ve taken a sailing class but I’m just guess she wasn’t talking about a half hitch knot.

And sure enough, she wasn’t.

I stood there in my work clothes – pencil skirt, white blouse, and black stiletto sandals – and I proceeded to tie her up.

I wrapped the rope around her wrists about half a dozen times, until she had a nice column of rope on her wrists. Then I fed the rope through the other way and I pulled it tight. The ropes tightened around her wrists in perfect symmetry.

She gave me a bit of advice….

“Wait until you’re about to tighten it, then look at your partner when you do it. It’s what my partner always does when he’s tying me up. He watches me, not the rope.”

So I took that piece of advice to heart.

Another volunteer stepped forward for me to tie him up – a young blond man in his thirties.

“I should warn you, I’m a brat,” he told me.

I proceeded to tie his wrists together. And when it came time to tighten the ropes, I said, “Look at me…” then I tightened them.

And he looked straight at me and said, “Come on, you can do better than that” because I tightened them half-heartedly, afraid I might hurt him.

“Oh you ARE a brat,” I replied and I proceeded to yank the ropes as hard as I could.

He was tied up within seconds and I was feeling awfully smug with myself.

Of course, 15 minutes later he had untied himself demonstrating that I WOULD NOT MAKE A VERY GOOD KIDNAPPER WHATSOEVER.

FAIL!

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Snooze

So there’s the class at my yoga studio titles, “Learn to Sleep Better.”

Ok.  Not as exciting as a blow job class but hey, who couldn’t use a few tips on how to catch a few extra Z’s at night?

The instructor is a Ph.D. Not an M.D. which instantly makes me nervous.  I mean, shouldn’t you have a medical background to dispense advice on sleeping?  What’s to keep me from hanging a shingle and dispensing my own “sleep advice”?

I’d suggest a whole like of nutty things like trying your thumbs together, eating fluffer nutters before bed, and humming the National Anthem backwards.

My point being… how is anyone supposed to know what makes this Ph.D. yoga instructor more qualified than me?

Well, for starts, it helps that he conducted sleep research at Stanford University.  That gives him some credibility.  Also, he studied at the University of California.  Not too shabby.

But I think his most prudent qualification is his full head of hair, bright white smile, and sparkling eyes.  The yoga ladies will eat his up.  Nom nom.

Yes, the sleep research scientist/yoga instructor is a bottle (aren’t they all) which makes me way more interested in going to hear him talk.

I’m not sure he can help me though since my sleep problem is that I have to get up to pee a lot.

And I’m not really sure that I want to admit that to a hottie.

Titillation

Glass melts at 2600 – 2900 degrees F, depending on composition.

And I will be handling molten glass this weekend at the Bay Area Glass Institute in San Jose.

Apparently, I get to make, and take home, a glass bowl.

I’m hoping we get to use glass molds instead of glass blowing (though my blowing skills are phenomenal).

It sounds really fun and I’m totally excited to try it. I hope I have a hunky teacher. A John Corbett type would be nice. He can distract me while I create art with my own two hands (or lips).

Nothing like a hot and sweaty man to make me hot and sweaty too.

In all the good ways.

Hell, I’d even be happy with a sexy classmate. I’m just looking for a little titillation here.

Just a skosh.

The one where she buys SUPER SLUTTY SHOES

I took my second Lap Dance class this Thursday with my imaginary boyfriend.

Once again, it was me in a room with several scantily clad ladies.  The instructor wore a g-string.  Sometimes I just sit in class and let myself be amazed by the beauty of the women around me.

We practiced our routine.  By now we had the beginning part down.

  • Lay your “boyfriend” on the bed.  Prop up his head so he can watch you.
  • Start out by doing a little routine against the wall.  Don’t forget to open your legs. 😉
  • Go to the bed and play with your “boyfriend.”
  • Don’t forget to SMEAR your body against his.  SMEAR. SMEAR. SMEAR. I love that word.
  • Rotate your body to give him a side view.
  • More smearing. Do it slowly.
  • Rotate your body to give him the back view.  Nice.

And that’s where we stopped.  And somewhere in this whole routine, I realized that my shoes were not nearly as sexy as everyone else’s.  I realized that in order to be an effective lap dancer (or at least to look the part), I needed to get a new pair of shoes.  So I went online and bought these puppies.

And I can’t really describe how happy these ridiculous shoes make me feel.  But I do know that there’s something about their absolute frivolity that appeals to me and resonates with my inner diva.