Sex toy purge

I have a ton of sex toys.

Most of it is pretty tame stuff.

Stuff I’m okay admitting to on my blog – vibrators, dildos, magic wands, condoms, lubrication, blindfolds, etc.

However, there are a few things in my collection – such as a harness and nipple clamps – that should anything happen to me, my sister is UNDER STRICT INSTUCTIONS TO GET TO MY ROOM AND REMOVE THEM.

They’re all in a black bag on the top shelf on my center bookcase.

Basically, my mom and dad don’t know what a pervert I am and I want to keep it that way, especially when I get to the greater beyond.

My sister is mentally strong and capable of looking at these things, realize that I did in fact use them on other people (or myself) and THROW THAT SHIT AWAY.

I suspect, given my sister’s constitution, that she would actually just toss the entire bag into the garbage, sight unseen.

Because she’s SMART LIKE THAT.

Who needs to look at an enema bulb anyway?

Or a lube shooter?

Or, God forbid, a riding crop?

Oh wow, did I just say that out loud?

From the mouths of babes

I hoard certain things.

Makeup.

Shoes.

Evening gowns.

Costumes.

Lingerie.

I think it’s very odd that I hoard these things because the truth is (other than the costumes), I BARELY use any of it.

I just feel compelled to buy it.

Take lingerie for instance.

I have five drawers FULL of lingerie.

I used to have seven but I downsized.

The other day I bought aqua, lavender, and pink camisoles for an outfit for Burning Man.

You’d think the shopping was finished after I bought those, but you’d be wrong.

I had to buy matching lingerie.

Why?

Will anyone ever see my lingerie?

I certainly hope so, but it’s not very likely.

The last opportunity I had to show off lingerie was with the Swede and instead of trying to (drunkenly) get into a teddy held together by delicate little straps and lace, I opted to sleep IN THE NUDE.

My son came into my room as I was buying a push up, pink racerback bra.

He glanced at my computer screen, saw the description of the bra, looked me square in the eye and said. . .

“Do you REALLY need a push up bra, mom? Isn’t that being a bit redundant?”

From the mouths of babes.

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Panty Raid

I have a huge lingerie collection – upwards of 7 drawers full of bras, garter belts, panties, bustiers, corsets, stockings, bodysuits, and chemises.  And that’s not including the costumes…

It’s impressive, even by Victoria’s Secret standards.

Periodically, I run out of space in my bureaus and I have to pare down some of my collection.

The black panty with the red lace heart window and garters always stays.

costume2

As a woman, I have tiers of lingerie – levels of cotton, lace, and satin which increase in sexiness as you go up.  It’s a so-called pyramid of lingerie.

At the bottom of the pyramid is the period underwear.  These pairs are so bad that no one is allowed to see us in them.  They can sometimes be stained, occasionally stretched out, and definitely not anything you want to be caught dead in.  You wear these when you’re feeling gross and bloated.

The next level is the comfortable lingerie – these are your plain cotton panties, your Fruit-of-the-Looms, your gym underwear.  They’re your business underwear – all work, no play.  When you want to be comfortable you wear these.  Not necessarily meant to be seen in, but it’s not the end of the world if you are.  You’re not dressing to impress.

Up one tier we encounter the Fredericks of Hollywood and Victoria’s Secret lingerie.  This is your standard sexy lingerie which looks good on you but still eventually fades and semi falls apart because it was made in China.  Still, you remember when it was sexy so you keep wearing it.

Finally, you have your top tier lingerie – La Perla, Elle Mac Pherson, Agent Provocateur, Eberjey. and Faire Frou Frou.  These are your drop-the-jaw, shut-the-door, mama-and-daddy-are-getting-it-on lingerie.  They are the pieces that when we put then on we feel instantly sexy (and they hold up over the years because they were mad in Italy and France).

They are the pieces that when we put them on we feel instantly sexy.  Like a Pussycat Doll on a mission.  Not all of these pieces have to be expensive.  I have a hot pink slip from Target which makes me feel like Marilyn Monroe.

If you catch my in my top tier undies, chances are you’re getting lucky.

Just writing this makes want to go inventory my lingerie drawers and post pics of me and my favorites.

But since I’m away from home, I’ll have to be satisfied posting my boudoir photos again.

Yum yum.

P.S.  I have a small but impressive collection of vinyl that makes me understand the meaning of the word fetish on a cellular level…

 

 

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