Bareback Generation

I’ve noticed that there are men who are loathe to wear a condom, even when they’re simply hooking up with a partner for the night.

It’s a little bit shocking, to say the least.

What ever happened to safe sex and the older generation?

Quite honestly, I worry more about unintended pregnancy than I do about STDs which is probably bad, but I am still smart enough to at least suggest a condom.

Remember that one time I was stealthed?

Yeah, the guy took the condom from me then DIDN’T PUT IT ON and instead PULLED OUT AT THE EXACT WORST MOMENT SO THAT HE COULD COME ALL OVER MY BACK, thereby notifying me that I’d been duped into having sex without a condom?

Yeah, that’s a little bit what I’m talking about.

Of course, that behavior borderlines on criminal, I think.

So let’s set it aside for a minute.

What about the casual guy who just simply doesn’t like condoms?

The guy who isn’t worried about pregnancy (because maybe he is shooting blanks)?

I think it’s a generational thing.

Younger men don’t question condoms. They use them by the cartloads. They know – NO BABIES AND NO STDs.

Now, part of me think perhaps it’s not just that bareback sex FEELS better.

No.

Perhaps it’s because of “challenges in the plumbing department.”

What diminishes the sensation also can diminish. . . well, the “device.”

And Lord knows no one wants that to happen.

Then the fun is OVER.

For me, barebacking is for the guy who is a boyfriend. It’s for the guy I’m willing to go on birth control for.

It’s not for the casual hookup.

And it’s certainly not for the guy with criminal tendencies who is willing to TRICK me into doing it.

Call me crazy, but if I get a little skin on skin action, it’s gonna be with someone who I think has some sort of role in my life, when there’s birth control in place, and appropriate STD testing.

That’s just how I roll.

I went to Burning Man and all I got was this FUCKING BABY!*

DO NOT GO TO BURNING MAN WHEN YOU ARE OVULATING AND EXPECT TO SEE ART.

No.

Instead of seeing art, you will spend an inordinate amount of time on your back trying uselessly to impregnate yourself.

I say “USELESSLY” because we all know how important it is to use condoms when one is engaging in CASUAL SEX without any other form of birth control.

I am not on birth control for one reason: it takes the THREAT OF AN 18 YEAR COMMITMENT to make me INSIST on using condoms.

I RARELY fudge it.

But fudge it I do sometimes.

Which is why I can say with a little shock and dismay. . .

. . .I’m late.

Way late.

The WHOLE reason I am writing this post is because I AM SURE THAT IF I POST IT, I WILL NOT BE PREGNANT.

It’s the whole Murphy’s Law thing and me, again.

If I write it, it won’t come to fruition.

If I don’t write it, it will.

THE LAST FUCKING THING I WANT IN THIS UNIVERSE is to be a 43 year old pregnant woman.

Or, God forbid, to have gotten pregnant at Burning Man.

I went to Burning Man and all I got was this FUCKING BABY!*

‘Nuff said.

 

*I’m DEFINITELY NOT PREGNANT.  Still no period, though. Perimenopause SUCKS the BIG ONE!

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Birth Control

I am not a big fan of birth control.

Ever since I got a depo shot and proceeded to cry for the next three months, I’m loathe to alter my hormones.

It was such a horrific experience, it traumatized not only me but my ex-husband who agreed to use condoms for birth control for the rest of our marriage (10 years).

Perhaps this is why he got me pregnant five times. . .

I may not be a fan of birth control, but I’m even less of a fan of unwanted pregnancies, so needless to say I usually have some form of birth control on me.

The nice thing about going through a real hormonal cycle is getting to enjoy your hormones when you ovulate.

It’s seriously the one reason why my ex-husband didn’t complain about using condoms.

For one week out of the month, I was literally GAGGING for it.

He worked the swing shift and I would call him up and beg him to come home and “take care of business.”

I couldn’t get enough.

Now that I’m single, it’s s double-edged sword.

On the one hand, I get to enjoy the ride.

On the other hand, there’s no one coming home to me to “take care of business.”

I also have to be careful because I date men of a certain age who don’t like to wear condoms.

I politely explain that I’m not on birth control and how do they feel about an 18-year financial commitment?

It forces them to slip one on.

The irony is that I HATE condoms.

But since I hate condoms less than I hate unwanted pregnancy, I a compelled to use them.

And voila!

No babies. No STIs.

Two birds. One stone.

Me and Murphy’s Law

What do you think about The Swede coming to Burning Man?

O. M. G.

Right?

I’m beside myself with excitement and trepidation!

First of all, I get excited at the prospect of any of my friends going to Burning Man with me. I love the burn and I love sharing the experience with others.

Secondly, I’ve never had a partner go with me to Burning Man and hang out with me. So this would be something new.

And lastly. . . hello. . . SEX!

Who doesn’t want a tidal wave of that on the playa?

I know I do and last year there was a D R O U G H T.

But. . .

You know I’m a planner and ALL MY PLANS WOULD BASICALLY BE TOSSED OUT THE WINDOW.

I’d have to start all over from scratch (including bringing MORE condoms).

LOL

The food and beverages.

The sleeping arrangements.

The interactivity.

You know how I like to STICK TO THE PLAN.

In addition to changing plans, there’s another concern.

Burning Man is like a hot cauldron for relationships.

If you’re not strong, you won’t survive.

And The Swede and I have just a wee baby relationship.

Dare I put it to the test THIS EARLY ON?

Ultimately, I think The Swede will not go to Burning Man because I want him to go and Murphy’s Law dictates that I won’t get what I want.

But I LOVE knowing that he does actually want to go.

And who knows, maybe Murphy’s Law will fail.

Finger crossed!

End of an era

djI wasn’t ready to hear it.

I know my son is almost 18 and that this was EVENTUALLY going to happen, but it still took me by surprise.

“Go get me a box of condoms.”

What!?

Holy cow!

Really?!

It looks like my 17 year old is going to GET INTIMATE with a woman and my job as his mom is to give him the precious little advice I can sneak in while he’s letting me talk about IT.

“Make sure you get a yes,” I say.

And “be sure there’s no alcohol involved.”

Oh wow.

“I know,” he replies.

“We never speak of this again,” he tells me.

Okay.

I actually feel happy that he’s trusted me enough to ask in the first place, but still. . .

. . . end of an era.

12 Condoms for Burning Man

michelleI’m bringing 12 condoms to Burning Man.

Does that number seem low?

I am going to be on playa for 11 days, after all.  That’s 1 condom per day.

But take into consideration that my lover won’t be attending Burning Man this year.

He’s my sure thing.

I’m not sure that I’ll be doing much mattress dancing this year.

Which is fine because I made up for it last year with several lovers and quite a bit of horizontal mambo.

And toys.

Plus I am sure that if I need to find *more* condoms on playa, that can be accomplished very easily.

The playa provides, after all.

So maybe I’ll get the plowing of my life.

Or maybe I’ll just re-virginize and stay celibate.

The point is, I have options.

cndms

Pull-out

MichelleSince when did the pull-out method become a popular form of birth control for 40+ year old men?

Lately, I’ve run into a smattering of them – The Israeli, The Hunk, Nathan. . .

I politely suggest condoms and they counter with their own pull-out method of birth control.

Am I the only one who feels like this is playing with fire, using a loaded gun in a game of roulette?

I know some people hate condoms. I’m not a big fan myself.

But you know what I’m less of a fan of?

Having an unanticipated baby or needing to get an abortion.

Yes, THAT’S what I’m trying to avoid when I hand over a condom and suggest my partner slip it on.

I know.

I’m 42 years old.

The chances of me getting pregnant are slim to unimaginable.

But seeing as how I’ve ALREADY been pregnant 6 times, I think it’s safe to say that if there’s a possibility it could happen then THERE’S A POSSIBILITY IT COULD HAPPEN.

I come from fertile stock (hi Mom!).

Oh sure, I could go on the pill or use the ring.

But I like my hormones.

And if you date me, then you discover how much YOU like my hormones too.

They make for a wild and crazy ride through Hornytown.

Plus, I was on birth control from my teen years through my late 30s. I think it’s time someone else took the initiative and managed the birth control.

Don’t be silly.

Wrap that willy!

The one where she rants about condoms

hairPulling out is not an approved form of birth control.

Just so you know.

I’ve run into several men lately who think it is and that condoms are unnecessary.

To them I have this to say:

If I hand you a condom, PUT IT ON!

It is not OPTIONAL.

It is MANDATORY!

Sometimes I don’t see everything that’s going on IN THAT AREA.

Particularly, if I’m facing in another direction.

That doesn’t mean you can SNEAK IT IN WITHOUT A CONDOM!

Not at all.

It’s disrespectful and frightening to have my wishes ignored in the bedroom and I will certainly not revisit our romp again if you fail to obey my directions.

I’m not going to be “accidentally” pregnant at 42 years old, just so you know.

So there you have it.

Rant over.

Crushing on The Maestro

Friday, The Maestro met me at my work and we shared a cup of coffee.

He told me how to get tickets to Burning Man (my next big adventure) while I stared at his handsome face.

It’s no secret I have a crush on The Maestro. He is absolutely electric to me.  If he was a magnet, I’d be a paperclip… helpless to resist his pull and TOTALLY STUCK ON HIM.

From the moment I met  him, I’ve been drawn to him.  Although this is a cheesy way of explaining it, I can simply say I like his energy.

Have you ever met someone and felt an instant affection for them?  Been filled with a warm feeling inside?

That’s what it’s like with The Maestro.

My friend Marty is thrilled that I like an older man.  But then he loves to see experience triumph over youth.

And it’s true, The Maestro is not my usual “type”.  I like lumberjacks.  The Maestro is an engineer.

But that man sets me on fire.  I’m constantly holding myself back when what I really want to do is go through a suitcase of condoms with The Maestro.  Again. And again.

And HOLY HELL – what that man can do with his finger…

Well, it makes me flush.

The pickle pouch

5681db484a9d8b0c63101aa9877d1722I have a love-hate relationship with condoms.

On the one hand I love what they do – prevent unintended pregnancy and the transmission of nasty old STDs.

On the other hand I hate for they feel – like I’m trying to pick up a dime with rubber gloves on.  There’s not much sensation.

But recently, I read MyLifeOnMatchAndMore’s enthusiastic blog post on “For the Love of Lube” and I couldn’t help but follow her link to Lucky Bloke, who sells variety packs of condoms and lube.

(Incidentally lube (Gun Oil) is something I have ALWAYS loved)

It started me thinking.  Maybe the next generation of condoms are superior to the ones I’m used to.  Maybe, just maybe I can learn to love condoms again.

Lucky Bloke has several awesome variety packs available:

  1. Non latex – For the sensitive among us.
  2. Smaller fit – For those challenged in the cock department (just remember size doesn’t matter?).
  3. Standard – For the average man.
  4. Mixed sizes – When you don’t know what size you are.
  5. Japanese Ultra thin – The very best in ultra thin.
  6. Flavored – Really?  Why?  Nevermind.
  7. Ultra thin – Ultra thin.  ‘Nuff said.
  8. Pleasure shaped – Condoms aren’t just ribbed anymore.
  9. Textured – like wearing an argyle sweater on your cock.

Maybe I can learn to love condoms a little more and hate them a little less.

And just for laughs and giggles, here’s the irrepressible Will Farrell, Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd in a pickle pouch skit from Anchorman 2.  Had me in tears, I tell you!